# Women: Is this a mature way of handling this particular situation in public? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 24, 2019, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010 "2019-04-24T19:32:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2019, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/22 "2019-04-25T18:13:37Z")
> [@Doctor\_Jackson](#): > > If so, then is there a social situation where it would be OK for you to begin a 1-on-1 conversation with a male that you do not know? My read of that is that unsolicited approaches can be met with a range of responses; from active reciprocity to curt dismissal. It is entirely on the person doing the unsolicited approach to accept whatever response is offered and either respond accordingly/move along. No one can/should expect people to avoid talking to them in a public place, but also no one should expect that the object of their attention owes them a rat’s ass. You makes your move, you takes your chances. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2019, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/23 "2019-04-25T18:30:32Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > Out of curiosity, what sort of mistakes could a guy make that would lead you to end your conversation with him? > > - use of the wrong pronoun > - overly aggressive with the bartender > - wrong color socks with the rest of his outfit > - carrying condoms in his shirt pocket > - wearing a MAGA hat > - FaceTiming with his mother in the background > - takes his wedding ring off because he forgot to before he left home > [@Kimstu](#): > > Guessing that you’re a man who has not personally seen how scary some men can get when they receive a direct statement that their attentions are unwanted. > > It’s a Catch-22 setup for women. If they talk to a guy or act friendly then they’re “leading him on”. If they don’t want anything to do with him then they’re “overreacting” or “being a bitch”. > > That’s why there’s no hard-and-fast rule about how a woman should behave to a strange man who approaches her, and trying to impose one by implying that alternative responses are “immature” isn’t going to fly. These … Look, I was in a bar band and we played everything from biker bars where they had chicken wire in front of the stage to keep us from being hit by beer bottles, to upscale ‘live act bar venues’ catering to college kids and yuppies wanting alt rock instead of dance tunes … way it normally went was we would show up after work, around 6 pm or so, set up and do a sound check then hang out eating pub grub/local fast food, playing the video games and drinking. Almost invariably as ‘that’s the chick with the band’ status seemed to confer ‘slut who is available for the asking’ status on me no matter how I acted. [And I will say, the bikers and scum at the low end bar were better able to understand the word NO than the yuppies and yuppie larvae at the upscale places] I would tell a guy not interested, refuse a sent over drink or note, whatever the first salvo was. I would get the guy strolling or leaning over to hit on me a second time, where I would be ‘firmer’ [no, what part of no don’t you understand? I am here for a gig, and that is it, not picking up random guys.] and if that didn’t work I would tend to throw my drink in his face to get yelled at and threatened … at which point I would not so gently either knee them in the balls r kneecap them with a good solid shot from steel capped work sneakers. At which point, the bouncer would haul them away and toss them out. I have had better luck being left alone in a pick up meat market bar than at a freaking ChiChi or TGIFridays … [what can I say, there were 3 bars near one apartment, a ChiChi, a TGIF and a pick up joint, the drinks at the pick up joint were cheaper but you could get decent grub at the other 2 places. … had to decide drink and be left alone or get chow and annoyed most of the evening] mrAru and I used to go for cheep beer and wings night [wednesday] at Fort Story’s enlisted club, and it had strippers and I could sit without getting hit on all evening, but go to that Irish ‘pub’ at Waterside and spend the night fending off businessmen with entitlement issues … ---
**Author:** ![septimus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/septimus/32/410_2.png) [@septimus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/septimus)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2019, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/24 "2019-04-25T18:49:32Z")
> [@Ann\_Hedonia](#): > > Hell yes. See, I’m totally fine with a living a life in which I never met you. This temporal fantasy of yours means absolutely nothing to me, since you are and will always be a complete and total stranger to me. You need to heal from the heartbreak I inflected by crushing approximately 5 seconds worth of hopes and dreams and move on with your life. And maybe someday you will even love again. That was you, wasn’t it, **Ann** , so many decades ago on a fine spring day in Golden Gate Park. Remember me? I was standing near the kids with their hula hoops and the hippies blowing bubbles, pretending not to stare at you. Hardly a month goes by that I don’t recall, with a bitter-sweet twinge of unsated longing, that glimpse from so long ago. And no, it wasn’t just five seconds of hopes and dreams. I waited almost a minute for you to run over and embrace me. I think you smiled back at me! I would have called out to you, but you were almost a hundred yards away. And I didn’t know what to say. So … after all these years you have nothing more to fear from me. Tell me, tell me truly, was that you? Did you yearn for me as I yearned — and still yearn — for you? ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2019, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/25 "2019-04-25T18:52:29Z")
