# Women who plan their wedding before there is a groom. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 3, 2011, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-who-plan-their-wedding-before-there-is-a-groom/569991 "2011-02-03T05:33:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![StusBlues](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@StusBlues](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StusBlues)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2011, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-who-plan-their-wedding-before-there-is-a-groom/569991/21 "2011-02-03T20:15:51Z")
> [@Rigamarole](#): > > Yes, and yes. It’s fucking terrifying. I overheard a girl once on the bus talking to her friend about how she had to get married by the time she’s a certain age (I think it was 24 or 25, something pretty young). She was seriously concerned about this hard deadline she had given herself and fretting over its impending approach. Bitches have _agendas_, yo. Word. Fellas, when you see that shit coming, RUN. ---
**Author:** ![AshenLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/94ad74/32.png) [@AshenLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AshenLady)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2011, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-who-plan-their-wedding-before-there-is-a-groom/569991/22 "2011-02-03T20:19:43Z")
Unbridled narcicissm I would venture to guess. It’s all about her. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2011, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-who-plan-their-wedding-before-there-is-a-groom/569991/23 "2011-02-03T20:21:16Z")
> [@automagic](#): > > Is it common? > Do you think its wrong or weird? > Does too much focus on the wedding take away from deciding on the right person to marry? It is unfortunately common, though I find planning a wedding when you’re just boyfriend/girlfriend even more common. I think it’s bizarre and strange. And yes, I think people focus much too much on the wedding itself. Like the acquaintance I have who bought her dress before her boyfriend proposed and stuck it in their shared closet. Or the couple that lives together that said “I won’t buy anything I can’t take with me, like a stove or a dishwasher”. They’re going on 3 years living together in a house she owns that he pays the mortgage on… ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2011, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-who-plan-their-wedding-before-there-is-a-groom/569991/24 "2011-02-03T21:16:43Z")
As with everything else, it depends. I’ve thought about my wedding. There are a few things which are meaningful to me which I know I would want to incorporate into the wedding to make it a meaningful declaration of my love/relationship to someone else. I know I want it to be a pagan ceremony. I’ve considered who I would want to officiate. I’ve thought about what symbols are meaningful enough to use in the ceremony, e.g. I do know I want it to be a handfasting and not just a mainstream-traditional wedding, as that’s what would mean something to me. I have not picked out flower arrangements, a dress (other than knowing I wouldn’t spend a ridiculous amount of money on it), table centerpieces, a color scheme, or anything like that. I _have_ thought about ways in which I can use the ceremony to show my SO and our chosen families how much s/he means to me, and my intent to forge a solid lifetime relationship with him/her. For me the wedding doesn’t overshadow the importance of the marriage, but it is a meaningful first step. If I’m going to take a day to declare I’m planning to spend the rest of my life with him/her, I want to do so in a very deep, meaningful way. FWIW, I’ve put about the same amount of thought into what would be meaningful for my funeral, too. It’s not a daily or even monthly thing, and I’m not on any kind of timeline. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2011, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-who-plan-their-wedding-before-there-is-a-groom/569991/25 "2011-02-03T21:36:32Z")
Oh, I’ve thought about catering, too, but only because my circle of friends consists of vegans, vegetarians, meat-eaters, people who are lactose intolerant, people who are wheat/gluten intolerant, and probably a few other food allergies in there that I’m not thinking of at the moment. I’ve come to no conclusions on how on earth I’d be able to properly feed everyone. 😃 But it is kind of important to me that my guests don’t feel like they need to eat dinner at home before going to the reception. I may not achieve this, but I’d like to try. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2011, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-who-plan-their-wedding-before-there-is-a-groom/569991/26 "2011-02-03T22:23:14Z")
Could I make money with a bridal brothel: a faux-chapel that rents wedding dresses and has a bunch of old people, dressed up sitting in the pews, your choice of male-model grooms, a kindly old gent to give you away and have the first dance with you, etc.? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2011, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-who-plan-their-wedding-before-there-is-a-groom/569991/27 "2011-02-03T22:50:44Z")
