# Withholding sex to punish your SO **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 10, 2010, 11:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/withholding-sex-to-punish-your-so/528412 "2010-02-10T11:42:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![kanicbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kanicbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kanicbird)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/withholding-sex-to-punish-your-so/528412/21 "2010-02-10T16:45:35Z")
I have had this done to me once, I’d put it on the level of withholding touch from a infant, it is a downward spiral that will destroy the relationship which it did. There was manipulation and control issues. Both of us survived that, but it was a very rough trip. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/withholding-sex-to-punish-your-so/528412/22 "2010-02-10T17:50:20Z")
FWIW, the practice of withholding sex to punish or manipulate [goes back a long way](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lysistrata). (And it’s arguably [unbiblical](http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=i%20corinthians%207:3-5&version=NIV).) ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/withholding-sex-to-punish-your-so/528412/23 "2010-02-10T17:53:34Z")
> [@Diamonds02](#): > > If a significant other would to withold sex to punish me, I’ll cheat on her. Or at least, go in the bathroom with some pictures of her friends and some lube, and then leave them behind for her to discover. Not sure if you’re joking or not, but if you’re not then some of your threads are starting to make a lot more sense to me. ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/withholding-sex-to-punish-your-so/528412/24 "2010-02-10T17:59:32Z")
I’ve never known anyone to do that. I know I haven’t, nor will I. That said, if I’m ticked off, chances are I’m really not in the mood. As **MandaJo** noted, I suppose that could be misconstrued as holding out. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/withholding-sex-to-punish-your-so/528412/25 "2010-02-10T18:30:58Z")
I have not done it, but I have been accused of doing it. I used to rent a room in a shared house. The doorknob was kind of wonky, you had to twist it halfway, then pull a bit, then twist the rest of the way, then push the door open. One of my boyfriends would leave my room in the middle of the night to go get a glass of water or some food, then wouldn’t remember how to open the door, would go to sleep on the couch and next morning be all grumpy and refuse to believe me when I said that not only had I not “locked him out”, I hadn’t even woken up! He always interpreted his own inability to operate the doorknob as me withdrawing sex - not even “locking him out,” but “locking him out so he wouldn’t come on to me”… as if he ever did do that between midnight and noon! No, he didn’t last long, why do you ask? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/withholding-sex-to-punish-your-so/528412/26 "2010-02-10T18:47:12Z")
The idea that withholding sex to get your way needs to get retired just like the idea that the woman is always right. Neither of these is doing relationships any favours. ---
**Author:** ![Spiff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spiff/32/9852_2.png) [@Spiff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiff)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/withholding-sex-to-punish-your-so/528412/27 "2010-02-10T19:03:33Z")
For many years, when I tried to initiate sex with my wife, she would present list to me, usually just a few items, that I needed to attend to before she would consent to intercourse. That sucked, and I finally told her so. We still have issues, but that was a big one that we eventually did resolve. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/withholding-sex-to-punish-your-so/528412/28 "2010-02-10T19:06:27Z")
I can’t imagine being in an adult relationship . . . yet acting so childish. Sex is not a commodity. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/withholding-sex-to-punish-your-so/528412/29 "2010-02-10T19:29:16Z")
And I have to add: The entire concept of “punishing” my partner is totally alien to me. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/withholding-sex-to-punish-your-so/528412/30 "2010-02-10T19:37:58Z")
> [@panache45](#): > > And I have to add: The entire concept of “punishing” my partner is totally alien to me. The most fucked-up thing I’ve ever seen one partner do to another is what a person I once knew did to her boyfriend - she was angry at his infidelity, so she embarked on a long-term campaign to punish him by fattening him up. She made his lunches, and liberally soaked the sandwich bread in butter, added bacon to everything, put in all sorts of fattening sweets and chips. ---
**Author:** ![badbadrubberpiggy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/57b2e6/32.png) [@badbadrubberpiggy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/badbadrubberpiggy)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/withholding-sex-to-punish-your-so/528412/31 "2010-02-10T19:46:14Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > The most fucked-up thing I’ve ever seen one partner do to another is what a person I once knew did to her boyfriend - she was angry at his infidelity, so she embarked on a long-term campaign to punish him by fattening him up. She made his lunches, and liberally soaked the sandwich bread in butter, added bacon to everything, put in all sorts of fattening sweets and chips. This sounds like something out of a bad romantic comedy. Did it work? You’d think he would notice after awhile. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/withholding-sex-to-punish-your-so/528412/32 "2010-02-10T19:49:27Z")
> [@badbadrubberpiggy](#): > > This sounds like something out of a bad romantic comedy. > > Did it work? You’d think he would notice after awhile. He noticed. He thought the lunches were better. It worked, in that he got fatter, but it didn’t cut down on his infidelity. They were, and still are, a couple messed up in multiple ways. ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/withholding-sex-to-punish-your-so/528412/33 "2010-02-10T19:54:54Z")
