# With the wedding 2 weeks away, I'm getting cold feet. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 9, 2010, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523 "2010-04-09T14:12:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2010, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/81 "2010-04-12T22:26:22Z")
Fictiously speaking, I was born Lisa Sue Miller. I married a guy named Tom Jones. I chose Lisa Miller Jones as my married name. No hyphenation. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2010, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/82 "2010-04-12T23:43:47Z")
> [@kathmandu](#): > > That may have been the case 30 years ago (I was 8 at the time, **so I don’t really know** :)) (Bolding added.) But you do know enough to dismiss my husband’s attitude of 30 years ago as “dumb.” What exasperates me about this thread is that I would never use words like “dumb” and “fatuous” to describe points of view with which I differ, and yet I’m the one (along with my husband) who is accused of being insulting. I hope I’ve made it clear through subsequent posts that no offense was intended, and where one was obviously taken, I took responsibility for my words and did my best to clarify what I meant. ---
**Author:** ![Visual\_Purple](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/5daacb/32.png) [@Visual\_Purple](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Visual_Purple)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2010, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/83 "2010-04-13T02:01:36Z")
Had my then fiance had a profoundly different attitude than I about name changing, it probably would have been a deal-breaker, as it would have suggested a then yet-unnoticed difference in style that might have been quite significant. If a couple really disagree on the point, they are probably disagreeing on how one identifies with family and how one approaches tradition. It may or may not tell you something about how each views gender roles. As it happened, both of us find name changes a little disconcerting. Knowing that he did not particularly want me to change my name, I nevertheless offered to take his name if he thought his family would be happier. (There were some ethnic/religious identity issues that made me feel more that I maybe ought to make the change than if I would have had his name had been more like mine. I didn’t want anyone thinking I was avoiding a change in ethnic identification.) He thought they wouldn’t care, so I kept my original name. We’ve had no problems or inconvenience so far–no regrets either. ---
**Author:** ![Snickers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@Snickers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snickers)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2010, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/84 "2010-04-13T15:29:55Z")
My mom changed her name, then changed it back - she’s just more comfortable with her maiden name. (They’re still married, going on 41 years now.) Because of her, neither my sister-in-law nor my sister changed their names when they married - they just preferred keeping their maiden names. Like them, I didn’t change mine either, though my husband and his family would’ve rather I had. Eh - it’s just a name, but it’s _my_ name, and I like it. And it doesn’t change how married I feel at all. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2010, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/85 "2010-04-13T16:20:13Z")
> [@Visual\_Purple](#): > > If a couple really disagree on the point, they are probably disagreeing on how one identifies with family and how one approaches tradition. It may or may not tell you something about how each views gender roles. Precisely. It can even reveal ideas about gender roles you don’t even know you hold. I had a pretty serious “WTF century did _you_ grow up in?” moment with my husband over this subject back in college, when the first of our friends got married. We were talking about the various plans over dinner one night, when he mentioned that one couple was having some minor conflict over the whole name thing–she wasn’t sure what she wanted to do but was leaning toward keeping her name, and he really wanted her to change her name because it was important to him that they have the same last name. I asked why, if it was so very important to the guy, didn’t he just change _his_ name and then everybody would be happy. If you couldn’t hear what I’d said and could only see **DoctorJ** ’s reaction, you’d think I’d suggested we shove a live trout up the guy’s ass. Evidently, such a solution would _never_ fly, because we’re talking about his _name_ fercrissakes. His identity, his lineage, his connection to his family–it would be horribly unfair to expect him to give that up. When I pointed out that was exactly what was being asked of her, he told me, apparently in all seriousness, that _that_ was completely different. Because she was a girl. My jaw landed somewhere around my navel. This wasn’t back in the dark ages; it was 1998, after 30 years of the women’s movement. And we’re not talking about some neocon throwback to the 50’s, but a guy who had self-described as a feminist, who had cooked the dinner we were eating while I slobbered over the power tools in the Sears flier. You simply don’t expect to hear something so unabashedly sexist come out of such a person’s mouth. But there it was. Apparently he had somehow managed to get the idea that women don’t have any feelings about their familial names because we’re raised with the expectation that it won’t be our name for very long anyway. He was disabused of said notion swiftly (and not very gently) and by the time we got married he was pointing out to people that my reasons for not wanting to change my name were exactly why he didn’t want to change his. But I still sometimes wonder if there are any other bits of unexamined male privilege lurking in there that I’ve just not run across yet. I hesitate to use the term male privilege, because it’s such a loaded term, but I honestly don’t know what else to call the notion that someone else should tie themselves into knots to give you what you want rather than you bestirring yourself at all, simply because you have a penis and the other person doesn’t. