# Women - are you offended when a man tries to shake your hand? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 29, 2016, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-offended-when-a-man-tries-to-shake-your-hand/758714 "2016-06-29T16:18:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Sahirrnee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sahirrnee/32/13937_2.png) [@Sahirrnee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sahirrnee)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2016, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-offended-when-a-man-tries-to-shake-your-hand/758714/21 "2016-06-29T22:07:00Z")
In a business setting I expect it, although I’m not offended if it doesn’t happen. However, if all the men shake hands and I am excluded (happened to me recently), I _will_ be offended. It made me feel like I was not part of the discussion and I wasn’t being taken seriously. I still remember the day my father made me practice shaking hands with him, firm grip, not too tight, make eye contact and smile. It’s right up there with saying please and thank you, using the right fork, closing doors properly, and walking across the room without sounding like an elephant. Also, I don’t get offended if a man gives me a closed hand shake or puts his other hand on my shoulder. Or puts his hand on my back as we walk through door. They are normal, non-threatening gestures that are no big deal. I’ve not threatened by a smile, or a look, or a compliment, or a ‘hello’ from a random stranger. I think it’s pretty damn sad that we have gotten to a place where normal, human interaction has to be questioned and people are so damned afraid of offending each other. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2016, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-offended-when-a-man-tries-to-shake-your-hand/758714/22 "2016-06-29T23:24:06Z")
> [@MoonMoon](#): > > No. I’m offended when a man tries to give me a fingertip handshake because I’m a woman who couldn’t possible bear the grip of a man’s hand, though. I’m always careful when I shake hands because I tend to grip too hard (not just for women), which is NOT appreciated by either sex. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2016, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-offended-when-a-man-tries-to-shake-your-hand/758714/23 "2016-06-29T23:29:17Z")
> [@Chefguy](#): > > I’m always careful when I shake hands because I tend to grip too hard (not just for women), which is NOT appreciated by either sex. I used to have the same problem, but have corrected it. My uncle trained us all to have a firm handshake… too firm. The first few times I shook hands in a business setting, the guy was startled. ---
**Author:** ![Saintly\_Loser](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saintly_loser/32/4045_2.png) [@Saintly\_Loser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saintly_Loser)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2016, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-offended-when-a-man-tries-to-shake-your-hand/758714/24 "2016-06-30T00:08:44Z")
> [@Two\_Many\_Cats](#): > > See, this is the disingenuous part of your post. If a woman has truly “crazy” standards of behavior, such as insisting on Victorian formal introductions before handshaking, or saying a man offering a handshake is tantamount to sexual assault, her standards are crazy standards. NOBODY SANE is going to say that men are the problem as you have posted. The woman has crazy standards, and should be avoided if possible by everyone. > > Nobody in the world has ever been hauled before HR at their job over a handshake, or a single compliment on a blouse. That’s bullshit. I’m aware of a couple of instances of people being hauled into HR at firms at which I worked. A lot of women lawyers are very much offended by the refusal of (some?) Orthodox Jewish men to shake hands with them in a business setting. I know of one woman who hauled one of our IT people into HR for this behavior. She was a partner in the firm, he was a lowly IT tech, you can figure out which way that went. Flip side – there was a woman at the same firm (not a lawyer) who did indeed claim that any attempt by a man to touch her (which obviously includes handshakes) was an attempted assault. She went to HR about a number of men. Always guys who were new at the firm and hadn’t heard about her yet. Eventually the firm found a way to get rid of her. ---
**Author:** ![jtur88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e9c0ed/32.png) [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2016, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-offended-when-a-man-tries-to-shake-your-hand/758714/25 "2016-06-30T00:29:39Z")
In the third world, which is where I get introduced to the most people, women are amazingly graceful about accepting well-meant wishes from people who don’t fully understand their own culture. They also see enough western media, to know what to expect from western visitors. So this never seemed to me to be any kind of a problem. My own personal policy, if shaking hands seems appropriate or if she initiates the gesture, is to just extend my hand and let the woman do with it whatever she feels comfortable with. ---
