# Women, would you prefer to know that a friend abused you in the past or not? Being apologized to. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 28, 2018, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-would-you-prefer-to-know-that-a-friend-abused-you-in-the-past-or-not-being-apologized-to/807683 "2018-01-28T22:44:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2018, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-would-you-prefer-to-know-that-a-friend-abused-you-in-the-past-or-not-being-apologized-to/807683/1 "2018-01-28T22:44:14Z")
Spinning off of an Ansari thread post #665 by **Frylock** as quoted in my post #666 [here](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=20753175&postcount=666). > [@](#): > > Do you think a poll would bear out the idea that women would prefer, 26 years later, to be told, sans invitation, by someone they are friends with that 26 years ago when they said “no I didn’t put my finger in your vagina while you were drunk” they were lying, and they did, and they’ve since come to realize what they did was bad, and they’re resolved to do better, and they are sorry they did it? > > Do you not think a significant percentage of people would strongly prefer that guy just keep it to himself? > > If you do think so, you’re saying that’s not relevant to the ethics of coming forward? > > Or do you really think people would, practically one hundred percent of them, want him to come forward with this?? So poll to follow! Only women answer the poll please. Men and others please still discuss. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2018, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-would-you-prefer-to-know-that-a-friend-abused-you-in-the-past-or-not-being-apologized-to/807683/2 "2018-01-28T22:56:21Z")
Would I want someone who gaslighted me to admit they did so and then apologize? Yes. I don’t think our relationship would be the same. But I would still prefer a confession and apology to thinking I had wrongly accused someone of violating me, even if it did happen a long time ago. ---
**Author:** ![Smudge777](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee59a6/32.png) [@Smudge777](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smudge777)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2018, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-would-you-prefer-to-know-that-a-friend-abused-you-in-the-past-or-not-being-apologized-to/807683/3 "2018-01-28T23:34:02Z")
Firstly, I wonder why your poll is only for women. Why do you want to know about the female abused, but not the male abused? My answer to this would depend upon a few factors: 1. Are we still friends? 2. Who else knew about it? …and to a lesser extent: 3. Was it a one-off? 4. Why it happened (curiosity, drunken mistake, sexual attraction, dared by friends, etc.) In most situations, I would want to know, because it would give me a better idea of who the abuser (and anyone else who was complicit) truly is. However, if the abuser and I are not still friends – and if no one else knew about it – then it’ll likely serve no benefit and will only serve to cause pain … then I would not want to know. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2018, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-would-you-prefer-to-know-that-a-friend-abused-you-in-the-past-or-not-being-apologized-to/807683/4 "2018-01-28T23:42:11Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > Would I want someone who gaslighted me to admit they did so and then apologize? > > Yes. > > I don’t think our relationship would be the same. But I would still prefer a confession and apology to thinking I had wrongly accused someone of violating me, even if it did happen a long time ago. My answer, though more eloquently stated than I would muster. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2018, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-would-you-prefer-to-know-that-a-friend-abused-you-in-the-past-or-not-being-apologized-to/807683/5 "2018-01-28T23:50:06Z")
Does the apology come with pressure to forgive? Is it clearly more about his desire to find a place to put his emotional baggage away, and not sincerely motivated by a desire to release me from my own state of self-doubt and guilt? Is there a script in his head about how I should react, and will he be upset with me if I deviate from this mystery script? Is the emotional work of the apology going to fall disproportionately on me?If so, I don’t think I’d want to deal with it. If it was business-like and sincere and seemed to carry no expectations about my own reactions, then yes. But very few people are capable of that, frankly. ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2018, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-would-you-prefer-to-know-that-a-friend-abused-you-in-the-past-or-not-being-apologized-to/807683/6 "2018-01-29T00:05:17Z")
