# Women (and men) who have affairs. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [January 30, 2013, 4:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779 "2013-01-30T04:37:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2013, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779/81 "2013-01-31T02:06:10Z")
> [@ladyfoxfyre](#): > > When people would ask me what happened, I felt like the explanations I was giving somehow weren’t sufficient to justify us splitting up. Sorta like the internal dilemma of trying to share complex feelings on a message board…to be clear enough not to be labeled a sociopath can sometimes require a 3-page backstory–which is too much. ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2013, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779/82 "2013-01-31T02:07:33Z")
I got you. ---
**Author:** ![curlcoat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea5d25/32.png) [@curlcoat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/curlcoat)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2013, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779/83 "2013-01-31T02:36:20Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > There isn’t? I thought that **I Like Pie** ’s point, which I tend to agree with, is that if you’ve decided that your marriage is over and you’re unhappy staying in it, then **that** ’s your incentive to go through divorce. As others have already said, there really isn’t a point where you think “I’m done with this” unless there is abuse or something going on. If the relationship has just run its course and the couple no longer really have anything in common, but don’t hate each other, it’s just easier to stay on. Especially since that is “what adults do”. > [@](#): > > I agree that it’s a shame that even in this day and age, it’s still all too common for women to be unable to afford to leave a miserable marriage. If cheating in order to form ties with a new breadwinner is really the only way they can manage to get away from the old breadwinner, that’s appalling. Still, it just reinforces **I Like Pie** ’s point that leaving a previous relationship before forming a new one is far preferable to the other way around, if you can manage it. Well, that’s just it - if you can manage it. How many women with small children do you know who could give them close to the kind of life they have now if she had to pay for it all herself? > [@I\_Like\_Pie](#): > > But why not go ahead and get the painful and tumultuous process over with so you can start being happy as a whole again? Why sacrifice your chance at happiness to stay with someone you don’t love and consider to be a roommate? That’s what I don’t understand. Yes, divorce is an arduous process; yes, people get hurt in the process and it’s huge step to take. But wouldn’t you rather have all that behind you and not have the guilt of cheating following you around? Then, you can openly see people and have an actual chance at finding someone who lights your fire again. Well, there are plenty of people who don’t see cheating on a loveless marriage as all that bad. Or it could be because they made the decision to stay together because of the kids but then they found Mr Right. Or they don’t realize how unhappy they have been until they meet Ms Perfect. And in the case of men, especially those with children, they lose _a lot_ in a divorce so they aren’t going to do it unless they have someone else they want. Or their wife is a screaming harpy and they just can’t take it any more. ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2013, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779/84 "2013-01-31T02:44:47Z")
> [@curlcoat](#): > > As others have already said, there really isn’t a point where you think “I’m done with this” unless there is abuse or something going on. If the relationship has just run its course and the couple no longer really have anything in common, but don’t hate each other, it’s just easier to stay on. Especially since that is “what adults do”. > > [snip] Or it could be because they made the decision to stay together because of the kids but then they found Mr Right. Or they don’t realize how unhappy they have been until they meet Ms Perfect. This is pretty much it. ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2013, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779/85 "2013-01-31T03:02:15Z")
> [@curlcoat](#): > > As others have already said, there really isn’t a point where you think “I’m done with this” unless there is abuse or something going on. If the relationship has just run its course and the couple no longer really have anything in common, but don’t hate each other, it’s just easier to stay on. I’m sure this is true for many people, but obviously not for everybody. As illustrated by **digs** ’s example of three different friends of his who left their marriages, not because of abuse or a new love but because they didn’t want to “stay on”. > [@curlcoat](#): > > Well, there are plenty of people who don’t see cheating on a loveless marriage as all that bad. If it’s done with the spouse’s knowledge and consent, I’d more or less agree with them. If a married couple decide for whatever reason that they don’t expect sexual fidelity from each other, that’s their business. But ISTM that bona fide cheating—that is, deliberately breaking your marriage vows on the sly instead of taking any responsibility for releasing yourself from them—is still cheating whether you love your spouse or not. ---
