# Women: your top DOs and DON'Ts for men in social situations **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 24, 2002, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-your-top-dos-and-donts-for-men-in-social-situations/129485 "2002-09-24T18:08:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2002, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-your-top-dos-and-donts-for-men-in-social-situations/129485/41 "2002-09-26T23:37:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Caricci \* > \*\* However, if you are still not interested at the end, simply tell her it was nice meeting her and do NOT imply that you would like to see her again. \*\* If you don’t mind Caricci, I’ll expand. This means: a) Don’t sleep with her. You don’t sleep with her if the date isn’t going well enough to call her b) Don’t say “I’ll call you.” Its a nice out, but it kind of leaves her thinking you might, oh, I don’t know, CALL! c) Say instead: “This was interesting, thanks.” Or “You are really nice, but this isn’t happening for me.” Or “Boy, I’d love to screw you, but since I’d like to have a conversation later and you have the IQ of a persimmon, I think this is goodbye.” OK, maybe not the last one. ---
**Author:** ![D\_Odds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/d_odds/32/2882_2.png) [@D\_Odds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D_Odds)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2002, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-your-top-dos-and-donts-for-men-in-social-situations/129485/42 "2002-09-27T00:33:38Z")
> [@](#): > > c) Say instead: “This was interesting, thanks.” Or “You are really nice, but this isn’t happening for me.” Or “Boy, I’d love to screw you, but since I’d like to have a conversation later and you have the IQ of a persimmon, I think this is goodbye.” OK, maybe not the last one. I don’t know…what do you have to lose on that last one. Great if it works, oh well if it doesn’t. ---
**Author:** ![LindyHopper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ebca7d/32.png) [@LindyHopper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LindyHopper)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2002, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-your-top-dos-and-donts-for-men-in-social-situations/129485/43 "2002-09-27T02:36:49Z")
You know what? Speaking as a recently-single-again man, this is a _great_ thread. Most of this stuff I’ve already thought of (don’t drink too much, be nice to the service staff, compliment judiciously, be on time, don’t talk too much or too little), but it’s nice to see my tendencies validated. 🙂 I’d say that, of all the things mentioned, the hardest (at least for me) is some variation of “don’t be nervous”. It’s particularly hard for someone in my situation (I’ve had three dates since the divorce, and the last date before becoming involved with the now-ex was in high school, 15 years ago), on account of the egregious lack of practice. But it’s good to know. Oh, and **Beadalin**? What’s the difference between “Put your hand on the small of my back as we go through a doorway” and “Make any “territory-claiming” moves, like putting your arm around my shoulder, or grabbing my hand, or putting your hand on my leg, or ordering for me, unless I initiate it or ask you to”? I’m not being flip or sarcastic here; I really want to know. As I said above, I have almost no recent experience with dating, and I need to know these things. > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by burundi_ > **Dance with me. I don’t date guys who refuse to dance.** Woohoo! _Score!_ [sub]Check my username. :)[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![ianzin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/ed655f/32.png) [@ianzin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ianzin)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2002, 8:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-your-top-dos-and-donts-for-men-in-social-situations/129485/44 "2002-09-27T08:08:46Z")
As the starter of this here thread, I have to confess to some surprise and disappointment. First, big thanks and respect to all those who have actually replied to the OP. However, setting aside wisecracks, chat, multi-posts and discussions about the age of consent in Canada, I’ve had a total of about **16 or 17 actual responses** to the OP. I was hoping for about 100. Women, you know you spend some of your social time discussing the faults and failings of men you meet socially. You know that women’s magazines not infrequently discuss the same subject. So, now’s your chance to put your preferences on the record, once and for all, and tell us your DO and DO NOT preferences! And you know… it could be a really fun thread, too. C’mon girls - share! I can guarantee if I (or someone else) starts a copy of ths thread for MEN, it will get a LOT of responses (but please, nobody do this until this thread is well and truly extinct). Are you really going to let the record show that _men_ are the more effective communicators, and that _women_ have problems expressing their feelings and preferences? ---
**Author:** ![vanilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f19dbf/32.png) [@vanilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vanilla)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2002, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-your-top-dos-and-donts-for-men-in-social-situations/129485/45 "2002-09-27T14:13:07Z")
Dos: 1. Be heterosexual. 2. Be polite. 3. Be on time. Don’ts: 1. Don’t swear. 2. Do not talk like a know-it-all. The experts on tv are there for a reason-you are not the only one who has the answer to all the worlds problems. 3. Don’t be late! ---
**Author:** ![Caricci](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Caricci](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caricci)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2002, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-your-top-dos-and-donts-for-men-in-social-situations/129485/46 "2002-09-27T15:20:44Z")
Don’t show me a picture of your mother. ---
