# witless religious platitudes, or, fortune-cookie Christianity **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 12, 2010, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222 "2010-05-12T21:04:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Cyningablod](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9fc29f/32.png) [@Cyningablod](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cyningablod)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2010, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/1 "2010-05-12T21:04:59Z")
I have a lot of Christian friends and family on FaceBook. I begrudge no one his or her religious faith at all, but I do honestly get SOOOOO tired of the trite, banal spiritual aphorisms and supposedly pithy metaphysical maxims that they go about spewing all over the interwebs. “God doesn’t close a door without opening a window,” “Seven days without prayer makes one _weak_,” “A nail-hole in the hand is worth two in the bush”, etc., etc. **(OK, I made that last one up.)** But you get the idea. There’s really little that’s more puerile, more nausea-inducing, than church-sign philosophizing. Fortune-cookie Christianity, I call it. If you’re going to express your faith publicly, AT LEAST be sophisticated about it!!! :smack: I write this here because if I put it on FaceBook, where I WANT to put it, I’d probably piss off 85% of my friends and family. It ain’t easy bein’ the black sheep. ---
**Author:** ![Squink](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5e925/32.png) [@Squink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Squink)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2010, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/2 "2010-05-12T21:22:32Z")
> [@Cyningablod](#): > > It ain’t easy bein’ the black sheep. God blesses you anyway, and’ll make a banquet for you in the presence of your enemies. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2010, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/3 "2010-05-12T21:51:01Z")
> [@Cyningablod](#): > > It ain’t easy bein’ the black sheep. That’s all right; they can deal with it; they know that, some day, the lost shall be found. ---
**Author:** ![Kobal2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kobal2/32/20_2.png) [@Kobal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kobal2)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2010, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/4 "2010-05-12T22:20:16Z")
> [@Cyningablod](#): > > I write this here because if I put it on FaceBook, where I WANT to put it, I’d probably piss off 85% of my friends and family. So ? ---
**Author:** ![Revtim](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/revtim/32/1042_2.png) [@Revtim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revtim)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2010, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/5 "2010-05-12T22:30:47Z")
Make up ones like you did the OP, and take care to only make ones that don’t make sense. Watch as your religious friends and family “like” it, and laugh at them behind their back. ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2010, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/6 "2010-05-12T23:35:53Z")
Some more stupid ones: Satan looks up, God looks down. Faith is a re-knew-able resource. Love is stigmata on the soul. Crying in the woods means you’re in the woods of crying. Looking past the cross? Cross _passed_ the looking! Hang in there. Jesus did. Prayer is the kool-ade of the soul. Faith is the cake. Nine months in the womb. Three days in the tomb. If you fail to prepare, God will never fail to care. ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2010, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/7 "2010-05-12T23:45:46Z")
Ooh, this looks like fun. “Yesterday’s crown of thorns is today’s linen shroud.” “Rest in His hands but don’t fall through the nail-holes.” “When you’re taking the beam out of your eye, try not to blink.” “Remember, you can’t feed a multitude with _two_ loaves and _five_ fishes!” They almost might mean something but they just… don’t. ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/8 "2010-05-13T00:50:37Z")
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life. Lord Adonai, fill my cup with fish and loaves and iPads, yea, even until running over. Sovereign Jesus, who maketh my johnson long and my virility ever as unto a standing deacon of the church who wears those funny hats, watch over me and videotape me as I do scoreth with the cross-dressing ho who always stands on the corner with those beefcake pantyhose that maketh me ever so horny, that I might remember this moment unto the day that my bodily functions decayeth and my memories do perish, and my spirit evaporateth into the aether. Amen. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/9 "2010-05-13T00:53:29Z")
Oh, yes, I love these. Once at work a coworker was telling about how her teenage unmarried daughter was pregnant, and that she must have conceived right about the time her grandfather, my coworker’s father, had passed away. She said, “I thought, oh well, it must be a sign!” I said, “Yeah, it’s a sign that she had unprotected sex!” That did _not_ make me popular. ---
**Author:** ![Creole\_Tomato](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a4c791/32.png) [@Creole\_Tomato](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Creole_Tomato)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/10 "2010-05-13T01:00:00Z")
I saw one on the back of a t-shirt today: When life pushes us to our knees, then we’re in the right position to pray to our God! I don’t know, maybe I have a dirty mind, but I was thinking something totally different about what position that would be right for. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/11 "2010-05-13T01:05:33Z")
% I’m sorry, I don’t pray that way % ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/12 "2010-05-13T01:39:49Z")
> [@Cyningablod](#): > > If you’re going to express your faith publicly, AT LEAST be sophisticated about it!!! :smack: I don’t think Christianity is **supposed** to be sophisticated. “Even as a little child” and all that. Sophistication is for the Pharisees and Doctors of the Law. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/13 "2010-05-13T02:28:02Z")
> [@BrainGlutton](#): > > I don’t think Christianity is **supposed** to be sophisticated. “Even as a little child” and all that. Sophistication is for the Pharisees and Doctors of the Law. Sophisticated? No. But there is something for repeating a thought in a way that you can tell you actually know what it means. Plus, most of these people are actually using these because they think they are clever. They’re trying to be sophisticated, but failing. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/14 "2010-05-13T02:44:06Z")
> [@](#): > > Once at work a coworker was telling about how her teenage unmarried daughter was pregnant, and that she must have conceived right about the time her grandfather, my coworker’s father, had passed away. She said, “I thought, oh well, it must be a sign!” I said, “Yeah, it’s a sign that she had unprotected sex!” That did not make me popular. “So you feel that your father was somehow involved in his granddaughter getting pregnant?” ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/15 "2010-05-13T03:45:36Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > “So you feel that your father was somehow involved in his granddaughter getting pregnant?” “And that he died of it?” ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 5:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/16 "2010-05-13T05:10:33Z")
> [@Derleth](#): > > Prayer is the kool-ade of the soul. Faith is the cake. Mmmm…Kool-Aid and cake…_Homer Simpson drooling noise_ ---
**Author:** ![Biotop](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biotop/32/321_2.png) [@Biotop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biotop)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/17 "2010-05-13T05:13:08Z")
- When Life hands you lemons, make LAMBonade - This could be your Year of Living Manger-ously… - [Christianity.com](http://Christianity.com): So easy a SAVED man can do it! ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/18 "2010-05-13T05:32:11Z")
> [@Cyningablod](#): > > “God doesn’t close a door without opening a window,” No wonder God’s AC bill is so high. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 5:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/19 "2010-05-13T05:34:43Z")
_Know God, know peace. No God, no peace._ (That’s why religious countries are so peaceful.) \* God never gives us more than we can bear. \* (How suicide, nervous breakdowns, mortal injury and terminal illness fit into this bromide I’m not sure but I’m guessing it’s a long story.) _My boss is a Jewish carpenter._ (Good look getting a raise.) A bumper sticker I’ve seen a lot is _Warning: in the event of the Rapture, this car will be driverless_ Another bumper sticker reads “In the event of the Rapture can I have your car?”, but it’s not seen as often. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 5:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/20 "2010-05-13T05:44:44Z")
> [@Cyningablod](#): > > I write this here because if I put it on FaceBook, where I WANT to put it, I’d probably piss off 85% of my friends and family. I don’t see what’s stopping you. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222.md?page=2)