**Author:** ![dracoi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/90db22/32.png) [@dracoi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dracoi)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2016, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-offended-when-a-man-tries-to-shake-your-hand/758714/26 "2016-06-30T02:03:01Z")
> [@Two\_Many\_Cats](#): > > See, this is the disingenuous part of your post. If a woman has truly “crazy” standards of behavior, such as insisting on Victorian formal introductions before handshaking, or saying a man offering a handshake is tantamount to sexual assault, her standards are crazy standards. NOBODY SANE is going to say that men are the problem as you have posted. The woman has crazy standards, and should be avoided if possible by everyone. > > Nobody in the world has ever been hauled before HR at their job over a handshake, or a single compliment on a blouse. That’s bullshit. > > Men, you can quit worrying about this now. These “Women, are You Offended by…” threads are just more “Bitches be Crazy” urban legend mongering. Doh! Now our worrying about offending women has offended a woman. 😉 Seriously, though, there are certain examples of posters here at SDMB who do seem to blame men coming and going. In high school, one girl once complained because I opened a door for her (apparently, that’s sexist)… then later in the year, the same girl complained when I _didn’t_ open it for her (which is apparently not sexist, merely rude). Naturally, I’m now scarred for life. OK, no, not really. I’m not even all that worried about it, except that I’m all for doing whatever will make life a little easier for everyone. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2016, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-offended-when-a-man-tries-to-shake-your-hand/758714/27 "2016-06-30T02:04:26Z")
> [@dracoi](#): > > Well, for starters, common ordinary respect is a pretty rare thing to begin with, in any gender. 🙂 > > But for my male perspective on why this is hard: imagine that 1% of all the door knobs in the world are wired up with electricity and will shock the crap out of you if you don’t open them just the right way. But there are two types of wired-up doorknobs and they shock you for different things. > > That’s what it’s like trying to figure out the “right thing” in these situations. For every 198/200 women who appreciate being treated normally or who at least understand a minor faux pas or two, there’s one who still thinks Victorian standards of etiquette must be observed and one who thinks you’re the personal representative of The Patriarchy, there to oppress and/or rape her. We never know who’s going to go crazy or exactly why they’re going crazy, but everyone seems to be clear that it’s the men who are the problem and so we’re always trying to figure out what the hell it is we’re doing wrong. Oh, that must be so hard, trying to figure out how to act when most people of one gender act the way you expect them to but a small minority act in an upsettingly unpredictable way during what seems like a routine interaction. ---
**Author:** ![usedtobe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ec9cab/32.png) [@usedtobe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/usedtobe)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2016, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-offended-when-a-man-tries-to-shake-your-hand/758714/28 "2016-06-30T02:32:08Z")
I’m old and male. I was taught to wait for the woman to raise her hand. If she doesn’t raise her hand I nod to acknowledge the introduction. OP - what does “Try to shake your hand” mean? Extend hand as to shake? Is that “trying to shake her hand”? Grab her hand from her side and start pumping? At what point does it become “trying to shake (her) hand”? ---
**Author:** ![spamforbrains](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@spamforbrains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/spamforbrains)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2016, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-offended-when-a-man-tries-to-shake-your-hand/758714/29 "2016-06-30T02:39:36Z")
> [@](#): > > In high school, one girl once complained because I opened a door for her (apparently, that’s sexist)… then later in the year, the same girl complained when I didn’t open it for her (which is apparently not sexist, merely rude). well, that depends on whether you did it out of sexist motivations (oh, women are too weak to open doors) or were just being helpful (that person is carrying six boxes and has no free hands, I’ll open the door). I’ve never heard of or met anyone who was offended by shaking hands. If you extend your hand they have the option of not extending theirs. Which may come across as rude, sure, but it’s an option. If you grab someone’s hand when they haven’t extended it, that may technically be assault. I’m not too fond of shaking hands because it’s a good way to contract colds and the like and I hope the ritual slowly fades away. I kind of like the half-bow some cultures use instead. ---
**Author:** ![stui\_magpie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stui_magpie/32/11010_2.png) [@stui\_magpie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stui_magpie)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2016, 6:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-offended-when-a-man-tries-to-shake-your-hand/758714/30 "2016-06-30T06:08:19Z")
Male here, I’ve been interested in reading the comments and viewing the results of the poll. I always offer to shake hands when I meet someone in a work setting, male or female. It’s usually my first reaction too when I meet anyone informally but I tend to take my cues from body language there rather than just automatically shoving out the hand. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2016, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-offended-when-a-man-tries-to-shake-your-hand/758714/31 "2016-06-30T06:17:05Z")
No, and it’s never occured to me that anyone would ever be offended. (I find the idea of being so absurd) ---
**Author:** ![Turpentine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecd19e/32.png) [@Turpentine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Turpentine)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2016, 12:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-offended-when-a-man-tries-to-shake-your-hand/758714/32 "2016-06-30T12:39:09Z")
Absolutely not. Also, I never had any idea that handshakes were ever gender-specific, that ladies were supposed to offer their hand first, etc. Nor has it ever occurred to me to be offended. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2016, 1:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-offended-when-a-man-tries-to-shake-your-hand/758714/33 "2016-06-30T13:09:20Z")
