# With the wedding 2 weeks away, I'm getting cold feet. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 9, 2010, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523 "2010-04-09T14:12:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![mnemosyne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c4cdca/32.png) [@mnemosyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mnemosyne)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/41 "2010-04-09T21:37:23Z")
I didn’t change mine, but since we are from Québec and got married here, I didn’t really have a say in the matter anyways. Permanent codes are _permanent_! 🙂 I could use his name socially, but simply don’t. Besides, any calls for "Mrs. D-’ are clearly telemarketers! It’s a fantastic filter! Keep in mind that if you ever plan to move back to Québec, you will have to take up your official documentation (driver’s license, credit cards, carte soleil, etc) back under your maiden name anyways since you were born here (I think? if you were born in another province, I think you can keep whatever name you want). ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/42 "2010-04-09T21:51:15Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > His answer? “It’s your choice, but to tell the truth I can’t imagine falling in love with a woman who wouldn’t want to keep her own name.” Nearly three decades later, I still love him for saying that. Beautiful. You’re a very lucky woman, as he is also very lucky to have you :). ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/43 "2010-04-09T22:15:02Z")
> [@kathmandu](#): > > T your gratuitous insult to the other people in this thread. I did not refer to anyone’s motivations as “dumb,” nor would I. Nor did I insult or even politely criticize the choices of others - I merely recounted my own experience. If you see an insult to another poster in my words, feel free to press the report button. > [@kathmandu](#): > > You seem to have some sense of superiority over not changing your name. It’s misplaced, in my opinion. It certainly would be misplaced, if I did feel superior. I don’t, however - merely a bit unusual, which is neither good nor bad. What words did I use that made you conclude I feel superior - if I said “I love photography, and my husband says he couldn’t imagine marrying a woman who didn’t,” would you assume I was implying that all individuals who aren’t photography lovers are inferior? > [@kathmandu](#): > > You and your husband seem to think that there’s some “type” of woman who changes her name I’ll plead a little guity to that one. While I don’t think there are “types” of women who have, say, brown eyes, I _do_ think that people’s opinions and choices, voluntarily held and made, frequently say something about them. Now, I probably wouldn’t read much into someone’s “choice” of a shirt, or “opinion” about spaghetti. But, as your heated response clearly demonstrates, keeping or not keeping one’s name is a significant decision that has symbolic value to many people. My husband and I have certain attitudes on this topic. They don’t automatically make us better or worse people than those who hold different attitudes. But there is no harm in choosing a mate whose attitudes match. Given that my husband and I are still crazy about each other after 28 years of marriage, I’d say that choosing a mate with attitudes like your own is probably a good thing. > [@kathmandu](#): > > t’s been demonstrated that there are a number of reasons why a woman would do it There are, and I never said otherwise. Of course women have many motivations for changing their name. None of them were relevant in the case of me and my husband. My choice was strictly based on my own reading of the symbolism involved. Ergo, my husband’s evaluation of “what are CairoCarol’s values” could legitimately use my choice as a data point. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/44 "2010-04-09T22:19:44Z")
ETA: I take back part of my first comment. I did indeed suggest that Wilbo523 made a “unilateral” decision in his marriage and it was obvious that I disapproved of that kind of behavior. So if _that_ counts as an insult, then I am guilty of insulting that particular poster. ---
**Author:** ![Sehmket](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a183cd/32.png) [@Sehmket](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sehmket)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/45 "2010-04-09T22:30:12Z")
> [@Jimson\_Jim](#): > > My wife took my last name but changed her middle name to be her maiden name. No hyphens and she still got to keep her name. So it shows up on all the important documents like property deeds and our daughter’s birth certificate. But her name hasn’t be come so long it needs two lines on a business card. This is exacly what I did. If my maiden name was Jane Mary Smith, my new name would be Jane Mary Smith Jones (with Mary Smith being listed as the middle name on the SS documents). It’s much easier logistically with bill payments and stuff like that, but lets you feel connected to your family. Edit to add… you aren’t the only one who’s gone through this. I wrestled with the decision for, literally, years before we got married (we dated eight years before our wedding), and didn’t make my final decision until about six months after. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/46 "2010-04-09T22:45:20Z")
> [@Wilbo523](#): > > \I advised her that our daughter **would** bear my last name, as the American culture dictates. I was not agreeing to any hyphenations, because it just looks stupid. \ This sounds a little high-handed. > [@CairoCarol](#): > > \His answer? “It’s your choice, but to tell the truth I can’t imagine falling in love with a woman who wouldn’t want to keep her own name.” \ This sounds a little judgey. My opinions, for what it’s worth. ---