April Winchell from Regretsy wrote a column for [Brides.com](http://www.brides.com/wedding-answers-tools/2011/01/April-Winchell-Column-7) that is somewhat relevant. It’s basically about how some women (and many attendees) see the wedding as ‘her’ day and leave the groom out of the equation (often with his blessing). > [@](#): > > And at that moment I realized there are aspects of the wedding that really do matter to the man you’re going to marry. Okay, maybe he isn’t plugged into what the bridesmaids are wearing, and he’s probably not going to lose it if we go with teal instead of cornflower. But holy crap, he has dreams, too. Maybe we should stop being princesses for five minutes and think about what would also make him happy. > > The bottom line is, I don’t want this to be my day. I want it to be ours. And that means I have to allow him to invest himself in the things that are meaningful to him. Maybe it’s just the music, or picking the flavor of the cake. Whatever it is, give him that. Stop micro-managing the joy out of everything. I don’t think it’s creepy at all to dream about a major life event that is also a huge party, but I’m not sure as many women obsess about ‘the perfect day’ as Bridezillas would have us believe. From [Videogum’s review of Bride Wars](http://videogum.com/231351/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time-bride-wars/franchises/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time/). It’s pretty spot on overall. > [@](#): > > It seems like we’re at a point, culturally, where the idea that every woman’s Ultimate Goal in Life is to be married to a man has been pretty roundly dismissed. Yes? That doesn’t mean that lots of women don’t very much want to be married to a man. (Sidenote: if anyone has Freida Pinto’s email, could you please send it to me? I just need to ask her something really quick.) And it doesn’t mean that the goal of being married to a man is a bad goal. It’s a perfectly reasonable goal! There are far worse goals in this world, like the goal to have the world’s largest collection of Good Morning, Miami memorabilia (bad goal! But if it makes you happy, then please go for it.) And the hundreds of years of cultural reinforcement that marriage (between a man and a woman, OBVIOUSLY) is desirable makes it a relatively easy goal to achieve and a relatively easy goal for which one can find support from one’s family and friends. No one gets too creeped out if that’s what you want. But I’m just saying we agree that some women don’t necessarily want that. Even, if you can believe it, some pretty, intelligent, confident women. Obviously, the fat, lonely, Haagen-Dazs stained women all say they don’t even care, but we know they care, RIGHT, LADIES? Lonely people are so fat and funny! Here’s the thing, though: even the women who DO want AS MUCH AS ANYTHING ELSE IN THIS LIFE to be MARRIED TO A MAN, they also want other things. Right? Like, they want to, I don’t know, go on a trip somewhere, or go see a play that their friend is acting in to support their friend, or rent a house off Craigslist for a holiday weekend. WHATEVER. They might want literally ANYTHING in addition to wanting to find a loving and cherished partner with whom to spend the rest of their life, or at least a few years until they get ding dong divorced. > > Unless, of course, you are the two main characters in Bride Wars, who really want to get married and that’s all they want the end. Ladies, stop burning your bras and start burning COPIES OF THIS MOVIE! ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 7:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-who-plan-their-wedding-before-there-is-a-groom/569991/28 "2011-02-04T07:22:26Z")
The only reason I’ve never given much thought to wedding plans (despite being single) is that I don’t want to be disappointed. I tend to dream bigger than I can handle. The only way I think it’s weird is when you can’t allow even the slightest change. **Nava** ’s brother’s experience should be much closer to the norm. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-who-plan-their-wedding-before-there-is-a-groom/569991/29 "2011-02-04T14:21:00Z")
That and the trouble you’ve had meeting someone eligible within the walls of your own house. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-who-plan-their-wedding-before-there-is-a-groom/569991/30 "2011-02-04T15:00:13Z")
\ I spent from about 8 years old on up knowing that the one thing I did NOT want was a big fancy church wedding, white dress, crying women and a party to follow. I would have been seriously disappointed to find out that mrAru actually wanted one of the horrible things. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-who-plan-their-wedding-before-there-is-a-groom/569991/31 "2011-02-04T15:30:52Z")
Mr. Beetle said it would be my last chance to have a wedding, and I should try new things, it would make my mom happy, etc. It was ghastly, but at least it’s over and I never have to do it again! ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-who-plan-their-wedding-before-there-is-a-groom/569991/32 "2011-02-04T15:34:34Z")
I think having some idea of what you want is normal - if you are the type. And that will change over time. Remember that a lot of little girls play “bride” - so they start young on the wedding planning - some of that - colors, flowers - stays with you. Also, as you go to weddings you tend to evaluate - “oh…I didn’t like the short dresses, I’d never do that.” “I though that music was perfect, when I get married I’ll have a harp!” Or “I know I don’t want a big fancy church wedding.” Or “the goldfish idea was cute, dead goldfish as a centerpiece really wasn’t - strike goldfish.” And I agree with CrazyCatLady. If you career goal is marriage+children and being a stay at home mom, its probably a good thing to treat that no differently than any career goal. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-who-plan-their-wedding-before-there-is-a-groom/569991/33 "2011-02-04T16:19:54Z")
