# Woman nearly cheats on her husband, stopping herself just in time. Should she fess up? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 10, 2013, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-nearly-cheats-on-her-husband-stopping-herself-just-in-time-should-she-fess-up/670878 "2013-10-10T15:40:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Renee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/renee/32/287_2.png) [@Renee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Renee)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-nearly-cheats-on-her-husband-stopping-herself-just-in-time-should-she-fess-up/670878/21 "2013-10-10T19:11:35Z")
Because she doesn’t control the information any more. It’s more likely to get back to her husband and hurt him. If you have a secret, don’t go around TELLING people, FFS. That’s why. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-nearly-cheats-on-her-husband-stopping-herself-just-in-time-should-she-fess-up/670878/22 "2013-10-10T19:15:52Z")
> [@Renee](#): > > Because she doesn’t control the information any more. It’s more likely to get back to her husband and hurt him. If you have a secret, don’t go around TELLING people, FFS. That’s why. Ah. I thought you were saying that it was unethical, not unwise. I still can’t quite agree. Marsha & LuAnn are best friends; presumably LuAnn knows whether she can trust her to keep her lips zipped. Of course, on Thursday morning, Ted probably thought he could trust LuAnn to keep her _jeans_ zipped. ---
**Author:** ![Bear\_Nenno](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bear_nenno/32/3358_2.png) [@Bear\_Nenno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bear_Nenno)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-nearly-cheats-on-her-husband-stopping-herself-just-in-time-should-she-fess-up/670878/23 "2013-10-10T19:28:44Z")
A pretty normal day in the life of Bear. My usual advice is to not inform the husband. ---
**Author:** ![jayrey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/47e85d/32.png) [@jayrey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayrey)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-nearly-cheats-on-her-husband-stopping-herself-just-in-time-should-she-fess-up/670878/24 "2013-10-10T19:37:02Z")
IMO, LuAnn came very, very close to committing adultery but did not actually do so. More importantly, she also came very, very close to potentially screwing up the lives of other people – Bear, Ted, and the little girl from the shelter that she’s hoping to adopt. This is what she needs to think about, that her lack of self-control can damage other people’s lives. She should not tell Ted about the incident because it will only hurt him. She can continue working at the shelter but only after she has 1) talked to a counselor about what happened, where it came from in her and how to never let it happen again, and 2) told Bear that the incident will never, ever be repeated. ---
**Author:** ![dracoi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/90db22/32.png) [@dracoi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dracoi)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-nearly-cheats-on-her-husband-stopping-herself-just-in-time-should-she-fess-up/670878/25 "2013-10-10T19:56:05Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > True, by definition. But despite phrasing the thread title as I did (those things can only be so long, after all), on further reflection I say MrDibble is spot on: the makeout session and stripping is cheating. I’m not saying it’s not forgivable cheating–just that it is, in fact, cheating, and adultery in all the important ways. I like Silenus’s take on this. I’m not going to say that making out and stripping is automatically OK. It’s just that my reading of the situation is that she was probably more motivated by an emotionally intense situation and got herself under control in the nick of time. I might be reading in the wrong implications - if there was intent to commit adultery and she just changed her mind at the last minute, then I’d probably have to call that adultery. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-nearly-cheats-on-her-husband-stopping-herself-just-in-time-should-she-fess-up/670878/26 "2013-10-10T20:08:48Z")
> [@dracoi](#): > > I like Silenus’s take on this. I’m not going to say that making out and stripping is automatically OK. It’s just that my reading of the situation is that she was probably more motivated by an emotionally intense situation and got herself under control in the nick of time. > > I might be reading in the wrong implications - if there was intent to commit adultery and she just changed her mind at the last minute, then I’d probably have to call that adultery. In Dubus’ story that is certainly the cast–that is, LuAnn and Bear/Roger are moved to act as they do because of the intense circumstance they’ve just gone through, and ordinarily have better self-control. LuAnn appears in two other stories and clearly is overall a better person than she appears in this one, and she judges Bear/Roger to be a good person who had a momentary lapse, the same as she. But I still think it was adultery. She herself says that, if she’d been wearing a skirt rather than jeans, and thus could have been ready for fucking for quickly, she would probably have done it; it was only the pause necessitated by the jeans that saved her. ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-nearly-cheats-on-her-husband-stopping-herself-just-in-time-should-she-fess-up/670878/27 "2013-10-10T21:34:08Z")
