# Woman claims alimony from husband's parents... **URL:** \ **Category:** Great Debates\ **Created:** [July 18, 2005, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-claims-alimony-from-husbands-parents/313034 "2005-07-18T20:39:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![zev\_steinhardt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/97f17d/32.png) [@zev\_steinhardt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zev_steinhardt)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2005, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-claims-alimony-from-husbands-parents/313034/1 "2005-07-18T20:39:57Z")
New Jersey Law Blog brings an [interesting case](http://www.njlawblog.com/divorce-302-parents-asked-to-pay-alimony-to-sons-wife.html) of a woman who is leaving her husband. He lost his job and suffers from a debilitating medical condition. He currently receives about $3600 a month from Social Security and other sources. For the last two years, however, the husband’s parents have been helping them out, giving them $20,000 a month. Now that she is leaving her husband, she claims that by providing for their needs for the last two years, the parents have, in effect, taken their son’s place and assumed responsibility of providing not only for their grandchildren, but for her as well. She was offered $8,000 a month by her husband (which, presumably, the parents would kick in most of if not all). She has refused that and is seeking an amount similar to the amount that was provided for the last two years. The writer of the blog entry questions how far this would go - to what extent does the generosity of other parties become obligitory. For example, if they allowed the couple use of a summer cottage, would she be able to claim that as well upon divorce? Zev Steinhardt ---
**Author:** ![magellan01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@magellan01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magellan01)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2005, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-claims-alimony-from-husbands-parents/313034/2 "2005-07-18T20:46:46Z")
Kick her out. Change the locks. Buy a pit bull. I’m usually very sympathetic to a woman getting divorced, but given her greed–AND BRAZEN STUPIDITY (which before no I didn’t know could be _brazen_)–I hope she winds up living in a Neiman’s box under a bridge. ---
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2005, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-claims-alimony-from-husbands-parents/313034/3 "2005-07-18T20:50:00Z")
Well, this has convinced me to nip something in the bud. My son is getting married soon, and I was going to spring for the rehearsal dinner. But I see how that could set a really bad precedent. ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2005, 12:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-claims-alimony-from-husbands-parents/313034/4 "2005-07-20T12:25:16Z")
The linked article isn’t clear about what part of the offered $8000/month, or larger sum sought by the divorcing wife, would be alimony as opposed to child support. Would it make a difference, legally or ethically, if the grandparents were being billed directly only for child support rather than alimony? (The disabled, unemployed father gets over $3500/month, or more than $42,000 per year, from Social Security disability and inheritance income? The settlement he offered his wife (presumably with his parents’ assistance) was $8000/month or $72,000/year? His parents have been **giving** them $20,000/month or **$240,000/year** for the past two years? Geez, I’m afraid I can’t really feel sorry for the financial tribulations of **any** of these fatcats. I sympathize with the husband for his debilitating medical condition, though, 'cuz that’s gotta suck no matter how rich you are.) ---
**Author:** ![Paul\_in\_Qatar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ccd318/32.png) [@Paul\_in\_Qatar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Paul_in_Qatar)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2005, 12:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-claims-alimony-from-husbands-parents/313034/5 "2005-07-20T12:43:01Z")
If only more governments were controlled by loving vegetarian women rather than hateful, aggressive carnivore men … 😛 ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2005, 12:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-claims-alimony-from-husbands-parents/313034/6 "2005-07-20T12:53:44Z")
$20,000 a month? WTH? That’s some hard living, by God–however does she manage? Kick her out and close the accounts. Cut her off. Save that money for the ex-husband who may need it for medical expenses later. This message brought to you by a bleeding heart feminist liberal. ---