My friends’ wife would deliberately sabotage all his dieting efforts by cooking all his favorite foods in huge portions and making all sorts of yummy cakes. The general consensus was that she didn’t like him being less fat than her. ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/withholding-sex-to-punish-your-so/528412/34 "2010-02-10T20:38:51Z")
> [@SecretaryofEvil](#): > > Hell, I get pretty surly on the rare occasions when she’s “too sleepy". Be careful of this one, it really makes you sound like an ass. My ex used to “demand” sex from me multiple times a day, every day. For 3 years. There were some times when I had to literally push him off of me. Only after I got out of the relationship and had some time and space to reflect did I realize this was actually abusive behavior: way worse than punishing by “withholding” sex. I’ve never “withheld” sex from a SO. If I’m on my period, or otherwise don’t feel physically up to it, I’m not going to (after my previous experience, I do not allow _anyone_ to pressure me). Likewise, if I’m angry or upset about something I’m not going to. That may be interpreted as “withholding” sex, but I assure you, it is not. ---
**Author:** ![SecretaryofEvil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@SecretaryofEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SecretaryofEvil)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/withholding-sex-to-punish-your-so/528412/35 "2010-02-10T22:10:10Z")
> [@Spiff](#): > > For many years, when I tried to initiate sex with my wife, she would present list to me, usually just a few items, that I needed to attend to before she would consent to intercourse. > > That sucked, and I finally told her so. > > We still have issues, but that was a big one that we eventually did resolve. If you don’t mind me asking, how did you work out this issue? Did your wife put up any sort of rational defense or did she think what she was doing was a bad idea? Did you comply with the lists? I’m glad to see that this isn’t too common of a practice, but all the jokes made me wonder how much basis there was in reality. I get the difference between withholding until my demands are met and so pissed I’m not in the mood. I talked with the young lady of the house about this and she likes coupling when we’re fighting because that’s when you get “that good, angry, work out your frustrations sex,” plus it’ll probably end the fight, at least temporarily. She also says I’m the whorish one, since she does sooooo much for me and I’m only good for sex and carrying heaving things. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/withholding-sex-to-punish-your-so/528412/36 "2010-02-10T22:42:03Z")
> [@SecretaryofEvil](#): > > I find this withholding sex stuff incredibly (wish I had a better word) Me, too. ‘Withholding’ kind of makes it sound like you are entitled to sex with someone unless they keep it from you. ---
**Author:** ![Markxxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@Markxxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Markxxx)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/withholding-sex-to-punish-your-so/528412/37 "2010-02-10T22:52:18Z")
I love this device which is used on _Everybody Loves Raymond_, all the time. I feel like telling Debra, Ray’s a nice looking guy, with a good job, who makes a lot of money. If you won’t give him sex, a lot of others would. As Mae West said, “Never keep a man guessing, 'cause someone else will give him the answers” ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/withholding-sex-to-punish-your-so/528412/38 "2010-02-10T23:49:23Z")
Sex with holding: cool. Sex withholding: not cool. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/withholding-sex-to-punish-your-so/528412/39 "2010-02-11T00:51:17Z")
> [@Markxxx](#): > > I love this device which is used on _Everybody Loves Raymond_, all the time. I feel like telling Debra, Ray’s a nice looking guy, with a good job, who makes a lot of money. If you won’t give him sex, a lot of others would. > > As Mae West said, “Never keep a man guessing, 'cause someone else will give him the answers” I dunno, he always struck me as a whiny, thoughtless wimp who was willing to let her shoulder the entire burden of dealing with his pushy, insulting, bitchy mother. Yeah, I bet women are just lining up around the block for a guy like that. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/withholding-sex-to-punish-your-so/528412/40 "2010-02-11T02:47:47Z")
> [@SecretaryofEvil](#): > > [snip] I talked with the young lady of the house about this and she likes coupling when we’re fighting because that’s when you get “that good, angry, work out your frustrations sex,” plus it’ll probably end the fight, at least temporarily. She also says I’m the whorish one, since she does sooooo much for me and I’m only good for sex and carrying heaving things. There is a significant difference between early-relationship “I do not understand you” or “Is the fight that ends our relationship?” anger/frustration and mature relationship “I can’t believe I am changing the litter box at 9:00 PM when you promised you’d do it and I know damn well the cat will start shitting in the closet if it doesn’t get done tonight” irritation. The former can lead to good sex. The latter does not. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/withholding-sex-to-punish-your-so/528412.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/withholding-sex-to-punish-your-so/528412.md?page=3)