# Woo hoo! The Court is masturbating like a motherfuck! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [June 24, 2004, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044 "2004-06-24T17:03:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/1 "2004-06-24T17:03:23Z")
[Smoking Gun](http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0624041pump1.html) > [@](#): > > JUNE 24–While seated on the bench, an Oklahoma judge used a male enhancement pump, shaved and oiled his nether region, and pleasured himself, state officials charged yesterday in a petition to remove the jurist. According to the below complaint filed by the Oklahoma Attorney General, Donald D. Thompson, 57, was caught in the act by a clerk, trial witnesses, and his longtime court reporter (these unsettling first-hand accounts will make you wonder what’s going on under other black robes). Visitors to Thompson’s Creek County courtroom reported hearing a “swooshing” sound coming from the bench, a noise the court reporter said “sounded like a blood pressure cuff being pumped up.” Thompson, the complaint charges, even pumped himself up during an August 2003 murder trial. You can’t make this shit up, folks. Imagine you’re on trial for your life for murder and you suddenly realize that the judge is yanking his junk underneath the bench while the trial is going on. It would be infuriating if it wasn’t so funny. ---
**Author:** ![World\_Eater](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@World\_Eater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/World_Eater)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/2 "2004-06-24T17:09:10Z")
That’s insane! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/3 "2004-06-24T17:10:10Z")
BWAAHAAHAA!!! Wait a minute…he _shaved the area_ while seated at the bench? :eek: **AccuJac** - 7 out of 9 Supreme Court Justices can’t be wrong! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/4 "2004-06-24T17:16:29Z")
There’s gotta be a SCOTUS joke in there somewhere. ---
**Author:** ![UncleBeer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/977dab/32.png) [@UncleBeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBeer)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/5 "2004-06-24T17:17:09Z")
The Honorable Donald D. Thompson in entering the courtroom. You may all rise . . . ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/6 "2004-06-24T17:18:47Z")
> [@UncleBeer](#): > > The Honorable Donald D. Thompson in entering the courtroom. You may all rise . . . Some of us more than others, apparently. And let me be the first one to use the phrase: Legal Briefs. 😃🆒 ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/7 "2004-06-24T17:20:07Z")
I guess we now have to say: May it \*pleasure \* the court… ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/8 "2004-06-24T17:26:08Z")
Finally… a hung jurist. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/9 "2004-06-24T17:31:51Z")
I’m sick and tired of judges making sucky decisions. ---
**Author:** ![BottledBlondJeanie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/0ea827/32.png) [@BottledBlondJeanie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BottledBlondJeanie)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/10 "2004-06-24T17:33:55Z")
Once upon a time I practiced around thatares, I found his picture and he does look familiar, but I can’t tell if he was on the bench when I was up there. Weird and embarrasing. ---
**Author:** ![BottledBlondJeanie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/0ea827/32.png) [@BottledBlondJeanie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BottledBlondJeanie)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/11 "2004-06-24T17:39:03Z")
:smack: that area I is smart, really. ---
**Author:** ![elucidator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8edcca/32.png) [@elucidator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elucidator)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/12 "2004-06-24T17:45:10Z")
Kinda makes you miss the old days, when an OK judge didn’t actually come in his pants unless he was handing down a death sentence. That said, I don’t think I can buy this one. Could almost, but the part about shaving himself while on the bench? Huh? Did he walk in carrying the vacuum masturbatory aid _and_ a shaving mug, hot water, and a razor? Did he hike up his robe over his tummy, drop trou, and gaze intently at his crotch while he unhaired himself? Believe you me, if I’m taking a razor there, I’m going to monitor the procedure with great and consuming interest. Didn’t happen. ---
**Author:** ![BJMoose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@BJMoose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BJMoose)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/13 "2004-06-24T17:59:26Z")
“Here come the judge. Here come the judge. Order in the court cuz here come the judge.” (apologies to _Laugh-In_) ---
**Author:** ![Metacom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ecae2f/32.png) [@Metacom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Metacom)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/14 "2004-06-24T18:01:54Z")
> [@elucidator](#): > > Did he walk in carrying the vacuum masturbatory aid _and_ a shaving mug, hot water, and a razor? Did he hike up his robe over his tummy, drop trou, and gaze intently at his crotch while he unhaired himself? Believe you me, if I’m taking a razor there, I’m going to monitor the procedure with great and consuming interest. > > Didn’t happen. Coulda been an electric razor or trimmer… ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/15 "2004-06-24T18:06:29Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > There’s gotta be a SCOTUS joke in there somewhere. SCROTUS? ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Bravo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_bravo/32/493_2.png) [@Johnny\_Bravo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Bravo)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/16 "2004-06-24T18:07:49Z")
> [@Metacom](#): > > Coulda been an electric razor or trimmer… Or maybe he just has _lots_ of practice. ---
**Author:** ![Q.E.D](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/51bf81/32.png) [@Q.E.D](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.E.D)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/17 "2004-06-24T18:11:50Z")
[Here](http://www.tulsaworld.com/BreakingNewsStory.asp?ID=040624_Br_jdgweb) is another source with the story. No mention of shaving, however. ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/18 "2004-06-24T18:14:06Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > I’m sick and tired of judges making sucky decisions. Well, it certainly landed him in a sticky situation. ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/19 "2004-06-24T18:24:21Z")
> [@elucidator](#): > > That said, I don’t think I can buy this one. Could almost, but the part about shaving himself while on the bench? I don’t think that was meant to be taken literally. ---
**Author:** ![Darkhold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/90db22/32.png) [@Darkhold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darkhold)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/20 "2004-06-24T18:26:35Z")
I certainly hope that’s grounds for a mistrial. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044.md?page=2)