# Women and initiating sex in a relationship **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 21, 2014, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-initiating-sex-in-a-relationship/688928 "2014-05-21T14:54:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Inna\_Minnit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Inna\_Minnit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inna_Minnit)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2014, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-initiating-sex-in-a-relationship/688928/21 "2014-05-22T04:55:22Z")
Just to be clear. My post that is referenced here was that I would never initiate **first** sexual contact. I have no qualms about initiating once the sexual nature of the relationship is established. I am not coy or subtle. “Let’s cuddle?” Puh-leeze. “Baby, let’s fuck.” Or unwrapping his package. How long into the relationship, if he doesn’t initiate, do I make the assumption he isn’t interested? I don’t have a number. It’s more about the vibe. If I never feel the spark with him, and he is being very hands off, I will probably mentally file him as friend, never gonna happen. Is this the friend zone? Maybe. Once he is in the mental file, that’s where he tends to stay. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Pig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@Little\_Pig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Pig)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2014, 6:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-initiating-sex-in-a-relationship/688928/22 "2014-05-22T06:29:23Z")
Inna Minnit I always waited until it “felt” mutual. Vague, I know. But I can’t put a time stamp on all of my activities in life. I’m sure there were encounters I missed because of this. Well, that’s just me. No regrets. Probably doesn’t help your query. Sorry. ---
**Author:** ![scootergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e99b99/32.png) [@scootergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scootergirl)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2014, 7:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-initiating-sex-in-a-relationship/688928/23 "2014-05-22T07:39:16Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > Rather than risk derailing [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=723724), I thought I’d bring my question to the general populace. In a post of the referenced thread, **Inna Minnit** states:My first thought was that a guy not initiating sexual contact certainly doesn’t mean he isn’t thinking of the other person sexually. I also thought that initiating sexual contact isn’t equivalent to “begging” for it, but I recognize that as a male, I’m not subject to the same stigma that women face when it comes to sex. > > So for the women, a couple of questions (and please feel free to add related commentary as you see fit): > > 1. How comfortable are/were you with initiating sex for the first time in a relationship? Why? How conscious are you of how it would reflect on you to do so? > > 2. Is there a period of time in a dating scenario where you would assume a man was not interested in you sexually if he did not initiate? > > This thread is not intended to be limited to heterosexual women, however. All opinions and insight are welcome. Very comfortable. Most often initiation was usually mutual, but I remember being as young as 14 years old and initiating making out plenty of times. I’ve been sexually active for 35 years, I’m 50 now. I have certainly initiated sex for the first time without hesitation. I’ve never felt “easy” for doing so, or that I was “begging” for it. Why was I comfortable doing so? Because it felt right at the time, because I was attracted to the person physically and in other ways. And because I am a highly sexual woman who doesn’t believe in playing games. Carpe diem. In answer to your 2nd question. I haven’t experienced that, but I also have not been in the dating world for some time. I am currently in a monogamous long term (about 4 years) relationship. Before that - almost 16 years married to my second husband. Going back further - 9 years with (7 married) to my first. Prior to this I had short and long term boyfriends, and some one night stands. Come to think of it, the only man who stopped being interested, and initiating sex with me was my second husband. This was just one of **many** reasons why our marriage slowly died. ---
**Author:** ![PookahMacPhellimey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pookahmacphellimey/32/3175_2.png) [@PookahMacPhellimey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PookahMacPhellimey)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2014, 8:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-initiating-sex-in-a-relationship/688928/24 "2014-05-22T08:31:11Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > What I don’t get is the whole “Nice girls don’t do that, tee hee” thing. Hangups are what they are, but playing games seems pointless to me. This, really. I will initiate, even on a first date. I think I am right to do so. But I can’t help worrying sometimes how it will be perceived. I know it’s a hang-up, but it’s there. I’m working on it. _waits for “hey, how are you doin’?” comment._ ---
**Author:** ![DrCube](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a3d4f5/32.png) [@DrCube](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrCube)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2014, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-initiating-sex-in-a-relationship/688928/25 "2014-05-22T15:42:48Z")
I used to have no problem with this, and sex was usually initiated by me, but not exclusively (75/25, roughly). But after a bout of her declining more than usual, me feeling more self-conscious and anxious, and with heightened attention to all this “rape culture, consent culture” stuff going around, I’ve been crippled. I figure if she wanted to have sex, she’d be on my dick already, and since she isn’t, that means I have to talk her into it, which means she didn’t really want it to begin with, so I’m basically a rapist. It’s nobody in particular’s fault (especially not my spouse’s), but a cultural shift that makes me feel rapey if she isn’t begging for it. I still have sex, though not as much as I used to, but I don’t know how to overcome this weird new anxiety. I’m guessing this is the new normal. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2014, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-initiating-sex-in-a-relationship/688928/26 "2014-05-22T15:59:41Z")
> [@PurpleClogs](#): > > The other was my first husband. We were on our 2nd or 3rd date and in his truck making out. I made it obvious I was willing. He said no, let’s wait. I begged and he said he felt this could become really serious and he wanted it to be special. So we waited until the week before our wedding and just couldn’t take it anymore. > > Sorry, over share probably. So when did he come out to you? ---
