# Women feeling the need to reference their boyfriends (to reassure themselves?) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 1, 2015, 11:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505 "2015-02-01T11:46:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2015, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/21 "2015-02-01T14:12:26Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > No, it’s actually what I said in the OP: I think she found _me_ attractive, that was apparent from some very subtle cues in her facial expression or whatever, and I tuned into that and may have also given subtle cues, resulting in the feeling of a “spark of attraction between us.” Then, she felt, probably on an unconscious level, a measure of guilt or something from that, and thus felt the need to reassure _herself_ that she was a good, loyal girlfriend by mentioning her man. That’s an…interesting theory. Women–and men–who want to make it clear they’re not available may mention a significant other in order to make it clear that nothing’s going to happen. It can be a nice, nonawkward way to convey, “Hey, I’m not available, but thanks.” I’m not really sure where all the reassuring herself or projection is coming from, since you yourself said there was a spark. To be honest, the OP seems more like projection. That is, “I wasn’t attracted to her–she was attracted to ME. Mentioning her boyfriend was just a signal of the unconscious guilt I induced in her.” ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2015, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/22 "2015-02-01T14:20:00Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > To be honest, the OP seems more like projection. That is, “I wasn’t attracted to her–she was attracted to ME. Mentioning her boyfriend was just a signal of the unconscious guilt I induced in her.” Guys, it’s not all that complex. Some people seem to want to see me as moronic in this. Well, I think we’re all at least a bit moronic when it comes to relationships and dating, so I will cop to that. But let me make it clearer, if possible: 1. Women (and apparently men) _do in fact_ mention an SO to prevent or stop getting hit on. 2. I wasn’t hitting on her. 3. She mentioned her boyfriend in a seemingly (but not definitively) gratuitous manner, in a way similar to #1. 4. So we can theorize as to what was going on: A. She really thought I was hitting on her or was about to hit on her and was engaging in #1. B. She really was talking about her dad and boyfriend in the context of T-shirt usage. C. She was engaging in the phenomenon I speculate about in the OP. I don’t _know_. I thought it would be an interesting thing to talk about. And many of you have raised good points. ---
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2015, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/23 "2015-02-01T14:44:12Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > Guys, it’s not all that complex. Some people seem to want to see me as moronic in this. Well, I think we’re all at least a bit moronic when it comes to relationships and dating, so I will cop to that. But let me make it clearer, if possible: > > 1. Women (and apparently men) _do in fact_ mention an SO to prevent or stop getting hit on. > > 2. I wasn’t hitting on her. > > 3. She mentioned her boyfriend in a seemingly (but not definitively) gratuitous manner, in a way similar to #1. > > 4. So we can theorize as to what was going on: > > A. She really thought I was hitting on her or was about to hit on her and was engaging in #1. > B. She really was talking about her dad and boyfriend in the context of T-shirt usage. > C. She was engaging in the phenomenon I speculate about in the OP. > > I don’t _know_. I thought it would be an interesting thing to talk about. And many of you have raised good points. Your 3rd option doesn’t seem to make any sense. Either they were preemptively rejecting you, or casually mentioning their significant other. Where does the gratuitousness come in? Mentioning you went to Harvard out of the blue can be gratuitous. Mentioning your 100 foot sailboat for no reason can be gratuitous. How is bringing up the people you see every single day of your life ever gratuitous? I can’t think of a way to construe telling you her boyfriend also wears male yoga pants while you’re trying on male yoga pants is gratuitous. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2015, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/24 "2015-02-01T14:46:03Z")
You seem prone to having ‘sizzle’ between you and the sales staff now! (And I think we all know a guy like that!:D) Also it’s hard to discuss interpreting another’s actions, as in someway all about you, and not come off as a titch self absorbed. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2015, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/25 "2015-02-01T14:52:53Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > No, it’s actually what I said in the OP: I think she found _me_ attractive, that was apparent from some very subtle cues in her facial expression or whatever, and I tuned into that and may have also given subtle cues, resulting in the feeling of a “spark of attraction between us.” Then, she felt, probably on an unconscious level, a measure of guilt or something from that, and thus felt the need to reassure _herself_ that she was a good, loyal girlfriend by mentioning her man. > > It’s one theory. It’s also plausible that she brought up her dad and boyfriend because she really wanted to give pass along their endorsement of the particular T-shirt. > > And it’s also plausible that my eyes went really wide unbeknownst to myself, and she was preemptively nuking getting hit on. I think it’s the “eyes went really wide unbeknownst to myself” that is the point I am trying to make. You seem to be thinking that a girl only lets a guy know she’s attached to “nuke getting hit on” as if getting hit on is bad or something. I am suggesting it’s more “to avoid misunderstandings that might make someone feel bad”. I think this is how a lot of women think about it–“I don’t want to lead him on”, not “I need to make sure to shut him down early”. > [@Aeschines](#): > > I posted something like that?! Broadly. You complained how a woman did not make her “attached” status known to you, potentially leading to later embarrassment on your part. ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2015, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/26 "2015-02-01T14:58:59Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > I think it’s the “eyes went really wide unbeknownst to myself” that is the point I am trying to make. You seem to be thinking that a girl only lets a guy know she’s attached to “nuke getting hit on” as if getting hit on is bad or something. I am suggesting it’s more “to avoid misunderstandings that might make someone feel bad”. I think this is how a lot of women think about it–“I don’t want to lead him on”, not “I need to make sure to shut him down early”. I recognize your point. I have _no problem_ with women doing that, and I agree that it can be, perhaps usually is, the kind thing to do. I am theorizing about another possibility here, and I’m pretty sure that it _does_ happen. > [@](#): > > Broadly. You complained how a woman did not make her “attached” status known to you, potentially leading to later embarrassment on your part. C’mon, reading comprehension. There are people who actively _hide_ their relationship status for various reasons. I am not talking about someone who failed to say, “I have a boyfriend.” I’m talking about a married woman who doesn’t wear a ring and who has posted conflicting stuff on her Facebook page. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2015, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/27 "2015-02-01T15:18:29Z")
Women in retail get hit on, consantly. It’s a nonstop barrage. And sometimes it gets gross and sometimes it get scary. There are people who cross the line, and it happens on a near-daily basis. Retail workers are paid to smile and be nice, and are figuratively (and sometimes literally) stuck in a corner. Some guys get off on making uncomfortable sexual comments to women who cannot respond negatively. Others are genuinely clueless and believe that the fake-o retail smile is a genuine sign on interest. So yeah, she probably wasn’t interested in you. And no, she probably was more likely to be insta-rejecting you than mulling over her powerful attraction to you. ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2015, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/28 "2015-02-01T15:22:05Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Women in retail get hit on, consantly. It’s a nonstop barrage. And sometimes it gets gross and sometimes it get scary. There are people who cross the line, and it happens on a near-daily basis. I haven’t heard that from women I know who work in retail, but it’s plausible. > [@](#): > > And no, she probably was more likely to be insta-rejecting you than mulling over her powerful attraction to you. So presumably she’s insta-rejecting every guy who comes into the store with a story about her boyfriend? ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2015, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/29 "2015-02-01T17:04:12Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > > [@](#): > > > > People who are in **NEW** relationships can’t go five minutes without referencing those relationships in a conversation. > > FIFY. 🙂 A couple months or years from now, she will be saying, “Uhh, my boyfriend,” in a disgusted tone. Yeah, I’m cynical for sure. > > Then again, the frequency of mentioning will probably be the same, so you’re still right! Modifying quotes is very much [against the rules](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=7697048#post7697048) here. Don’t do this again. No warning issued. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2015, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/30 "2015-02-01T17:35:11Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > OK, here’s the phenomenon: I am in Lululemon, seeking to use a gift card. A sales gal, probably around 30, comes up to me and is selling in a very friendly, bubbly way. IOW, “doing her job” as a saleswoman. > [@Aeschines](#): > > But I _do_ think there was a spark of attraction between us. You know, sometimes you just feel “it” in the air. “It” being a “sale”? > [@Aeschines](#): > > So she’s taking me and the prospective garment back to the fitting rooms, Wait…and she didn’t blow you?😕 > [@Aeschines](#): > > and she says (gratuitously in my view), “Yeah my dad and my boyfriend really like to wear these.” Now, since you weren’t there, you can speculate that she said it because she had a reason to talk about her boyfriend, and you _may_ be correct, Or because that is the sort of thing you say to someone when you’re selling a product. > [@Aeschines](#): > > I have a couple other examples. Once I was at the same mall (though this was years ago), Do all these examples take place in a retail store? ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2015, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/31 "2015-02-01T18:01:06Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > I haven’t heard that from women I know who work in retail, but it’s plausible. From this [article](http://thinkprogress.org/economy/2014/08/13/3470632/urban-outfitters-sexual-harassment/): > [@](#): > > Those in retail may face even more difficult situations. A 2002 study in Canada found that harassment for these workers doesn’t just come from coworkers, but from customers, as it did for Swiderski, which constitutes a “significant problem.” **A majority of women in retail said they had been sexually harassed by customers on the job, but given that companies are focused on satisfying the customer, women face constraints in how they can handle it and many are reluctant to bring it up.** > > Examples of sexual harassment in retail abound. A class action lawsuit against the country’s largest jeweler alleged not just widespread gender discrimination in pay and promotions, but at least six incidents of sexual harassment. Walmart recently settled a case, while one was brought against Starbucks in May and another was brought against an upscale handbag company. That’s just a sampling of recent cases, with many more likely filed against retail employers. Bolding mine. ---
