# witless religious platitudes, or, fortune-cookie Christianity **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 12, 2010, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222 "2010-05-12T21:04:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/61 "2010-05-13T21:03:27Z")
> [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](#): > > Do you at least get something to eat afterwards? Erm, I think you could go over to the parish hall for breakfast. My family, though, would pile into the car, turn on _Car Talk_, and swing by the bakery on the way home for donuts, possibly accompanied by hot ham and rolls (especially if there was a Packer’s game). > [@Superfluous\_Parentheses](#): > > Crackers and wine. Breakfast of champions. I thought that was a martini? > [@Inigo\_Montoya](#): > > As for the “nailed to a tree” thing, I can’t resist the reference after reading Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. It just so offhandedly blasts the entire religion as inconsequential and self-important. I never read it that way at all, and TBQH I’m not sure where you’re getting that. I just thought it was an amusing way of stating things, with no commentary one way or the other on Christian churches or the divinity of Jesus. Not to mention making for a fun mental picture. “Love one ano- HEY WHAT ARE YOU _OW OW **OW OW OW** _.” ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/62 "2010-05-13T21:08:58Z")
Warning: offensive Tshirt: > **[T-Shirt Hell :: ME SO HOLY ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME](https://www.tshirthell.com/funny-shirts/me-so-holy-me-love-you-long-time/)** > > Me So Holy Me Love You Long Time ---
**Author:** ![EvilTOJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee59a6/32.png) [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/63 "2010-05-13T21:52:51Z")
My brother has a T shirt that says “Be the moon. Reflect the Son” I find it cute in an astronomy nerd kinda way. fortune-cookie christianity! I love it!This, however is my [favorite](http://www.farleftside.com/2008/5-16-08.html) sacrilicious comic ever ---
**Author:** ![Fear\_Itself](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fear_itself/32/19637_2.png) [@Fear\_Itself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fear_Itself)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/64 "2010-05-13T22:05:27Z")
“Life is Fragile, Handle with Prayer” “Be Patient, God Isn’t Finished With Me Yet” “My Lifeguard Walks on Water” ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/65 "2010-05-13T23:15:23Z")
Does anyone remember the episode of _Rescue Me_, where we first see Jesus\* ripping around in his sports car (was it a Ferrari?) and the license plate holder said: This is what I drive. That cracked me up. \*The main character routinely has visions of Jesus and sometimes Mary. We’re not really told whether these are “real” or he’s completely dillusional. ---
**Author:** ![BunnyTVS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BunnyTVS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BunnyTVS)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/66 "2010-05-14T00:05:26Z")
“Christianity, the God’s Bollocks” “Jesus is the stranger who stands behind you in the dark.” “Get a woody for Jesus, he got one for you.” “The holiest hands on Earth” “We are all God’s children. So what’s the big deal about Jesus?” “If your happy and you know it clap your hands. If your Jesus and you know it…” “Jesus walks beside me. Stingy bastard won’t go halves on a cab.” ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/67 "2010-05-14T00:27:50Z")
> [@Inigo\_Montoya](#): > > > [@](#): > > > > And then, one Thursday, nearly two thousand years after one man had been nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be nice to people for a change… > > As for the “nailed to a tree” thing, I can’t resist the reference after reading Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. It just so offhandedly blasts the entire religion as inconsequential and self-important. > [@](#): > > ‘We put poisons in our water and air to weed out the weak! We detonate fission bombs in our only biosphere! We nailed our god to a stick! > Don’t fuck with the human race!’ From a sig some guy on another forum has. ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/68 "2010-05-14T01:13:23Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > Oh, yes, I love these. > > Once at work a coworker was telling about how her teenage unmarried daughter was pregnant, and that she must have conceived right about the time her grandfather, my coworker’s father, had passed away. She said, “I thought, oh well, it must be a sign!” I said, “Yeah, it’s a sign that she had unprotected sex!” That did _not_ make me popular. Oddly, my thought was: “It’s a sign that she met someone at the funeral?” ---
**Author:** ![Kobal2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kobal2/32/20_2.png) [@Kobal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kobal2)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 8:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/69 "2010-05-14T08:48:35Z")
> [@sciurophobic](#): > > Unless it’s Kol Nidre. Yeah, but who’s hungry after that ? You could take Hello Kitty after a week-long binge of sunshine and rainbow farting unicorns, promise it that just after the ceremony it will be allowed to do Jell-O shots and coke right off the Powerpuff girls, and it would still shoot itself in the head midway through that piece of music. It’s \*that \*depressing. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 9:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/70 "2010-05-14T09:24:57Z")
Does anyone else read these in their head with a Reverend Jackson voice? ---