**Author:** ![Lissla\_Lissar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lissla\_Lissar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lissla_Lissar)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2002, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-your-top-dos-and-donts-for-men-in-social-situations/129485/47 "2002-09-27T15:32:39Z")
Is this supposed to be personal preferences, or a generalized list? Mine will be somewhat personal. Most of the general ones have been covered already. **Do** Open doors, offer to carry my backpack etc. Dance Be friendly, but not frighteningly intense Try to find out and talk about common interests Stop to pet dogs and cats (I don’t date people who don’t like animals) **Don’t** Come off as too polished- I don’t want you to be “the Dating Expert”- that suggests that you’re acting a role with me Try to pay for my dinner/movie/whatever unless the date’s going really well- I don’t want someone I’m not clicking with to buy me things Insult any of my friends Make ignorant assumptions about me based on gender, religion, or dress style. ---
**Author:** ![Batsinma\_Belfry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ea5d25/32.png) [@Batsinma\_Belfry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Batsinma_Belfry)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2002, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-your-top-dos-and-donts-for-men-in-social-situations/129485/48 "2002-09-27T15:58:36Z")
DO 1. Keep eye contact while I’m talking. 2. Laugh at my attempts at humor, no matter how lame. 3. If I ask a question, try to answer with ateast a whole sentence. DON’T 1. Try to compliment me by telling me that ANY part of my body is made for ANY sex act. _example:_ “you have pretty lips”, is acceptable. “I bet you could suck a man dry with those lips”, not acceptable. 2. Have chewing gum, candy, cough drop etc… in your mouth. If your breath stinks, brush your teeth, if you have a cold stay home. 3. A couple of jokes is fine, but don’t do a whole comedy routine. 4. Don’t tell me: a) how big your penis is b) how good you are in bed c) how good/bad other women are in bed d)your plans to kidnap your daughter e) you have friends that are hitmen for the CIA ---
**Author:** ![The\_Ace\_of\_Swords](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e495f1/32.png) [@The\_Ace\_of\_Swords](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Ace_of_Swords)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2002, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-your-top-dos-and-donts-for-men-in-social-situations/129485/49 "2002-09-27T15:59:19Z")
**Vanilla** : You’re a chick – make mad love to me! Here’s my worthless guy’s advice: **Do** : Be passionate Be interested Be interesting Be thoughtful and funny Be sexy Read body language **Don’t** Be rude Be polite Be negative Worry about anything else. ---
**Author:** ![grayhairedmomma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/47e85d/32.png) [@grayhairedmomma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grayhairedmomma)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2002, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-your-top-dos-and-donts-for-men-in-social-situations/129485/50 "2002-09-27T16:29:28Z")
Hmmm. I’d rather have the guy do whatever it is he wants to do, that way I’ll know right upfront who I’m dealing with. I hate guys that do all the “right” things on the first few dates and then slowly slide back into their usual habits. It’s a waste of time and is very frustrating. ---
**Author:** ![Beadalin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Beadalin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beadalin)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2002, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-your-top-dos-and-donts-for-men-in-social-situations/129485/51 "2002-09-27T16:57:33Z")
> [@](#): > > _LindyHopper sez:_ > What’s the difference between “Put your hand on the small of my back as we go through a doorway” and “Make any “territory-claiming” moves, like putting your arm around my shoulder, or grabbing my hand, or putting your hand on my leg, or ordering for me, unless I initiate it or ask you to”? That was pretty subjective of me, wasn’t it? To me, a man putting his hand on the small of my back to escort me through a doorway is one of those classically “gentleman” type things. It suggests that he views me as a lady, and tokens interest that is present but not creepily intense. It’s a good one to break out during a first date and continue through the relationship. I understand if it’s just a Bead thing, and other women feel differently. All that as opposed to a “territory-claiming” move. Let me clarify. A Territory Claim is all about attitude, and it’s done only when there are witnesses, for those witness (not for me). Assuming we’re on a first date, you’re not familiar enough with me for sustained physical contact (the hand on the small of the back thing is brief contact, which is OK). I have had several guys do the Territory Claim, which goes something like this: We’re sitting in a public space with lots of people around. Guy puts arm around shoulder and then makes eye contact with other men, seeming to signal to them, “She’s with me.” Or, we’re standing in line for something, and someone else strikes up conversation with me, and Guy takes my hand or makes some other gesture to tell whoever is talking to me that they won’t get anywhere. Hope that makes sense. Again, it’s all about attitude. Those things can be appropriate and welcome when I am, definitively, with you (not on a 1st date), and when it’s done as a spontaneous gesture of affection, not to prove that I “belong” to you. The Territory Claim should only be used later in a relationship, if I need to be saved from some creepy come-on at a bar or party. Then it’s OK. ---
