# Women Dopers - How Do you Read this Situation ? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 28, 2019, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-dopers-how-do-you-read-this-situation/844138 "2019-11-28T19:07:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Crafter\_Man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crafter_man/32/458_2.png) [@Crafter\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crafter_Man)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2019, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-dopers-how-do-you-read-this-situation/844138/21 "2019-11-29T17:43:18Z")
> [@Two\_Many\_Cats](#): > > Does your workplace actually care if any work gets done? I can’t imagine any office I’ve ever worked in being okay with a worker chit chatting away for hours on end in someone else’s office day after day. It happens every day at my workplace. We have a few people who do nothing but talk all day, every day. A couple of them report to me. They do not do any “real” work. They just talk, and talk, and talk… I learned the hard way that, if you report these people, _ **you** _ are the problem, and you will be told to take training classes. ☹ (Sorry for the hijack, but I’m still licking my wounds over it…) ---
**Author:** ![Two\_Many\_Cats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8dc957/32.png) [@Two\_Many\_Cats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Two_Many_Cats)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2019, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-dopers-how-do-you-read-this-situation/844138/22 "2019-11-29T18:18:49Z")
I guess there are some places like that. I’ve mostly worked in small offices with the Big Boss on the premises. The Big Boss can talk all day if he wants. You, peon, on the other hand… I’m still blown away that I’m allowed to listen to YouTube online as I work. But my work better be done, and done right. ---
**Author:** ![Les\_Espaces\_Du\_Sommeil](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/les_espaces_du_sommeil/32/308_2.png) [@Les\_Espaces\_Du\_Sommeil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Les_Espaces_Du_Sommeil)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2019, 8:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-dopers-how-do-you-read-this-situation/844138/23 "2019-11-30T08:29:00Z")
To be fair, her job involves meetings and presentations, which she does attend without fail and preparatory stuff, which she can do from home (and is also the reason she stays at work until very late). I’m sure she gets her work done. ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2019, 10:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-dopers-how-do-you-read-this-situation/844138/24 "2019-11-30T10:23:05Z")
> [@Les\_Espaces\_Du\_Sommeil](#): > > Yeah, overthinking has always been my problem. I’ll try and take it easy this time. Just ask her out. 🙂 > [@Les\_Espaces\_Du\_Sommeil](#): > > I must admit that I idly googled her name last week. Nothing out of the ordinary, almost exclusively her academic and work experience. No picture with “someone” either. See above advice. 😉 > [@Les\_Espaces\_Du\_Sommeil](#): > > Well, I may not have the chance to as she said she was going to have a lot of work soon and thus little time for our conversations, which she still wants to keep however. All you need is **one minute** : Her: Bonjour, Espace. Ca va bien? You: Look, here’s the thing. I really enjoy our chats. Would you like to come on a date with me? (then suggest something simple like coffee or visiting a museum…) ---
**Author:** ![bucketybuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/898d66/32.png) [@bucketybuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bucketybuck)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2019, 12:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-dopers-how-do-you-read-this-situation/844138/25 "2019-11-30T12:07:57Z")
My opinion is that she is using you, perhaps not consciously but using you all the same. She gets to flirt, chat, gets attention, support, all those nice little things that stroke the ego, but push come to shove she doesn’t actually want anything more than that. My guess is that if you actually asked her out she would dangle you along and there would probably be lots of deep and heartfelt conversations about conflicted emotions etc etc, but that it wouldn’t actually go anywhere. Of course, a more confident man wouldn’t care about my opinion and you shouldn’t either. Ask her out or don’t, its up to you, just don’t let her live rent free in your head for so long like you are doing. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2019, 12:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-dopers-how-do-you-read-this-situation/844138/26 "2019-11-30T12:20:56Z")
Anyone else got Bonnie Raitt’s “[Something To Talk About](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJ58TVYNFro)” going through their heads? 😃 > [@elbows](#): > > Confess your confusion in regards to her relationship status, and acknowledge you’re developing feelings for her. Ask for some clarity on her status. Be direct and ask if she’s just wanting a friendship or if there is any room for something else to develop. This. It’s time to find out if she’s available and interested, or not. If she is, time to take the romance offsite. If she’s not, I’d let her know that while you enjoy your professional relationship with her, she is _coming across_ as interested, and while you aren’t telling her to not come around, you’d like her to dial it back a bit. > [@ThelmaLou](#): > > Office romances are such a terrible idea. (Voice of experience.) When things go bad, you can’t avoid the person, and it’s just icky. There’s always that risk, of course, but my office is filled with married couples who met here. The main thing is to keep any relationship drama off the premises. ETA: > [@bucketybuck](#): > > Ask her out or don’t, its up to you, just don’t let her live rent free in your head for so long like you are doing. From the last paragraph of post #7, it sounds like this has all happened this month. If so, it hasn’t been _that_ long. But yeah, time to have that conversation and either turn it into something more, or something less. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2019, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-dopers-how-do-you-read-this-situation/844138/27 "2019-11-30T15:24:01Z")
> [@bucketybuck](#): > > … don’t let her live rent free in your head for so long like you are doing. I object to that characterization. She’s presumably listening to him, flattering him, paying attention to him, too. But yes, if you want more from this relationship, the time has come to clarify the situation. ---
**Author:** ![Esprise\_Me](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprise_me/32/2947_2.png) [@Esprise\_Me](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprise_Me)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2019, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-dopers-how-do-you-read-this-situation/844138/28 "2019-11-30T15:34:09Z")
I could swear I read almost this exact thread a few months ago, but now it’s gone. ---