I didn’t read the OP. So sue me. But I have strong opinions on this. A person who \*almost \*strays needs to suck it up and live with their guilt. NOTHING would be served by confessing… not a damn thing. There was an episode of M_A_S\*H about this. BJ had an emotional dalliance, but nothing happened. He wanted to write his wife back home and confess and Hawkeye wisely talked him out of it. ---
**Author:** ![Blaster\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cab0a1/32.png) [@Blaster\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blaster_Master)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-nearly-cheats-on-her-husband-stopping-herself-just-in-time-should-she-fess-up/670878/28 "2013-10-10T22:03:25Z")
I don’t think she’s guilty of adultery, per se, but that doesn’t make it okay and she certainly is guilty of violation of her husband’s trust. How bad that violation is really depends on the nature of the relationship, and that will also determine what she should or should not tell him. To a certain extent, I do think that, as far as cheating goes, that’s probably one of the lesser types, since it came out of an unavoidable emotional high and she did stop before any sex occured. Also, the idea that being attracted to someone of the opposite sex is reason enough not to be around them is just a sign of poor self-control. However, now that something has been instigated, even if they can control themselves, it’ll probably be at least awkward between the two of them and, if only for that reason, it may be a good idea for her to leave that shelter. As for the husband, that you specifically mentioned that they’d had sex 3 times in 40 hours, I’d imagine that’s probably well out of the ordinary. And, also that an emotionally high incident having nothing to do with sex ended up getting expressed as sex is probably a sign that there’s some sexual frustration and perhaps other underlying issues in their marriage. So, chances are, the husband realizes something is up, though he may or may not be aware that it’s a bad thing; hell, getting sex more than usual, he probably sees as a good thing. At the very least, she needs to identify what the underlying issues are and work on them. She probably needs to talk to him about them and maybe seek counseling which very well may include her needing to tell him what happened. ---
**Author:** ![MoodIndigo1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e8c25b/32.png) [@MoodIndigo1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MoodIndigo1)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-nearly-cheats-on-her-husband-stopping-herself-just-in-time-should-she-fess-up/670878/29 "2013-10-10T22:06:17Z")
I forgot dessert. ☹ LuAnn should keep her guilty conscience to herself, and leave her husband with his illusions. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-nearly-cheats-on-her-husband-stopping-herself-just-in-time-should-she-fess-up/670878/30 "2013-10-10T22:10:34Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > In the same situation or thereabouts I would go to my husband and say that I found myself attracted to someone else, that I am worried about the impact on our relationship, that I have distanced myself from the situation to avoid further entanglements (in other words, that I quit the shelter), and that I want to go to counseling because I feel that the incident is a huge red flag. > > ETA: And yes, I would consider it cheating. Whether I told my husband about everything that happened would depend on how much he wanted to know. If he said, “I need details” I would give details. This is my answer, too. ---
**Author:** ![Otara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/a88e4f/32.png) [@Otara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otara)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2013, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-nearly-cheats-on-her-husband-stopping-herself-just-in-time-should-she-fess-up/670878/31 "2013-10-10T22:43:41Z")
“Forgetting Sarah Marshall?” beng the next step - it was only 10 seconds of oral sex. This is something she really allowed to happen over time rather than a one-off. She is also considering adopting a person into her family who has some pretty serious issues, and it doesnt come across as a family interest but as something for her personal needs. Bear if he has any training and experience at all also comes across as a major asshole taking advantage of staff in a highly emotional situation. But this is fiction so ethical expectations tend to get glossed over. Id be wondering if maybe individual counselling might be the first step rather than couples counselling or telling anyone else. Guilt alone doesnt seem to be likely to fix up the kinds of things she’s talking herself into. Otara ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2013, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-nearly-cheats-on-her-husband-stopping-herself-just-in-time-should-she-fess-up/670878/32 "2013-10-11T01:56:16Z")
Kissing _is_ cheating. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2013, 9:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-nearly-cheats-on-her-husband-stopping-herself-just-in-time-should-she-fess-up/670878/33 "2013-10-11T09:04:45Z")
