# Women making the first move **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 15, 2010, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-making-the-first-move/529117 "2010-02-15T20:53:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2010, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-making-the-first-move/529117/21 "2010-02-15T23:12:48Z")
Please, if you want to ask, do so. Why deny your power? Besides, most of the time us nerdy types have NO IDEA that you are actually interested. (Of course, all of the above goes for us too…) ---
**Author:** ![Sofis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Sofis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sofis)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2010, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-making-the-first-move/529117/22 "2010-02-15T23:24:59Z")
I have a profile on a dating site (OkCupid) but I have never really gotten into the habit of actively seeking relationships, so the contacts I have had through this site have been instances of women contacting me rather than the other way around. And out of the women that have contacted me, I am currently in a relationship with fully 25% of them. This is not the kind of success rate you can argue with. So making the first move is clearly a good idea. ---
**Author:** ![PunkyPoo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/6bbea6/32.png) [@PunkyPoo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunkyPoo)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2010, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-making-the-first-move/529117/23 "2010-02-15T23:42:24Z")
If women didn’t ask out men, I’d have never had a date. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2010, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-making-the-first-move/529117/24 "2010-02-15T23:44:33Z")
Breaking, It depends on the kind of relationship and man you want. It seems like asking a man out would turn off two types of men (there might be other types) : 1. men who are fond of traditional gender roles. If you want such a relationship, it’s a bad idea to ask a man out. 2. Men who like “the hunt”. It seems like a man who likes chasing women will keep liking it when he’s in a relationship and is likely to get bored. Good if you want an open relationship. Bad if you don’t. So it comes down to: Would you want a relationship with a man who doesn’t want a woman to make the first move? If you wouldn’t like that, then it’s a non-problem. Note that it’s possible a man would be taken aback by being asked out, it doesn’t mean there’s offense, more a “wait, what’s going on?” moment, since it’s unusual. Keep in mind that most men are bad at reading subtle hints. So you might have to do a balancing act between “overt enough that he gets it” and “not crass”. ---
**Author:** ![Geek\_Mecha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecae2f/32.png) [@Geek\_Mecha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Geek_Mecha)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2010, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-making-the-first-move/529117/25 "2010-02-15T23:47:08Z")
> [@breaking-reality](#): > > I was actually told by one guy after asking him out that he preferred to be the one who initiated or was ‘in charge’. I was kinda surprised too since whatever I suggested had been super casual, like ‘let’s have coffee’, not ‘please let me bear your children’. Either he was interested but couldn’t shake free of the I-prefer-to-be-in-charge mindset long enough to accept a spontaneous date, or he wasn’t interested at all and lied about why he was turning you down. Neither is a sign of good dating material. I’m batting about .700, for what it’s worth. Rejection happens, it sucks, but at least you don’t spend months passively pining away for someone. ---
**Author:** ![Valgard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/7feea3/32.png) [@Valgard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Valgard)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2010, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-making-the-first-move/529117/26 "2010-02-16T00:47:31Z")
As a guy I love it when a woman asks me out. It doesn’t threaten me or throw me into a tizzy over gender roles or anything like that. Let’s face it, there is something very nice about having someone tell you that you are attractive and someone asking you out on a date is doing just that. If the guy isn’t getting the hint, go ahead and make the first move. ---
**Author:** ![Todderbob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e47774/32.png) [@Todderbob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Todderbob)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2010, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-making-the-first-move/529117/27 "2010-02-16T00:57:12Z")
Make the first move. C’mon, just do it. It’s a refreshing thing. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2010, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-making-the-first-move/529117/28 "2010-02-16T01:25:03Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > It depends on the kind of relationship and man you want. It seems like asking a man out would turn off two types of men (there might be other types) : I think there are guys who are pretty progressive and think they’d be okay with women being forward, or even swear they’d love it if women were more forward when it comes to asking guys out or having NSA sex, but find themselves turned off when it actually happens. It’s disappointing for the woman, and often for the guy, but I feel like it’s the sort of thing you can’t really know until it happens IRL. Lame sexist tradition is hard to completely shed, even if you’re not reading Jane Austen every day and wouldn’t peg yourself as conservative. Same for women who run their own companies and want an equal playing field then find themselves wanting to, say, have a man order for them at dinner. Not that you aren’t right – if a woman is the type to ask a man out, she likely won’t be dating a man who’s a staunch conservative when it comes to gender roles – but sometimes people surprise even themselves. ---
