# Witty responses to 'How Dare You..' (and other public questions) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 30, 2008, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witty-responses-to-how-dare-you-and-other-public-questions/447530 "2008-04-30T22:45:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![TheLoadedDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/35a633/32.png) [@TheLoadedDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheLoadedDog)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2008, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witty-responses-to-how-dare-you-and-other-public-questions/447530/21 "2008-05-01T15:50:35Z")
I must admit it isn’t mine. I read it in Lyne Truss’ book [Talk to the Hand](http://eatsshootsandleaves.com/talk.html). It’s a great line though - I’d love to get a chance to use it some day. ---
**Author:** ![Plynck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Plynck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Plynck)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2008, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witty-responses-to-how-dare-you-and-other-public-questions/447530/22 "2008-05-01T16:13:47Z")
[QUOTE=Troy McClure SF] I’ll nod to [Al Jaffee](http://www.leedberg.com/mad/satsq/satsq.html). [/QUOTE] My favorite (also from Mad Magazine many years ago): Q: Have an accident? A: No thanks, just had one. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2008, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witty-responses-to-how-dare-you-and-other-public-questions/447530/23 "2008-05-01T16:29:13Z")
> [@](#): > > Being deliberately obtuse by answering well-intentioned questions too literally is not witty. I doubt you want people coming up to you and asking “Excuse me, sir, but that chair next to you, is it the case that someone is using it, but has left intending to return and would be upset if I began to use it, and were still using it upon their return?” What they want to know is “May I sit here?” or “May I take this chair?” - both perfectly legitimate questions. So why ask if an obviously empty chair has someone sitting in it? However, I’ll admit that while my previous response is indeed my favorite one, my social graces will usually kick in and I’ll give a more conventional answer rather than display my wit to a stranger. ---
**Author:** ![Astroboy14](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/df705f/32.png) [@Astroboy14](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Astroboy14)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2008, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witty-responses-to-how-dare-you-and-other-public-questions/447530/24 "2008-05-01T16:50:28Z")
My favorite response to “How dare you?” is: “Just like this!” and then I do it all over again. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2008, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witty-responses-to-how-dare-you-and-other-public-questions/447530/25 "2008-05-01T16:51:27Z")
[QUOTE=Astroboy14] My favorite response to “How dare you?” is: “Just like this!” and then I do it all over again. 😃 [/QUOTE] That’s also a great response to “How can you do/say that?” ---
**Author:** ![Martha\_Medea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/43a26b/32.png) [@Martha\_Medea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martha_Medea)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2008, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witty-responses-to-how-dare-you-and-other-public-questions/447530/26 "2008-05-01T22:23:35Z")
- Excuse me, do you know the way to Lincoln Avenue? - Yes. ---
**Author:** ![Lobsang](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobsang/32/4067_2.png) [@Lobsang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobsang)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2008, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witty-responses-to-how-dare-you-and-other-public-questions/447530/27 "2008-05-01T22:31:19Z")
-Do you mind!? -No, but you seem to. ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2008, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witty-responses-to-how-dare-you-and-other-public-questions/447530/28 "2008-05-01T22:33:15Z")
I keep a little array of candy dishes on my desk which is obviously out for everyone to have. Quite often someone will say “I’m going to steal a piece of candy from you.” To which I always reply, “You can’t steal something I’m giving away.” And I love when our sales people say, “I’m going to be honest with you . . .” To which I ask, “So does that mean that up until this point you’ve been lying??” ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2008, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witty-responses-to-how-dare-you-and-other-public-questions/447530/29 "2008-05-01T23:11:01Z")
Years ago, David Brenner had a joke about being on the bus and sitting on a newspaper because the seat was wet. Someone asked, “Are you reading that?” Brenner said “Yes,” half-rose, turned the page and sat back down. ---
**Author:** ![Khampelf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Khampelf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khampelf)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2008, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witty-responses-to-how-dare-you-and-other-public-questions/447530/30 "2008-05-02T03:09:53Z")
Not very witty, but I relish the times people tell me “You can’t do X” when I’ve just done X in front of them. “But I just did.” Some mehums just do not get the difference between rules and reality. “You can’t smoke in here!” “Then I guess I couldn’t possibly be smoking then, could I?” ---