**Author:** ![kathmandu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kathmandu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kathmandu)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/47 "2010-04-09T22:48:24Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > What words did I use that made you conclude I feel superior - if I said “I love photography, and my husband says he couldn’t imagine marrying a woman who didn’t,” would you assume I was implying that all individuals who aren’t photography lovers are inferior? That’s a fatuous comparison. By stating you wouldn’t marry a woman who would consider changing her name, you must be deducing that there is some sort of negative character trait associated with that action. Not liking photography isn’t analogous. > [@](#): > > But, as your heated response clearly demonstrates, keeping or not keeping one’s name is a significant decision that has symbolic value to many people. I don’t think my response was particularly heated. The decision itself doesn’t really have any symbolic value to me. That’s the whole point. For many people it’s a decision made for practical reasons, not as some sort of statement. You seem to be ascribing a whole bunch of significance and some sort of value judgment to a choice that doesn’t necessarily say anything about a person. > [@](#): > > My husband and I have certain attitudes on this topic. They don’t automatically make us better or worse people than those who hold different attitudes. But there is no harm in choosing a mate whose attitudes match. Given that my husband and I are still crazy about each other after 28 years of marriage, I’d say that choosing a mate with attitudes like your own is probably a good thing. I’m just saying that I think your attitude doesn’t make sense. If you and your husband share it, I guess that’s great, but that doesn’t mean I think it’s reasonable. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/48 "2010-04-09T22:56:01Z")
> [@kathmandu](#): > > I’m just saying that I think your attitude doesn’t make sense. If you and your husband share it, I guess that’s great, but that doesn’t mean I think it’s reasonable. She was initially responding to **Wilbo523** ’s post about basically ordering his wife to do as he said in regard to their child, with no other options. Perhaps that works within the bounds of their marriage, but **CairoCarol** is not the only one in this thread to express a raised eyebrow over his statement. ---
**Author:** ![kathmandu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kathmandu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kathmandu)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/49 "2010-04-09T23:10:26Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > She was initially responding to **Wilbo523** ’s post about basically ordering his wife to do as he said in regard to their child, with no other options. Perhaps that works within the bounds of their marriage, but **CairoCarol** is not the only one in this thread to express a raised eyebrow over his statement. I agree that **Wilbo523** was over the top and high-handed (as **Cat Whisperer** put it). I don’t think that **CairoCarol’s** observations about the kind of woman who takes her husband’s name were at all responsive to that comment, though. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/50 "2010-04-09T23:42:58Z")
> [@kathmandu](#): > > That’s a fatuous comparison. By stating you wouldn’t marry a woman who would consider changing her name, you must be deducing that there is some sort of negative character trait associated with that action. **You** are doing the deducing, not me. I cannot imagine falling in love with the vast majority of people I meet - their attitudes, preferences, values, opinions, judgments, tastes, interests, etc. are sufficiently unlike mine that we’d probably argue too much, get bored with each other, never want to do anything together, and simply not have a shared sense of “us.” However, in no way do I deduce that there is “some sort of negative character trait” associated with all those people, just because I wouldn’t be likely to fall in love with them. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/51 "2010-04-09T23:47:00Z")
ETA - please note also that I quoted my husband accurately in the first post - he said he “couldn’t imagine falling in love with”, not “I would never marry.” I agree that the second formulation does strike an off note, as it sounds like a blanket rule in force because the other person might be a bit tainted. The first formulation - what he said, and what I mean - does not, to me at least, include that implication. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/52 "2010-04-09T23:47:03Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > I did not change my name when I married, and it would have been a poor fit for me to marry someone who insisted that I do otherwise. But before we married I did have the decency to talk to my husband about his opinions on the matter. His answer? “It’s your choice, but to tell the truth I can’t imagine falling in love with a woman who wouldn’t want to keep her own name.” Nearly three decades later, I still love him for saying that. Maybe he should have shut up after “It’s your choice”? How would you have felt if he had mad the second part of the sentence “I can’t imaging falling in love with a woman who wouldn’t change her name?” The fact is, none of us choose our last names, and wanting to change them is not necessarily a sin. Nor is it a virtue. I for one couldn’t imagine it making a difference. I’d have loved my wife just as much if she didn’t want to change her name. And we’ve been married 32 happy years, so there. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/53 "2010-04-09T23:57:53Z")
> [@Voyager](#): > > How would you have felt if he had mad the second part of the sentence “I can’t imaging falling in love with a woman who wouldn’t change her name?” How would I have felt? I’d have felt like this: “Gosh, I don’t think I should marry this guy.” So, we wouldn’t have gotten married, and presumably would have both gone on to find better-suited partners.(\*) How would that be a bad thing, and what is your point? (\*) That pretty much happened to me in my previous relationship, incidentally. The man in question told me he’d be “insulted” if I didn’t take his name, and also that he would not “let” me have cats. Shortly thereafter we parted ways. (The name thing I might have been able to deal with, but the cats? NEVER! :p) ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2010, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/54 "2010-04-10T00:11:44Z")
