# Woo hoo! The Court is masturbating like a motherfuck! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [June 24, 2004, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044 "2004-06-24T17:03:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/21 "2004-06-24T18:31:10Z")
Wasn’t there some judge in the last couple of years who got in trouble for having some kind of bondage games with his (female) clerk going on. He said it was consensual, she said she was pressured into it. I know trials are dull … maybe we should examine the possibility that they eventually warp the mind of your average judge. ---
**Author:** ![rjung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/45deac/32.png) [@rjung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjung)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/22 "2004-06-24T18:31:41Z")
I bet if you go over the court stenographer’s transcripts, you’ll find some interesting moments that now make more sense: **Judge:** “Has the jury reached a verdict?” **Jury foreman:** “We have, your honor. We, the jury, find the defendant guilty on the charges of first-degree murder.” **Judge:** “Ohhhh… yes! Yes! YES!!!” 😉 ---
**Author:** ![wireless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f14d63/32.png) [@wireless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wireless)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/23 "2004-06-24T18:32:56Z")
> [@](#): > > Visitors to Thompson’s Creek County courtroom reported hearing a “swooshing” sound coming from the bench, a noise the court reporter said "sounded like a blood pressure cuff being pumped up. [Hans & Franz] We are going to PUMP [clap] YOU UP! [/H&F] (Dating myself, I’m sure. Now if I could only get rid of the visual image of Ahhnold under the judge’s bench - and robes!) :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/24 "2004-06-24T18:34:03Z")
> [@elucidator](#): > > Kinda makes you miss the old days, when an OK judge didn’t actually come in his pants unless he was handing down a death sentence. > > That said, I don’t think I can buy this one. Could almost, but the part about shaving himself while on the bench? Huh? Did he walk in carrying the vacuum masturbatory aid _and_ a shaving mug, hot water, and a razor? Did he hike up his robe over his tummy, drop trou, and gaze intently at his crotch while he unhaired himself? Believe you me, if I’m taking a razor there, I’m going to monitor the procedure with great and consuming interest. > > Didn’t happen. I assumed they meant htat he shaved and oiled hisself before the trial. Which THEY would have to assume if they caught him doing it with a shaved and oiled member. ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/25 "2004-06-24T18:38:19Z")
> [@BottledBlondJeanie](#): > > Once upon a time I practiced around that (area) You practiced around his area…heh heh heh… ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/26 "2004-06-24T18:40:41Z")
Although I assumed this thread was going to be about the [Cheney energy task force ruling](http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=1521&ncid=701&e=8&u=/afp/20040624/pl_afp/us_justice_cheney_energy). ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/27 "2004-06-24T18:42:59Z")
Heh, I think we’ve now conclusively determined which state’s to blame for Texas not sliding off into the Gulf of Mexico. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/28 "2004-06-24T18:53:51Z")
> [@Otto](#): > > Although I assumed this thread was going to be about the [Cheney energy task force ruling](http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=1521&ncid=701&e=8&u=/afp/20040624/pl_afp/us_justice_cheney_energy). So did I! ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/29 "2004-06-24T19:00:25Z")
Come on now. No one is asking the important questions: how big was the cock? Was the judge hot? I’ll wait for your answer to see if it should go in my masturbatory rolodex. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/30 "2004-06-24T19:11:19Z")
Check **Q.E.D.**'s link for a pic of the judge. If you liked Bruce Davidson from the movie _Williard_ then yeah, you’ll probably want to approach this guy’s bench. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/31 "2004-06-24T19:15:32Z")
What the… If you liked _Williard_ then you’re gonna love _Been_. ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/32 "2004-06-24T19:52:05Z")
I think that’s the mutated senator from X-Men. ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/33 "2004-06-24T20:14:27Z")
> [@spooje](#): > > I assumed they meant that he shaved and oiled hisself before the trial. Which THEY would have to assume if they caught him doing it with a shaved and oiled member. From [page 3](http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0624041pump3.html) of the official Petition for Removal: > [@](#): > > Over the course of time, from where she sat in her court reporter chair, Lisa Foster saw Judge Thompson place a penis pump on his penis “maybe ten” times during either a non-jury or a jury trial and operate the pump. > > Ms. Foster saw Judge Thompson masturbate on a number of occasions and during the course of her employment, saw his menis fiften to twenty times. On one occasion, Ms. Foster saw Judge Thompson holding his penis up and shaving underneath it with a disposable razor while on the bench. She saw him put lotion on his penis on more than one occasion while on the bench. ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/34 "2004-06-24T20:25:37Z")
I also love the heading on the last page of the indictment: > [@](#): > > Prayer for Relief That’s exactly what got him into trouble in the first place. ---
**Author:** ![NurseCarmen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5daacb/32.png) [@NurseCarmen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NurseCarmen)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/35 "2004-06-24T20:43:24Z")
The charges are clearly pumped up. He’ll get off. ---
**Author:** ![AngelicGemma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/439d5e/32.png) [@AngelicGemma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelicGemma)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/36 "2004-06-24T20:51:18Z")
> [@UncleBeer](#): > > The Honorable Donald D. Thompson in entering the courtroom. You may all rise . . . Next time I’m in court reporting a story, and the guy says “All rise,” if I start laughing I’m blameing _you_. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Ale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Ale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ale)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/37 "2004-06-24T20:58:33Z")
Ms. Foster: That looks like a Swedish made penis enlarger pump; yes, that´s a Swedish made penis enlarger pump. Judge Thompson: That’s not mine! Ms. Foster: And here´s a credit card receipt for Swedish made penis enlarger…signed by Donald D. Thompson Judge Thompson: I’m tellin you baby, that’s not mine! Ms. Foster: And what´s this? a warranty card for Swedish made penis enlarger pump…filled out by Donald D. Thompson. Judge Thompson: I don’t even know what this is! This sort of thing ain’t my bag, baby! Ms. Foster: Oh a book…“Swedish Made Penis Enlarger Pumps and Me: This Sort of Thing is my Bag, Baby!”, by Donald D. Thompson. udge Thompson: Alright, that may be mine then… ---
**Author:** ![SanguineSpider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SanguineSpider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanguineSpider)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/38 "2004-06-24T22:21:54Z")
People and their quirks… sheesh. Keep it in the pants, boys! At least until you get home, then you can wank it all you want. Shave it, pump it… whatever. I am not in the least surprised by this, really I’m not. I’ve seen plenty of guys whip it out at my ol’ job (porn store) and it just does NOT surprise me. Am I jaded? As long as no one (especially kids) is being victimized or killed, I really don’t care what a person does in the privacy of their own home… but just DO IT AT HOME! Is it that hard (heh, sorry) to control your fetishes in public? ---
**Author:** ![Mehitabel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8797f3/32.png) [@Mehitabel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mehitabel)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/39 "2004-06-24T22:45:26Z")
I understand Ms. Foster was in a weird position (heh), but you’d think after the third or fourth time she’d say something to somebody. That must have been a very high bench and a rather placid court. I was a juror in February in da Bronx county courthouse and the bailiffs were always buzzing around, the lawyers were always wanting to approach, etc. As for that picture–remember last week on _Reno 911!_ when Trudy’s boyfriend Craig was suspected of being a serial killer by the other cops? Jim Dangle was saying to Clemmie that maybe they were wrong, “maybe he’s just one of those little weird white guys that LOOKS like a serial killer.” P.S., he was. ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/40 "2004-06-24T22:57:32Z")
Give a whole new meaning to “pounding the gavel.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044.md?page=3)