> [@sta3535](#): > > Nice Guys in a nutshell I’ve read your reply several times now, and I still don’t understand the point you’re trying to make with it, especially as you quoted ioioio’s post to make it. Do you care to elaborate? ---
**Author:** ![sta3535](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/da6949/32.png) [@sta3535](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sta3535)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2019, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/26 "2019-04-25T19:28:46Z")
> [@kenobi\_65](#): > > I’ve read your reply several times now, and I still don’t understand the point you’re trying to make with it, especially as you quoted ioioio’s post to make it. Do you care to elaborate? This should explain it in more detail: > **[Urban Dictionary: Nice Guy](https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Nice%20Guy)** > > Nice Guy: Not to be confused with a nice guy (that is, a male that is nice)- When used as a noun instead of an adjective, Nice Guy refers to people (men or women) who believe basic social expectations are currency for sex. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2019, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/27 "2019-04-25T19:33:08Z")
> [@Doctor\_Jackson](#): > > As one who is both married and male, I ask for clarification out of curiosity as opposed to education: > If I take those words at face value I get the impression that there is never a social situation where you find it acceptable for a man unknown to you to begin a conversation with just you (as opposed to addressing conversation to you but as part of a larger “mingle” group at a party, for instance). If so, then is there a social situation where it would be OK for you to begin a 1-on-1 conversation with a male that you do not know? > No judgement either way, but it seems like either I’m missing some context or if everyone followed this philosophy it would be exceeding difficult to meet anyone of the opposite sex. > > [sub]Doctor Jackson, experienced in the field in question but with a with a 35+ year gap on his dating resume[/sub] In a nutshell, friendly people being friendly is very different than someone strategically chatting a woman up because he are trying to fill the “girlfriend” slot, or even just because talking to pretty girls makes his dick twitch. Some people are much more likely to talk to strangers and relative strangers in general–they strike up conversations in line at the grocery store, at their kid’s t-ball game, in the break room at work. Other people don’t. If you are the sort of person who talks to people, it’s fine to talk to women you find attractive in the same way you talk to anyone else. But if you are the sort of person who generally avoids social interaction in public, who wouldn’t strike up a conversation with a male stranger because you aren’t interested in what they have to say and can’t imagine why they would be interested in what you have to say, then when you start a conversation with a woman, it feels gross. It feels like “I can’t imagine you’d have anything to offer me if it weren’t for the possibility of a romantic relationship.” ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2019, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/28 "2019-04-25T19:33:45Z")
> [@Telemark](#): > > My read of that is that unsolicited approaches can be met with a range of responses; from active reciprocity to curt dismissal. It is entirely on the person doing the unsolicited approach to accept whatever response is offered and either respond accordingly/move along. No one can/should expect people to avoid talking to them in a public place, but also no one should expect that the object of their attention owes them a rat’s ass. Yup. Outside of public places, there’s the concept that “the roof constitutes the introduction”. As in, if you are both acquainted with the owner(s) of the roof then you are officially not total strangers to each other. Thus, for example, people who are guests at the same party (where both of them were invited to be there by the host of the party whom they know personally) should be prepared to socialize like casual acquaintances even if they have never previously met. So my suggestion for those who want to meet new people without the risk of getting rebuffed like an unsolicited approach from a stranger in a public place is: _find more roofs_. Namely, go to parties or events hosted by a person or group you know, rather than just trying to strike up conversations with random strangers out in public. Or start throwing parties yourself and ask some of your guests to bring along a friend. Meeting strangers is more comfortable in an environment where you have at least nominally some kind of shared background. ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2019, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/29 "2019-04-25T19:34:53Z")
> [@sta3535](#): > > This should explain it in more detail: > > [Urban Dictionary: Nice Guy](https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Nice%20Guy) Thank you, and yes, I think that’s a big chunk of the problem. ---
**Author:** ![RaftPeople](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/6f9a4e/32.png) [@RaftPeople](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RaftPeople)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2019, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/30 "2019-04-25T20:20:06Z")
Lloyd Christmas: What are the chances of a guy like you and a girl like me… ending up together? Mary Swanson: Not good. Lloyd Christmas: Not good like one in a hundred? Mary Swanson: I’d say more like one in a million. Lloyd Christmas: So you’re telling me there’s a chance? (from Dumb and Dumber) ---
