# witless religious platitudes, or, fortune-cookie Christianity **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 12, 2010, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222 "2010-05-12T21:04:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![StusBlues](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@StusBlues](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StusBlues)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/81 "2010-05-14T19:28:42Z")
> [@WolfpackJeep](#): > > One other notable thing about this priest: he was known for holding the Host up to the congregation and proclaiming, “Look look look! Here is Jesus!” In those words? Interesting tidbit: in medieval churches, it was not uncommon for people in back to yell something to the effect of “down in front” when the priest raised the host. They really wanted to see Christ, dammit! ---
**Author:** ![Infovore](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/infovore/32/420_2.png) [@Infovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Infovore)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/82 "2010-05-14T19:50:45Z")
There’s a church near my house that puts up these stupid sayings all the time, and they annoy me every time I see them. They did the “Seven days without prayer makes one weak” one, as well as “God answers ‘knee-mail’.” _sigh_ I remember when I was a kid there used to be some movement that had as their slogan “I Found It!” (I don’t remember what ‘it’ was, if I ever knew). Soon after, people started wearing buttons that said “I Lost It!” One time I saw somebody wearing one with, “I Had It Surgically Removed!” That one always made me laugh. While we’re at it, I’m also annoyed by those stupid “Calvin kneeling before a cross” stickers. I’m sorry, Calvin didn’t do that any more than he peed on Ford logos. Leave him alone and make your own stupid character if you must do this! ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/83 "2010-05-14T20:06:19Z")
> [@Larry\_Borgia](#): > > my bold > > Wait, what? Those don’t even make sense! Are they for real? the ones around them seem real. It like the wirter just switched random subjects and obljects. The first doesn’t have anything to do with C-tianity at all. > > Sweating in a marathon means you are in a marathon of sweating. > > Jesus is our save-your, so we must savor Jesus (perhaps said before communion.) You missed my point entirely. _None_ of them make sense. I made them _all_ up on the spot as a nonsensical parody of those bumper stickers. ---
**Author:** ![Cyningablod](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9fc29f/32.png) [@Cyningablod](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cyningablod)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/84 "2010-05-14T21:20:00Z")
> [@winterhawk11](#): > > While we’re at it, I’m also annoyed by those stupid “Calvin kneeling before a cross” stickers. I’m sorry, Calvin didn’t do that any more than he peed on Ford logos. Leave him alone and make your own stupid character if you must do this! Amen. Amen! **Amen!**** AMEN!! **_** AMEN!!!**_ Sacrilege against the Only Begotten Son of Bill Watterson is high sacrilege indeed! ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/85 "2010-05-14T21:32:57Z")
> [@WolfpackJeep](#): > > My father was of the opinion that Saturday evening Mass should last no longer than one hour. Sometimes the Mass would be conducted by a particularly long-winded priest; on those occasions, after we went up for communion, Dad would steer us toward the doors rather than back to our seats. 😃 We used to always leave right after communion. It was to avoid parking lot traffic. I think Jesus was cool with that. ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/86 "2010-05-14T21:34:13Z")
Not to mention the fact that they’re all unlicensed…so you’re proclaiming and advertising your faith by stealing someone else’s intellectual property. Isn’t “Thou shalt not steal” one of the Big Ten??? ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Borgia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_borgia/32/156_2.png) [@Larry\_Borgia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Borgia)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/87 "2010-05-14T21:39:37Z")
> [@Derleth](#): > > You missed my point entirely. _None_ of them make sense. I made them _all_ up on the spot as a nonsensical parody of those bumper stickers. Poe’s law strikes again, I guess. Most of them sounded plausible. Kudos for the whoosh! ---
**Author:** ![Gfactor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9de053/32.png) [@Gfactor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gfactor)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/88 "2010-05-14T22:03:23Z")
Moved from The BBQ Pit to Mundane Pointless Stuff I Must Share. **Gfactor** Pit Moderator ---
**Author:** ![dhkendall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9adbd/32.png) [@dhkendall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dhkendall)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/89 "2010-05-14T22:25:00Z")
Jesus saves … passes to Moses, he shoots, he scores! (Hey, what you expect from a Canadian?) > [@John\_Mace](#): > > \*The main character routinely has visions of Jesus and sometimes Mary. We’re not really told whether these are “real” or he’s completely **dillusional**. (bolding mine) Since when did the Veggie Tales come into this? (My kids often rent Veggie Tales videos from the church library (my son adores Larry Boy, thinks he’s the greatest superhero ever) - to be honest, they can be quite funny and witty. ---
**Author:** ![Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malleus_incus_stapes/32/3293_2.png) [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malleus_Incus_Stapes)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/90 "2010-05-14T22:28:20Z")
> [@Larry\_Borgia](#): > > I was thinking the same thing! > > “If you can balance a tack hammer on your head, you can head off your foes with a balanced attack.” “So why do I have a watermelon on my feet?” (Or is that another part of the movie? I haven’t watched it, I just like quoting it). ---