**Author:** ![curlcoat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea5d25/32.png) [@curlcoat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/curlcoat)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2013, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779/86 "2013-01-31T03:19:04Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > I’m sure this is true for many people, but obviously not for everybody. As illustrated by **digs** ’s example of three different friends of his who left their marriages, not because of abuse or a new love but because they didn’t want to “stay on”. If that was the reason and not just shorthand for “I don’t really want to go into it”. Or they could have been in a position where divorce really wasn’t going to be a big deal - my divorce was like that; no kids, no property, no big deal. The only reason it took so long to get around to was neither of us had the $75. > [@](#): > > If it’s done with the spouse’s knowledge and consent, I’d more or less agree with them. If a married couple decide for whatever reason that they don’t expect sexual fidelity from each other, that’s their business. > > But ISTM that bona fide cheating—that is, deliberately breaking your marriage vows on the sly instead of taking any responsibility for releasing yourself from them—is still cheating whether you love your spouse or not. I’m not saying it isn’t cheating, I’m saying there are plenty of people who don’t feel its “evil” or whatever to cheat on a loveless marriage. They don’t see absolute adherence to the vows, no matter what, as important as you apparently do. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2013, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779/87 "2013-01-31T03:39:16Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > But ISTM that bona fide cheating—that is, deliberately breaking your marriage vows on the sly instead of taking any responsibility for releasing yourself from them—is still cheating whether you love your spouse or not. Bingo. It’s not the sex that makes for cheating. It’s the lying. ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2013, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779/88 "2013-01-31T03:51:43Z")
> [@curlcoat](#): > > I’m not saying it isn’t cheating, I’m saying there are plenty of people who don’t feel its “evil” or whatever to cheat on a loveless marriage. Then it sounds like the OP has plenty of people to pit. > [@curlcoat](#): > > They don’t see absolute adherence to the vows, no matter what, as important as you apparently do. Evidently they don’t. However, note that what I’m advocating is not “absolute adherence to the vows, no matter what” but rather _honesty_ with the partner to whom one has made those vows. As I said above, I don’t really care if a married couple decide by mutual consent not to abide by their vows of fidelity. Nor do I think that a separated spouse who has explicitly renounced their vow of fidelity is morally obligated to abide by it just because they’re still legally married. As long as you and your partner are honest with each other about your commitment or lack of it, then I think your technical marital status is irrelevant. But I would maintain that surreptitiously breaking that vow by deliberately deceiving your partner while masquerading as a faithful spouse is still a pretty sleazy thing to do, no matter how loveless your marriage may have become. ETA: as **DianaG** said. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2013, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779/89 "2013-01-31T04:01:52Z")
> [@ladyfoxfyre](#): > > Just a question but, have you ever been married? Or divorced? If not, it’s actually kind of hard to explain the power of inertia and how it affects your decision making. It’s also very hard to explain how “I want a divorce” is a very difficult conversation to have. It’s different when you’re just dating someone, because there isn’t this whole mess of social expectations that go along with what you are “supposed” to do with your marriage. Because there is a lot more guilt for ending a marriage for any reason, even a good one, than there is for staying in it, I can tell you that for sure. > > It’s very easy to just stay in a shitty situation. Sometimes it takes a very long time for you to even realize it’s shitty, and sometimes the only reason you figure out how shitty it is is when you find someone who makes you feel good again because you’ve felt blah for so long. It creeps up on you and you don’t really expect it when you finally realize your marriage is over. > [@ladyfoxfyre](#): > > I’d say that the most difficult part is the realization that it’s over though. You keep saying “well why don’t you just leave” and the problem is it takes a very long time to decide that you want to leave, even if you realize that you’re not happy. A lot of people just live with it for so long, they never take a moment to step back and