**Author:** ![Ann\_Hedonia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ann_hedonia/32/319_2.png) [@Ann\_Hedonia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ann_Hedonia)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2019, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/31 "2019-04-25T21:40:32Z")
> [@septimus](#): > > That was you, wasn’t it, **Ann** , so many decades ago on a fine spring day in Golden Gate Park. Remember me? I was standing near the kids with their hula hoops and the hippies blowing bubbles, pretending not to stare at you. Hardly a month goes by that I don’t recall, with a bitter-sweet twinge of unsated longing, that glimpse from so long ago. And no, it wasn’t just five seconds of hopes and dreams. I waited almost a minute for you to run over and embrace me. > > I think you smiled back at me! I would have called out to you, but you were almost a hundred yards away. And I didn’t know what to say. > > So … after all these years you have nothing more to fear from me. Tell me, tell me truly, was that you? Did you yearn for me as I yearned — and still yearn — for you? Yes, that was me. You are remembering it wrong, though …it was Central Park. I’m sure it was you, though. I saw you notice me from across the Great Lawn. I was immediately paralyzed by the onslaught of my desire. Alas, by the time I recovered the moment had past and I found myself bereft with loss. I have thought of you every day - and night::::wink wink:::: since our brush with destiny. I lost the ability to experience the hopes and dreams of brief yet fateful encounters and became a heartless shell of a woman who refuses to give random men a “chance”. 😃 > [@Kimstu](#): > > Yup. Outside of public places, there’s the concept that “the roof constitutes the introduction”. As in, if you are both acquainted with the owner(s) of the roof then you are officially not total strangers to each other. > > Thus, for example, people who are guests at the same party (where both of them were invited to be there by the host of the party whom they know personally) should be prepared to socialize like casual acquaintances even if they have never previously met. > > So my suggestion for those who want to meet new people without the risk of getting rebuffed like an unsolicited approach from a stranger in a public place is: _find more roofs_. > > Namely, go to parties or events hosted by a person or group you know, rather than just trying to strike up conversations with random strangers out in public. Or start throwing parties yourself and ask some of your guests to bring along a friend. Meeting strangers is more comfortable in an environment where you have at least nominally some kind of shared background. Yes, there is a big difference between starting a conversation at a social event and talking up a random stranger in a public place. Now, I am actually a highly socialized person, I enjoy casual conversation and “small talk” and I’m good at it. I really don’t object to much if someone tries to start a conversation with me in a public place as long as they shut up graciously if I don’t respond. What I hate is any sign of aggression or pushiness if I fail to respond. This all too commonly takes the form of him asking me why I won’t give him a chance. And I have good radar. I can sense if the person intends to hit on me, often before they even speak. And I usually just want to shut that down fast. ---
**Author:** ![MoonMoon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moonmoon/32/2959_2.png) [@MoonMoon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MoonMoon)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2019, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/32 "2019-04-25T22:17:13Z")
> [@Doctor\_Jackson](#): > > (snip) > No judgement either way, but it seems like either I’m missing some context or if everyone followed this philosophy it would be exceeding difficult to meet anyone of the opposite sex. > > [sub]Doctor Jackson, experienced in the field in question but with a with a 35+ year gap on his dating resume[/sub] When I’m out in public I’m just trying to live my life, not desperately searching for a romantic partner. I’ll happily chat with anyone who is chatting with me, the person, and not me, the blue eyes or nice ass. My looks are the least interesting part of me, and your (the general your) horndogginess is the least interesting part of you. Now, in a nightclub (which I haven’t done since my early 20s) I suppose you have to accept some level of being hit on. Like others have said above, the reaction to that has a lot to do with my perception of him, and whether he might get ugly. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2019, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/33 "2019-04-25T22:20:40Z")
> [@Ann\_Hedonia](#): > > Yes, that was me. You are remembering it wrong, though …it was Central Park. I’m sure it was you, though. I saw you notice me from across the Great Lawn. I was immediately paralyzed by the onslaught of my desire. Alas, by the time I recovered the moment had past and I found myself bereft with loss. I have thought of you every day - and night::::wink wink:::: since our brush with destiny. I lost the ability to experience the hopes and dreams of brief yet fateful encounters and became a heartless shell of a woman who refuses to give random men a “chance”. 😃 > . You win the internet today. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![begbert2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/begbert2/32/3357_2.png) [@begbert2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/begbert2)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2019, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/34 "2019-04-25T22:22:08Z")