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2010, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/86 "2010-04-13T20:18:50Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > That is, quite honestly, a really stupid comparison. When was the last time you saw someone introduce themselves as Jennifer-who-wore-a-cream-wedding-dress? Or put their wedding dress color choice on an official form to open a bank account or pay taxes or adopt a shelter dog? Or give their dress color to the hostess at a restaurant when waiting for a table? Or explain that they just wouldn’t feel like a real family if they wore a cream wedding dress? I’m guessing you have never seen any of those things happen, ever. Your last name is a commentary on your identity that you carry with you and use every single day for the rest of your life, and dress color is a commentary on your complexion that you use one day and then nobody but you ever thinks about it again. Trying to equate the two is disingenuous. > > Frankly, I find the attempt to be rather patronizing and insulting. It implies that someone’s name–their identity, the outward expression of their sense of self, the label the whole rest of the world uses for them–is as trivial as the color of a dress they’ll wear once and that nobody else will ever remember. And don’t get me started on using such a comparison to bag on someone’s spouse and marriage…“poor form” is the tip of the iceberg. > > For Og’s sake, the man is every bit as entitled to his opinion as any of the rest of us. Yes, what he said was a little judgmental, but no more so than saying he couldn’t imagine falling in love with someone who voted Republican. Nobody would be hopping up and down about what a judgmental, controlling dick he is if he’d said _that_. No, it would be accepted because political differences are accepted as a valid compatibility issue because they indicate a different and often incompatible way of looking at the world. Name issues, which are ultimately perception of personal identity issues, are indicative of different and often incompatible ways of looking at the world, too. Especially in historical context–the further back you go, the more not changing your name becomes a Statement about your personal beliefs. I cast around for a good example, and clearly failed. You should have seen some of the ones I rejected! My only excuse is that my younger daughter used to watch the Bridezilla shows, and dress color seemed horribly important to some of those women! The dress example is from the perspective of the man. From the woman’s perspective, I understand the importance, which is why I’m of the “It is your choice” not the “It is your choice but…” opinion. BTW, I would consider a guy saying “I could never fall in love someone who didn’t know her own mind” as being far more acceptable than “demanding” a particular view. Being egotistical, I admit I was pleased when my wife decided to change her name, but I never expressed an opinion that she should, before or after her decision. I had assumed she wouldn’t change it, btw, because of the very historical facts you mention. I would have liked my daughter to have kept her name, but I was smart enough not to have said anything. Sometimes men should just STFU about things like this. Maybe I’m crazy, but in my opinion the way a man can be a feminist is not to push or encourage a woman into the proper feminist opinions and actions, but to treat all women as if they could actually make their own decisions, shocking as that thought is for many men. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2010, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/87 "2010-04-13T20:26:14Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > I hesitate to use the term male privilege, because it’s such a loaded term, but I honestly don’t know what else to call the notion that someone else should tie themselves into knots to give you what you want rather than you bestirring yourself at all, simply because you have a penis and the other person doesn’t. I think it is a good use of the term, and I agree. Men grow up with all sorts of social cues saying we have a right to this power - from being listed first on addresses to action movies where the man drags the woman through danger and rescues her when her high heels come off. But I think it is as much male privilege to pressure a woman to change her name for you when she doesn’t want to as it is to pressure her to not change her name when she does want to, in order for you to look appropriately feminist. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2010, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/88 "2010-04-13T23:19:42Z")
> [@kathmandu](#): > > But from the replies to this thread, it’s been demonstrated that there are a number of reasons why a woman would do it - a bad association with her maiden name, the fact that her husband’s name sounds nicer or is easier to spell, the desire to have the same surname as her children, etc. All are legitimate reasons. But surely there are men with bad memories of childhood and hard to spell last names? What of them? (Well, the ones not mentioned in this thread.) To say you don’t feel one way or another about a woman changing her last name – even her first and last name – is one thing, but it’s hardly happening in a vacuum. Someone upthread suggested the OP ask her husband about changing his name, and I think that’s a smart move. Discuss it with your husband-to-be to see what he thinks, and tell friends and family that that’s what you’re doing and see what they think. Perhaps not as an actual ‘test,’ but to see how much you’re being guided by personal choice and how much is caving to convention. On a side note, I find this thread somewhat funny when compared to [this one](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=559363), where addressing a woman as Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname is being compared to casual racism. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2010, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/89 "2010-04-14T16:43:22Z")
