# Woo hoo! The Court is going on trial for masturbating like a motherfuck! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [January 23, 2005, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-going-on-trial-for-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/286172 "2005-01-23T00:36:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Tenar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/35a633/32.png) [@Tenar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tenar)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-going-on-trial-for-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/286172/21 "2005-01-25T03:33:14Z")
“All rise…” ---
**Author:** ![Tripler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripler/32/21807_2.png) [@Tripler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tripler)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-going-on-trial-for-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/286172/22 "2005-01-25T04:23:56Z")
Jeez, I’ve heard of cross-examinators “pumping the witness” for information, but this is rediculous. Tripler And Lord knows what he did with that gavel. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-going-on-trial-for-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/286172/23 "2005-01-25T06:37:34Z")
I don’t think I’ll ever read “the judge’s chamber” in the same way again. It’s going to be an interesting season in the appeals courts. “I didn’t get a fair trial. The judge’s little head was doing the thinking!” ---
**Author:** ![elucidator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8edcca/32.png) [@elucidator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elucidator)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 6:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-going-on-trial-for-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/286172/24 "2005-01-25T06:53:49Z")
And whats with the machinery? If you’re so gross, your own hand won’t have sex with you, well, I mean, _damn!_… ---
**Author:** ![Loopydude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e56c9b/32.png) [@Loopydude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loopydude)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-going-on-trial-for-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/286172/25 "2005-01-25T15:26:04Z")
I hope you all can understand that, while I try to fight my own ignorance as much as possible, I simply cannot bring myself to google “penis pump”. I don’t know why. It’s not like I haven’t googled far, far worse. But this one really makes me shudder for some reason. It was always my understanding that “penis pumps” were used to help with symptoms of erectile dysfunction, by encouraging increased blood flow to the penis with a reduction in, er, local atomospheric pressure. Use of such a device always struck me most decidedly as a means to an end, and not the end in itself, as I cannot imagine how the sensation of having my dick in such a vacuum that blood must rush to it to prevent a kind of simultaneously aneurytic and embolic ballooning of the corpi cavernosa (could expansion of blood nitrogen give one “penile bends”??) would be at all erotic by itself. But here we see, clearly, the pump is being used for masturbatory purposes. Does the judge need a bit of artificially-augmented turgidity before he “pounds the gavel”, or is he actually getting off on the pumping itself? Are there devices out there, going by the name of “penis pump”, which are marketed for the purpose of directly providing an arousing stimulus? ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-going-on-trial-for-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/286172/26 "2005-01-25T15:44:23Z")
Pumps are also used for penile enlargement. ---
**Author:** ![Fish\_Cheer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fish_cheer/32/17179_2.png) [@Fish\_Cheer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fish_Cheer)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-going-on-trial-for-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/286172/27 "2005-01-25T15:53:41Z")
> [@Loopydude](#): > > corpi cavernosa Corpora. ---
**Author:** ![Terminus\_Est](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terminus_est/32/3087_2.png) [@Terminus\_Est](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terminus_Est)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2005, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-going-on-trial-for-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/286172/28 "2005-01-25T21:57:14Z")
> [@Otto](#): > > Pumps are also used for penile enlargement. Think “Austin Powers”. ---
**Author:** ![cornflakes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9d8465/32.png) [@cornflakes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cornflakes)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2005, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-going-on-trial-for-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/286172/29 "2005-01-26T19:49:16Z")
> [@Terminus Est](#): > > Think “Austin Powers”. Sorry, I’m thinking “Dirty Old Redneck Judge”, and I’m trying not to… ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2005, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-going-on-trial-for-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/286172/30 "2005-01-26T19:52:14Z")
The charges will be dismissed because the evidence won’t stand up… 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2005, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-going-on-trial-for-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/286172/31 "2005-01-26T21:43:32Z")
> [@Clothahump](#): > > The charges will be dismissed because the evidence won’t stand up… 😃 Yeah, there’s no hard evidence. ---
**Author:** ![catsix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@catsix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/catsix)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2005, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-going-on-trial-for-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/286172/32 "2005-01-26T21:57:54Z")
Yes but this judge certainly was not soft on crime. ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2005, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-going-on-trial-for-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/286172/33 "2005-01-26T22:08:35Z")