**Author:** ![Gfactor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9de053/32.png) [@Gfactor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gfactor)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2005, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-claims-alimony-from-husbands-parents/313034/7 "2005-07-20T16:39:57Z")
> [@zev\_steinhardt](#): > > She was offered $8,000 a month by her husband (which, presumably, the parents would kick in most of if not all). She has refused that and is seeking an amount similar to the amount that was provided for the last two years. $8,000 is pretty close to half of the amount that was paid before. So she wants to take the whole nut for herself? Here’s an idea. If she wants to be supported in the fashion to which she has become accustomed, why doesn’t she stay? I mean there might be good reasons for her leaving (the article doesn’t mention that). > [@kimtsu](#): > > The linked article isn’t clear about what part of the offered $8000/month, or larger sum sought by the divorcing wife, would be alimony as opposed to child support. Would it make a difference, legally or ethically, if the grandparents were being billed directly only for child support rather than alimony? In the ongoing child support thread, the concensus seems to be that only the birth parents should be responsible for child support. Why should that change just because the source of support is wealthy? I suppose that if the granparents were granted equitable parent status, they’d be on the hook for child support. [http://www.lectlaw.com/files/fam19.htm](http://www.lectlaw.com/files/fam19.htm) OTOH, in that case, they could also seek custody. Equitable parent doctrine is a sword with two edges. ---
**Author:** ![Gfactor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9de053/32.png) [@Gfactor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gfactor)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2005, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-claims-alimony-from-husbands-parents/313034/8 "2005-07-20T16:55:39Z")
[Article giving more facts and stuff](http://www.law.com/servlet/ContentServer?pagename=OpenMarket/Xcelerate/Preview&c=LawArticle&cid=1117011908597) > [@](#): > > Douglas and Cynthia Idleman were married in 1988. They have two boys, Devon, 13, and Ryan, 10, the younger one autistic. Douglas, now 43, retired early from AT&T seven years ago. They bought their Denville home with most of his $350,000 retirement package. He then became a self-employed public relations and marketing consultant. Cynthia, now 40, had been a stay-at-home mother for most of their marriage. > > In 2002, Douglas was diagnosed with end-stage liver disease and was repeatedly hospitalized. The next year, he underwent liver transplants followed by months of hospitalizations and rehabilitation. When he finally was discharged, his wife asked that he go to the Madison, N.J., home of his parents, Lee and Sue Ann, because she said she would be unable to care for him, in addition to caring for their autistic son. The parents began paying $20,000 a month to meet the family’s mortgage, private school tuition and other expenses. > > In a brief in support of the motion, Barbarito and her co-counsel Thomas Snyder say Douglas’ parents set a standard of living that they are bound to uphold. “Lee and Sue Ann Idleman created a financial dependency on the part of Cynthia Idleman and the minor children … [who] relied on that support,” they write. ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2005, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-claims-alimony-from-husbands-parents/313034/9 "2005-07-20T17:02:12Z")
So, she’s going to walk away from this arrangement, yet she still wants to be paid just the same? If this goes through, I’m going to have to have some words with my boss… ---
**Author:** ![fubbleskag](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c2a13f/32.png) [@fubbleskag](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fubbleskag)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2005, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-claims-alimony-from-husbands-parents/313034/10 "2005-07-20T18:12:00Z")
i think she deserves whatever the court decides is adequate to maintain the lifestyle the children have become accustomed to, to a certain extent (ie. private school, care for the autistic child, etc etc). WAG: would that be about $8k/month? ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2005, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-claims-alimony-from-husbands-parents/313034/11 "2005-07-20T18:18:03Z")
Is this child so severly autistic that he can provide no care for himself? What kind of services does he require? (it can get very expensive). But 20 grand a month? Something smells fishy here. Is she unable to work because of…? 20 grand will buy some decent respite care and also let her get a PT job. Heck, I’ll guess that $8000 would do that, as well. If said child is totally diabled, does he not qualify for social security (disability)? ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2005, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-claims-alimony-from-husbands-parents/313034/12 "2005-07-20T19:29:09Z")
[hjiack] Nobody else thinks it’s shocking that he retired at age 36??? Anyway, why can’t she work? And are parents responsible for their children’s debts in any other way after the children are legally adults? ---
**Author:** ![Gfactor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9de053/32.png) [@Gfactor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gfactor)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2005, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-claims-alimony-from-husbands-parents/313034/13 "2005-07-20T19:52:30Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > [hjiack] Nobody else thinks it’s shocking that he retired at age 36??? Well, he “retired” in the sense that he quit. Then he started doing consulting. His retirement package was probably part of a Reduction in Force effort from his employer (guessing here). > [@](#): > > Anyway, why can’t she work? She probably can, but the legal standard treats that as only one factor among many: > [@](#): > > b.In all actions brought for divorce, divorce from bed and