Good god, I’m cringing at the thought of walking up and hitting on a random woman in the supermarket, or a theater, or on the street. They’re _doing things!_ They’re not there to get hit on! They have other things on their minds! But then I flatter myself to think I have at least a tiny iota of decency and decorum, so there you go. Just a tiny tiny iota, but that’s enough to keep me out of other people’s business. ---
**Author:** ![sta3535](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/da6949/32.png) [@sta3535](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sta3535)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2019, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/35 "2019-04-26T01:42:41Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > Yup. Outside of public places, there’s the concept that “the roof constitutes the introduction”. As in, if you are both acquainted with the owner(s) of the roof then you are officially not total strangers to each other. > > Thus, for example, people who are guests at the same party (where both of them were invited to be there by the host of the party whom they know personally) should be prepared to socialize like casual acquaintances even if they have never previously met. > > So my suggestion for those who want to meet new people without the risk of getting rebuffed like an unsolicited approach from a stranger in a public place is: _find more roofs_. > > Namely, go to parties or events hosted by a person or group you know, rather than just trying to strike up conversations with random strangers out in public. Or start throwing parties yourself and ask some of your guests to bring along a friend. Meeting strangers is more comfortable in an environment where you have at least nominally some kind of shared background. You just read my mind, and the classic stereotype of men talking to women just to get with them is false. However, every guy is different: flirting vs. talking about the weather. Now, I’ll talk to anyone, but if I had a preference, I’d rather talk to women SLIGHTLY more than men during social events. Also, it’s quite rare to see women approaching men, but it’s still a possibility, depending on the situation. On an extra note, it’s crazy to see the amount of strangers meeting each other for the first time, especially at college parties. ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2019, 5:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/36 "2019-04-26T05:34:05Z")
> [@sta3535](#): > > You just read my mind, and the classic stereotype of men talking to women just to get with them is false. The fact that the stereotype isn’t universally accurate doesn’t mean it’s false. The experiences of the women who’ve posted on your thread here (and in many other discussions here on this board), as well as the “Nice Guy” link you shared earlier, show that, yes, in fact, there _are_ a significant number of guys who do exactly that, and who do it often enough that many women have a whole lot of stories about it happening to them. ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2019, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/37 "2019-04-26T13:25:11Z")
Thanks to all who responded to my request for clarification. The additional context helped immensely and makes perfect sense. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2019, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/38 "2019-04-26T14:15:26Z")
> [@Doctor\_Jackson](#): > > Thanks to all who responded to my request for clarification. The additional context helped immensely and makes perfect sense. I want to add another caveat: really, no one should strike up a conversation with a stranger in a situation where they can’t leave. Next to you on crowded public transportation. Working retail. In an elevator. I think there’s a type of guy who would never get ugly, so he just doesn’t think in terms of making a woman feel threatened. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2019, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/39 "2019-04-26T14:44:23Z")
One very basic truth in all of this is to trust your instincts. If a guy seems creepy to you, go with the idea that he is probably creepy. And anyone who tries to turn your clearly stated NO! into a yes should be gotten away from immediately. ---
**Author:** ![Hermitian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hermitian/32/470_2.png) [@Hermitian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hermitian)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2019, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/40 "2019-04-26T15:22:52Z")
All all I have to say is that I am SO glad I am married. The complexities of male-female romantic interaction are now complicated beyond description. From what I can tell, as a guy, you should never approach or talk to a woman. You will be instantly assumed to be an asshole. ---
**Author:** ![Slash1972](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slash1972/32/6461_2.png) [@Slash1972](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slash1972)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2019, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/41 "2019-04-26T16:55:28Z")
> [@Hermitian](#): > > From what I can tell, as a guy, you should never approach or talk to a woman. You will be instantly assumed to be an asshole. Why would you approach a woman who has shown absolutely no interest in you at all and start talking to her? THAT seems weird to me. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010.md?page=3)