**Author:** ![Khaki\_Campbell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9de053/32.png) [@Khaki\_Campbell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khaki_Campbell)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 10:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/71 "2010-05-14T10:54:46Z")
> [@lissener](#): > > Warning: offensive Tshirt: > > [Me So Holy Me Love You Long Time - Men's T-Shirt – T-Shirt Hell](http://www.tshirthell.com/funny-shirts/me-so-holy-me-love-you-long-time/) Muhahaha. You find this offensive ? What about Marduk’s “Fuck Me Jesus” [shirt](http://www.metalmarkt.ch/shop/images/Marduk_Fuck_me_Jesus_Shirt.jpg) ? ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/72 "2010-05-14T13:04:44Z")
> [@EvilTOJ](#): > > My brother has a T shirt that says “Be the moon. Reflect the Son” So… we’re supposed to moon Jesus? ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Borgia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_borgia/32/156_2.png) [@Larry\_Borgia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Borgia)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 1:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/73 "2010-05-14T13:18:37Z")
> [@Derleth](#): > > Some more stupid ones: > > Satan looks up, God looks down. > > Faith is a re-knew-able resource. > > Love is stigmata on the soul. > > **Crying in the woods means you’re in the woods of crying.** > > **Looking past the cross? Cross _passed_ the looking!** > > Hang in there. Jesus did. > > Prayer is the kool-ade of the soul. Faith is the cake. > > Nine months in the womb. Three days in the tomb. > > If you fail to prepare, God will never fail to care. my bold Wait, what? Those don’t even make sense! Are they for real? the ones around them seem real. It like the wirter just switched random subjects and obljects. The first doesn’t have anything to do with C-tianity at all. Sweating in a marathon means you are in a marathon of sweating. Jesus is our save-your, so we must savor Jesus (perhaps said before communion.) ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/74 "2010-05-14T13:29:42Z")
The Woods of Crying would make a good fantasy location (and of course a band name) ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/75 "2010-05-14T15:23:10Z")
> [@Kobal2](#): > > Yeah, but who’s hungry after that ? > You could take Hello Kitty after a week-long binge of sunshine and rainbow farting unicorns, promise it that just after the ceremony it will be allowed to do Jell-O shots and coke right off the Powerpuff girls, and it would still shoot itself in the head midway through that piece of music. It’s \*that \*depressing. Epic description, my friend. Truly awesome. ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/76 "2010-05-14T16:03:41Z")
> [@Kobal2](#): > > Yeah, but who’s hungry after that ? If you did things right, you ate a substantial meal just before Kol Nidre. You shouldn’t be hungry. ---
**Author:** ![FriarTed](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/friarted/32/1052_2.png) [@FriarTed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FriarTed)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/77 "2010-05-14T16:16:56Z")
> [@Larry\_Borgia](#): > > my bold > > Wait, what? Those don’t even make sense! Are they for real? the ones around them seem real. It like the wirter just switched random subjects and obljects. The first doesn’t have anything to do with C-tianity at all. > > Sweating in a marathon means you are in a marathon of sweating. > > Jesus is our save-your, so we must savor Jesus (perhaps said before communion.) I recall Ben Stiller’s confrontation with The Sphinx in MYSTERY MEN… The Sphinx: You must learn to master your anger- Ben: Or my anger will master me! Is that what you were going to say? It is! Isn’t it? The Sphinx: … Not… necessarily… ---
**Author:** ![WolfpackJeep](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wolfpackjeep/32/2921_2.png) [@WolfpackJeep](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WolfpackJeep)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/78 "2010-05-14T16:23:12Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > A Catholic Mass is theoretically an hour–with the homily being the pivot point, as you observed. At the parish I attended when I was a kid, the Sunday morning Mass routinely ran at least 75 minutes. My father was of the opinion that Saturday evening Mass should last no longer than one hour. Sometimes the Mass would be conducted by a particularly long-winded priest; on those occasions, after we went up for communion, Dad would steer us toward the doors rather than back to our seats. 😃 One other notable thing about this priest: he was known for holding the Host up to the congregation and proclaiming, “Look look look! Here is Jesus!” ---
**Author:** ![adhay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecd19e/32.png) [@adhay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/adhay)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/79 "2010-05-14T17:41:05Z")
Life is a short term loan from God, Jesus holds the paper. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Borgia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_borgia/32/156_2.png) [@Larry\_Borgia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Borgia)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/80 "2010-05-14T18:35:17Z")
> [@FriarTed](#): > > I recall Ben Stiller’s confrontation with The Sphinx in MYSTERY MEN… > > The Sphinx: You must learn to master your anger- > > Ben: Or my anger will master me! Is that what you were going to say? It is! Isn’t it? > > The Sphinx: … Not… necessarily… I was thinking the same thing! “If you can balance a tack hammer on your head, you can head off your foes with a balanced attack.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222.md?page=5)