Interesting contrast of tradition vs feminism. My MIL is a die hard left leaning liberal. An ardent supporter of NOW and womens rights movements in the 70’s. However, all of the cards and correspondence that she sends her daughter to our house are addressed to Mrs. Wilbo523. Any checks she sends for birthday money, etc. (even for my wife’s birthday are made out to me, with a memo note for my wife’s birthday. She’s a stickler for the tradition of formality. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2010, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/90 "2010-04-15T05:46:21Z")
> [@Wilbo523](#): > > Interesting contrast of tradition vs feminism. My MIL is a die hard left leaning liberal. An ardent supporter of NOW and womens rights movements in the 70’s. > > However, all of the cards and correspondence that she sends her daughter to our house are addressed to Mrs. Wilbo523. Any checks she sends for birthday money, etc. (even for my wife’s birthday are made out to me, with a memo note for my wife’s birthday. > > She’s a stickler for the tradition of formality. Sorry, this is a little bit of a hijack, but I think we’ve covered the topic in the OP pretty well by now … so here’s a question: is it really a tradition to make all checks out to the man of the family, even if they are gifts for the wife? That’s one I never heard of before. ---
**Author:** ![Zahava424](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/76d3ee/32.png) [@Zahava424](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zahava424)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2010, 11:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/91 "2010-04-15T11:10:59Z")
To answer the OP’s question about personal accounts: I am getting married in a few months, and I’m feeling a little conflicted about the name change thing. My last name isn’t particularly interesting or Jewish-sounding, and it’s easy to spell and pronounce, and it connects me to a family that’s small, mainly because my father’s family lost a lot of people in World War II. Still, I’ve never loved it in particular. My fiance’s last name is long and cumbersome, if pretty, and each member of his family seems to pronounce it slightly differently. It’s sort of equivalent to having your last name be “Sunshyndaffodil”-- It’s not quite spelled as you expect, and when you hear it, you hear two recognizably different words and assume it’s hyphenated. It’s a little too distinctive for my taste, and I can’t imagine using it professionally. Plus, you can never just introduce yourself. You have to deal with people asking whether it’s hyphenated, what did it used to be before it was clearly changed upon immigration to North America (it wasn’t), and also, is that your name REALLY? My fiance says he likes his last name, but he avoids introducing himself by his full name when he can. Also, and I think this is the funniest part, his parents registered him for elementary school under a pseudonym. So if his real name were Tim Sunshyndaffodil, then his elementary school name would have been Tim Flowers. It was pretty much like that. One of his uncles has actually changed his name to Flowers. (Funnily enough, that has made my fiance more determined to keep the long last name, because he feels like he’s one of the last people carrying it on-- there are only two other members of his generation with the name, and he’s the only one of those three that is religious and likely to marry a co-religionist, so in a sense, he feels like he’s the only Sunshyndaffodil carrying on the family name in the family tradition.) I feel weird about changing my name regardless of all that, and once I think about taking on all those five syllables, it makes it harder. On the other hand, I come from a traditional religious community in which everyone assumes you’ve changed your name unless you make a really big deal out of not changing your name. And I really would like to have all my eventual children have the same name as both their parents, both for practical reasons and because I prefer it in concept. This is my compromise for the moment: I plan to keep my name after the wedding, but not correct people when they call me Mrs. Sunshyndaffodil, and not make a big deal out of it. I’m not yet professionally established, but I hope to be more so before I have kids, so I’ll begin working under my maiden name. If, when I’m getting ready to have kids or expecting my first child, I still feel like I want us all to have the same name, I’ll probably change it then and add my maiden name as a second middle name, and continue to use my maiden name professionally. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2010, 12:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/92 "2010-04-15T12:23:27Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > Sorry, this is a little bit of a hijack, but I think we’ve covered the topic in the OP pretty well by now … so here’s a question: is it really a tradition to make all checks out to the man of the family, even if they are gifts for the wife? That’s one I never heard of before. I’ve never heard of it. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2010, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/93 "2010-04-15T13:23:29Z")
On the subject of identity, traditions and feminism - being Jewish, I’m used to the _traditional_ notion that one of the most important aspects of identity - your ethnic heritage - is transmitted _matrilinially_. Whether or not you are “Jewish” depends on who your mother is, not your father. My mother is Jewish but my father is not; so I am Jewish, but have a very non-Jewish last name. ---
