# Women: are you turned off if a man asks to kiss you? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 12, 2018, 12:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428 "2018-03-12T12:47:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Not\_a\_Platypus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d26b3c/32.png) [@Not\_a\_Platypus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Not_a_Platypus)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2018, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/61 "2018-03-13T00:40:28Z")
> [@x-ray\_vision](#): > > If it’s required before kissing, then it’s required before touching a breast, and then a thigh, and so on. > “Hey, I’m going to try to kiss you in the near future. I may then want to touch your breasts followed by other wants. Would you like me to ask before every move I make? Just checking, thanks. All of this assumes we’re going to have a second date. We’re going to, right?” > I assume “yes” when I’m getting the right signals as I mentioned in post 22. If a man is kissing a woman, he can slowly go from touching her shoulder to her breasts and a woman has plenty of time to say “no” or take his hand away. Asking verbally isn’t necessary and regardless of what some are saying in this thread, asking every step of the way is awkward and is going to be turn-off. I mean, sure, go ahead and make it as awkward as you want, I guess. I’m not sure why you think verbal consent needs to be this weirdly stilted conversation rather than a couple of people casually talking about what they want and how they prefer to be treated. And no, asking every step of the way is not required if you’re with someone that doesn’t require it. I see that mindset brought out by the anti-asking group pretty frequently, but I’ve honestly never seen anyone seriously advocate that it should be the norm. Usually what I do see people advocating is asking permission to initially touch or kiss someone, then checking in as things progress even with something as simple as “is this okay?” “does that feel good?” “do you want me to \_\_\_?”. None of those things need to break the mood or put a halt to everything, and it’s the sort of talking a lot of people do anyway without really thinking about it because they like hearing “yes that feels good”. It’s really just looking for positive consent, rather than just the absence of a no. Feel free to keep doing what works for you and hooking up with folks with the same preferences, but other people preferring to talk a little more and establish some boundaries doesn’t have to be weird. ---
**Author:** ![Tzigone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/839c29/32.png) [@Tzigone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tzigone)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2018, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/62 "2018-03-13T00:59:34Z")
> [@x-ray\_vision](#): > > Fantastic. I already mentioned there are people that agree with you. Others find it a turn-off, regardless of age. Okay, sure. But pretty much everything is considered to be a turnoff to someone. You weigh the balance - it is better to risk the turn off to do risk something someone isn’t comfortable with you doing. Even if they might not tell you they don’t like the thing you do (kissing or asking)? ---
**Author:** ![x-ray\_vision](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/x-ray_vision/32/351_2.png) [@x-ray\_vision](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/x-ray_vision)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2018, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/63 "2018-03-13T01:05:42Z")
> [@Tzigone](#): > > Okay, sure. But pretty much everything is considered to be a turnoff to someone. You weigh the balance - it is better to risk the turn off to do risk something someone isn’t comfortable with you doing. Even if they might not tell you they don’t like the thing you do (kissing or asking)? I already posted what I think is best. See posts 22 and 58. ---
**Author:** ![MonkeyCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e99b99/32.png) [@MonkeyCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MonkeyCat)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2018, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/64 "2018-03-13T01:49:53Z")
> [@Blalron](#): > > One problem I have with certain segments of the #MeToo movement is the idea that you need explicit verbal consent to initiate physical contact. I’m a man who honestly wouldn’t mind doing that. In fact, I’d be okay with signing a written notarized document if that’s what it took to get laid. > > My concern is that actually attempting to implement this ideal in the real world will lead to a lot of unnecessary rejections. I’ve heard anecdotally from women that they like a man who “just goes for it.” I worry that women who would otherwise find me attractive would be turned off by the timidity of verbally requesting a kiss, preferring to date a more assertive man. > > I’d like to hear feedback from women on this issue. I wouldn’t be turned off. I mean, if she wants to kiss you, you will probably still get a yes. However, responding to the topic as a whole, I am personally getting a little tired of people trying so damn hard to be politically correct. There actually does, in fact, exist an app that does, in fact, count as legal consent when used before sex. As far as I know, one does not exist as far as permission for one to subject another to the act of kissing. (Sorry for the verbiage, Ambivalid’s bad habits are rubbing off on me and I drank tonight. Woot!) Sorry. But yeah. Honestly, as a woman, if a woman is into you, you’re not going to fuck up by being cautious. You’re just not going to fuck up period. You could be like, “You know, koalas are aggressive when mating.” And she’d still be like, “Take me now!” If you’re in, you’re in. Hard truth no one will ever learn and will zoom right over: If you’re out, you’re out. Sorry guys. Friendzone is permanent shit. Anyways. Getting real here. People aren’t going to expect you to dot the line, show an std test, sign a document, etc if they’re dtf. I mean, developing sympathy skills is epic, and I hope people employ them by making their voices heard at the voting box, etc. But yeah. Nah. It won’t keep you from getting laid unless you never had a chance in the first place. She gon’ bang you. ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2018, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/65 "2018-03-13T02:00:48Z")
