# Woody Allen's best single line ever! **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [June 9, 2003, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701 "2003-06-09T19:46:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Grousser](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9d8465/32.png) [@Grousser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grousser)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2003, 7:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/21 "2003-06-10T07:11:30Z")
This is paradoxical! Some times I tried to start interesting threads and weren’t succesful. Now, I put a post with intention of a joke and it results in a succesful thread! (Well… for me, a thread with at least 20 posts is a succesful one) 😉 I just heard that Woody Allen’s Nintendo line and I thought it was funny… but you guys know more of him than I do. Well, the real point is the original question that led me to this post: Lewis and Clark (new thread). ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2003, 7:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/22 "2003-06-10T07:26:29Z")
Interesting transcript there, **Murc** , but more than a few typos. > [@](#): > > The FBI decides to lob in teargas, but they don’t have teargas, so several of the agents put on the death scene from Camellia. No, no, NO! ---
**Author:** ![Murcielago](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/da6949/32.png) [@Murcielago](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Murcielago)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2003, 7:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/23 "2003-06-10T07:34:10Z")
Not my work, **Robot Arm** , just pointing to it. ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2003, 7:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/24 "2003-06-10T07:39:47Z")
I don’t know where it’s from but I love the simplicity of, “I am at two with nature.” ---
**Author:** ![minega](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@minega](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/minega)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2003, 8:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/25 "2003-06-10T08:05:09Z")
‘The world will open up to you like a magnificent vagina’ I think that was in ‘Bullets over Broadway’ Then there was this one in ‘Holywood ending’ ‘You know what i like most about masturbation? Afterwards-the cuddling’ He is a funny guy. ---
**Author:** ![Ender\_Will](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/eb9ed0/32.png) [@Ender\_Will](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ender_Will)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2003, 8:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/26 "2003-06-10T08:10:57Z")
Well, I’ve only seen _Curse of the Jade Scorpion_ and _Crimes and Misdemeanors_, so my selection is rather limited, but there were two from _Crimes and Misdemeanors_ that I liked. “The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty” When he and his niece are outside the theater looking for a cab, “There’s one now. If we hurry we can kick that old lady’s crutches out and beat her to it” Also in that same scene, his reason for not trusting teachers ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2003, 8:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/27 "2003-06-10T08:23:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Murcielago \* > Not my work, Robot Arm, just pointing to it. Oh, I know, but I thought that one line I cited was so glaringly wrong that it became bizarre on its own merits. ---
**Author:** ![metroshane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/aeb1de/32.png) [@metroshane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/metroshane)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2003, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/28 "2003-06-10T13:25:03Z")
80% of success is showing up. ---
**Author:** ![dantheman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dantheman/32/9421_2.png) [@dantheman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dantheman)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2003, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/29 "2003-06-10T13:37:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Robot Arm \* > \*\*“Twelve o’clock comes, they give out prizes for the best costume of the night. First prize goes to the Berkowitzes, a married couple dressed as a moose. The moose comes in second. The moose is furious. He and the Berkowitzes lock antlers in the living room. They knock each other unconscious. Now, I figure, here’s my chance. I grab the moose, strap him on my fender, and shoot back to the woods. But I’ve got the Berkowitzes…” \*\* This is such a tremendously funny bit that I have it memorized and amuse myself by reciting it in a Woody Allen voice. To complete it … (and even though I memorized it, perhaps I’m off a little …) “The following morning, the Berkowitzes wake up. Mr. Berkowitz is shot, stuffed, and mounted at the New York Athletic Club. And the joke’s on them because it’s restricted.” That ending might not even make sense if told by a comic today. ---
**Author:** ![Cliffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/59ef9b/32.png) [@Cliffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cliffy)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2003, 1:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/30 "2003-06-10T13:53:11Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by doctordoowop \* > \*\*Regarding ex wife Louise Lasser who got a driving ticket, “Well I know it wasn’t a moving yiolation.” \*\* It wasn’t Lasser, but Allen’s first wife, Harlene – aka, “The Dread Mrs. Allen,” and it was about her sexual assault. Funny line, but the fact that he not only said such a horrible thing but then proceeded to incorporate it into his act should have clued us in early that he isn’t completely the loveable nebbish he’s pretended to be. –Cliffy ---
**Author:** ![Cliffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/59ef9b/32.png) [@Cliffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cliffy)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2003, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/31 "2003-06-10T13:56:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Robot Arm \* > \*\*I grab the moose, strap him on my fender, and shoot back to the woods. But I’ve got the Berkowitzes…" \*\* You stopped before the best part! "The next morning, Mr. Berkowitz wakes up, still in the moose costume. He ends up getting shot, stuffed, and hung in the dining room of the New york Athletic Club. “_But the joke’s on them, because it’s restricted!_” –Cliffy ---
**Author:** ![dantheman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dantheman/32/9421_2.png) [@dantheman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dantheman)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2003, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/32 "2003-06-10T13:58:29Z")
Preview, Cliffy, preview! ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2003, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/33 "2003-06-10T14:14:39Z")
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achive immortality through not dying.” ---
**Author:** ![lost4life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c4cdca/32.png) [@lost4life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lost4life)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2003, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/34 "2003-06-10T15:03:30Z")
In **Sleeper** when he is revived after 200 years. Keaton: “You haven’t had sex for two-hundred years.” Allen: “Two-hundred-and-four if you count my marriage!” ---
**Author:** ![Avumede](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/avumede/32/7235_2.png) [@Avumede](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Avumede)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2003, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/35 "2003-06-10T16:46:40Z")
“Swimming isn’t a sport, it’s a way to keep yourself from drowning.” ---
**Author:** ![RenMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ecb155/32.png) [@RenMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RenMan)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2003, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/36 "2003-06-10T19:20:26Z")
**From Manhattan Murder Mystery** “Great! Claustrophobia _and_ a dead body.” (on the discovery of said body while riding in a tiny elevator) ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2003, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/37 "2003-06-10T19:25:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by metroshane \* > \*\*80% of success is showing up. \*\* Was it just 80%? I thought it was 90%. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2003, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/38 "2003-06-10T19:27:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by don’t ask \* > \*\*I don’t know where it’s from but I love the simplicity of, “I am at two with nature.” \*\* I seem to remember it was an interview, and he was explaining why he was a city guy and not a country guy. I got a real kick out of that one, too. ---
**Author:** ![Rocketeer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rocketeer/32/4437_2.png) [@Rocketeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rocketeer)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2003, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/39 "2003-06-10T20:12:19Z")
_Jade Scorpion_: Woman: “There’s a word for someone who thinks the entire world is out to get him.” Woody: “Yeah. Perceptive.” ---
**Author:** ![Cliffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/59ef9b/32.png) [@Cliffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cliffy)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2003, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/40 "2003-06-10T20:54:59Z")
Priest: This is a picture of a jew. (Shows drawing, but it cannot be seen by camera.) Young Boris: Interesting. Do they all have these horns? –Cliffy P.S. I bet **dantheman** doesn’t come up with this one! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701.md?page=3)