**Author:** ![PurpleClogs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f04885/32.png) [@PurpleClogs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PurpleClogs)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2014, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-initiating-sex-in-a-relationship/688928/27 "2014-05-22T18:03:11Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > So when did he come out to you? No one ever has. ? ---
**Author:** ![BlackKnight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eb8c5e/32.png) [@BlackKnight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlackKnight)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2014, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-initiating-sex-in-a-relationship/688928/28 "2014-05-22T18:05:16Z")
> [@dracoi](#): > > I grew up much the same way. I was taught that not only did “No mean No,” but everything else did too. Yup. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2014, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-initiating-sex-in-a-relationship/688928/29 "2014-05-22T18:52:52Z")
If she hadn’t initiated at first we probably wouldn’t have gotten married. So I guess I’m against it. ---
**Author:** ![OurLordPeace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/e8c25b/32.png) [@OurLordPeace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OurLordPeace)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2014, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-initiating-sex-in-a-relationship/688928/30 "2014-05-22T19:20:28Z")
> [@dracoi](#): > > I grew up much the same way. I was taught that not only did “No mean No,” but everything else did too. > [@BlackKnight](#): > > Yup. Just out of curiosity, where were you taught this? I certainly didn’t learn it at home, because this sort of thing never came up. I didn’t seem to be spending much time around girls in “that way.” I absorbed it from other sources: PC punk rock, activist writings, other bits of journalism and whatnot, the occasional statements by peers/teachers/etc. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2014, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-initiating-sex-in-a-relationship/688928/31 "2014-05-22T19:46:26Z")
> [@Loach](#): > > If she hadn’t initiated at first we probably wouldn’t have gotten married. > > So I guess I’m against it. Does Mrs. Loach read the SDMB? :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2014, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-initiating-sex-in-a-relationship/688928/32 "2014-05-22T19:54:15Z")
> [@carnivorousplant](#): > > Does Mrs. Loach read the SDMB? :dubious: I’m pretty sure he means the ex-Mrs. Loach. ---
**Author:** ![dracoi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/90db22/32.png) [@dracoi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dracoi)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2014, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-initiating-sex-in-a-relationship/688928/33 "2014-05-22T19:54:39Z")
> [@OurLordPeace](#): > > Just out of curiosity, where were you taught this? I certainly didn’t learn it at home, because this sort of thing never came up. I didn’t seem to be spending much time around girls in “that way.” I absorbed it from other sources: PC punk rock, activist writings, other bits of journalism and whatnot, the occasional statements by peers/teachers/etc. It was part of standard sex ed for me (6th grade and again in 10th), but mostly I picked it up out of mainstream culture. The elements that have stuck with me the most strongly are mostly legal in nature - stories about real rape cases, analysis of the laws and how they’ve changed, that kind of thing. I did get some of it repeated by my parents, but they tended to tell me things way after I’d already figured it out on my own. (Perfect example: I went and found my father’s old electric razor when I was 13 or so. No father-son bonding over learning how to shave in my house.) ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2014, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-initiating-sex-in-a-relationship/688928/34 "2014-05-22T19:56:11Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > I’m pretty sure he means the ex-Mrs. Loach. Ah, well, NM. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Inna\_Minnit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Inna\_Minnit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inna_Minnit)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2014, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-initiating-sex-in-a-relationship/688928/35 "2014-05-22T19:56:05Z")
> [@DrCube](#): > > I used to have no problem with this, and sex was usually initiated by me, but not exclusively (75/25, roughly). > > But after a bout of her declining more than usual, me feeling more self-conscious and anxious, and with heightened attention to all this “rape culture, consent culture” stuff going around, I’ve been crippled. I figure if she wanted to have sex, she’d be on my dick already, and since she isn’t, that means I have to talk her into it, which means she didn’t really want it to begin with, so I’m basically a rapist. > > It’s nobody in particular’s fault (especially not my spouse’s), but a cultural shift that makes me feel rapey if she isn’t begging for it. > > I still have sex, though not as much as I used to, but I don’t know how to overcome this weird new anxiety. I’m guessing this is the new normal. Have you, ya know, _talked_ to her about this? ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2014, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-initiating-sex-in-a-relationship/688928/36 "2014-05-22T20:08:42Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > I’m pretty sure he means the ex-Mrs. Loach. bingo ---
**Author:** ![Cub\_Mistress](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea666f/32.png) [@Cub\_Mistress](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cub_Mistress)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2014, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-initiating-sex-in-a-relationship/688928/37 "2014-05-23T01:25:06Z")
I wasn’t reluctant to initiate sex from my teens, my first boyfriend and I broke up because I wanted sex and he didn’t. (Yes, he did come out a few months later, but I digress…) During my marriage, I was the initiator at least 75% of the time. Now that I am divorced, it’s more like 100%. ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2014, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-initiating-sex-in-a-relationship/688928/38 "2014-05-23T01:37:26Z")
> [@PookahMacPhellimey](#): > > This, really. I will initiate, even on a first date. I think I am right to do so. But I can’t help worrying sometimes how it will be perceived. I know it’s a hang-up, but it’s there. I’m working on it. > > _waits for “hey, how are you doin’?” comment._ wait, is that one of those subtle hints? If so… (ahem): Gentlemen! How can you leave a lady waiting this long? Well, how _you_ doin’? :D:D:D But seriously, now, on BOTH sides of \*\*\*any \*\*\*pairing (het or gay) there should be nothing wrong with making the first move, be it to begin with at all, or on a particular day once the couple is underway; and no guilt either about making that first move. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-initiating-sex-in-a-relationship/688928.md?page=1)