I can still do mental arithmetic pretty well and can still write a decent proof. I lose words all the time. But my wife worries me. She may ask me several times a day, what day it is. And ask over and over when the ball game she wants to watch is on. And last week, she forgot she had started a pot of apples to make sauce and, once again, left burnt apple on the pot that took a day of hard work to remove. But so far, her cooking is still superb. But I worry what will happen if she gets worse (or if I follow her down the sink). A year ago, I had to take a driver’s test and the examiner commented afterward that I did everything the way he would have. (Except would he have come to a full stop at every stop sign?)
I know you know this, but that’s not an “if” at this point. With deep affection for you both Hari, I reluctantly suggest you and she need to start looking into how you’ll handle professional memory care for her.
She will become a menace or at least a management problem all too soon, and meanwhile your own physical coping and management capability is declining, albeit at a much lesser rate than hers.
In my years honcho-ing a big condo building I saw many couples walk this sad road. Sorta together, but sorta not. Waiting until things are in crisis to act almost always produces a worse outcome than being proactive. There is often nothing that can be done medically, but much that can be done practically.
I’m not suggesting you warehouse her and forget her. Far from it. There are ways to keep you both together while she has a safer and more supportive environment that she can become accustomed to while she’s still able to learn and accommodate change. The real heartbreaks come from waiting until any change for her is highly traumatic. Which day will come no matter where or how you two are living.
There are few happy notes associated with far elder infirmity. We’d all rather go sit in the sun or take a walk than deal with these challenges. But deal we must, one way or another.
{{Hugs}} my friend.
I much appreciate your kind words and also your suggestions. I think the first thing I have to do is inform my kids. Although they are scattered, one in Boston, one in NYC and one in Seattle; we are in Montreal. We came very close to moving to NYC in 2016, but decided to await the outcome of the election. You know how that worked out. So we bought a condo and sold our house. We are pretty happy here and it is so hard to make a decision. Our son in Seattle, a Microsoft millionaire, has offered to buy us an apartment in NY and call it an investment property, but that doesn’t solve the real problem.
ask her (in a non-offensive way) to repeat your answer, by speaking it out loud…
e.g. the game will start at 4pm sharp.
(see if that helps) …
second (different thought) … I really OFTEN wonder how “invisible” parts of our own decline are … I gather you do notice the “oddities” of your wife, but you might only notice some of your “oddities” (especially the “higher order” ones, like e.g. becoming more conservative, more distrusting, etc…) - and there might be many more than you notice. Sometimes that really gives me pause …
somewhat like you notice the known-unknowns, but not the unknown-unknowns of our behavior …
you = generic you
I can’t knowledgeably handicap the relative benefits of Montreal vs. NYC when it comes to elder care. In the US it’s all self-pay but need not break the bank. Especially if you have wealthy and supportive family available even if not immediately underfoot.
I imagine your wife’s not completely unaware of her condition, but also won’t be real pleased to confront it directly. A proper medical diagnosis is the first step. The path of Alzheimers differs a bunch from that of vascular dementia or Lewy body dementia or senile dementia. None are pleasant, but the support needs and trajectory are different. Knowing which battle you’re destined to fight is a vital, if unpalatable, first step.
I carried my late first wife from being a healthy 50yo to a de facto 85yo in the space of 15 years while cancer slowly ate her body, although thankfully not her mind. End of life is a nasty business no matter how it arrives. But a clear-eyed and squared shoulder approach is the least tragic one. IMO/IME.
I wish you both well my friend.
Thanks to both of you. I often wonder about my own decline. I have not proved a new theorem (as opposed to finding a better proof an old one) in five years or so. In part, because the pandemic prevented my main collaborator in coming for his usual 6 week visit since 2019.
My wife is well-aware of her memory problems. This afternoon, she admonished me not to get angry the fifth time she asked what time today’s game was on TV (mea culpa). On the other hand she still cooks, does laundry, etc., without difficulty. Oh, and does NY Times Saturday crossword puzzles. I won’t look at the puzzle after Wednesday. Make of that what you will.
The mental failures of various dementias are specific in nature while other faculties are unaffected. For now. Our minds are very powerful and redundant things. Until they are not.
From your description you’re probably destined to lose more physical than mental capabilities while your wife seems to be the opposite.
My aged MIL was slowly losing a battle of attrition with vascular dementia (micro-strokes slowly killing more and more brain cells) before a heart attack finished her off one night.
It was difficult to avoid becoming frustrated with her increasingly stubborn, repetitive, and forgetful behaviors despite knowing they were totally involuntary. The “her” inhabiting her body was not the same “her” it was last year or the year before. And I only had to deal with her a couple of hours per week.
You managing your wife’s situation with calm patience will be hard. Like an infant or a 2yo, she will try you in ways seemingly designed with great malice. But just as the situation with little kids, they’re utterly innocent. Keeping that uppermost in mind is the difficult but necessary first step to enduring compassion IMO. As is, frankly, a certain clinical distance. Your job is not to overcome or counteract all her failings. Merely to make her and your day a decent one. No caregiver is perfect, and each of us finds ourselves occasionally wishing for a way out of the trap, then berating ourselves for that thought.
