# witless religious platitudes, or, fortune-cookie Christianity **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 12, 2010, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222 "2010-05-12T21:04:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Superfluous\_Parentheses](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8edcca/32.png) [@Superfluous\_Parentheses](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superfluous_Parentheses)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/41 "2010-05-13T17:19:54Z")
God, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we died. All that matters is that two stood against many. That’s what’s important! Valor pleases you, God… so grant me one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you! ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/42 "2010-05-13T17:24:38Z")
> [@Creole\_Tomato](#): > > Either > A) God will have a reason for not answering in time, or > B) When closes closes a door he opens a parachute. My guess is that the explanation would be that their faith just wasn’t strong enough. > [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > Keep in mind that anyone who jumps without a parachute to see if God will save them will be committing suicide and thus destined for Hell. Well, that, or they’re testing God. And you’re not allowed to test God. Oh no. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/43 "2010-05-13T17:31:23Z")
> [@Cyningablod](#): > > I begrudge no one his or her religious faith at all, but I do honestly get SOOOOO tired of the trite, banal spiritual aphorisms and supposedly pithy metaphysical maxims that they go about spewing all over the interwebs. As a Christian, I can only say **Amen!** > [@BrainGlutton](#): > > I don’t think Christianity is **supposed** to be sophisticated. “Even as a little child” and all that. Sophistication is for the Pharisees and Doctors of the Law. “Brothers, stop thinking like children. In regard to evil be infants, but in your thinking be adults.” (I Corinthians 14:20) > [@Dung\_Beetle](#): > > Isn’t it strange how 2 hours seem so long when you’re at church, and how short they seem when you’re watching a good movie? “Thanks, Mom, for reminding me how tedious church is. I’ll be sure to stay away!” ---
**Author:** ![Cyningablod](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9fc29f/32.png) [@Cyningablod](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cyningablod)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/44 "2010-05-13T17:41:46Z")
> [@John\_Mace](#): > > I like the term “fortune cookie Christianity”. Did the OP make that up? Yup. At least, I _think_ I did. ---
**Author:** ![Cyningablod](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9fc29f/32.png) [@Cyningablod](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cyningablod)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/45 "2010-05-13T17:45:02Z")
Y’all crack me up. I love some of the responses this has gotten. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/46 "2010-05-13T18:37:12Z")
> [@Dung\_Beetle](#): > > Isn’t it strange how 2 hours seem so long when you’re at church, and how short they seem when you’re watching a good movie? Wait – some people have services for 2 hours??? And people complain about Catholic Mass being too long!!! (It’s only an hour – less if the homily is short) ---
**Author:** ![StusBlues](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@StusBlues](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StusBlues)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/47 "2010-05-13T18:42:18Z")
How about: Love thigh, neighbor You are never a loan; salvation is a gift Jesus saves; the Pope invests ---
**Author:** ![Balance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/48 "2010-05-13T18:46:10Z")
> [@StusBlues](#): > > Jesus saves; the Pope invests Okay, this one is brilliant. ---
**Author:** ![heatmiserfl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/df705f/32.png) [@heatmiserfl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/heatmiserfl)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/49 "2010-05-13T18:52:59Z")
If it’s fortune cookie Christianity, aren’t we supposed to add “in bed” at the end of our aphorisms? “Seven days without prayer makes one weak…in bed” “A nail-hole in the hand is worth two in the bush…in bed” “God never gives us more than we can bear…in bed” ---
**Author:** ![heatmiserfl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/df705f/32.png) [@heatmiserfl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/heatmiserfl)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/50 "2010-05-13T18:54:02Z")
> [@StusBlues](#): > > How about: > > Love thigh, neighbor …in bed (perfect typo) ---
**Author:** ![Creole\_Tomato](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a4c791/32.png) [@Creole\_Tomato](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Creole_Tomato)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/51 "2010-05-13T18:54:15Z")
> [@heatmiserfl](#): > > “God never gives us more than we can bear…in bed” I like this one. Maybe there’s something to this after all. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/52 "2010-05-13T18:56:08Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > Wait – some people have services for 2 hours??? And people complain about Catholic Mass being too long!!! (It’s only an hour – less if the homily is short) A Catholic Mass is theoretically an hour–with the homily being the pivot point, as you observed. At the parish I attended when I was a kid, the Sunday morning Mass routinely ran at least 75 minutes. Then, on particular holy days, you might have services for two or three hours. ---
**Author:** ![Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malleus_incus_stapes/32/3293_2.png) [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malleus_Incus_Stapes)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/53 "2010-05-13T19:22:46Z")
Do you at least get something to eat afterwards? People grumble about how long synagogue services are, but at least there’s a [kiddush](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kiddush#Kiddush_reception) at the end. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/54 "2010-05-13T19:37:21Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > A Catholic Mass is theoretically an hour–with the homily being the pivot point, as you observed. At the parish I attended when I was a kid, the Sunday morning Mass routinely ran at least 75 minutes. Well, Mass does slow down time. It’s relativity! ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/55 "2010-05-13T19:46:11Z")
> [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](#): > > Do you at least get something to eat afterwards? Don’t even have to wait until afterwards; they give you a little snack about ten minutes before the end. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Superfluous\_Parentheses](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8edcca/32.png) [@Superfluous\_Parentheses](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superfluous_Parentheses)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/56 "2010-05-13T19:57:55Z")
> [@kaylasdad99](#): > > Don’t even have to wait until afterwards; they give you a little snack about ten minutes before the end. 😃 Crackers and wine. Breakfast of champions. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/57 "2010-05-13T20:01:39Z")
Ha! When I was growing up, we attended a Catholic church where - I don’t remember the details exactly - the priest had some TV program he always watched that came on precisely the hour after Mass. Can’t remember if it was sports, or what … but it meant that Mass always wrapped promptly up about two minutes till, and he was running around flipping off the lights for the altar before the congregation had so much as stood up and collected their coats off the pews. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Seen on a button: I found Jesus! (He was behind the couch the whole time!) ---
**Author:** ![sciurophobic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cab0a1/32.png) [@sciurophobic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sciurophobic)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/58 "2010-05-13T20:08:33Z")
> [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](#): > > Do you at least get something to eat afterwards? People grumble about how long synagogue services are, but at least there’s a [kiddush](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kiddush#Kiddush_reception) at the end. Unless it’s Kol Nidre. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/59 "2010-05-13T20:40:45Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > No, I meant it as “try asking Jesus for a raise” joke. It just occurred that it works on the offensive level also. Of course either way it offends me. > > Of course a separate issue I’ve always had with this is that Jesus is never referred to as a carpenter. It’s arguable that his [step]father Joseph was though there are other translations of the Greek word _tecton_ that mean anything from contractor to scholar. IIRC one of the words used in one of the Gospels translates more closely as “laborer”. Calling Jesus the carpenter irks me in the way that “were you there when they nailed Him to the tree?” and other lyrics and sermons that refer to him being nailed to a _tree_ irk me- he was nailed to a cross. True it was made of wood, but do you call your dining table or your barstool a “tree” if they’re made of wood? I took the Jewish carpenter boss thing to be a stingy Jew remark. But I like offensive racial jokes. As for the “nailed to a tree” thing, I can’t resist the reference after reading Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. > [@](#): > > And then, one Thursday, nearly two thousand years after one man had been nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be nice to people for a change… It just so offhandedly blasts the entire religion as inconsequential and self-important. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/60 "2010-05-13T21:01:40Z")
> [@Ludovic](#): > > % I’m sorry, I don’t pray that way % Don’t worship me please; I cannot stand the way you tease. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222.md?page=4)