**Author:** ![Inna\_Minnit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Inna\_Minnit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inna_Minnit)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2015, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/32 "2015-02-01T18:09:47Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > No, it’s actually what I said in the OP: I think she found _me_ attractive, that was apparent from some very subtle cues in her facial expression or whatever, and I tuned into that and may have also given subtle cues, resulting in the feeling of a “spark of attraction between us.” Then, she felt, probably on an unconscious level, a measure of guilt or something from that, and thus felt the need to reassure _herself_ that she was a good, loyal girlfriend by mentioning her man. Yeah. Keep telling yourself that. As a woman, at work, just doing my job, if I feel the need to bring up my boyfriend and my father, I’m probably feeling the creeper vibe coming off the dude. ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2015, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/33 "2015-02-01T19:35:12Z")
> [@Inna\_Minnit](#): > > Yeah. Keep telling yourself that. As a woman, at work, just doing my job, if I feel the need to bring up my boyfriend and my father, I’m probably feeling the creeper vibe coming off the dude. Yeah, I was breathing heavily, looking at shirts, just giving up that creeper vibe when she came up to me. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2015, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/34 "2015-02-01T21:15:49Z")
More likely she was getting a creeper vibe because she sensed you thought there was ‘sizzle’, where she was just doing her job. Being smiling and affable. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2015, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/35 "2015-02-01T21:20:41Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > Yeah, I was breathing heavily, looking at shirts, just giving up that creeper vibe when she came up to me. Some guys don’t have to try that hard. They just got it naturally. ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2015, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/36 "2015-02-01T21:24:12Z")
I think it’s rather uncool that I (and presumably others) can’t post something like this and have my observations taken at face value but instead am doused with implications that I’m a creeper, etc. Indeed, if I said I did something you find objectionable, by all means tell me so. But I didn’t do anything out of the ordinary, and I act with respect toward women, so I think people are just being negative and invalidating because they can. But such is the Internet. I expected a bit better from the SDMB. ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2015, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/37 "2015-02-01T21:28:18Z")
And some people have respectfully told me ways in which I may have been incorrect in my perceptions which is also fine. I appreciate those comments. ---
**Author:** ![BOOM](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c4cdca/32.png) [@BOOM](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BOOM)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2015, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/38 "2015-02-01T21:40:12Z")
Fwiw, in social conversations I find the word ‘boyfriend’ usually gets added around about the 4th or 5th sentence. Up to that point it’s just shop/random place chat, but if it’s going to be a conversation … ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2015, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/39 "2015-02-01T21:41:00Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > I think it’s rather uncool that I (and presumably others) can’t post something like this and have my observations taken at face value but instead am doused with implications that I’m a creeper, etc. > > Indeed, if I said I did something you find objectionable, by all means tell me so. But I didn’t do anything out of the ordinary, and I act with respect toward women, so I think people are just being negative and invalidating because they can. But such is the Internet. I expected a bit better from the SDMB. Dude, people have given you a range of responses. Including responses that validate your observation that women reference a SO as a defense mechanism. But you’re choosing to make it all about _you_ and your attractiveness. Another explanation is that some women do this _just in case_ you mistake her bubbly, cheerful salemanship for sexual flirtation. At least the first example provided in the OP indicates that the sales clerk made the right decision. Perhaps she’s used to male customers misinterpreting the “spark” in the air, and she’s come up with the boyfriend thing to keep things professional. I think the flak you’ve gotten stems from your inability to see something so glaring. ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2015, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/40 "2015-02-01T21:51:21Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > I think the flak you’ve gotten stems from your inability to see something so glaring. Duuuude, it’s not that hard to understand. I get it. I appreciate the respectful responses. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505.md?page=3)