**Author:** ![breaking-reality](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a8b319/32.png) [@breaking-reality](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/breaking-reality)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2010, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-making-the-first-move/529117/29 "2010-02-16T01:37:36Z")
> [@Geek\_Mecha](#): > > Either he was interested but couldn’t shake free of the I-prefer-to-be-in-charge mindset long enough to accept a spontaneous date, or he wasn’t interested at all and lied about why he was turning you down. Neither is a sign of good dating material. > > I’m batting about .700, for what it’s worth. Rejection happens, it sucks, but at least you don’t spend months passively pining away for someone. Yeah, it definitely wasn’t a good match. We had met through a mutual friend and also lived a couple hours away from each other, so I suppose that could have been it, too. Either way it didn’t work out and things still worked out for the best. You win some, you lose some. It certainly hasn’t jaded me from making the first move, my nerves alone can do that, though. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![breaking-reality](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a8b319/32.png) [@breaking-reality](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/breaking-reality)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2010, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-making-the-first-move/529117/30 "2010-02-16T01:40:52Z")
> [@Cat\_Fight](#): > > I think there are guys who are pretty progressive and think they’d be okay with women being forward, or even swear they’d love it if women were more forward when it comes to asking guys out or having NSA sex, but find themselves turned off when it actually happens. It’s disappointing for the woman, and often for the guy, but I feel like it’s the sort of thing you can’t really know until it happens IRL. Lame sexist tradition is hard to completely shed, even if you’re not reading Jane Austen every day and wouldn’t peg yourself as conservative. Same for women who run their own companies and want an equal playing field then find themselves wanting to, say, have a man order for them at dinner. > > Not that you aren’t right – if a woman is the type to ask a man out, she likely won’t be dating a man who’s a staunch conservative when it comes to gender roles – but sometimes people surprise even themselves. I think a lot of it can depend on the individuals in a relationship, too, as far as gender roles. I have been with guys who brought out my more forward/aggressive side, and on the flip side I’ve also been with people who had me feeling much more cautious and reserved. Not to say that either was better, honestly, but I think overall I’m looking for a better balance of things. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2010, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-making-the-first-move/529117/31 "2010-02-16T01:44:45Z")
As a guy, I can tell you no guy who is at all attracted to a woman is going to be put off her making the first move. It’s not like they’re going to turn down Scarlett Johannson because she’s “too aggressive.” If anything, it’s a relief to a lot of guys to be relieved of that anxiety of making the first move. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2010, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-making-the-first-move/529117/32 "2010-02-16T02:10:07Z")
> [@breaking-reality](#): > > Inspired by this thread: [Asking someone out - In My Humble Opinion - Straight Dope Message Board](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=552148) > > I’m curious what everyone thinks about women making the first move, or asking a guy out first. It should be required, if not by law then at least by strong social custom. > [@](#): > > I have been lectured by some of my friends to never make the first move and ask a guy out directly, that if he’s interested he’ll ask first. Obtain less stupid friends when you get a chance. Reasons that FOR A FEMALE being asked BY A MALE might be annoying and/or intimidating: • unspoken physical threat. person asking is probably larger and stronger and in some environments could be felt as a threat even if none were made • happens too often. women are too often pestered by men for one form or another of sexual attention (ranging from date me to fuck me now) and it has to be a bit annoying after awhile • ‘nip it in the bud’ reaction. in light of the above, any such attention that the recipient does not actively want to continue and increase in intensity may cause her to try to react in such a way as to slam the door on that possibility just on the offchance that to not do so will mean a harder time stopping it later. • conflicting modes issue. in light of all of the above, if your usual way of ‘being in the world’ w/regards to the opposite sex has a lot of wariness stirred in, watching for danger, you have less left over to evaluate whether or not someone making overtures is attractive or interesting. You can’t make a similar list of how and why a MALE being asked by a FEMALE would be intimidating or annoying without drawing upon rather silly and condescending notions of how our minds are put together. ---
**Author:** ![septimus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/septimus/32/410_2.png) [@septimus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/septimus)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2010, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-making-the-first-move/529117/33 "2010-02-16T02:17:21Z")
> [@breaking-reality](#): > > Ha ha, ditto. I have a thing for geeks/nerds, I cannot deny it. Of course, I am also fairly nerdy myself, but I’m bold enough to risk rejection to make the first move, as long as they can keep up with me from there. 😉 Since you’re nerdy you may laugh at a recent, relevant joke from another SDMB thread (Civil Guy posted it in message 11964723). I found it hilarious: [SPOILER]The nerdy guy goes into a bar, orders two martinis and sips one of them for most of the evening. The bartender eventually asks, whats up with the second one? The nerdy guy says “The universe works on pure chance. It’s conceivable that the atoms in the atmosphere could spontaneously rearrange themselves into a beautiful woman sitting on the barstool next to me, so then I’d have a drink ready for her.” The bartender points to the two ladies having a girls-night-out at the other end of the bar. “Why don’t you buy a drink for one of them, instead? They might come by and say hi.” The nerdy guy says “Yeah, right. What’s the chance of that?”[/SPOILER] ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2010, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-making-the-first-move/529117/34 "2010-02-16T02:19:32Z")
