# Women: are you turned off if a man asks to kiss you? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 12, 2018, 12:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428 "2018-03-12T12:47:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/21 "2018-03-12T15:29:06Z")
> [@Snarky\_Kong](#): > > It’s not complicated to know when to kiss someone, you just have to know when to kiss them! “The opportune moment” and “it’s obvious” are highly subjective. Well yeah, but that’s not the topic of discussion here. It’s “do you ask first?” I’m saying ‘no you don’t, here’s what you do instead.’ > [@](#): > > You view occasional unwanted kisses as no big deal. I’m curious if that view is widely shared. I imagine it’s more widely shared among men than women. Probably. But until either women initiate most of the kisses, or male intuition advances to the point where we can ‘read’ women’s desires perfectly, I think we’re stuck with occasional unwanted kisses, or at least deflected attempts at kisses. ---
**Author:** ![x-ray\_vision](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/x-ray_vision/32/351_2.png) [@x-ray\_vision](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/x-ray_vision)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/22 "2018-03-12T15:44:39Z")
Going in for the kiss is something you do slowly. She’s not exactly going to need excellent reflexes to say no or pull away before one’s lips make it to hers. If you’re inches apart, looking into her eyes and slowly moving in until your lips touch hers and she then pulls away and complains about not giving verbal consent, she’s a psycho. Hopefully one would be better at determining that a woman is at least somewhat normal before getting to that point. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/23 "2018-03-12T15:46:30Z")
> [@Blalron](#): > > This is the dilemma that many men face. If we do ask for explicit verbal consent, the mere act of asking could cause us to be rejected as a romantic partner. If we don’t ask, we might get kicked in the balls. > > Involuntary celibacy, or the risk of getting kicked in the balls. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. Oddly enough, there have been times when a man has asked to kiss me and I have actually said “yes”. On the other hand, there have been a LOT of men who I most certainly did not want to kiss who forced one on me. If, when you say “can I kiss you?” you get consistently rejected consider the problem may be something about you, and that if you’re not getting rejected when you acting without asking first you are not, actually, succeeding but rather forcing unwanted attention/touching on another human being. If you don’t ask, kiss, then get “kicked in the balls” the answer is “no”. Ask yourself if you’d rather get a verbal “no” or a “kick in the balls” - which is actually more painful? Maybe I’m just grumpy today, but I get very, very, very tired of men simply assuming they can intrude on my life at any time with their libidinous needs. What the hell is so difficult about _asking?_ Don’t men complain that women won’t _tell_ them what they need instead of them having to guess? Why don’t you return the favor? Or is it you’re afraid the answer will be “no, I’m not interested, I’m trying to get my laundry done/grocery shopping/fix my car/do my job here”? Or, “no, I have no interest in either fucking you or having a romantic relationship with you”? ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/24 "2018-03-12T15:57:20Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > Don’t men complain that women won’t _tell_ them what they need instead of them having to guess? Why don’t you return the favor? Or is it you’re afraid the answer will be “no, I’m not interested, I’m trying to get my laundry done/grocery shopping/fix my car/do my job here”? Pffft, if I asked first, I’d never get to kiss any of the women at the grocery store! ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/25 "2018-03-12T16:02:08Z")
No, I’m not turned off. You know, if every man asked, then the women who think it’s a turn off would have to change or be the ones losing out. Strikes me as win-win. ---
**Author:** ![BwanaBob](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bwanabob/32/2985_2.png) [@BwanaBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BwanaBob)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/26 "2018-03-12T16:03:44Z")
One St. Patrick’s Day, many, many years ago, I was in a bar trying to make my way back to my friends. A young lady was going in the opposite direction and we wound up doing the dance where you try to pass but wind up blocking each other. I noticed she had one of those “Kiss Me I’m Irish” badges on. So I said, “Oh, can I kiss you, you’re Irish?” She laughed and said “Sure!”. We kissed. It was very nice. We sort of laughed at each other, and went our merry ways, never to see other again. ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/27 "2018-03-12T16:06:54Z")
From a woman’s standpoint, when I was dating, had a guy asked if it was ok to kiss me, I probably would’ve thought that was weird, though I’m sure it’s possible to do it in some way that’s not odd. Maybe just go slow and make an effort to read her reactions? Ask questions, “Like, this?” or “Do you need me to stop?” I must admit I am also a little perplexed as to how to recommend someone go about asking for explicit consent without making things a little stilted and overly formal. Then again, the only time someone ever asked to kiss me, I’d already told him I didn’t feel comfortable with him. When I said I didn’t want him to kiss me, he asked me to marry him. So I’m a little biased. Regardless, one of the things I think is somewhat not helpful is telling someone they need explicit consent without giving them the words to do so. It might seem totally obvious to really any normal person, but I could see a teenager getting so freaked out by the possibility of not having gotten appropriate agreement that they’d maybe just decide it was too embarrassing or carried to much risk of rejection. ---
**Author:** ![x-ray\_vision](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/x-ray_vision/32/351_2.png) [@x-ray\_vision](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/x-ray_vision)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/28 "2018-03-12T16:11:23Z")
If verbal consent is required before kissing, then it should be for actions wanted after that leading to [“May I dry hump you?”](https://nypost.com/2015/08/08/more-men-are-asking-consent-for-sex-and-its-awkward/) ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/29 "2018-03-12T16:11:27Z")
> [@Jophiel](#): > > If you didn’t want to kiss him, you’re “turned off” already, aren’t you? Possibly, the question as posed doesn’t take my interest level into account to begin with. But if I wanted him to kiss me, asking wouldn’t ruin it. If I didn’t want him to kiss me, reaching over and doing it would not turn me on. If I wanted him to kiss me reaching over and doing it would be ok (assuming he wasn’t an overaggressive jerk). ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/30 "2018-03-12T16:13:31Z")
