# Women (and men) who have affairs. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [January 30, 2013, 4:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779 "2013-01-30T04:37:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 11
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2013, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779/201 "2013-06-23T23:36:07Z")
> [@curlcoat](#): > > Interested as in it somehow affects society, or interested as in gossip columns? Both. As far as society’s interest goes, have a look at the history of divorce in different nations. For example, where I am, the lawyer(s) processing a divorce are obliged by the government to advise the parties of where they can go to get help to reconcile. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2013, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779/202 "2013-06-24T00:26:25Z")
> [@panaccione](#): > > Also, divorcing your spouse gives you the opportunity to ask for permission to break that promise. Thats why I think people say its the better option. > > Cheating, by definition, does not give the same opportunity. You aren’t asking for permission. You’re telling them that you are going to. I mean, who goes to their spouse and says “I want to end this marriage: I don’t love you any more. I don’t think of you as my family. I’d really like to sleep with other people. But I made a promise, so it’s up to you. If you don’t want a divorce, I will continue to endure this dreary, hell-like existence with you, a person I have grown to loathe. I won’t stray. I will keep all my vows. But I hate it”? I mean, even if you DID say that, you wouldn’t really be asking for permission, and it’d be passive aggressive to pretend otherwise. Likewise, a person that goes to their spouse and says “Hey. I just want you to know that I am going to start banging this other person. I don’t want a divorce. I just want to be honest” is also being a dick, and doesn’t get any points for honesty. ---
**Author:** ![panaccione](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@panaccione](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panaccione)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2013, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779/203 "2013-06-24T02:56:23Z")
That’s a good point. I guess I hadn’t thought of it that way. (which I’ll admit is much more realistic) But, at least it opens up the conversation and allows for another chance. I’d still say it’s preferable to cheating. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2013, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779/204 "2013-06-24T03:36:49Z")
> [@Quasimodal](#): > > All I gotta say is that any person who decides to have an affair and decides to be a home wrecker and family wrecker deserves to have the pain thrice returned upon them. Well said, Quasi, well said. ---
**Author:** ![Measure\_for\_Measure](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/measure_for_measure/32/557_2.png) [@Measure\_for\_Measure](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Measure_for_Measure)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2013, 6:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779/205 "2013-06-24T06:18:22Z")
> [@curlcoat](#): > > Interested as in it somehow affects society, or interested as in gossip columns? Both, though I had the former in mind as in “the state of being affected by something in respect to advantage or detriment.” Yes, taxpayers have a financial interest in stable home environments for children. They also have a financial interest in the sort of monetary and emotional safety net that one spouse provides for another in a solid or even substandard arrangement. ---
**Author:** ![MostlyUseless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba8739/32.png) [@MostlyUseless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MostlyUseless)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2013, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779/206 "2013-06-25T14:11:47Z")
I have read through this post and honestly, I do not understand how anyone confuses one simple deal. There is a such thing as the right thing to do and a such thing as the wrong thing to do. In the past, I cheated. Why? Who cares? After experiencing the guilt and shame on my part and the hurt on my spouses’s part, I can say unequivocally, that is was just the wrong damned thing to do. I was wrong, I made a terrible choice and I will never make that choice again. What I despise are those who are desperately trying to justify a wrong choice. There are just decent rules of society. I don’t care, for example, if you have an alchohol problem, but you just DON’T DRIVE DRUNK. When you choose what is wrong, you are 100% at fault, 100% wrong, end of story. Anything else is trying to weasel out as if you were not wrong. I was wrong and I learned. What is so hard with that? ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2013, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779/207 "2013-06-25T19:35:02Z")
> [@MostlyUseless](#): > > I have read through this post and honestly, I do not understand how anyone confuses one simple deal. There is a such thing as the right thing to do and a such thing as the wrong thing to do. In the past, I cheated. Why? Who cares? After experiencing the guilt and shame on my part and the hurt on my spouses’s part, I can say unequivocally, that is was just the wrong damned thing to do. I was wrong, I made a terrible choice and I will never make that choice again. > > What I despise are those who are desperately trying to justify a wrong choice. There are just decent rules of society. I don’t care, for example, if you have an alchohol problem, but you just DON’T DRIVE DRUNK. > > When you choose what is wrong, you are 100% at fault, 100% wrong, end of story. Anything else is trying to weasel out as if you were not wrong. I was wrong and I learned. What is so hard with that? I would agree with you on that. But I also agree with forgiving yourself and getting over the guilt. I felt horrible guilt about what I did. I felt a little more justified once I confirmed what I always had suspected and forgave myself, but yes it was wrong and inexcusable. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2013, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779/208 "2013-06-26T15:14:48Z")
> [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](#): > > Men are often clueless about this. I dunno. We have friends who, according to the man, the wife “just walked away, no clue why.” Yet I and almost all her friends know exactly why. Because her husband was always putting her down–or at any rate doing things she interpreted as putting her down. When she asked him to stop, he denied he was doing it. > > Example: She’s out of work for three days because of the flu. He says, “Well, it was just a bad cold. I don’t think she really had the flu. I think if she really had the flu she’d have been a lot sicker.” This was kind of a weird thing–he’s not a doctor. He doesn’t get to decide whether she had a bad cold or the flu. He just wanted to diminish her experience, whatever it was. > > Example: She was having a really rough go at her job. She pretty much hated everything about it. She wanted to change jobs, and found another one but needed a car to get to it, but they had a car, and he usually took the bus to his job. He suddenly decided he needed to take the car rather than the bus, and told her the new job didn’t pay enough for her to get another car and she should just quit. > > Example: She ordered some slippers online. She ordered them in a small so her feet wouldn’t slop around in them. He went online and changed her order to get a medium. Because he thought slippers should fit loose. > > These were things aired in public or at least among their friends. I have to assume his behavior in private was worse. Anyway it was not much of a surprise to me that she left but he seemed really flummoxed and goes around saying he’s such a nice guy, why did she treat him like that? Hint: He’s not a nice guy. > > He is blaming “the other guy” but as far as I can tell, the other guy was drafted as an excuse for her to leave. Maybe a bit of a confidence-builder, too. > > I guess he could also say his wife was so shallow that she left him because he changed her slipper order, but that would mean it was his fault. Better to blame the other guy, right? A man saying “We grew apart” is a code for “I treated my wife like crap the whole time we were married, and didn’t parent the child(ren) either, and yet I’m still totally clueless as to why we’re divorced.” Truthfully, for me, Deal Breaker Numero Uno has always been divorce. If he’d treated his wife better, he would probably still be married to her. If the children were preschoolers, it’s also a pretty safe bet that he couldn’t handle parenthood, and that’s why the marriage failed. And I’ve heard more of that from men than I have from women. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2013, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779/209 "2013-06-26T15:22:08Z")
> [@bienville](#): > > I won’t challenge your anecdote since you know the couple and I don’t, but you really present it in a “I have an anecdote therefore **digs** is totally wrong” kind of a way. This may not have been your intention, but it is troublesome in how it follows the trope of “no matter who leaves who, it is always the man’s fault.” When I was growing up, divorces really were almost always entirely the husband’s fault, and in addition, it was almost unheard-of for a man to be involved with his children AT ALL within a year or two of the divorce being final, although in some cases, the mother had remarried and told the kids, “You have a new daddy now, so you don’t need the old one any more.” :smack: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779.md?page=10)