As a non-theist, I sometimes think the human condition was designed by a raging sadist.
Past 60. I’m high.
I’ve always hoped I’d “grow old gracefully”. And part of that is accepting my slowing down. Physically, and mentally.
It always helps me to have a bad example around. One of my fellow retirees in an Over-70s poker gang starts telling a story and gets SO mad at himself when he can’t come up with a word. To the extent of swearing and banging his fist on the table.
So I’m trying to “gracefully” shrug and respond to a mental glitch with a grin and a game of Password: “Y’know, that medieval guitar that has the bent neck… Sir James of Hendricks would’ve lit one on fire with a flint…”
“A lute?”
“YES, thank you! So this guy was playing a lute…”
This is genius! I’m SOOO doing this!
Thanks for a great tip!
I was shopping for my mother for a few years. When she wanted a certain kind of soap or whatever, I would take a picture of the box on my phone. I have some very strange pictures on my phone. And if I’m fixing something a little complicated (the blue wire on this goes there). It’s picture time.
I now put my shopping list on Alexa on my phone. Works well. I never forget my phone, my car keys or my wallet or pocket knife.
Dates that things happened are my biggest obstacle. Shit, I can’t remember the decade that they happened. Even big trips/vacations. I remember things way in the past though. So medium term memory lose there. I think I’ve always been that way, but I don’t remember 
Reading this thread, I had an important thought regarding the topic. Had.
After mine passed, I never considered getting another. 
Ha. Yeah, I knew that wording was clunky.
No, it was I who woke and smoked.
you should - moms can be fun, just stay clear of the jewish ones!
/s
and +1 on the “celphone pics” of everything, especially tearing down stuff or other IRL info (e.g. a pic of a business card or a Rx, which I am highly likely to misplace, anyway) …
those digital pics saved my bacon more then once!
I have definitely noted my cognitive and physical decline over the past few years. I am (only) in my early 60’s and I am very annoyed to consider that I might be limited going forward. My family history shows that we are very long-lived so I always expected to be around into my 90’s. But I don’t look forward to decades of struggling! Grrr!
Specifically, I first started noticing decline in remembering actors names. I have always been a big film fan and would have a detailed memory of who did what when and worked with who, much like sports fans recall stats and specific games and plays. A few years ago I found that I would think of an actor and see their face clearly in my head, but I just…could…NOT…come up with their name. At first it was a “Huh, that’s interesting.” Then I adopted it as one of my many ever increasing number of super-powers (long bathroom breaks, afternoon naps).
on the other hand … I take (somewhat) comfort in the fact that you need to be mentally quite sharp to recon a mental decline, right? …
Ohh … and typing mistakes … I make a lot more of those than years ago (not identically to spelling mistakes, just mis-typing a “wrod”) … I’m glad I’m not a musician … or that would be progressively more embarrassing …
Turning 69 this year. Ive had a horrid memory since childhood, made it through a BS degree just being clever. Math skills always bad as well, still cant do long division correctly, yay calculators. I have had trouble forever it seems remembering nouns, so use workarounds that seem fine to me!!
Like "grapefields " instead of vineyards, and “pajama shoes” for slippers! My girlfriend has a list on her phone! Im good with faces, absolutley bad with names.
I was an amateur athlete all my life, a surfer, so losing those abilities has been quite obvious. Im kinda ok with it, as its a weird addiction that dominated my entire life. Nice to not be freaking out when the waves are good, or bad either. I still pay attention to all the weather and surf related news I can, and communicate with a network of like minded folk. “It was much better back in our day” haha
What seemed like minor injuries at the time, now arthritis and age have brought them back. I still work outside 7 days a week, and that helps keep up the physical.
The mental part? I come here and read Great Debates, and many of the other forums, here as keeping up with ALL you fine people I believe helps slow the decline. Im not quite ready for all the puzzles and word games everyone plays, gotta be REALLY sharp for that.
Hope everyone has a good weekend.
Jupe
I’ve always had ADHD but it presented a lot more mildly when I was young. I had a superb memory and could easily recall facts to support whatever case I was making. I’m 40 now. My memory is shot. Sometimes I forget the names of people I have known for years. I frequently misquote statistics.
I’m still smart, I just have to work harder at it. My ADHD is considerably worse, and my Aunt, who was recently diagnosed in her 50s, is going through an ADHD nightmare post-menopause so I guess I’ve got that to look forward to.
My grandfather is in his 80s and recently complained he’s not feeling as sharp as he used to. My Grandma and I laugh about it because of course he wouldn’t, he’s an elderly man; but at the same time, it’s going to bother me too, if I live that long. When you’ve gone your whole life depending on your wits to help you navigate, what to you do without them? Who even are you any more?
I’m not quite to that point of existential crisis, but I can see it coming.