The first time I “kissed” someone French/European greeting style I did it wrong. This French woman in the Caribbean greeted us and leaned toward me for three “cheek kisses”. She laughed and said something in French to my gf, who then explained to me that I shouldn’t place wet smooches on her cheeks, just little pecks near her cheeks. My gf and the French woman then demonstrated how it was done, then the French lady said, “again” and we did it again. I think I’ve got it down, but rarely get to practice. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/31 "2018-03-12T16:18:40Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > My gf and the French woman then demonstrated how it was done, then the French lady said, “again” and we did it again. I think I’ve got it down, but rarely get to practice. Wrong message board. ---
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/32 "2018-03-12T16:29:26Z")
Guess I’m weird - I love it when a man says “can I kiss you?” You know, you’re sitting real close, intimately talking, you know you both want to kiss, then he leans in and whispers “can I kiss you?” - Swoon! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll me in my bunk! ---
**Author:** ![x-ray\_vision](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/x-ray_vision/32/351_2.png) [@x-ray\_vision](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/x-ray_vision)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/33 "2018-03-12T16:34:54Z")
> [@FloatyGimpy](#): > > Guess I’m weird - I love it when a man says “can I kiss you?” You know, you’re sitting real close, intimately talking, you know you both want to kiss, then he leans in and whispers “can I kiss you?” - Swoon! > > Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll me in my bunk! Suppose you want it to go further. Do you love it when a man asks “May I touch your breasts?” ---
**Author:** ![Snarky\_Kong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a183cd/32.png) [@Snarky\_Kong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snarky_Kong)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/34 "2018-03-12T16:49:16Z")
> [@RTFirefly](#): > > Well yeah, but that’s not the topic of discussion here. It’s “do you ask first?” I’m saying ‘no you don’t, here’s what you do instead.’ Yes, I’m aware of what you’re saying. Whether or not it’s obvious is relevant to the question though. If men were always right in whether or not their date wanted a kiss, this wouldn’t be an issue. If men are completely oblivious and women are constantly subject to unwanted kisses, it’s a bigger issue. ---
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/35 "2018-03-12T16:52:34Z")
> [@x-ray\_vision](#): > > Suppose you want it to go further. Do you love it when a man asks “May I touch your breasts?” Well I probably don’t need every detail asked about. I imagine “can I insert my penis into your vagina?” wouldn’t be all that much of a turn on 😃 ---
**Author:** ![WOOKINPANUB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wookinpanub/32/132_2.png) [@WOOKINPANUB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WOOKINPANUB)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/36 "2018-03-12T16:55:10Z")
I don’t think it’s ever happened to me but it sounds like a complete turn off. As others have said, you both know when it’s right and no one need ask anything (except in a playful way as mentioned by **FloatyGimpy)**. ---
**Author:** ![The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecc23a/32.png) [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_wind_of_my_soul)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/37 "2018-03-12T16:59:05Z")
> [@x-ray\_vision](#): > > Suppose you want it to go further. Do you love it when a man asks “May I touch your breasts?” When I was in college, I regularly fooled around with a very attractive guy (in my opinion, he was the second hottest guy in my freshman class). He used to specifically ask me before he did anything: “Can I kiss you?” “Can I take your shirt off?” “Can I go down on you?” I loved that he asked, because it went a long way towards making me feel more comfortable with him, being able to trust that he wouldn’t take things further than I wanted. Being in college, I was used to men pushing the envelope until I told them no, and I felt much more relaxed knowing that I wouldn’t have to watch out for roaming hands or dicks. Any time I mentioned it to a friend, they thought it sounded weird. But to be honest, it \*does \*sound weird, and I only know I like it because I have actually been in that situation. It works better in practice than it sounds in theory. At least in my opinion. ---
**Author:** ![x-ray\_vision](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/x-ray_vision/32/351_2.png) [@x-ray\_vision](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/x-ray_vision)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/38 "2018-03-12T17:18:27Z")
> [@FloatyGimpy](#): > > Well I probably don’t need every detail asked about. I imagine “can I insert my penis into your vagina?” wouldn’t be all that much of a turn on 😃 I don’t think that would be much of a turn-on either. Many women find being asked to be kissed a turn-off too. It’s also awkward for many men rather than just going slow and working off of implied consent. But if a man should ask for permission to kiss, then verbal permission for each step after that should be at least as important. ---
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/39 "2018-03-12T17:22:19Z")
> [@x-ray\_vision](#): > > I don’t think that would be much of a turn-on either. Many women find being asked to be kissed a turn-off too. It’s also awkward for many men rather than just going slow and working off of implied consent. But **if a man should ask for permission to kiss** , then verbal permission for each step after that should be at least as important. Ah, but the question in the OP is “are you turned off” not “should a man ask for permission” Those are two very different things. I was only answering the OPs question. ---
**Author:** ![x-ray\_vision](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/x-ray_vision/32/351_2.png) [@x-ray\_vision](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/x-ray_vision)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/40 "2018-03-12T17:29:02Z")
> [@FloatyGimpy](#): > > Ah, but the question in the OP is “are you turned off” not “should a man ask for permission” Those are two very different things. That was the question asked in the title of the OP. Why he asked is probably due to the first sentence in the body of the OP: _“One problem I have with certain segments of the #MeToo movement is the idea that you need explicit verbal consent to initiate physical contact.”_ > [@](#): > > I was only answering the OPs question. Nppe, you were also answering the one I asked in post 33. 🙂 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428.md?page=3)