> [@Two\_Many\_Cats](#): > > Okay, as a woman, just to be clear: > > No, I am not offended by: > > Men offering handshakes > Men offering friendly compliments > Men opening doors or offering seats > Men making the occasional joke > Men looking at me within reason > > Simply treat me decently, with common ordinary respect. > > From the tone and number of these threads and polls, it seems men find this fucking hard to understand. > > Why this should be, I admit I find fucking hard to understand. I don’t find it hard to understand, it makes perfect sense. I do find it hard to understand why a woman would be offended by a man offering a handshake. Except for the thing we aren’t mentioning I’ve never heard of a woman being offended by this. ---
**Author:** ![WOOKINPANUB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wookinpanub/32/132_2.png) [@WOOKINPANUB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WOOKINPANUB)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2016, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-offended-when-a-man-tries-to-shake-your-hand/758714/34 "2016-06-30T13:25:47Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > No, and it’s never occured to me that anyone would ever be offended. (I find the idea of being so absurd) Ditto. The things that people get hung up about baffle me. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2016, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-offended-when-a-man-tries-to-shake-your-hand/758714/35 "2016-06-30T14:25:40Z")
I have absolutely no opinion on the subject. If a man offers his hand, I take it. If he doesn’t, I don’t care. I work in a store that has a large Orthodox Jewish customer base, and the men often put their credit cards on the counter rather than handing it directly to me. I always put it back on the counter with their receipt. Life is too short to be affected by such trivial. ---
**Author:** ![SUZ\_MAC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8e8cbc/32.png) [@SUZ\_MAC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SUZ_MAC)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2016, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-offended-when-a-man-tries-to-shake-your-hand/758714/36 "2016-06-30T20:39:24Z")
I voted not offended at all. In fact I’ve done it twice today already. I’m curious as to what would constitute being offended by a simple handshake greeting. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2016, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-offended-when-a-man-tries-to-shake-your-hand/758714/37 "2016-06-30T23:31:02Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > I have absolutely no opinion on the subject. If a man offers his hand, I take it. If he doesn’t, I don’t care. > > I work in a store that has a large Orthodox Jewish customer base, and the men often put their credit cards on the counter rather than handing it directly to me. I always put it back on the counter with their receipt. > > Life is too short to be affected by such trivial. That sounds very polite and considerate of you. Perhaps you read social signals and respond to them. ---
**Author:** ![seal\_cleaner](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@seal\_cleaner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/seal_cleaner)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2016, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-offended-when-a-man-tries-to-shake-your-hand/758714/38 "2016-06-30T23:44:30Z")
I’m an older guy. I was taught that a man never initiated physical contact with a female who was not his spouse or a blood relative. I wait for a woman to offer her hand. ---
**Author:** ![Commodore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b2d939/32.png) [@Commodore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Commodore)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2016, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-offended-when-a-man-tries-to-shake-your-hand/758714/39 "2016-07-01T04:16:05Z")
> [@usedtobe](#): > > I’m old and male. > I was taught to wait for the woman to raise her hand. > > If she doesn’t raise her hand I nod to acknowledge the introduction. > > OP - what does “Try to shake your hand” mean? > Extend hand as to shake? Is that “trying to shake her hand”? > Grab her hand from her side and start pumping? > > At what point does it become “trying to shake (her) hand”? That’s the way I see it as well. When making a deal, that’s another thing, it’s all about how another’s body language, as you get a reading with a hand shake as well as to the person. With another man I can just dismiss the person from his manner before or during the hand shake directly. One time I had this dude who came running up to me, I refuse directly. Another who put forward his left hand, I brushed it aside and got up him directly. Another may try to turn you palm upwards, I could pull him of balance directly and dismissed him directly and he could be punched in the face, because that is taken as a direct insult to one and making out that he is above me or does not consider one as any worth but only a target to be used in submission to him. so you use your thumb on his knuckle so the bastard can not play that game but in all it all depends on the situation. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Ace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/6bbea6/32.png) [@Johnny\_Ace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Ace)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2016, 4:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-offended-when-a-man-tries-to-shake-your-hand/758714/40 "2016-07-01T04:37:22Z")
If I were in a situation where I was shaking one or more other guys’ hands and there were a woman there, I’d offer my hand to her too. One-on-one, I generally let her take the initiative and don’t snub it if offered. Not rocket science here. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-offended-when-a-man-tries-to-shake-your-hand/758714.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-offended-when-a-man-tries-to-shake-your-hand/758714.md?page=3)