say that they’re not happy anymore. The other part of it is that culturally we are somehow told to believe that maybe part of marriage is being unhappy all or most of the time. It’s this dichotomy between the Leave it to Beaver / Married With Children depictions of marriage. Either everything is perfect all of the time, or you’re miserable all the time, and even if you are miserable all the time, well that’s just life so suck it up and deal with it. > > I experienced this very acutely when I was going through my divorce, even though it was not a spoken expectation. When people would ask me what happened, I felt like the explanations I was giving somehow weren’t sufficient to justify us splitting up. > > Yes, in retrospect, it’s easy to say “Well I should have left at X point” but in the moment there’s not really a clear breaking point for most people. It’s the frog slowly boiling to death in a pot of water, and it rarely goes according to how everyone thinks it should. You are a very wise woman. I am in the throws of all of this right now. I could never have articulated this in these words. Thank you so much. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2013, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779/90 "2013-01-31T04:09:42Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > \ > I agree that it’s a shame that even in this day and age, it’s still all too common for women to be unable to afford to leave a miserable marriage. If cheating in order to form ties with a new breadwinner is really the only way they can manage to get away from the old breadwinner, that’s appalling. Still, it just reinforces **I Like Pie** ’s point that leaving a previous relationship before forming a new one is far preferable to the other way around, if you can manage it. [Divorced women have less economic security than women who stay married.](http://www.forbes.com/sites/jefflanders/2011/11/01/study-shows-divorced-women-have-less-economic-security-than-women-who-stay-married/) That’s not even taking into account the idea that the children usually stay with the woman, who may or may not get decent, reliable child support for them. I’m not condoning women having a second bread-winner lined up before they dump the first one, but I can see why they do it. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2013, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779/91 "2013-01-31T04:19:38Z")
> [@Inigo\_Montoya](#): > > Judge away, I expect nothing less of you. But yeah, The swifter death comes to her the better off everyone else in her life will be. Simple fact. Whoa. Probably your kids do not agree. > [@Bridget\_Burke](#): > > Yes, he’s such a sterling example of [sanity](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=15950729&postcount=102). This sounds like one of the fake case studies we read in Abnormal Psych class and we had to “diagnose” the person. I’m going with Cluster B personality disorder(s). > [@I\_Like\_Pie](#): > > What I’ve never understood: If you are so unhappy with your marriage/relationship why not get out of it? Obviously there are a lot of issues if you feel the need to cheat. Wouldn’t it be easier to find yourself single again and then sleep with whoever the hell you wanted? Not always. A friend of mine got married at 19 or 20 and had never really had a chance to be a stupid young adult. Her marriage sucked but she was faithful for over 10 years, including 2 1/2 years when her husband was detained on immigration issues. Now she doesn’t divorce him because of the kids, financial issues, and the fact that they’re trying to fight his deportation. She cheats on him and I don’t think it’s OKAY, but it’s kind of understandable. (Looks really immature to go through your wild and crazy phase in your 30s though. That’s why I think people should get it out of their system when they’re young.) ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2013, 5:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779/92 "2013-01-31T05:43:43Z")
> [@Blackberry](#): > > This sounds like one of the fake case studies we read in Abnormal Psych class and we had to “diagnose” the person. I’m going with Cluster B personality disorder(s). Internet psychologists always crack me up. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2013, 6:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779/93 "2013-01-31T06:02:46Z")
> [@Lord\_Ashtar](#): > > Internet psychologists always crack me up. Just really reminded me of that Abnormal Psych class exercise. But you have to admit it does really really sounds that way. Obviously what you can tell over the Internet is limited, but that doesn’t mean it’s always ridiculous to even venture a guess. If someone said they enjoy torturing animals and feel no empathy or guilt and only value other people to the extent that they can exploit them, would you have absolutely no thoughts about what might be wrong with them? ---
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2013, 7:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779/94 "2013-01-31T07:03:02Z")