This is a silly argument. CC is married to a man who wanted the same thing she wanted. That’s a good thing, not a bad thing. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2010, 12:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/55 "2010-04-10T12:03:50Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > How would I have felt? I’d have felt like this: “Gosh, I don’t think I should marry this guy.” So, we wouldn’t have gotten married, and presumably would have both gone on to find better-suited partners.(\*) How would that be a bad thing, and what is your point? > > (\*) That pretty much happened to me in my previous relationship, incidentally. The man in question told me he’d be “insulted” if I didn’t take his name, and also that he would not “let” me have cats. Shortly thereafter we parted ways. (The name thing I might have been able to deal with, but the cats? NEVER! :p) If I understand correctly, his point is that, in his opinion, the statement is itself insulting. It’s saying “If you had this one little thing different about you, I could not imagine myself being in love with you.” The underlying sentiment is “You have to do this, or I will not love you.” It’s like the opposite of the comment you got upset about. Apparently, you do not interpret it this way, and, hopefully, neither did he. For me, it would just depend on whether I liked the person or not, as trying to figure out subtext is a losing game. Especially when you assume it’s negative. OP: Not married. My mom took my dad’s name, and my sister expects to take her boyfriend’s name, and I haven’t made up my mind. If my wife wants me to change it, I’ll consider it then. Currently, I don’t think I’ll be procreating, so I can’t imagine it being that big a deal. ---
**Author:** ![Antigen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/848f3c/32.png) [@Antigen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antigen)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2010, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/56 "2010-04-10T13:05:40Z")
> [@Mom-of-Andrew](#): > > I just tacked my MarriedName onto the end, no hyphens: FirstName MiddleName MaidenName MarriedName. My personal joke is: I have four names – I confuse computers the world over. I was wondering about that. My plan is to have 4 names, but I wasn’t sure what was allowed. > [@mnemosyne](#): > > Keep in mind that if you ever plan to move back to Québec, you will have to take up your official documentation (driver’s license, credit cards, carte soleil, etc) back under your maiden name anyways since you were born here (I think? if you were born in another province, I think you can keep whatever name you want). That’s my other major concern. What do I do about all the Quebec stuff? Obviously I can’t change my name there… but if I’m changing all my IDs here, I’ll need to change my Canadian passport to match… do I change all other Canadian (federal, anyway) official things back home too? What happens when it’s time (wayyy in the future) for me to get my Quebec pension? If I keep the maiden name as part of my new name will I even need to change my passport and Canadian stuff? I think the confusion is what’s holding me back from doing it. I fear the unknown. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2010, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/57 "2010-04-10T13:07:24Z")
I know someone who is also struggling with this issue. She would like to take her husband’s name, very much. However, her name appears in several published works and she is a recognized name in her profession. That makes it a little hairier, in some ways. I think **Heart of Dorkness** nailed it. If it’s not upsetting to your husband, wait. There is no need to decide this moment. Wait until you’re clear. I think that is what my friend has decided. It’s either that or simply use two names, one professionally and the other socially. ---
**Author:** ![mnemosyne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c4cdca/32.png) [@mnemosyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mnemosyne)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2010, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/58 "2010-04-10T15:00:05Z")
> [@Antigen](#): > > That’s my other major concern. What do I do about all the Quebec stuff? Obviously I can’t change my name there… but if I’m changing all my IDs here, I’ll need to change my Canadian passport to match… do I change all other Canadian (federal, anyway) official things back home too? What happens when it’s time (wayyy in the future) for me to get my Quebec pension? If I keep the maiden name as part of my new name will I even need to change my passport and Canadian stuff? I have no idea how any of that works. Since I was living in Ontario (and a resident at the time) I seem to recall being told that there was no problem with my changing my name in that province after the wedding, and that would apply to federal things like passports as well. People do it all the time in the ROC, so it’s not a problem. I think, in Québec, your documentation there would continue under your maiden name, even though you’d be allowed to keep using your new name, so any dealings with the province would simply be done under that name. You’d keep copies of the forms showing your name change, and that would probably be sufficient. Since you are seriously considering taking your husband’s name, if I were you I’d call the office of the [Directeur de l’état civil](http://www.etatcivil.gouv.qc.ca/en/default.html) and clarify how things work. In my case, I never considered it seriously enough to bother finding out (although his name is awesome, I like mine too!) ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/59 "2010-04-11T13:38:31Z")
> [@Antigen](#): > > I was wondering about that. My plan is to have 4 names, but I wasn’t sure what was allowed. My son has two middle names. I had four names as part of my first marriage, having moved maiden to second middle. The issue is that you do confuse computers all over the world. People aren’t sure if you are James Edward Austen-Leigh or James Edward-Austen Leigh (he was the first, with they hyphen, btw. We are not the first to have this issue). So with no hyphen, you get “misfiled” a lot. So be prepared for some amount of saying “well, maybe you have me filed this way.” ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/60 "2010-04-11T22:08:47Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > How would I have felt? I’d have felt like this: “Gosh, I don’t think I should marry this guy.” So, we wouldn’t have gotten married, and presumably would have both gone on to find better-suited partners.(\*) How would that be a bad thing, and what is your point? > > (\*) That pretty much happened to me in my previous relationship, incidentally. The man in question told me he’d be “insulted” if I didn’t take his name, and also that he would not “let” me have cats. Shortly thereafter we parted ways. (The name thing I might have been able to deal with, but the cats? NEVER! :p) So it is important for him to have an opinion, your opinion, on this? Isn’t the option of “your name, your decision, I’ll support it” better than either? I’m getting that the offense would be being controlling in a way you didn’t like, not just being controlling. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523.md?page=4)