# Women: Is this a mature way of handling this particular situation in public? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 24, 2019, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010 "2019-04-24T19:32:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Bear\_Nenno](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bear_nenno/32/3358_2.png) [@Bear\_Nenno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bear_Nenno)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2019, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/62 "2019-05-23T15:32:13Z")
> [@sta3535](#): > > When a guy approaches you at a bar, club, or party, and you’re not interested, how would you handle it? > > Would you talk to him for a few minutes, then excuse yourself to the “bathroom” or to “find your friends”? Or would you be blunt and give it to him straight? > > IMO, I believe that the first method is the best way to handle a situation like this: by letting down a guy slowly instead of overreacting too quickly, unless if the guy makes you feel uncomfortable or continues to bother you. But, if he simply approaches you in a calm manner, then you may give him a chance, depending on the situation. > > However, if the convo becomes socially awkward or if the guy makes a mistake, then you’ll probably excuse yourself from talking to him. And if the guy continues to insist, then telling him to back off is necessary. Even then, a direct statement towards a guy is still the mature thing to do. No matter how nice or polite you think you are being, no one is _obligated_ to speak to you, or even to listen to what you have to say. For some reason, you believe that girls are obligated to “talk to [you] for a few minutes”. That is a very entitled, sexist view you have, and you might want to reconsider it. _Why_ do you have this belief? Imagine how many guys might come up to that same girl on any given night. Is she obligated to talk to all of them for “a few minutes”?? Shouldn’t she get to decide how she wants to spend her valuable time? Trust me when I say that she knew whether or not she wanted to hear what you have to say well before you even opened your mouth. You should be thankful to be told sooner than later. Even only “a few minutes” later. ---
**Author:** ![johnod](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/dc4da7/32.png) [@johnod](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/johnod)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2019, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/63 "2019-05-23T15:43:40Z")
[QUOTE=Kimstu;2161102 There, there. What you’re encountering is simply your first recognition that women are **always** having to confront the possibility that the male stranger who’s approaching or talking to them may be an asshole, and quite possibly a dangerous asshole. You were generally shielded from this knowledge in the past because our culture socializes women to try not to make men feel bad, and not to hurt their egos by candidly saying things like _“Look, I really have no way of knowing whether or not you’re a dangerous asshole, and nothing about you is attracting me enough to suggest you’re worth taking that risk for, so leave me alone”_.[/QUOTE] Yes. yes it’s a dangerous jungle out there, men are all predators ,and women all prey. Yes we’re all out there lurking about with our clubs, knuckles dragging on the ground looking for some woman to hit in the head and drag back to the cave. It is so dangerous out there I’m surprised so many women have survived, and yet there you all are. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2019, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/64 "2019-05-23T16:01:30Z")
> [@johnod](#): > > Yes. yes it’s a dangerous jungle out there, men are all predators ,and women all prey. Very few people are saying anything like that. What they are saying is that enough men are dangerous and enough women have been attacked/raped/killed that women are wise to act accordingly. It’s a game of numbers, are you willing to bet your life? ---
**Author:** ![Helena330](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helena330/32/531_2.png) [@Helena330](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena330)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2019, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/65 "2019-05-23T16:26:34Z")
> [@johnod](#): > > Yes. yes it’s a dangerous jungle out there, men are all predators ,and women all prey. > Yes we’re all out there lurking about with our clubs, knuckles dragging on the ground looking for some woman to hit in the head and drag back to the cave. > It is so dangerous out there I’m surprised so many women have survived, and yet there you all are. :smack: No one said that. Women have to be careful because of the assholes who will stalk, rape, or worse. Why not be part of the solution and help women feel more comfortable, which includes not :smack: at our concerns? ---
**Author:** ![Poysyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Poysyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poysyn)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2019, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/66 "2019-05-23T16:57:18Z")
> [@sta3535](#): > > Question for Women: > > Would you label a man as a creep/weirdo for no reason at all, just because you weren’t interested or didn’t like him? For no reason? No. There is always a reason, and it is never “He is just not attractive to me.” I used to try and make a point of being nice when I used to turn people down - I also at least once got tripped down a small set of steps after doing so - some people do not react well. Yes, we realize it is not all men, but every single one of us has stories like this, so we can get a little leery after a while. ---
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2019, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/67 "2019-05-23T17:29:00Z")
> [@johnod](#): > > It is so dangerous out there I’m surprised so many women have survived By that sentence construction, it seems like you’re aware many others _haven’t_, in fact, “survived”. 'nuff said. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2019, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/68 "2019-05-23T17:34:53Z")
Why do men think saying NO is unacceptable and a total rejection of anyone male? If a woman is not interested, just give up and walk away. Don’t think you have the powers to turn that NO into a yes. ---