> [@Doughbag](#): > > It’s not just men who are clueless - women are aswell. Oh, I agree. I didn’t mean to sound so one-sidedly pro-female here. But among people of my acquaintance, the women seem to get it all out there, so at least their friends know what’s going on. In the case I mentioned she told her HUSBAND what bothered her, and he just thought it was silly of her to be bothered by that stuff, and now he’s mystified that she left him and thinks she treated him bad. It also seems to me that the women know when the guy’s drifting away–maybe not why, and maybe it’s still a shock when he says bye-bye. Also I’m betting that this guy is married again in two years, and his ex-wife won’t be. ---
**Author:** ![azraiel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@azraiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/azraiel)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2013, 10:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779/95 "2013-01-31T10:53:56Z")
I tried to read the entire thread, but I can’t tell Paul from Paula through the red haze in my eyes. Cheating is despicable. It’s one of the most profound betrayals one human can visit on another. I believe that cheating in a dating or committed relationship is a severe breach of morality. But perhaps there are extenuating and very rare circumstances. I believe that cheating in a sworn relationship is inexcusable, and I can’t conceive of the circumstance where I could be convinced otherwise. If it’s that bad, walk away. You fuck. ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2013, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779/96 "2013-01-31T13:29:21Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > You are a very wise woman. I am in the throws of all of this right now. I could never have articulated this in these words. Thank you so much. It takes time and distance to be able to articulate much of anything about it, really. But thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Imp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Imp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Imp)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2013, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779/97 "2013-01-31T14:27:09Z")
> [@SweetiePotato](#): > > I have to admit to sleeping with a few married men in the past, when I was right out of college. Either they say nothing and you find out later (as a reason they haven’t called… but, hey, you know, we could hook up again sometime…?), or they casually mention it in the same breath as a sob story about how their wife has lost interest in them and they’re lonely, blah blah-- this is easy enough to sympathize with if you’re naive and haven’t heard it a million times before. > > And then there was the casual work acquaintance who would tell me every day how his wife was making him miserable-- it was like a campaign. And after we had our little drunken foolishness, he was SO HAPPY and lit up and it was really awful to see because maybe he’d actually been telling the truth about being miserable. That couple was doomed-- a year or two later, he was remarried to a new woman and his ex-wife was married to the guy SHE had been cheating on HIM with. > > My experience being the “other woman” makes me realize that, for younger women, the fact that a man is married often lends him more credibility and the come-ons take you off-guard. Clean, professional, married Steve with a framed picture of his children on his desk couldn’t possibly be a lying philanderer! Yup, this, thanks. I got involved with a married man when I was still in my last year at Uni - partly because, like you say, it took me off guard. He was recently married, a few years older than me, but in a very different place in his life, what with the wife, job and mortgage, when I was still a student living with my parents. It never occured to me that he would be interested in me _that_ way. And then, I have to admit I fell for the “don’t worry about my wife, that’s my problem not yours” and I cheerfully turned a blind eye to her existence, or listened to his “My wife doesn’t understand me!” whinges. My perspective as the “other woman” still doesn’t give me any sympathy for the female who went after my husband when I was pregnant with his child though. I suppose I won that one in the end though - I’m free, and she’s still stuck with him 😉 ---
**Author:** ![BlinkingDuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eada6e/32.png) [@BlinkingDuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlinkingDuck)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2013, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779/98 "2013-01-31T15:56:43Z")
> [@bienville](#): > > I won’t challenge your anecdote since you know the couple and I don’t, but you really present it in a “I have an anecdote therefore **digs** is totally wrong” kind of a way. This may not have been your intention, but it is troublesome in how it follows the trope of “no matter who leaves who, it is always the man’s fault.” > > Personally, I think there’s something to **dig** ’s midlife crisis theory. If we’re throwing anecdotes around: I know a couple that broke up over the summer (and by the way, I’ve always known the wife better than the husband, so this isn’t a “she hurt my buddy!” kind of a thing, in fact I have NEVER heard the husband’s side of the