**Author:** ![WolfpackJeep](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wolfpackjeep/32/2921_2.png) [@WolfpackJeep](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WolfpackJeep)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/91 "2010-05-14T23:13:34Z")
> [@StusBlues](#): > > In those words? Yep, in those words. > [@John\_Mace](#): > > We used to always leave right after communion. It was to avoid parking lot traffic. I think Jesus was cool with that. I think that may have been a large part of the motivation…also, we would meet friends at a restaurant for dinner, and we always promised to meet them at a certain time. ---
**Author:** ![Achren](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/898d66/32.png) [@Achren](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Achren)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/92 "2010-05-15T00:01:56Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > A bumper sticker I’ve seen a lot is > _Warning: in the event of the Rapture, this car will be driverless_ > > Another bumper sticker reads “In the event of the Rapture can I have your car?”, but it’s not seen as often. Even as I kid I hated that bumper sticker. Why would you advertise your Christianity with something that sounds like a threat? “Watch out for my car on the freeway, if I’m suddenly taken away, it might kill you.” Bah. Much better (and related to the second sticker) was one along the lines of, “In event of Rapture, you can have my car.” but I only saw that once! I’m sad it’s not caught on. (Unrelated, today I saw a bumper sticker that said “Don’t blame me, I voted for Sarah”. Yikes.) ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/93 "2010-05-15T04:29:28Z")
> [@StusBlues](#): > > Jesus saves; the Pope invests The way I’ve always heard it: “Jesus saves; Moses invests.” And here’s a truly vomit-producing exchange from CNN: Larry King: “Every day is a gift.” Kathy Lee Gifford: “That’s why it’s called the present.” My favorite response, seen as graffiti after 9/11: “DEAR GOD, SAVE US FROM THE PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE IN YOU.” ---
**Author:** ![Nicolas\_Bourbaki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ecc23a/32.png) [@Nicolas\_Bourbaki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nicolas_Bourbaki)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 5:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/94 "2010-05-15T05:14:05Z")
“Sorrow is the key that releases our tears from eye jail.” Apropos of nothing, here’s the Google Ad for this page: Vote Bush 2008 Write-in God’s candidate for 2008. Term limits: man’s law, not God’s! Seriously. The link is 404, but that’s a direct copypasto. ---
**Author:** ![Balance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 5:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/95 "2010-05-15T05:42:08Z")
> [@panache45](#): > > The way I’ve always heard it: “Jesus saves; Moses invests.” That version loses the pun, though. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/96 "2010-05-15T05:46:36Z")
> [@Achren](#): > > Even as I kid I hated that bumper sticker. Why would you advertise your Christianity with something that sounds like a threat? “Watch out for my car on the freeway, if I’m suddenly taken away, it might kill you.” > > Bah. > > Much better (and related to the second sticker) was one along the lines of, “In event of Rapture, you can have my car.” but I only saw that once! I’m sad it’s not caught on. > > (Unrelated, today I saw a bumper sticker that said “Don’t blame me, I voted for Sarah”. Yikes.) I was always taught it was a warning. As in, make sure there’s actually somebody driving this car. I don’t want it to crash into you or cause any problems. ---
**Author:** ![KRC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/45deac/32.png) [@KRC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KRC)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 8:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/97 "2010-05-15T08:11:00Z")
My favorite was always “God answers prayer. But most of the time He says no.” Once I was in a bad storm and was trying to hold on to a very poorly constructed door that was in danger of being pulled off by 75 mph winds. It was a glass door so I had my face pressed to a wall as I clung to it. At one point I looked around and saw a torrent of water rushing down the street. I completely lost it at that moment and started screaming “Jesus! Jesus!” Then I regained my composure a bit and added “Hey, if you’re sending a tornado, send it to Santa Fe.” ( I live in Albuqerque and the cities have a bit of a rivalry.) A year later there was a small tornado near Santa Fe . So God does answer prayer, it just takes a while. (Yeah, I know, I’ll give myself the wrist slapping now.) ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/98 "2010-05-15T13:19:44Z")
I just saw this one today on my Facebook: \*\* Are you on God’s foreclosure list? Are u a variable or fixed Christian? Variable means you adjust per the situation. Fixed being that which is secure.\*\* I only have one evangelist on my list, and she’s a decent, sweet person so it doesn’t bother me much. I can’t really complain anyway because lately I’ve been posting a lot of information about Buddhism. I’ve gotten lots of positive comments, most surprisingly from the lady who posted the comment in my first paragraph. ---
**Author:** ![dhkendall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9adbd/32.png) [@dhkendall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dhkendall)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/99 "2010-05-15T15:37:02Z")
> [@Nicolas\_Bourbaki](#): > > Apropos of nothing, here’s the Google Ad for this page: > > Vote Bush 2008 > Write-in God’s candidate for 2008. Term limits: man’s law, not God’s! > > Seriously. The link is 404, but that’s a direct copypasto. Ever since I installed AdBlockPlus, I don’t get these ads. Mind letting us know what the URL is so that I can hit the Archived version? ---
**Author:** ![Nicolas\_Bourbaki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ecc23a/32.png) [@Nicolas\_Bourbaki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nicolas_Bourbaki)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222/100 "2010-05-15T23:46:03Z")
Luckily, it’s back. [www.writeinbush.com](http://www.writeinbush.com) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witless-religious-platitudes-or-fortune-cookie-christianity/539222.md?page=6)