# Women feeling the need to reference their boyfriends (to reassure themselves?) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 1, 2015, 11:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505 "2015-02-01T11:46:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2015, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/41 "2015-02-01T22:56:36Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > And some people have respectfully told me ways in which I may have been incorrect in my perceptions which is also fine. I appreciate those comments. It’s a thread about women behaving in a way you don’t understand, even though admittedly you provided some conjecture. Then, based on what you’ve written in the actual thread, most people who’ve responded seem to have interpreted your attitude differently than you wanted to be perceived. Perceptions varied, but I don’t think anybody believes you just thought it was “funny” or were unperturbed by it, even though you keep pleading insouciance. In short, I think this is a case of being so bad at interpreting and understanding other people’s behavior and your own that you have no idea how bad you are at it. ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2015, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/42 "2015-02-01T23:26:41Z")
> [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](#): > > In short, I think this is a case of being so bad at interpreting and understanding other people’s behavior and your own that you have no idea how bad you are at it. Um, yeah, whatever. Neg on. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2015, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/43 "2015-02-01T23:36:32Z")
Really, I think it’s just a habit. And I see no reason to be offended by it. Heck, I can remember back when I used to frequent strip clubs nearly 20 years ago, strippers would casually mention their BF as their gyrating their woman bits in front of your face. What annoys me is women on message boards and the like who feel they have to incorporate their BF’s name into their screen handle, like “Jason’sgirlfriend” or whatever. Although, it’s been awhile since I’ve seen that, so maybe that’s a trend young women are moving away from. ETA: I think part of the reason the OP is getting flak is because of the way he worded his thread title. It’s a little condescending. ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2015, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/44 "2015-02-01T23:40:09Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > Really, I think it’s just a habit. And I see no reason to be offended by it. > > Heck, I can remember back when I used to frequent strip clubs nearly 20 years ago, strippers would casually mention their BF as their gyrating their woman bits in front of your face. Haha, that’s funny. That’s an interesting data point, and I appreciate it. Always more to learn… ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2015, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/45 "2015-02-01T23:47:36Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > ETA: I think part of the reason the OP is getting flak is because of the way he worded his thread title. It’s a little condescending. That’s probably true. One must control every nuance lest the “angry people” appear… ---
**Author:** ![salinqmind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3ec8ea/32.png) [@salinqmind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/salinqmind)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2015, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/46 "2015-02-02T00:34:19Z")
Years ago I wanted to sell some speakers, cheap, just to get rid of them. Put an ad in the local alternative rag and got a nibble. I put the speakers in my car trunk and a hippie from the university area met me at my car to take a look. I was dressed to kill for work, he was typical: shabby, dusty, sandals, granny glasses, long pony tail, beard. Nice enough guy, we talked for a few minutes about music and some local bands. I put off a cautiously friendly vibe, never once mentioning any men in my life. He decided he didn’t want to buy the speakers - so it goes. As he got in his car he turned and said to me, “you’re a really cute chick, but I think we might be too different, so I’m NOT going to ask you out. Sorry, but that’s how I feel. Later!” and off he went, and I’m standing there going 😕 what was THAT all about? Still laugh about my missed opportunity all these years later. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2015, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/47 "2015-02-02T00:38:41Z")
> [@salinqmind](#): > > As he got in his car he turned and said to me, “you’re a really cute chick, but I think we might be too different, so I’m NOT going to ask you out. Sorry, but that’s how I feel. Later!” and off he went, and I’m standing there going 😕 what was THAT all about? Still laugh about my missed opportunity all these years later. :smack: Yeah, talk about a gratuitous comment! This would be what I’m talking about coming from the male side: projecting some sort of interest coming from you that he feels compelled to reject. Oh well, people are weird, that’s for sure. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2015, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/48 "2015-02-02T01:00:32Z")
So, you can perceive how interested she is in you, but you, with your inscrutable demeanor, are completely not giving anything away even though you are the only one reporting that you were actually feeling anything. And she must have been mentioning her boyfriend (and her father?) because she wanted to assuage her own guilt and feel better about herself. And you were irked because she shut you down when you were putting out signals, but they were weak, dammit, and somehow neutral at the same time. You’ve gotten this more than once, although sometimes women deliberately hide their relationship status, too. And you’re “frustratedly single” and you’ve “put up with a lot of women’s BS over the years with respect to dating” and you’re “kinda over it all.” I’ll definitely agree that the explanation is pretty simple. ---