**Author:** ![Bear\_Nenno](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bear_nenno/32/3358_2.png) [@Bear\_Nenno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bear_Nenno)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2019, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/69 "2019-05-23T17:46:38Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > Why do men think saying NO is unacceptable and a total rejection of anyone male? If a woman is not interested, just give up and walk away. Don’t think you have the powers to turn that NO into a yes. Annie, don’t you mean _some_ men? Would you ask something like, “Why do black men think…” or “Why do Mexican men think…”? If not, then why do you flagrantly group _all_ men together with such a question? ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2019, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/70 "2019-05-23T17:51:40Z")
My bad. I meant some men. The ones that think if I’m not interested, it’s a total rejection of all mankind. ---
**Author:** ![BeeGee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b5a626/32.png) [@BeeGee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BeeGee)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2019, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/71 "2019-05-23T18:23:03Z")
> [@begbert2](#): > > As a person who has never once in my life been inside a bar, it’s my understanding that bars are, in general, considered to be a place where people who _do_ want to hook up go in order to do so. So while they might not be interested, it’s not considered inappropriate to politely ask. > > A person buying tomatoes, on the other hand, is _not_ on the prowl and it would be unambiguously inappropriate to even ask. If a bar becomes too uncomfortable of an environment due to creeps you can just stop going to the bar, but everybody needs groceries and it would be horrible to make a woman feel she couldn’t even buy food in peace. Oh sweet baby Jesus, NO NO NO. People go to bars to meet friends from out of town, because it’s where they meet up Friday after work, because they can watch a sport of their choice with like-minded fans, because it’s a central location to congregate before dinner or a show, because it’s a good place to after the show to discuss it, because it’s Tuesday, or just because they feel like having a beer. Assuming that a person who is in a bar is open to being picked up OR that a person in a bar should EXPECT to be hit on is wrong and insulting. A slippery slope leading to “well, she was asking for it”. And for the OP, no, I wouldn’t label a man a creep just because I’m not interested, but it’s one of the main reasons I’m not interested in the first place. Ranks right up there with poor hygiene, bad manners, and batshit insanity. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2019, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/72 "2019-05-23T18:26:42Z")
Well, she was in a _bar_, officer. Obviously, she wanted a pickup and so I gave her what she wanted. It wasn’t rape. Try using that defense. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2019, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/73 "2019-05-23T18:32:33Z")
> [@johnod](#): > > Yes. yes it’s a dangerous jungle out there, men are all predators ,and women all prey. > Yes we’re all out there lurking about with our clubs, knuckles dragging on the ground looking for some woman to hit in the head and drag back to the cave. > It is so dangerous out there I’m surprised so many women have survived, and yet there you all are. :smack: Way to miss the point. A few men are predators. Maybe 5% of men. All women are their prey, though. So almost all women take precautions and are picky about interacting with men they don’t know. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2019, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/74 "2019-05-23T19:03:42Z")
> [@begbert2](#): > > A person buying tomatoes, on the other hand, is _not_ on the prowl and it would be unambiguously inappropriate to even ask. If a bar becomes too uncomfortable of an environment due to creeps you can just stop going to the bar, but everybody needs groceries and it would be horrible to make a woman feel she couldn’t even buy food in peace. On grocery stores, now wait a second. I was watching a show once where it showed single women where to find eligible men and one place they suggested was grocery stores. The thought was it was mostly the wives at the grocery store and if they saw a man there there was a good chance he was single. Unless of course he was buying diapers or tampons. So if he looked attractive, why shouldnt a woman try and strike up a conversation? I think they suggested something like approaching a guy who seemed confused about tomatoes and making a suggestion. ---
**Author:** ![Slash1972](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slash1972/32/6461_2.png) [@Slash1972](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slash1972)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2019, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/75 "2019-05-23T19:20:25Z")
Because that’s women approaching guys in a grocery store. And if the guy turns her down, chances are low that she will stalk him out of the store and rape him in the back of a van in the parking lot. Hasn’t happened to me yet, but I’m still hoping. ---
**Author:** ![carrps](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carrps/32/2957_2.png) [@carrps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carrps)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2019, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/76 "2019-05-23T19:31:44Z")
Surprised the Margaret Atwood quote hasn’t been cited yet. “Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.” #NotAllMen, but enough that it has to be a conscious thought all the damn time. ---