**Author:** ![ZonexandScout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zonexandscout/32/544_2.png) [@ZonexandScout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZonexandScout)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2019, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-dopers-how-do-you-read-this-situation/844138/29 "2019-11-30T16:53:43Z")
Put me in the “just ask her out” bin. Having a serious talk abut “clarifying” the situation sounds like something from a bad rom-com. “Would you like to go out to dinner with me sometime?” will get you all the answers you need. If she declines, fine. No more really needs to be said. I’ve worked with many people to whom I have been attracted. Some of them gave indications that they wanted a meaningful FRIENDSHIP, and nothing more. Others would state, quite frankly, that they would like to, but they had other another relationship at the time. Finally, I married a co-worker (who, BTW, had been trying to set me up with her best friend…funny that). ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2019, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-dopers-how-do-you-read-this-situation/844138/30 "2019-11-30T18:19:16Z")
Maybe she just needs and wants a friend, and she has a naturally flirty manner around men and friendships. God knows I had that problem in my 20s. I would find a friend at work - male - someone I saw as a friend - maybe a mentor or father figure - he’d interpret my interest in him as romantic. Assume she wants a friend. At some point you can refer to your romantic interest in her in an indirect way “I’d ask you out if it weren’t for mystery man and us being coworkers …” and see how she reacts. She might react with “mystery man is over, and I don’t see why being coworkers should stop us” - or she might react with “oh…well, there is mystery man and we are coworkers” which you should interpret as “yeah, I’m not into you that way.” Or she might say the second and then ask you out in six months herself when she is in a different emotional space. ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2019, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-dopers-how-do-you-read-this-situation/844138/31 "2019-11-30T22:35:11Z")
Just. Ask. Her. Out. (cf. Gordian Knot) ---
**Author:** ![Esprise\_Me](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprise_me/32/2947_2.png) [@Esprise\_Me](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprise_Me)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2019, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-dopers-how-do-you-read-this-situation/844138/32 "2019-12-01T00:58:41Z")
> [@Esprise\_Me](#): > > I could swear I read almost this exact thread a few months ago, but now it’s gone. Thank God; I thought I was losing my mind. It came up in this thread last July: [https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=21733506&postcount=48](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=21733506&postcount=48) And therein references developments as far back as last November, with the implication being that it’s been going on longer than that. Dude. Just. Ask. Her. On. A. Date. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2019, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-dopers-how-do-you-read-this-situation/844138/33 "2019-12-01T01:33:49Z")
Don’t call it a date. Just ask her if she wants go do a happy hour with snacks, or get some dinner, after work. That way, if she’s been stringing you along and shuts you down, you’ll save face. ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2019, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-dopers-how-do-you-read-this-situation/844138/34 "2019-12-01T01:50:26Z")
> [@Esprise\_Me](#): > > Thank God; I thought I was losing my mind. It came up in this thread last July: > > [https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=21733506&postcount=48](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=21733506&postcount=48) > > And therein references developments as far back as last November, with the implication being that it’s been going on longer than that. > > Dude. > > Just. > > Ask. > > Her. > > On. > > A. > > Date. Seriously?? The same guy?? From FOUR MONTHS ago? 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Esprise\_Me](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprise_me/32/2947_2.png) [@Esprise\_Me](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprise_Me)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2019, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-dopers-how-do-you-read-this-situation/844138/35 "2019-12-01T02:25:52Z")
Actually, now that I reread the OP, it sounds like this is maybe a different woman? With whom OP is in the exact same situation? Hmmm. ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2019, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-dopers-how-do-you-read-this-situation/844138/36 "2019-12-01T03:20:26Z")
Is the OP writing a novel? ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2019, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-dopers-how-do-you-read-this-situation/844138/37 "2019-12-01T03:46:01Z")
> [@Esprise\_Me](#): > > Actually, now that I reread the OP, it sounds like this is maybe a different woman? With whom OP is in the exact same situation? Yes, in the exact same situation. > [@](#): > > Hmmm. You said it better than I could. I had a rather long reply typed out, but I’d like to hear an explanation first. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2019, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-dopers-how-do-you-read-this-situation/844138/38 "2019-12-01T03:50:18Z")
[From the linked thread](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=21733884&postcount=53): > [@](#): > > I also want to point out that I’ve never found myself in such a situation there. I’m definitely not known to hit on my colleagues. My workplace is about 70% female and it was the very first time in my 15+ years there that I thought “OK, something’s happening here.” Good to know that the pace has picked up considerable since then! ---
**Author:** ![Esprise\_Me](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprise_me/32/2947_2.png) [@Esprise\_Me](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprise_Me)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2019, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-dopers-how-do-you-read-this-situation/844138/39 "2019-12-01T04:06:40Z")
Wait a minute. As of this past August, OP had a wife? [https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=21803215&postcount=1](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=21803215&postcount=1) ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2019, 8:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-dopers-how-do-you-read-this-situation/844138/40 "2019-12-01T08:58:52Z")
> [@Esprise\_Me](#): > > Wait a minute. As of this past August, OP had a wife? > > [https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=21803215&postcount=1](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=21803215&postcount=1) They got married quickly! Then divorced! Then the next one came along! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-dopers-how-do-you-read-this-situation/844138.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-dopers-how-do-you-read-this-situation/844138.md?page=3)