Whether she should tell depends on the relationship, basically. Whether she can continue working there depends on whether she can prevent it from happening again. I wouldn’t call a kiss adultery per se, but making out and stripping? Yip. The main reason I would think she might need to tell her husband is that she may need there to be consequences to keep her from doing it again. I also am not of the camp that anyone needs to hold on to guilt–that ultimately will just drive them apart. Holding on to guilt is one of the worse things you can do. The reason guilt exists is to push you into getting rid of it. Plus, merely telling won’t get rid of any guilt, anyway–she’d have to make up for it. But, again, she knows her husband and her situation better than I do. Though, if something like that happens again, then whatever she’s doing isn’t working, and she definitely needs to tell. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2013, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-nearly-cheats-on-her-husband-stopping-herself-just-in-time-should-she-fess-up/670878/34 "2013-10-11T13:11:41Z")
> [@Otara](#): > > “Forgetting Sarah Marshall?” beng the next step - it was only 10 seconds of oral sex. 😕 ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2013, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-nearly-cheats-on-her-husband-stopping-herself-just-in-time-should-she-fess-up/670878/35 "2013-10-11T18:42:48Z")
Listen, we’re all sexual beings. She made a mistake, she stopped before it progressed too far, and she’s remorseful. I’d say she should keep it to herself, and seek counseling if she cannot contain her crush or forgive herself. She should only continue to work at the shelter if she feels like she is in complete control of her emotions and actions. ---
**Author:** ![TBG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c89c15/32.png) [@TBG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TBG)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2013, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-nearly-cheats-on-her-husband-stopping-herself-just-in-time-should-she-fess-up/670878/36 "2013-10-11T23:31:54Z")
I voted guilty of adultery, though I’d rather word that guilty of cheating. And yes, she cheated. How is “tongues entangled” not cheating? Making out with dude that is not her husband? Hell yeah that’s cheating, don’t matter that the penis/vag never got involved. ---
**Author:** ![Arrendajo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Arrendajo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arrendajo)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2013, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-nearly-cheats-on-her-husband-stopping-herself-just-in-time-should-she-fess-up/670878/37 "2013-10-11T23:46:27Z")
She should shut her yap and deal with it herself. Don’t tell Martha, don’t tell nobody. That is what is known as a “secret,” and they can sometimes be difficult to come to terms with. Doing so is a character-building experience. ---
**Author:** ![robert\_columbia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e79b87/32.png) [@robert\_columbia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robert_columbia)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2013, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-nearly-cheats-on-her-husband-stopping-herself-just-in-time-should-she-fess-up/670878/38 "2013-10-12T02:20:42Z")
Is she a Christian believer? Matthew 5:28 seems to indicate that bare lust, even without touching anything, is adultery. Similar to how the Bible seems to teach that anger=murder and greed=theft. ---
**Author:** ![kambria](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/eb9ed0/32.png) [@kambria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambria)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2013, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-nearly-cheats-on-her-husband-stopping-herself-just-in-time-should-she-fess-up/670878/39 "2013-10-12T18:53:26Z")
Adultery: Voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and a partner other than the lawful spouse. (American Heritage) It wasn’t adultery. It was cheating, however. Quitting the shelter seems, to me, to be the right thing to do if she feels like this might happen again. Otherwise, “several of the girls are very attached to her,” and quitting does more harm to them than good to LuAnn. I’m a bit more conflicted on the question of fessing up; I’m a terrible liar, and I can see it spilling out due to the overwhelming guilt I’d have…or the inevitable questions from the husband if she were to quit the shelter. If that’s the case, and she quits, I’d definitely recommend marriage counseling. ---
**Author:** ![Infovore](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/infovore/32/420_2.png) [@Infovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Infovore)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2013, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-nearly-cheats-on-her-husband-stopping-herself-just-in-time-should-she-fess-up/670878/40 "2013-10-12T19:14:37Z")
It was cheating, not adultery. She should keep her mouth shut, because there’s nothing to be gained from telling her husband. She should, however, quit working at that shelter if she can’t keep her eyes and her thoughts off Bear, because the first time she and Ted have a falling-out, she’s gonna end up back with him if she still has feelings for him. Oh, and I’ll take the fudge brownie. Mmmm, fudge brownies. 🙂 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-nearly-cheats-on-her-husband-stopping-herself-just-in-time-should-she-fess-up/670878.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woman-nearly-cheats-on-her-husband-stopping-herself-just-in-time-should-she-fess-up/670878.md?page=3)