> [@Smudge777](#): > > Firstly, I wonder why your poll is only for women. Why do you want to know about the female abused, but not the male abused? > > My answer to this would depend upon a few factors: > > 1. Are we still friends? > 2. Who else knew about it? > …and to a lesser extent: > 3. Was it a one-off? > 4. Why it happened (curiosity, drunken mistake, sexual attraction, dared by friends, etc.) > > In most situations, I would want to know, because it would give me a better idea of who the abuser (and anyone else who was complicit) truly is. However, if the abuser and I are not still friends – and if no one else knew about it – then it’ll likely serve no benefit and will only serve to cause pain … then I would not want to know. The question came up in the specific context of a male assaulter and female victim. I do not believe the two circumstances are interchangable. I’d be interested in hearing from abused males but for the psychology of the as if? No not interested in what men think for the purposes of the poll. Men and the fluid or other others can respond by narrative and are welcome to. The specifics are yes still friends. No one else knows. One off. And please specify in a response how each of the circumstances might change your answer to the specific question and why. > [@MandaJo](#): > > Does the apology come with pressure to forgive? Is it clearly more about his desire to find a place to put his emotional baggage away, and not sincerely motivated by a desire to release me from my own state of self-doubt and guilt? Is there a script in his head about how I should react, and will he be upset with me if I deviate from this mystery script? Is the emotional work of the apology going to fall disproportionately on me?If so, I don’t think I’d want to deal with it. > > If it was business-like and sincere and seemed to carry no expectations about my own reactions, then yes. But very few people are capable of that, frankly. The discussion included specifying a real apology, not a self-serving one. No request made of the victim for anything especially for forgiveness. True remorse and taking of responsibility. Validating any hurt the victim feels. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2018, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-would-you-prefer-to-know-that-a-friend-abused-you-in-the-past-or-not-being-apologized-to/807683/7 "2018-01-29T00:08:18Z")
> [@DSeid](#): > > The discussion included specifying a real apology, not a self-serving one. No request made of the victim for anything especially for forgiveness. True remorse and taking of responsibility. Validating any hurt the victim feels. I don’t need any of the above to prefer the truth. ---
**Author:** ![ZurBob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/71e660/32.png) [@ZurBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZurBob)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2018, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-would-you-prefer-to-know-that-a-friend-abused-you-in-the-past-or-not-being-apologized-to/807683/8 "2018-01-29T02:29:39Z")
People’s body parts get intermingled all the time, especially when alcohol is involved. Why one would feel violated under this particular circumstance perplexes me. If, 26 years after the fact, someone were to offer up such an indiscretion from my youth due to inebriation, I’d have to take it for what it was worth… Nothing. ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2018, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-would-you-prefer-to-know-that-a-friend-abused-you-in-the-past-or-not-being-apologized-to/807683/9 "2018-01-29T05:00:39Z")
> [@ZurBob](#): > > People’s body parts get intermingled all the time, especially when alcohol is involved. Why one would feel violated under this particular circumstance perplexes me. > > If, 26 years after the fact, someone were to offer up such an indiscretion from my youth due to inebriation, I’d have to take it for what it was worth… Nothing. The lie wouldn’t bother you at all? ---
**Author:** ![Weedy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/weedy/32/301_2.png) [@Weedy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weedy)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2018, 5:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-would-you-prefer-to-know-that-a-friend-abused-you-in-the-past-or-not-being-apologized-to/807683/10 "2018-01-29T05:30:54Z")
I assumed from the OP that I was too drunk at the time to know what was going on so I answered ‘no’, because there is no point bringing it up now. But I see some other people assumed that they did know, and confronted him at the time, and he denied it, but was now willing to come clean. If that’s the case I would definitely answer ‘yes’. I don’t think it’s the same as Frylock’s own situation though, and I don’t think he should bring that one up with his friend. ---
**Author:** ![Helena330](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helena330/32/531_2.png) [@Helena330](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena330)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2018, 7:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-would-you-prefer-to-know-that-a-friend-abused-you-in-the-past-or-not-being-apologized-to/807683/11 "2018-01-29T07:24:45Z")
Yes, but the friendship would most likely be over. Not in a dramatic way, however, the fact that they lied to me then kept it a secret from me would really bother me and I’d slowly disengage. ---