**Author:** ![sta3535](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/da6949/32.png) [@sta3535](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sta3535)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2019, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/77 "2019-05-23T19:53:36Z")
> [@Bear\_Nenno](#): > > No matter how nice or polite you think you are being, no one is _obligated_ to speak to you, or even to listen to what you have to say. For some reason, you believe that girls are obligated to “talk to [you] for a few minutes”. That is a very entitled, sexist view you have, and you might want to reconsider it. _Why_ do you have this belief? Imagine how many guys might come up to that same girl on any given night. Is she obligated to talk to all of them for “a few minutes”?? Shouldn’t she get to decide how she wants to spend her valuable time? Trust me when I say that she knew whether or not she wanted to hear what you have to say well before you even opened your mouth. You should be thankful to be told sooner than later. Even only “a few minutes” later. Talking for a few minutes would be easier for the woman if she isn’t strong enough to end the convo quickly, only if she’s alone in that moment. She may be afraid of aggressive reaction if the man keeps pursing, which is why you should never go to a bar, club, or party alone. Furthermore, what if your friends wanna stay in, but you don’t, would they let you go, if you really wanted to? I feel like this is slightly gendered IMO because my friends always told me that I had always had a choice and that they would support my decision either way (meeting up with them later or going out with someone else). Overall, your friends will always back you up if they think something bad’s about to happen, no matter what. However, it all depends on what works better for you: letting a man down slowly or an immediate shutdown. On an extra note, if I was a woman, then I’d feel uncomfortable as well if random guys tried to hit on me, unless if we agree to be friends only. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2019, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/78 "2019-05-23T20:38:37Z")
> [@sta3535](#): > > Talking for a few minutes would be easier for the woman if she isn’t strong enough to end the convo quickly, only if she’s alone in that moment. She may be afraid of aggressive reaction if the man keeps pursing, which is why you should never go to a bar, club, or party alone… Uh, what you are missing is that there are some women who are approached by TONS of men. Just as most men aren’t predators, most women don’t have this problem. But the one you want to approach – the odds are decent that she does, because whatever attracted you to her attracted every other guy to her. So no, it’s not “easier” to take a few minutes to talk to the guy. It’s freaking exhausting. And she has no obligation to do it. She doesn’t owe all those men some of her time just because she looks pretty and approachable. And by “you should never go anywhere alone” you mean “women shouldn’t go anywhere alone”, I assume. Thanks, love you, too. ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2019, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/79 "2019-05-23T21:35:20Z")
> [@puzzlegal](#): > > Way to miss the point. > > A few men are predators. Maybe 5% of men. All women are their prey, though. So almost all women take precautions and are picky about interacting with men they don’t know. And what lots of “nice guy” men can’t seem to understand is that men don’t come with a bright flashing label that tells women which men are going to shrug their shoulders and walk away, and which will turn out to be the aggressive assholes. You might know that you’re not a psycho, but how is the woman you’ve been chatting up for five seconds supposed to know that? ---
**Author:** ![Bijou\_Drains](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bijou_drains/32/2814_2.png) [@Bijou\_Drains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bijou_Drains)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2019, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/80 "2019-05-23T21:58:09Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > Why do men think saying NO is unacceptable and a total rejection of anyone male? If a woman is not interested, just give up and walk away. Don’t think you have the powers to turn that NO into a yes. Some Rom-coms show men turning the no to a yes. So that could be why men think that happens. ---
**Author:** ![BeeGee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b5a626/32.png) [@BeeGee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BeeGee)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2019, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010/81 "2019-05-23T22:12:33Z")
> [@sta3535](#): > > Talking for a few minutes would be easier for the woman if she isn’t strong enough to end the convo quickly, only if she’s alone in that moment. She may be afraid of aggressive reaction if the man keeps pursing, which is why you should never go to a bar, club, or party alone. > > Furthermore, what if your friends wanna stay in, but you don’t, would they let you go, if you really wanted to? I feel like this is slightly gendered IMO because my friends always told me that I had always had a choice and that they would support my decision either way (meeting up with them later or going out with someone else). > > Overall, your friends will always back you up if they think something bad’s about to happen, no matter what. However, it all depends on what works better for you: letting a man down slowly or an immediate shutdown. > > On an extra note, if I was a woman, then I’d feel uncomfortable as well if random guys tried to hit on me, unless if we agree to be friends only. Jesu Cristo! Look. First, women may certainly go to a bar or a movie or anywhere else that men or couples go. Just like most men aren’t predatory or creeps or just plain nuts, most women do NOT get hit on constantly. You keep wanting to make some sort of rule that when you approach a woman she must “be strong enough to end the conversation” (wtf btw???) and not consider you a player or a creep, but agree to be friends. Or something. OK, there aren’t any rules. Understand? You are not owed an explanation. If a woman chooses not to talk to you it could be she doesn’t like what you’re saying, how you look, the color of your shirt, your cologne or lack thereof, your height or your tattoos (or lack thereof). It may be a jealous boyfriend is watching. It may be a jealous girlfriend is watching. A vow of silence. She doesn’t understand English. She’s deaf and blind. It’s Wednesday. Or just a gut instinct that with any kind of encouragement at all, you’re going to stick to her like taffy on grandma’s molars. It can be a justifiable rational decision. It can be a capricious whim. It. Doesn’t. Matter. You are not owed an explanation. Or a smile. Or a conciliatory “oh, let’s just be friends” statement. I wish I could see your style in action. I have a sneaking suspicion it would be pretty obvious what the problem is right away. Like maybe the fact that you’re going out and talking to women with the specific intent of hooking up or at least starting a romantic encounter instead of getting to know them as people you enjoy being around. That’s certainly the vibe you give off in these threads. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-is-this-a-mature-way-of-handling-this-particular-situation-in-public/833010.md?page=5)