**Author:** ![BOOM](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c4cdca/32.png) [@BOOM](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BOOM)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2015, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/49 "2015-02-02T01:01:51Z")
I really don’t think a lot of you guys are getting it. Most women mention boyfriends early to avoid potential later awkwardness and/or to end a conversation that was maybe heading the wrong way. We live in a world where finger rings don’t tell the whole story. It’s just a way of telling you … ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2015, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/50 "2015-02-02T01:04:15Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > So, you can perceive how interested she is in you, but you, with your inscrutable demeanor, are completely not giving anything away even though you are the only one reporting that you were actually feeling anything. And she must have been mentioning her boyfriend (and her father?) because she wanted to assuage her own guilt and feel better about herself. And you were irked because she shut you down when you were putting out signals, but they were weak, dammit, and somehow neutral at the same time. You’ve gotten this more than once, although sometimes women deliberately hide their relationship status, too. And you’re “frustratedly single” and you’ve “put up with a lot of women’s BS over the years with respect to dating” and you’re “kinda over it all.” > > I’ll definitely agree that the explanation is pretty simple. Thanks for the maximally negative interpretation of everything you read here. You have been selected as the New Christ of relationship analysis. ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2015, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/51 "2015-02-02T01:10:45Z")
I’m not going to take the comments personally, though. A guy wrote a post on Salon recently about a failed relationship, and he was absolutely _crucified_ in the comments. Same kind of thing: interpreting everything he said in the worst way possible and painting him as the biggest loser on planet earth, worthy of being pounded into the dirt and pissed on by cackling tormenters. What I’ve experienced here is very mild in comparison. So I guess people should never open up about their experiences online, since people have learned how to make great sport of it, always in a negative direction. I will say this, however: no matter how great a loser someone seems to be online, people who take the time to kick him or her in the ribs are bigger losers yet. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2015, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/52 "2015-02-02T01:13:41Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > I’m not going to take the comments personally, though. A guy wrote a post on Salon recently about a failed relationship, and he was absolutely _crucified_ in the comments. Same kind of thing: interpreting everything he said in the worst way possible and painting him as the biggest loser on planet earth, worthy of being pounded into the dirt and pissed on by cackling tormenters. What I’ve experienced here is very mild in comparison. Well, I’m glad you have a sense of perspective! ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2015, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/53 "2015-02-02T01:17:36Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > Well, I’m glad you have a sense of perspective! How clever you are, judging people online. You may now return to your rich, fulfilling life. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2015, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/54 "2015-02-02T01:26:59Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > How clever you are, judging people online. You may now return to your rich, fulfilling life. I know that you feel like you are under some horrible attack, but really it’s just that I think your interpretation of events is probably incorrect. ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2015, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/55 "2015-02-02T01:28:01Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > I know that you feel like you are under some horrible attack, but really it’s just that I think your interpretation of events is probably incorrect. OK, cool. Why not just say that in a cool way, then? You came here to snark and be superior. Does that reflect well on _you_? No. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2015, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/56 "2015-02-02T01:49:38Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > OK, cool. Why not just say that in a cool way, then? You came here to snark and be superior. Does that reflect well on _you_? No. I think they reflect fine, actually. ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2015, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/57 "2015-02-02T01:54:02Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > I think they reflect fine, actually. Then that’s your handicap in life. ---
**Author:** ![Helena330](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helena330/32/531_2.png) [@Helena330](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena330)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2015, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/58 "2015-02-02T03:56:00Z")
> [@Eliahna](#): > > As a gal, I feel you don’t understand female behavior or motivations nearly as well as you think you do. Sometimes our fathers and boyfriends just wear these too. Yup. I figured she was just trying to sell a shirt (or whatever). ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2015, 6:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/59 "2015-02-02T06:50:37Z")
It happens in same-sex relationships as well. My partner is 20 years younger than I am, and taller and thinner as well. His life is just one continuum of people (of both sexes) coming on to him, and he’s always referring to me as “my partner” more than is strictly necessary. You’d think that would discourage people from coming on to him, but amazingly often, it doesn’t. ---
**Author:** ![actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e79b87/32.png) [@actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/actualliberalnotoneofthose)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2015, 7:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505/60 "2015-02-02T07:17:00Z")
In my interactions it does seem to me that women only make it a habit to mention their boyfriends when I feel some attraction there (and they certainly shouldn’t be perceiving it from my end). I’m also picturing a woman’s boyfriend and dad wearing yoga pants (because I’d never heard of this company being associated with anything else). [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-feeling-the-need-to-reference-their-boyfriends-to-reassure-themselves/711505.md?page=4)