**Author:** ![ZurBob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/71e660/32.png) [@ZurBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZurBob)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2018, 11:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-would-you-prefer-to-know-that-a-friend-abused-you-in-the-past-or-not-being-apologized-to/807683/12 "2018-01-29T11:01:41Z")
> [@raventhief](#): > > The lie wouldn’t bother you at all? As Weedy (#10) said: I assumed from the OP that I was too drunk at the time to know what was going on so I answered ‘no’, because there is no point bringing it up now. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2018, 12:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-would-you-prefer-to-know-that-a-friend-abused-you-in-the-past-or-not-being-apologized-to/807683/13 "2018-01-29T12:27:16Z")
Ah… Dude, if you put your finger in my vagina while I was drunk, and given that I have never been drunk, I really don’t know what had _you_ been having but it probably was unhealthy. It seems to have affected your eyesight something nasty. If someone told me he’d physically abused me and I hadn’t noticed, I would be so busy being surprised I don’t think I’d be able to get angry. If any of the people who gaslighted me came apologizing, I’d laugh out loud (in fact I have done it). The one time a classmate who’d been reporting on me to my grandfather suddenly got an attack of conscience and refused to continue therefore losing his job (grandpa’s doing), when I found out I told him and I meant it that I really didn’t mind, it’s not like the information he’d been passing was any kind of secret. So, the specific example in the OP is completely non-applicable and the exact response would depend on the exact case. ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2018, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-would-you-prefer-to-know-that-a-friend-abused-you-in-the-past-or-not-being-apologized-to/807683/14 "2018-01-29T13:49:30Z")
> [@ZurBob](#): > > As Weedy (#10) said: I assumed from the OP that I was too drunk at the time to know what was going on so I answered ‘no’, because there is no point bringing it up now. Would that same logic apply to wanting or not wanting to know that your dentist had molested you while you were sedated? ---
**Author:** ![ZurBob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/71e660/32.png) [@ZurBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZurBob)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-would-you-prefer-to-know-that-a-friend-abused-you-in-the-past-or-not-being-apologized-to/807683/15 "2018-01-30T00:55:07Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > Ah… > > Dude, if you put your finger in my vagina while I was drunk, and given that I have never been drunk, I really don’t know what had _you_ been having but it probably was unhealthy. It seems to have affected your eyesight something nasty. > > If someone told me he’d physically abused me and I hadn’t noticed, I would be so busy being surprised I don’t think I’d be able to get angry. If any of the people who gaslighted me came apologizing, I’d laugh out loud (in fact I have done it). The one time a classmate who’d been reporting on me to my grandfather suddenly got an attack of conscience and refused to continue therefore losing his job (grandpa’s doing), when I found out I told him and I meant it that I really didn’t mind, it’s not like the information he’d been passing was any kind of secret. > > So, the specific example in the OP is completely non-applicable and the exact response would depend on the exact case. After re-reading the OP, and attempting to understand the above quoted post, I now realize: I can’t keep up with the permutations of he said, she said, they said, etc. I’m going to back away from this one. Sorry for my intervention. ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-would-you-prefer-to-know-that-a-friend-abused-you-in-the-past-or-not-being-apologized-to/807683/16 "2018-01-30T01:04:43Z")
I must be a complete old fogey. I’m positive I’ve never even remotely been in a situation like this. And I fooled around plenty back in the day. Astounding. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-would-you-prefer-to-know-that-a-friend-abused-you-in-the-past-or-not-being-apologized-to/807683/17 "2018-01-30T01:08:55Z")
> [@ThelmaLou](#): > > I must be a complete old fogey. I’m positive I’ve never even remotely been in a situation like this. And I fooled around plenty back in the day. Astounding. I’ve never been in a situation like this either. But I can still play along because I have an imagination. ---
**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-would-you-prefer-to-know-that-a-friend-abused-you-in-the-past-or-not-being-apologized-to/807683/18 "2018-01-30T06:00:34Z")
> [@ThelmaLou](#): > > I must be a complete old fogey. I’m positive I’ve never even remotely been in a situation like this. And I fooled around plenty back in the day. Astounding. I know plenty of old fogeys who’ve gotten blackout drunk and done stupid things throughout their lifetime, so that can’t be the issue.