My whole thoughts on it changed radically, as do many people’s I’m sure. When I was a child, I wanted a huge Hindu wedding, with the mandav and flowers everywhere and a magenta sari and a pundit and dancing and my WHOLE family there - which meant I would have to have it in India. What I never even considered was that I would not marry a Hindu man! Nowadays I would be content with a justice of the peace and a nice party in the backyard. But you can pry my magenta sari from my cold dead hands. I’m wearing that goddamn sari come hell or high water. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-who-plan-their-wedding-before-there-is-a-groom/569991/34 "2011-02-04T16:27:46Z")
As \*\*Dangerosa \*\*says, lots of little girls play “bride” or draw pictures of wedding gowns. If we’re talking about grown women, I did have a friend in college who talked about wedding plans before she was engaged. However, her parents ran an event planning business so she’d been around wedding planning for much of her life. Aside from her I’ve never known anyone past the age of 12 or so who talked about wedding plans without being engaged, not unless you count casual remarks like “I wouldn’t want a big fancy wedding” or “I’d definitely want a church wedding.” ---
**Author:** ![Mrs.Cake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/2acd7d/32.png) [@Mrs.Cake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mrs.Cake)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-who-plan-their-wedding-before-there-is-a-groom/569991/35 "2011-02-04T18:48:05Z")
I can’t remember ever not being mildly horrified by the thought of having a wedding, but I certainly remember a lot of my friends going through a couple wedding phases. The first was between ages 8 and 12 and was really tied up with Barbies, marrying Donnie Osmund, and wearing a big white dress. The second went from ages 18 to 22 in a post Charles & Diana Fairytale Wedding world and was all about having the most enormous white dress, a couple thousand guests, and a prince. Not a lot of difference between the two phases. Most of them ended up having small family weddings, often without a white dress or only a very low-key one, and a perfectly good-humored groom with his RPG buddies as groomsmen. Or they went to Vegas. I guess there was a shift in priorities once the wedding got out of the realm of fantasy and you had a real man to dress up and play with. Something seems to have changed in the last 20 years (maybe just my perception) where there is now this huge societal expectation of the $40k wedding with 30+ people in the wedding party, a professional planner to make sure your special day conforms precisely to everyone elses special day, and an obsession with photodocumenting every excruciating moment. As scary as I used to find weddings, the thought of having to put together one of these would send me into a fetal position in a dark room for a week. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-who-plan-their-wedding-before-there-is-a-groom/569991/36 "2011-02-04T19:25:05Z")
A coworker at a previous job told us when she bought her bridal gown, and at this time she was unattached; it was long before she ever met her eventual husband. She siad she kept it in a box under her bed. ---
**Author:** ![alphaboi867](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alphaboi867/32/3898_2.png) [@alphaboi867](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alphaboi867)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-who-plan-their-wedding-before-there-is-a-groom/569991/37 "2011-02-04T22:31:51Z")
> [@Tom\_Tildrum](#): > > A coworker at a previous job told us when she bought her bridal gown, and at this time she was unattached; it was long before she ever met her eventual husband. She siad she kept it in a box under her bed. See, that stricks me as odd, but I wouldn’t raise an eyebrow if she had her mother’s or grandmother’s dress under her bed. ---
**Author:** ![Filbert](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/filbert/32/3433_2.png) [@Filbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Filbert)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2011, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-who-plan-their-wedding-before-there-is-a-groom/569991/38 "2011-02-04T23:00:45Z")
I remember my cousin, when she was about 18, telling me about her wedding plans- she specified the bridesmaids and their dresses, her dress, the cake, the confetti, the full guest list, music… Went on for about 20 minutes, until I asked her if a groom was likely to be involved… 🙂 (I actually missed the event in the end, due to being on the other side of the planet at the time, so I’m not sure how close it matched up to the plan. I know white horses were involved, as was rather a lot of money… Mind you, the first thing her dad did after her birth was go to the bank to open a new savings account. For her wedding fund. I think the only thing I’ve planned for the unlikely event of my marriage is that I’d use my great-grandmother’s wedding ring, seeing as it fits perfectly; cheapness, cunningly disguised as being traditional! Bingo! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-who-plan-their-wedding-before-there-is-a-groom/569991.md?page=1)