**Author:** ![gallows\_fodder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8c91f0/32.png) [@gallows\_fodder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gallows_fodder)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2002, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-your-top-dos-and-donts-for-men-in-social-situations/129485/52 "2002-09-27T17:03:43Z")
DO talk to me DO listen to me DO be yourself (be honest about your likes, dislikes, personality, background, etc.) DO be polite to everyone you encounter on the date (me, waiter, guy in front of you in line, etc.) DO be laid-back I like first dates to be casual, friendly encounters. If you’re not already a friend, a first date is a way to see if I want to know you better. They’re not a statement of a commitment (to anything, not just a relationship), and they should not be high-pressured. **Mornea** nailed my #1 DON’T – DO NOT establish patterns of behavior on the first date that you can’t sustain. I’m thinking specifically about “gentlemanly” gestures. Holding the door for me – no sweat. I would hope you hold the door for anyone who passes behind you. Opening the door for me when I’m getting out of the car – please, no. _Trying to put my seatbelt on for me_ (I’m not kidding) – absolutely not. Corollary: DO NOT go overboard with the “gentleman” act, **especially** if you’re impolite to everyone else. I can see it’s an act, and I’m neither impressed nor fooled. DO NOT try to control the date or pressure me into anything. DO NOT try to convince me that I’m wrong about my beliefs, opinions, facts, etc. It is perfectly acceptable to disagree, but do it in a calm, rational, friendly way. DO NOT make me do all of the talking. DO NOT make any kind of crude sexual joke. This is a date-killer. ---
**Author:** ![LindyHopper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ebca7d/32.png) [@LindyHopper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LindyHopper)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2002, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-your-top-dos-and-donts-for-men-in-social-situations/129485/53 "2002-09-27T17:05:09Z")
Ah, OK. I get it. The important bit seems to be whether it’s done for the benefit of other men standing nearby, yes? Gotcha. Thanks for the clarification. As I said, I need all the help I can get. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![LindyHopper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ebca7d/32.png) [@LindyHopper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LindyHopper)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2002, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-your-top-dos-and-donts-for-men-in-social-situations/129485/54 "2002-09-27T17:06:15Z")
Um, that was to **Beadalin**. ---
**Author:** ![Beadalin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Beadalin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beadalin)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2002, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-your-top-dos-and-donts-for-men-in-social-situations/129485/55 "2002-09-27T17:16:41Z")
Oh, sure, sum it all up in one concise sentence! DO NOT: 6) Be better at explaining things than me Just kidding. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Thomas\_Stearns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e9c0ed/32.png) [@Thomas\_Stearns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thomas_Stearns)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2002, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-your-top-dos-and-donts-for-men-in-social-situations/129485/56 "2002-09-27T17:18:40Z")
To quothe the great Bard, Homer Simpson: “When it comes to compliments, women are revenous, blood-sucking monsters always wanting more! more! MORE!”. There is much truth in that quote. You just gotta figgure out ways to compliment them without making it seem corny. ---
**Author:** ![LindyHopper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ebca7d/32.png) [@LindyHopper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LindyHopper)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2002, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-your-top-dos-and-donts-for-men-in-social-situations/129485/57 "2002-09-27T17:32:36Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Beadalin \* > \*\*Oh, sure, sum it all up in one concise sentence! > > DO NOT: > 6) Be better at explaining things than me > > Just kidding. 😃 \*\* Um, er, what I meant to say was… Sorry, just distilling. Darn science training. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2002, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-your-top-dos-and-donts-for-men-in-social-situations/129485/58 "2002-09-27T18:02:23Z")
> [@](#): > > Dos: > > 1. Be heterosexual. **vanilla** , you come up with some funny quips, you know? ---
**Author:** ![symplicity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df788c/32.png) [@symplicity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/symplicity)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2002, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-your-top-dos-and-donts-for-men-in-social-situations/129485/59 "2002-09-27T18:16:34Z")
do be open/flexible be kind be sincere attempt to enjoy the moment have manners (courtesy for others all around, no food in your mouth talking, on time…) don’t freak out (about Anything really) let anything ruin the entire date (please excuse yourself and go away if something creates a bad mood for you) have expectations compare me to anyone (mainly exes) be sleazy (married/too sexy too fast…) I’m with the people that want to just have a casual good time even if there is no real desire to persue a relationship. By not making heavy plans you can either cut the date short or find something more to do. ---
**Author:** ![Khadaji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2002, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-your-top-dos-and-donts-for-men-in-social-situations/129485/60 "2002-09-27T18:40:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by vanilla \* > \*\*Dos: > > 1. Be heterosexual. > 2. Be polite. > 3. Be on time. > > Don’ts: > > 1. Don’t swear. > 2. Do not talk like a know-it-all. The experts on tv are there for a reason-you are not the only one who has the answer to all the worlds problems. > 3. Don’t be late! \*\* LOL, I seem to be seeing a trend here. Time seems to be an issue for you. I confess, I have the same hangup about being on time and not being late. People who would never steal money from me will steal bits and pieces of my time away that I can never get back. Hey, guess what? My time is important too. If you meant 8:30, tell me 8:30, I’ll show up then. But if you meant 9:00 tell me that! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-your-top-dos-and-donts-for-men-in-social-situations/129485.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/women-your-top-dos-and-donts-for-men-in-social-situations/129485.md?page=4)