# Woo hoo! The Court is masturbating like a motherfuck! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [June 24, 2004, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044 "2004-06-24T17:03:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2004, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/41 "2004-06-24T23:26:13Z")
Ah yes, the ‘short arm’ of the law. ---
**Author:** ![MaxTheVool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9fc29f/32.png) [@MaxTheVool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MaxTheVool)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2004, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/42 "2004-06-25T00:13:10Z")
C’mon, someone needs to figure out which political party appointed this judge, so we can determine whether this is further evidence of Democratic moral decay, or Republican moral hypocrisy. I mean, c’mon, almost a full page of posts and no partisanship? What’s the holdup? On another note: They say that justice is blind… well, now we know how it got that way. ---
**Author:** ![Shade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2bfe46/32.png) [@Shade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shade)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2004, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/43 "2004-06-25T00:41:10Z")
I’m normally quite good at guessing which thread titles are literal, and which are metaphoric and which are jokes. I’m not faked out by either meaning of “pussy.” But I was totally 180[sup]0[/sup] wrong on this one. ---
**Author:** ![BraheSilver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecccb3/32.png) [@BraheSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BraheSilver)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2004, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/44 "2004-06-25T00:58:16Z")
> [@BrotherCadfael](#): > > > [@tdn](#): > > > > There’s gotta be a SCOTUS joke in there somewhere. > > SCROTUS? I was thinking SCOITUS. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2004, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/45 "2004-06-25T02:35:00Z")
Beat us, whip us, convict us, but please don’t SCOTUS. ---
**Author:** ![Chanteuse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de053/32.png) [@Chanteuse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chanteuse)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2004, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/46 "2004-06-25T02:39:09Z")
> [@lieu](#): > > What the… If you liked _Williard_ then you’re gonna love _Been_. Now, _that’s_ funny! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![ZombiesAteMyBrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b4bc9f/32.png) [@ZombiesAteMyBrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZombiesAteMyBrain)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2004, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/47 "2004-06-25T02:42:37Z")
> [@Diogenes the Cynic](#): > > [Smoking Gun](http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0624041pump1.html) > > You can’t make this shit up, folks. Imagine you’re on trial for your life for murder and you suddenly realize that the judge is yanking his junk underneath the bench while the trial is going on. > > It would be infuriating if it wasn’t so funny. Why do we never see anything like this on ‘Law and Order’??? ---
**Author:** ![Q.E.D](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/51bf81/32.png) [@Q.E.D](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.E.D)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2004, 4:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/48 "2004-06-25T04:31:12Z")
> [@ZombiesAteMyBrain](#): > > Why do we never see anything like this on ‘Law and Order’??? Ten bucks says next season this one, too, is “ripped from the headlines”. ---
**Author:** ![moriah](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b2d939/32.png) [@moriah](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moriah)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2004, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/49 "2004-06-25T04:49:57Z")
Onion headline gag sort of comes true: **Jurisprudence Fetishist Gets Off On A Technicality** ---
**Author:** ![elucidator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8edcca/32.png) [@elucidator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elucidator)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2004, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/50 "2004-06-25T05:03:16Z")
{Portion of an e-mail to Ernie Dreckmeister, Fox programming development…} …So, look, Ernie, I’m just spitballing here, off the top of my head, but sort of a combination of _Judge Judy_ and _Crank Yankers_ and _People’s Court_, you see, where the complaining guy and the defending guy, the one who wins is the one who does the best job of stroking the Judge’s litigant. I asked a guy in the Law division, and he says its pretty much like that anyway, so… ---
**Author:** ![RTA](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b4bc9f/32.png) [@RTA](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTA)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2004, 1:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/51 "2004-06-25T13:03:24Z")
> [@MaxThe Vool](#): > > I mean, c’mon, almost a full page of posts and no partisanship? What’s the holdup? OK, OK, um … let’s see, uh … Ah! no, wait … hmmm … I have it! Clarence Thomas! Yes! Long Dong Silver! the pubic hair on the Coke can! The guy who put the “5” in “5 to 4”! This is nothing more than a high-tech lynching of an uppity white penis! ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2004, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/52 "2004-06-25T14:04:43Z")
Looking at 5 to 6, the judge clearly desired a longer ruling. ---
**Author:** ![hawthorne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@hawthorne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hawthorne)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2004, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/53 "2004-06-25T14:19:42Z")
This thread is crying out for **Arnold Winkelried** ’s [Smut Shop Employees](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=30135&page=3) character. It would somehow complete the \ circle. Another legal maxim I’m going to struggle not to snigger at next time I hear it: **Hard cases make bad law.** ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2004, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/54 "2004-06-25T14:53:19Z")
On the flip side of the issue, the Judge’s office issued a statement that the complaint was fabricated and merely the product of an ongoing dispute between the judge and the accuser. Our local news is so missing the boat on this. Channel 9: A hard look at hard news. Channel 5: Handling the sticky issues. Channel 4: Cumming up tonight at 10. Fox25: A judge issues from the desk! Yeah, Oklahoma politics is a wierd and wild thing. I’m so glad I’m not in TX or CA anymore. BTW, In Oklahoma, juries hand down death sentence rulings. In the just completed Terry Nichols state murder trial (where he was found guilty on 160 counts of murder) a hung jury (HA!) couldn’t decide on the death sentence. (Should that word have an A or an E?) The judge was bound by law (?) to impose life in prison, since he couldn’t choose the death penalty himself. Not sure how it was in the past, though. (No, no cites. Just watching local news channels here in the OKC\>) ---
**Author:** ![great\_glowing\_balls\_of\_jelly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/67e7ee/32.png) [@great\_glowing\_balls\_of\_jelly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/great_glowing_balls_of_jelly)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2004, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/55 "2004-06-25T15:22:58Z")
I’m just glad Oklahoma isn’t the show me state. ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2004, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/56 "2004-06-25T15:33:05Z")
> [@great glowing balls of jelly](#): > > I’m just glad Oklahoma isn’t the show me state. Given the fact that he was seen by the court reporter, Oklahoma is. In fact, I feel a song coming on … Ooooooook-lahoma where the judge is whacking in plain view Where a cock pump is The thing to have When you wish to give your judicial views! ---
**Author:** ![Casey1505](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dc4da7/32.png) [@Casey1505](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Casey1505)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2004, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/57 "2004-06-25T15:47:13Z")
He’d still be on the bench if he didn’t bang his pump on the sound block to adjourn the court. ---
**Author:** ![BJMoose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@BJMoose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BJMoose)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2004, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/58 "2004-06-25T16:05:05Z")
I think his honor should have no trouble mounting an insanity defense. After all, what sane guy would let any sharp object, much less a razor, within three feet of his, uh, baliff. For some reason this calls to mind a headline I saw in the _Hutchinson_ (Kansas) _News_ several years back, naming the opponents in a political contest: Dick to Face Judge Long Honest. (Mebbe we shouldn’t pick on the guy. He is, after all, a Sooner.) :eek: ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2004, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/59 "2004-06-25T16:26:34Z")
Better a pubic trial now before he comes up for reerection. ---
**Author:** ![elucidator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8edcca/32.png) [@elucidator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elucidator)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2004, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044/60 "2004-06-25T16:47:50Z")
> [@lieu](#): > > Better a pubic trial now before he comes up for reerection. Unspeakable! Even if I _had_ thought of it, I would never have posted such an appalling pun! (That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it…) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woo-hoo-the-court-is-masturbating-like-a-motherfuck/252044.md?page=4)