**Author:** ![MissTake](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misstake/32/3189_2.png) [@MissTake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissTake)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2008, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witty-responses-to-how-dare-you-and-other-public-questions/447530/31 "2008-05-02T05:41:24Z")
“How dare you!” “I dare…because I care” “Only a single dare? why not a double dare? Or a triple dog dare?” TheKid always asks “Where did [that] come from?” The inevitable response “Well, when a mommy [that] and a daddy [that] fall in love…” Doesn’t matter if it’s a dug running across the street or her finding a lost pen. The answer is the same. We spoke of it last night, when I informed her that when a mommy Jeep and a daddy Jeep fall in love… “MOM! STOP! I knew you were going to say that!” Is the problem that I say it, or that you KNOW it’s coming, but you can’t stop your brain in time? “The brain in time part” ---
**Author:** ![Baine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Baine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baine)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2008, 6:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witty-responses-to-how-dare-you-and-other-public-questions/447530/32 "2008-05-02T06:02:14Z")
“Ah, I now see that I have acted in an inappropriate way. I apologize for having offended you.” That one may need some work. ---
**Author:** ![DellieM](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/cdc98d/32.png) [@DellieM](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DellieM)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2008, 9:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witty-responses-to-how-dare-you-and-other-public-questions/447530/33 "2008-05-02T09:24:09Z")
Last week I was the coolest person on the planet. I had an abusive phone call from a guy who wanted to vent and vent he did for about 3 minutes. Finally I broke into his rant to offer advice. He answered with “Get fucked!” and I responded with “I don’t do requests”. Yeah, I was uber cool for about 10 seconds. (I’m sure that this isn’t my line, I must have stolen it from someone, but damn! I was COOL). ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2008, 10:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witty-responses-to-how-dare-you-and-other-public-questions/447530/34 "2008-05-02T10:48:22Z")
“How dare you…” “Who dares wins!” ---
**Author:** ![ArrMatey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/arrmatey/32/3522_2.png) [@ArrMatey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArrMatey)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2008, 1:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witty-responses-to-how-dare-you-and-other-public-questions/447530/35 "2008-05-02T13:13:45Z")
[QUOTE=Justin Credible] Does anyone know a good response to “Is that a threat”? That “no, it’s a promise” response went out with MC Hammer pants. [/QUOTE] Often one doesn’t have time for something grandiose, but it brings to mind _Phule’s Company_, where, in an attempt to establish just how wealthy the protagonist is, a snooty hotel desk-worker calls Phule’s bluff about about buying the hotel. Phule then goes off on a long description in which he esentially says, ‘No, that part is fact. If I wanted to threaten you, I’d tell you that I’d buy this hotel, have you fired, buy up every business you attempted to gain employment with, and buy every seat on every outgoing ship off this planet for the next three years.’ I guess what I’m getting at is, ramp up the threat to something trully horrific. Then say, “Y’see, -that- is a threat.” ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2008, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witty-responses-to-how-dare-you-and-other-public-questions/447530/36 "2008-05-02T13:17:29Z")
When people in the office ask “Do you have a bathroom?” I sometimes reply: “No, I hold it in for eight hours.” ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2008, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witty-responses-to-how-dare-you-and-other-public-questions/447530/37 "2008-05-02T13:27:00Z")
In the pub, if floor staff come to my table and ask “Are these glasses dead?”, I often reply: “Well, they were coughing up blood an hour ago…” It never, ever goes down well, but I persist in saying it. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2008, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witty-responses-to-how-dare-you-and-other-public-questions/447530/38 "2008-05-03T13:56:57Z")
[QUOTE=Justin Credible] Does anyone know a good response to “Is that a threat”? That “no, it’s a promise” response went out with MC Hammer pants. [/QUOTE] Those are out now? I wish somebody would put me on the distribution list for those damn memos. Now I’ve gotta go home at lunch and change. Parachute pants are still cool, right? ---
**Author:** ![Lust4Life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ecc23a/32.png) [@Lust4Life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lust4Life)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2008, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witty-responses-to-how-dare-you-and-other-public-questions/447530/39 "2008-05-04T00:44:11Z")
Not one of mine,but when an EX GFs brother asked someone a question the bloke asked turned round and said “You’re F\*\*\*ing nosy aren’t you?” He replied quietly"Yes I am ,thats how I learn about things" Which sounded really cool at the time. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/witty-responses-to-how-dare-you-and-other-public-questions/447530.md?page=1)