story). > > When they were in their twenties and she was looking to the future wanting a family, she married a guy with a good stable job. He was no older than she was, but he worked his ass off from the moment he stepped out of high school. He had a good paying job with benefits and it was dependable for a long future. Also, he _wanted_ a family. He was excited about having kids and raising them. They had two children. Her husband’s job didn’t go anywhere, in fact he was rewarded with regular advancement over the years. > > When he wasn’t working he _wanted_ to be with his wife and kids. They always had family dinners all seated at the table together. He was happiest when his Saturdays and Sundays were spent as all four of them together. He loved Friday and Saturday nights on the couch with his kids and his wife watching Disney movies. His wife loved this too . . . for a time. > > Now, in her forties, she wants to party. Everything that made her husband “Greatest Husband and Dad in the World” now just makes him boring. She decides her life is boring. She wants an exciting life. Now that the kids are grown up they don’t need her so much anymore (Note: a 16 year old and a 14 year old are NOT grown up, and certainly DO need a mother). > > She has only ever worked part-time and only in recent years, but though it is only a part time job it is a job that she would regularly have to travel for. She meets an “exciting” guy on a business trip, he likes to party, they have amazing sex and start up a long term affair. > > The minute her older child hits age 18, she decides she is officially no longer needed as a mother. She breaks up with her husband and moves to Hawaii to live with the amazing sex exciting party guy. > > Her younger daughter, always one of the most cheerful children you could ever meet, is at age 16 depressed for the first time ever. Her daughter has been a star athelete her entire life and always at peak physical form, now is anorexic. Party Mom in Hawaii gets regular phone calls from other mom friends concerned about the daughter. Hawaii Party Mom, who can apparently much better diagnose the situation from across an expanse of ocean, invariably becomes angry “She’s just lost a little weight, stop making such a huge fucking deal about it!” After all, at age 16 the girl is “grown up” and no longer needs her mother. > But you’re right **Hilarity N. Suze**. Even my anecdote does not qualify as a “no clue why” break up. Yes, “all her friends know exactly why”. They were a couple who came to be at odds with what kind of a lifestyle they wanted to live. She wanted excitement, he wanted a quiet home life. If he would only have partied with her more, if he had only taken her on exciting weekend trips to stay in fancy hotels, then maybe, just maybe, he could have saved their marriage. > > Fact is, their is always a “why” when a relationship breaks up. Still, sometimes one of the partners is completely blindsided when it happens. **digs** alludes to knowing of couples whose breakup comes as a complete shock to the man- to which you respond “Men are often clueless about this.” > > Are you also so completely dismissive of “clueless” women who are blindsided by the news that their husband and father of their children is going to up and move out to be with someone new? One of the main problems is highlighted in your example above. People with too much time on their hands/not enough to do. The husband worked hard and was rewarded with promotions and a career. The woman stayed at home and maybe/sometime worked part time. When the kids are young, she was very busy. As they got older, she was not so busy. Therefore, she had much time and energy while the husband was just glad to get home and relax at night. What the woman needed to do was GTFO of the house and start working her ass off like the guy was doing. Less time and less energy after she was done. Instead, she just sat around and got bored and her mind wandered. Well, maybe not in your specific example above but I think one of the causes of some infidelity is some people just have too much time on their hands. ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2013, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779/99 "2013-01-31T16:03:53Z")
No, it’s really not. Infidelity is a symptom of a marriage with problems in it, it just puts a nice convenient name and face to the problem and gives the person a ton of pats on the back for leaving the cheating bitch/bastard. Cheating doesn’t ruin marriages, it just brings bad marriages to a head. ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2013, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779/100 "2013-01-31T16:41:35Z")
> [@ladyfoxfyre](#): > > No, it’s really not. Infidelity is a symptom of a marriage with problems in it, it just puts a nice convenient name and face to the problem and gives the person a ton of pats on the back for leaving the cheating bitch/bastard. Cheating doesn’t ruin marriages, it just brings bad marriages to a head. Sometimes. Sometimes the problem really is an entitled whiny brat who can’t control themselves enough to stay monogamous. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-and-men-who-have-affairs/648779.md?page=6)