board, or nullity the court may award one or more of the following types of alimony:permanent alimony; rehabilitative alimony; limited duration alimony or reimbursement alimony to either party. In so doing the court shall consider, but not be limited to, the following factors: > > (1) The actual need and ability of the parties to pay; > > (2) The duration of the marriage; > > (3) The age, physical and emotional health of the parties; > > (4) The standard of living established in the marriage and the likelihood that each party can maintain a reasonably comparable standard of living; > > (5) The earning capacities, educational levels, vocational skills, and employability of the parties; > > (6) The length of absence from the job market of the party seeking maintenance; > > (7) The parental responsibilities for the children; > > (8) The time and expense necessary to acquire sufficient education or training to enable the party seeking maintenance to find appropriate employment, the availability of the training and employment, and the opportunity for future acquisitions of capital assets and income; > > (9) The history of the financial or non-financial contributions to the marriage by each party including contributions to the care and education of the children and interruption of personal careers or educational opportunities; > > (10) The equitable distribution of property ordered and any payouts on equitable distribution, directly or indirectly, out of current income, to the extent this consideration is reasonable, just and fair; > > (11) The income available to either party through investment of any assets held by that party; > > (12)The tax treatment and consequences to both parties of any alimony award, including the designation of all or a portion of the payment as a non-taxable payment; and > > (13)Any other factors which the court may deem relevant. > [@](#): > > And are parents responsible for their children’s debts in any other way after the children are legally adults? Heck, the general rule is that they aren’t liable for their children’s debts even before they are adults. ---
**Author:** ![Gfactor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9de053/32.png) [@Gfactor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gfactor)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2005, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-claims-alimony-from-husbands-parents/313034/14 "2005-07-20T20:00:51Z")
[Link to statute from my previous post](http://lis.njleg.state.nj.us/cgi-bin/om_isapi.dll?clientID=24692339&infobase=statutes.nfo&record=%7B7DA%7D&softpage=Document42) ---
**Author:** ![smiling\_bandit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@smiling\_bandit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smiling_bandit)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2005, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-claims-alimony-from-husbands-parents/313034/15 "2005-07-20T20:06:41Z")
> [@](#): > > He currently receives about $3600 a month from Social Security and other sources. Whoa. That’s not chump change. > [@](#): > > the husband’s parents have been helping them out, giving them $20,000 a month. :eek: I want parents that rich! ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2005, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-claims-alimony-from-husbands-parents/313034/16 "2005-07-20T20:12:29Z")
Gfactor, or anyone else, stupid question: do men ever get alimony? ---
**Author:** ![Gfactor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9de053/32.png) [@Gfactor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gfactor)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2005, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-claims-alimony-from-husbands-parents/313034/17 "2005-07-20T20:19:30Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Gfactor, or anyone else, stupid question: do men ever get alimony? Yep. ---
**Author:** ![Gfactor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9de053/32.png) [@Gfactor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gfactor)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2005, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-claims-alimony-from-husbands-parents/313034/18 "2005-07-20T20:30:59Z")
> [@](#): > > However during the 1970’s and 1980’s judges began to award alimony to the husband depending upon the circumstances. Alimony is awarded to either spouse in an effort to maintain the standard of living that both parties were accustomed to during the marriage. [http://www.divorcehq.com/alimony.html](http://www.divorcehq.com/alimony.html) ---
**Author:** ![Gfactor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9de053/32.png) [@Gfactor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gfactor)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2005, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-claims-alimony-from-husbands-parents/313034/19 "2005-07-20T20:35:16Z")
[A recent case where a court ordered the wife to pay alimony](http://www.cnn.com/2005/LAW/05/05/grossman.adultery.alimony/) ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2005, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-claims-alimony-from-husbands-parents/313034/20 "2005-07-20T20:39:52Z")
Why, thank you Gfactor! I had wondered. Another thing you said: Parents are not responsible for their children’s debts? Really? School loans, credit cards - nothing? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-claims-alimony-from-husbands-parents/313034.md?page=2)