> [@melodyharmonius](#): > > I’ve heard way too many guys bemoan the fact that they later found out a girl was interested in them but they had no idea. Guys will be the first to admit that they can be clueless about the things us gals consider “big hints.” And even if they do get the hint, they will talk themselves out of believing that it really WAS a hint. All too often I’ve found that the “cluedropper” wasn’t being sincere, and would inevitably give you the “Oh, I have a boyfriend, but thanks for asking” after flirting with me for a fortnight (like at work or whatever). ---
**Author:** ![kapri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4491bb/32.png) [@kapri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kapri)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2010, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-making-the-first-move/529117/35 "2010-02-16T02:38:06Z")
> [@melodyharmonius](#): > > Ask! > > I did - and now I’m with the cutest, most wonderful man - we celebrate 2 years next month. > > I’ve heard way too many guys bemoan the fact that they later found out a girl was interested in them but they had no idea. Guys will be the first to admit that they can be clueless about the things us gals consider “big hints.” And even if they do get the hint, they will talk themselves out of believing that it really WAS a hint. > > It’s a strange, crazy world. But a heck of a lot more fun if you don’t wait around for someone else to ask you to dance. Just dance and let them dance along. I asked my ex-husband out first, and we were married for 12 years, so I guess it worked out up to a point. Since that divorce though (my second), I’ve gotten funny about dating. I used to be a lot braver and more forward, but nowadays I figure if a man is interested, he’ll ask. Some do. I don’t date much these days, but I’m very okay with that. ---
**Author:** ![kapri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4491bb/32.png) [@kapri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kapri)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2010, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-making-the-first-move/529117/36 "2010-02-16T02:51:20Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > As a guy, I can tell you no guy who is at all attracted to a woman is going to be put off her making the first move. It’s not like they’re going to turn down Scarlett Johannson because she’s “too aggressive.” > > If anything, it’s a relief to a lot of guys to be relieved of that anxiety of making the first move. How do you know when a guy is interested, though? I am absolutely clueless about that sort of thing. The last guy I dated told me he’d noticed me for months but didn’t think I’d go out with him, and that he never expected me to agree to go out with him but figured he’d ask anyway. I never would have guessed this–we worked near each other and barely acknowledged each other’s existence. In my age group (middle-aged), most men are not available, which is why I don’t ask them out. In every case where I’ve been attracted to a man, he’s had a committed partner, been gay, or was a casual dater (which is fine until you want more and they don’t). ---
**Author:** ![gonzomax](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e8c25b/32.png) [@gonzomax](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gonzomax)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2010, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-making-the-first-move/529117/37 "2010-02-16T02:52:37Z")
I always liked it when a woman made move first. I have never had a problem with that at all. It saves a lot of game playing. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2010, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-making-the-first-move/529117/38 "2010-02-16T03:02:19Z")
> [@kapri](#): > > How do you know when a guy is interested, though? I am absolutely clueless about that sort of thing. It’s not like guys are any less in the dark when it comes to asking out women so join the club. The statistics are on your side, though. The odds of a guy being interested in just about any woman are probably better than even, even if they hadn’t given a particular woman any thought before. ---
**Author:** ![Caveat\_lector\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea5d25/32.png) [@Caveat\_lector\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caveat_lector_1)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2010, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-making-the-first-move/529117/39 "2010-02-16T03:40:25Z")
I agree with **Dio**. In my case at least I need a concrete reason to say no rather than a reason to say yes. Any random woman off the street would at least get an agreement to a coffee or a casual dinner barring some immediately obvious reason why it wouldn’t work. Also I’d love to be asked out by a woman (never have been though). I’m not afraid to do the asking and will do so, but it’d be a nice change of pace and a major complement even if I had to decline for some reason. ---
**Author:** ![dukette71](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8edcca/32.png) [@dukette71](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dukette71)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2010, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-making-the-first-move/529117/40 "2010-02-16T04:05:50Z")
> [@breaking-reality](#): > > Inspired by this thread: [Asking someone out - In My Humble Opinion - Straight Dope Message Board](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=552148) > > I have been lectured by some of my friends to never make the first move and ask a guy out directly, that if he’s interested he’ll ask first. And yet I’ve had other friends who tell me this is a silly old fashioned tradition and women should feel comfortable making the first move and asking someone out. > > Thoughts? watch out for confusing how things “should” be with how things are. You will find that men treat you differently if they didn’t have to make much effort. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-making-the-first-move/529117.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-making-the-first-move/529117.md?page=3)