I’m male, but think you need consent to kiss a woman. Whether this is a turn off, can’t say. I have had good luck with “I would like to kiss you” and “You look like you would like to kiss me”. I wouldn’t start breaking out paperwork. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2018, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/66 "2018-03-13T02:16:15Z")
> [@tvaetbjorn](#): > > . . . > But yeah. Nah. It won’t keep you from getting laid unless you never had a chance in the first place. She gon’ bang you. Sorry. . [![](https://img.youtube.com/vi/9d6f9j7gAdY/hqdefault.jpg "How I Met Your Mother S05 E17 bang bang song") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9d6f9j7gAdY&t=22) ---
**Author:** ![MonkeyCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e99b99/32.png) [@MonkeyCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MonkeyCat)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2018, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/67 "2018-03-13T02:48:25Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > Sorry. > . > [https://youtu.be/9d6f9j7gAdY?t=22](https://youtu.be/9d6f9j7gAdY?t=22) HOIYM is real shit, bro. _bows down repeatedly_ ---
**Author:** ![Tee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/73ab20/32.png) [@Tee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tee)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2018, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/68 "2018-03-13T03:06:57Z")
> [@x-ray\_vision](#): > > Fantastic. I already mentioned there are people that agree with you. Others find it a turn-off, regardless of age. I’m sure, but the one you cited seems to be theorizing that it would be a turn-off, same as you’re doing. She doesn’t mention herself at all. ---
**Author:** ![x-ray\_vision](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/x-ray_vision/32/351_2.png) [@x-ray\_vision](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/x-ray_vision)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2018, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/69 "2018-03-13T03:19:48Z")
> [@Tee](#): > > I’m sure, but the one you cited seems to be theorizing that it would be a turn-off, same as you’re doing. She doesn’t mention herself at all. She says this: _“Imagine, you’re getting all heated and then it all stops just so you can check if what you’re doing is okay- such a mood killer.”_ It seems like she’s speaking from her own point of view. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2018, 7:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/70 "2018-03-13T07:15:07Z")
> [@x-ray\_vision](#): > > “Hey, I’m going to try to kiss you in the near future. I may then want to touch your breasts followed by other wants. Would you like me to ask before every move I make? Just checking, thanks. All of this assumes we’re going to have a second date. We’re going to, right?” This cracked me up. And I just loves me a man with a good sense of humor. May I [cyber] kiss you? ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2018, 12:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/71 "2018-03-13T12:12:48Z")
> [@tvaetbjorn](#): > > There actually does, in fact, exist an app that does, in fact, count as legal consent when used before sex. In fact, consent for sexual activity can be withdrawn at any time. In fact, no app can overrule that. ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2018, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/72 "2018-03-13T13:29:50Z")
> [@Dr\_Paprika](#): > > I’m male, but think you need consent to kiss a woman. Whether this is a turn off, can’t say. I have had good luck with “I would like to kiss you” and “You look like you would like to kiss me”. I wouldn’t start breaking out paperwork. “I would like to kiss you” works for me, but “You look like you would like to kiss me” seems odd to me for some reason. Maybe slightly arrogant? I don’t know. If it works, it works, but that’d probably have me scratching my head and wondering what wanting to kiss someone else looks like. Could be I’ve just been married so long that I’m used to having my my husband plant one on me when I’m walking by and saying, “I’m the answer to all your prayers, baby,” then me giggling like a teenager. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2018, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/73 "2018-03-13T13:36:59Z")
> [@Blalron](#): > > This is the dilemma that many men face. If we do ask for explicit verbal consent, the mere act of asking could cause us to be rejected as a romantic partner. If we don’t ask, we might get kicked in the balls. - sigh \* Ya know, there _is_ such a thing as personal pride. Males are allowed to decide what is and what is not beneath their dignity. I’ve been told (rather often) during the year-of-blogging that I’m not different, nothing special or unusual about me, I’m like other males, etc. Maybe the difference is that I’m not willing to crawl for sex. Yeah, you could always ask for explicit consent before kissing (& etc) and some opportunities would pass you by. You could go beyond that and always make sure there is reciprocal reaching out and atttempt-making and initiative-taking, and perhaps many more opportunities would pass you by. But you’d be on equal footing and could cease to feel like sex is a favor doled out to you by women. