# witless religious platitudes, or, fortune-cookie Christianity **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 12, 2010, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222 "2010-05-12T21:04:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 5:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/21 "2010-05-13T05:48:23Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > My boss is a Jewish carpenter. (Good look getting a raise.) Er, **Sampiro** , not to get all offenderati on your ass here, but did you **mean** that to come across as a “stingy Jew” joke? ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/22 "2010-05-13T05:59:27Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > Er, **Sampiro** , not to get all offenderati on your ass here, but did you **mean** that to come across as a “stingy Jew” joke? No, I meant it as “try asking Jesus for a raise” joke. It just occurred that it works on the offensive level also. Of course either way it offends me. Of course a separate issue I’ve always had with this is that Jesus is never referred to as a carpenter. It’s arguable that his [step]father Joseph was though there are other translations of the Greek word _tecton_ that mean anything from contractor to scholar. IIRC one of the words used in one of the Gospels translates more closely as “laborer”. Calling Jesus the carpenter irks me in the way that “were you there when they nailed Him to the tree?” and other lyrics and sermons that refer to him being nailed to a _tree_ irk me- he was nailed to a cross. True it was made of wood, but do you call your dining table or your barstool a “tree” if they’re made of wood? ---
**Author:** ![BigBertha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/d78d45/32.png) [@BigBertha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigBertha)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 6:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/23 "2010-05-13T06:55:35Z")
I love the God has a reason for not answering yet. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 7:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/24 "2010-05-13T07:57:27Z")
Lamb of God, the take-away that feeds all the earth. Graaa, aaaaaant us a piece! ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 8:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/25 "2010-05-13T08:46:00Z")
> [@Squink](#): > > God blesses you anyway, and’ll make a banquet for you in the presence of your enemies. 😉 “Yes…for I shall feast upon the hearts of God’s enemies!!” Honest, that’s the first line that went though my head at that phrase… ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 12:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/26 "2010-05-13T12:56:47Z")
> [@Ludovic](#): > > Sovereign Jesus, who maketh my johnson long and my virility ever as unto a standing deacon of the church who wears those funny hats, watch over me and videotape me as I do scoreth with the cross-dressing ho who always stands on the corner with those beefcake pantyhose that maketh me ever so horny, that I might remember this moment unto the day that my bodily functions decayeth and my memories do perish, and my spirit evaporateth into the aether. Amen. Well… yeah. I’ve been saying that for years. It’s really pretty obvious when you think about it. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/27 "2010-05-13T13:46:13Z")
Mom sent me a glurgey email the other day, with a bunch of stuff like: Isn’t it strange how a 20 dollar bill seems like such a large amount when you donate it to church, but such a small amount when you go shopping? Isn’t it strange how 2 hours seem so long when you’re at church, and how short they seem when you’re watching a good movie? Isn’t it strange how difficult and boring it is to read one chapter of the Bible but how easy it is to read 100 pages of a popular novel? I replied, “You should try atheism, everything will make a lot more sense!” ---
**Author:** ![Mighty\_Girl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7bcc69/32.png) [@Mighty\_Girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mighty_Girl)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/28 "2010-05-13T14:33:08Z")
Ah, I see you’ve “friended” some of my friends and relatives too. I am sure there can’t be that many people regurgitating nonsense. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/29 "2010-05-13T15:03:40Z")
> [@Cyningablod](#): > > “God doesn’t close a door without opening a window.” I’ve always loved this phrase. In a nutshell, god encourages burglary. ---
**Author:** ![descamisado](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@descamisado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/descamisado)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/30 "2010-05-13T15:25:07Z")
> [@Mighty\_Girl](#): > > Ah, I see you’ve “friended” some of my friends and relatives too. I am sure there can’t be that many people regurgitating nonsense. > [@](#): > > The email forwarding logic of 20 friends for 3 days reaching every American needs to be explained in a simplier way. Would there ever be a case where the same 20 people just keep sending it to each other, ad infinitum? [From here.](http://wonkette.com/415215/wingnuts-are-furious-about-obama-reading-a-best-selling-book-by-a-newsweek-writer) Somebody I know says, “The Bible says God can, it doesn’t say he will.” Okay, but then why would I ask him for anything if he’s going to play games like that, so I’ll change that to “The Bible says God can, but since he a big old passive-aggressive, sadistic freak, it doesn’t say he will.” ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/31 "2010-05-13T15:33:43Z")
My friend sent me a fabulous one the other day that his sister posted. It went something like: _If you jump off a cliff and your faith is strong enough, one of two things will happen: God will catch you or he will teach you how to fly._ I wanted him to tell her to try it, but he wouldn’t. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/32 "2010-05-13T15:42:49Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > My friend sent me a fabulous one the other day that his sister posted. It went something like: > > _If you jump off a cliff and your faith is strong enough, one of two things will happen: God will catch you or he will teach you how to fly._ > > I wanted him to tell her to try it, but he wouldn’t. ☹ I find it hilarious that many Christians would likely find that inspiring but none of them would be willing to try it. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/33 "2010-05-13T15:56:27Z")
_When life hands you the babies of your enemies, dash their heads against the rocks of righteousness._ Wait… ---
**Author:** ![Creole\_Tomato](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a4c791/32.png) [@Creole\_Tomato](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Creole_Tomato)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/34 "2010-05-13T16:00:16Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > I find it hilarious that many Christians would likely find that inspiring but none of them would be willing to try it. Either A) God will have a reason for not answering in time, or B) When closes closes a door he opens a parachute. I’d like to nominate a task force to find out. Hold on while I put together a list of names… ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/35 "2010-05-13T16:05:54Z")
> [@Creole\_Tomato](#): > > Either > A) God will have a reason for not answering in time, or > B) When closes closes a door he opens a parachute. > > I’d like to nominate a task force to find out. Hold on while I put together a list of names… Keep in mind that anyone who jumps without a parachute to see if God will save them will be committing suicide and thus destined for Hell. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/36 "2010-05-13T16:06:46Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > _Know God, know peace. No God, no peace._ (That’s why religious countries are so peaceful.) > \* The one I saw was: Know Jesus. Know Love. No Jesus. No Love. I like the term “fortune cookie Christianity”. Did the OP make that up? ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/37 "2010-05-13T16:09:46Z")
This thread seems to be the only Google hit for that phrase, so yeah, I’d say **Cyningablod** holds the copyright. ---
**Author:** ![Creole\_Tomato](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a4c791/32.png) [@Creole\_Tomato](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Creole_Tomato)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/38 "2010-05-13T16:12:09Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > Keep in mind that anyone who jumps without a parachute to see if God will save them will be committing suicide and thus destined for Hell. The devil is always in the details. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/39 "2010-05-13T16:24:09Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > This thread seems to be the only Google hit for that phrase, so yeah, I’d say **Cyningablod** holds the copyright. Could be the basis of a fun game in the Games Forum! ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/40 "2010-05-13T16:45:59Z")
> [@](#): > > I like the term “fortune cookie Christianity”. Did the OP make that up? \*\*“Open the Window and let the Son shine in!” Learn Chinese – 基督教 – “Christianity” Your Lucky Numbers – 3 : 16\*\* [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222.md?page=3)