Mind you, if a hung jury doesn’t discharge him, he’s looking at a stiff sentence and a permanent stain on his record. ---
**Author:** ![Loopydude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e56c9b/32.png) [@Loopydude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loopydude)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2005, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-going-on-trial-for-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/286172/34 "2005-01-26T22:10:55Z")
make. it. stoooop! ---
**Author:** ![NurseCarmen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5daacb/32.png) [@NurseCarmen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NurseCarmen)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2005, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-going-on-trial-for-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/286172/35 "2005-01-26T23:15:53Z")
> [@Otto](#): > > Pumps are also used for penile enlargement. Easy Spirit has come out with one. It looks like a pump. Feels like a sneaker. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Scrivener](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@The\_Scrivener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Scrivener)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2005, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-going-on-trial-for-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/286172/36 "2005-01-27T01:20:49Z")
I’ve heard the phrase “power loves a vacuum,” but this is ridiculous. (Ditto “multitasking…”.) This is one judge you really wouldn’t want to hear say, “I hold you in contempt…”. Oh, the power he used to wield, with a few strokes of the pen… now doubt he had an elevated opinion of himself. What with the impending trial, I imagine he’s really feeling the pressure now. I heard that in his last years on the bench, he was having a mechanical attitude about his work, and just basically going through the motions. Apparently, he was finding the bench less than stimulating. ---
**Author:** ![Mac\_Guffin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/2bfe46/32.png) [@Mac\_Guffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mac_Guffin)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2005, 6:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-going-on-trial-for-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/286172/37 "2005-01-27T06:39:02Z")
Damn. I remember when a Judge having his palms greased meant something totaly different. ---
**Author:** ![elucidator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8edcca/32.png) [@elucidator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elucidator)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2005, 6:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-going-on-trial-for-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/286172/38 "2005-01-27T06:48:51Z")
I understand much of his judicial philosophy is derived from Justice Thomas, whom he regards as a seminal influence. ---
**Author:** ![Ignatz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/3be4f8/32.png) [@Ignatz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ignatz)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2005, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-going-on-trial-for-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/286172/39 "2005-01-28T02:46:52Z")
> [@chukhung](#): > > The wheels of justice grind slowly and it’s been more than six months since **Diogenes the Cynic** posted his Pit thread, [Woo hoo! The Court is masturbating like a motherfuck!](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=263298) about the Oklahoma judge who resigned from the bench after being accused of using his penis pump while presiding over a number of trials. There have been some developments in the case, but rather than re-open the old thread, I’ll start a new one about the self-inflating jurist. > > Now he’s facing criminal charges:On this [page](http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0121051judge1.html) the Smoking Gun has all the “yucky” details including the judge’s mug shot, a copy of the search warrant for a sample of the judge’s DNA, and the arrest warrant. > > Am I the only one who looks at that mug shot and wonders, “What’s he doing with his hands?” Quote: Donald Thompson, 58, entered a not guilty plea yesterday to three felony counts during an appearance in Creek County District Court, where he worked until resigning last August. According to the…probable cause affidavit, Thompson exposed himself during three separate 2003 cases (two of which were murder trials). For example, on May 13, while he was presiding over State v. Kurt Arnold Vomberg (who was accused of killing his girlfriend’s 21-month-old daughter), Thompson loudly pumped himself up. The sword of justice is being wielded again. But, wait, what is mightier than the sword? The pen is. ---
**Author:** ![betenoir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/258eb7/32.png) [@betenoir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/betenoir)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2005, 9:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-going-on-trial-for-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/286172/40 "2005-01-28T09:38:47Z")
> [@fishcheer15](#): > > Corpora. Only on the SDMB would a post about a court case degenerate into a series of penis jokes…and then be momentarily derailed by a lesson in medical Latin. God I love this place. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-going-on-trial-for-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/286172.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-going-on-trial-for-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/286172.md?page=3)