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2018, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/74 "2018-03-13T13:40:02Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > If a woman wants you to kiss her, you’ll know. If you’re not sure, wait until you are sure. If it never happens, it’s because she doesn’t want you touching/kissing her. If this has to be explained to an adult man, perhaps the problem isn’t with the woman’s inscrutability; perhaps the problem is you. Yeah, this too. Communication isn’t all verbal. Learning the other channels, especially on this subject matter, can take some time and experience. And it’s not just receiving; you learn how to transmit on those channels too. You can ask the explicit question nonverbally. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2018, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/75 "2018-03-13T13:45:48Z")
> [@overlyverbose](#): > > Could be I’ve just been married so long that I’m used to having my my husband plant one on me when I’m walking by and saying, “I’m the answer to all your prayers, baby,” then me giggling like a teenager. That made me laugh out loud. Thanks for sharing that. ---
**Author:** ![chaika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chaika/32/405_2.png) [@chaika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chaika)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2018, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/76 "2018-03-13T14:01:29Z")
Back in my dating days, I only encountered one man who asked in so many words if he could kiss me. Reader, I married him. I thought it was incredibly sweet that he asked (though the marriage took place years after that first kiss, I hasten to add). Other men ran the gamut from shy to more self-assured. I can’t say I preferred one approach over the other. And then there were the pushy, aggressive types who weren’t willing to take no for an answer. They may have felt they were being assertive he-men but they were just jerks. ---
**Author:** ![Fotheringay-Phipps](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/d9b06d/32.png) [@Fotheringay-Phipps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fotheringay-Phipps)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2018, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/77 "2018-03-13T15:41:06Z")
From the NYT: [How Does Submissive Sex Work in the Age of #MeToo?](https://www.nytimes.com/2018/03/12/style/submissive-sex-me-too.html) > [@](#): > > Did my secret desires make me a traitor to #MeToo and what it stands for? > > No, according to Michaela Boehm, a sex and intimacy therapist and psychologist; they make me pretty normal. > > Her 25 years as a counselor have taught her what many women and men privately know, but are now too afraid to admit — the same truth that the success of “Fifty Shades of Grey” tells: Many women like to be dominated in bed. “Not in their lifestyle, not in their career, but in the bedroom, many women would like to surrender,” Dr. Boehm said. This may explain why, on Amazon’s list of best-selling erotica — a medium that, unlike pornography, is mostly produced and enjoyed by women — themes of male dominance tend to, well, dominate. > [@](#): > > It’s an important, albeit privileged, conversation, but it’s also one that tends to ignore certain messy truths about sex — the fickleness and wide variability of female desire, for instance, or the inconvenient fact that good sex often defies logic, political values and social mores. > > This has put young feminists like Ms. Tallarico and Virginia Rand, a 24-year-old writer and actress in Los Angeles, in a tricky situation. Ms. Rand recalled one recent sexual encounter in which her partner asked for verbal consent “every step of the way.” > > A rape survivor, Ms. Rand is well versed in feminist theory; she understands just how important and vital a shift such behavior from a young man is > when it comes to casual sex. Yet, in practice, she had mixed feelings. “It’s difficult because on the one hand you’re like, ‘Dude, if I didn’t want it, I would stop you,’” she said. “On the other hand, that can be used against you if it was assault.” > > Ms. Rand is not the only one conflicted by the new standard of consent; men are, too. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2018, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/78 "2018-03-13T18:19:47Z")
This entire thread feels a bit like a discussion about subject matter the participants have little experience in. #metoo does not consist of a massively abstract gray area between sexual harassment / rape and normal courtship rituals. Wordlessly moving in for a kiss while on a date because you feel that it might be the right moment is not anywhere near the same thing as whipping your balls out in front of a coworker, taking advantage of a girl who is massively inebriated or “refusing to take no for an answer”. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2018, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/79 "2018-03-13T18:43:33Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > #metoo does not consist of a massively abstract gray area between sexual harassment / rape and normal courtship rituals. It does not entirely consist of that, no. But it is very much an element. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2018, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428/80 "2018-03-13T18:55:30Z")
> [@Blalron](#): > > This is the dilemma that many men face. If we do ask for explicit verbal consent, the mere act of asking could cause us to be rejected as a romantic partner. If we don’t ask, we might get kicked in the balls. This is really doesn’t strike me as that much of a dilemma. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-are-you-turned-off-if-a-man-asks-to-kiss-you/810428.md?page=5)