**Author:** ![Antigen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/848f3c/32.png) [@Antigen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antigen)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2010, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/94 "2010-04-15T13:48:19Z")
> [@Cat\_Fight](#): > > Someone upthread suggested the OP ask her husband about changing his name, and I think that’s a smart move. Discuss it with your husband-to-be to see what he thinks, and tell friends and family that that’s what you’re doing and see what they think. Perhaps not as an actual ‘test,’ but to see how much you’re being guided by personal choice and how much is caving to convention. I have discussed it with him at length. He insists that it is **my** name and that he really doesn’t have an opinion on whether I keep it how it is, or change it. He has assured me that either way he will be happy and he’ll keep me. 🙂 What’s making the situation more complicated is the mess of paperwork we’re working on to apply for a change of status to make me a permanent resident. All the stuff we’ve filled out is in my maiden name. I’m getting in touch with our legal guy to see what he recommends, because he’s seen this before. So, for name change, we have: Pros Easier for english-speakers to pronounce than my current name Feeling more connected to him and his family Simplifies things when kids arrive (based on stories from this thread) The name “fits” my first name better I cut off a name that connects me to family I’m not close with Cons Harder for french-speakers to pronounce than my current name Longer name by 5 letters and 2 syllables The hassle of actually changing it Possible hiccups in the change-of-status process Loss of connection to my French-Canadian background This is still hard. ---
**Author:** ![Translucent\_Daydream](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/translucent_daydream/32/16170_2.png) [@Translucent\_Daydream](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Translucent_Daydream)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2010, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/95 "2010-04-15T14:38:41Z")
> [@Jimson\_Jim](#): > > My wife took my last name but changed her middle name to be her maiden name. No hyphens and she still got to keep her name. So it shows up on all the important documents like property deeds and our daughter’s birth certificate. But her name hasn’t be come so long it needs two lines on a business card. My mom did this as well. She used to be **Joyce Laverne Daydream** but now she is **Joyce Moore Daydream**. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2010, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/96 "2010-04-15T16:00:15Z")
My sister hyphenated when she married and found it very cumbersome. My other sister kept her maiden name, which was just as well because she got divorced earlier this year. I told my wife I’d be honored to have her take my last name when we married, but that it really was her decision. She took my last name and has told me since she doesn’t regret it. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2010, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/97 "2010-04-15T18:03:33Z")
> [@Cat\_Fight](#): > > But surely there are men with bad memories of childhood and hard to spell last names? What of them? (Well, the ones not mentioned in this thread.) To say you don’t feel one way or another about a woman changing her last name – even her first and last name – is one thing, but it’s hardly happening in a vacuum. Like I said upthread, my daughter and son-in-law both changed their names to something they liked. The world didn’t end or anything. So this is a perfectly reasonable option, and so is changing to the woman’s name. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2010, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/98 "2010-04-15T18:09:07Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > On the subject of identity, traditions and feminism - being Jewish, I’m used to the _traditional_ notion that one of the most important aspects of identity - your ethnic heritage - is transmitted _matrilinially_. Whether or not you are “Jewish” depends on who your mother is, not your father. My mother is Jewish but my father is not; so I am Jewish, but have a very non-Jewish last name. My last name is both Jewish and non-Jewish. My mother’s maiden name is far more famous for non-Jewish historical figures than Jewish ones. I think people are going to have to get away from guessing identity based on names. I know a bunch of kids who were adopted from Korea and who got really lovely Irish names. Job interviewers guessing what they look like are going to be in for a shock. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2010, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/99 "2010-04-15T18:10:19Z")
> [@Translucent\_Daydream](#): > > My mom did this as well. She used to be **Joyce Laverne Daydream** but now she is **Joyce Moore Daydream**. My wife did this (not likely her original middle name at all.) I think it was (and maybe still is) pretty standard. ---
**Author:** ![taxi78cab](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e47c2d/32.png) [@taxi78cab](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/taxi78cab)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2010, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523/100 "2010-04-15T20:12:37Z")
I didn’t legally change my name, and I use my maiden name at work, but socially I use his last name most of the time. This was a compromise to satisfy my family who, despite being _really_ liberal on everything else, felt we wouldn’t be a real family if I didn’t take his name. Which bugs be a bit. So I’m in this weird place where it doesn’t bother me when his family or our friends or people from church call me Taxi Hislastname, but it bugs the crap out of me when my own family calls me that. Anyway, to the OP, do what feels right, and if right now that means waiting, just wait… you can always change it later. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/with-the-wedding-2-weeks-away-im-getting-cold-feet/535523.md?page=6)