# Woody Allen's best single line ever! **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [June 9, 2003, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701 "2003-06-09T19:46:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![dantheman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dantheman/32/9421_2.png) [@dantheman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dantheman)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2003, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/41 "2003-06-10T21:01:41Z")
Nope. 🙂 I only memorized the moose one. ---
**Author:** ![Fiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e274bd/32.png) [@Fiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fiver)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2003, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/42 "2003-06-10T21:19:53Z")
I don’t know if this was in one of his movies, but: “After I took Evelyn Wood I was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It’s about Russia.” ---
**Author:** ![NoCoolUserName](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5fc32e/32.png) [@NoCoolUserName](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NoCoolUserName)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2003, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/43 "2003-06-10T21:34:21Z")
**Curse of the Jade Scorpion** : “I hate her just like I hate that German Chancellor with the moustache.” **Deconstructing Harry** : “Does the president think of fucking every woman he meets? Oh sorry, bad example.” **Manhattan Murder Mystery** : Carol Lipton: “Larry, I think it’s time we reevaluated our lives.” Larry Lipton: “I’ve reevaluated our lives; I got a 10, you got a 6.” **Husbands and Wives** : “It’s the Second Law of Thermodynamics: sooner or later everything turns to shit. That’s my phrasing, not the Encyclopedia Britannica.” ---
**Author:** ![SolGrundy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bbce88/32.png) [@SolGrundy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SolGrundy)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2003, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/44 "2003-06-10T21:49:22Z")
“A poem is the right words in the right order.” “So’s a dictionary.” “But would you read a dictionary to your girlfriend?” “Only if she didn’t know the definition of the word _fellatio_.” (from Allen’s comic strip) Actually my favorite line was the “Last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty,” but that’s already been mentioned. ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2003, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/45 "2003-06-10T22:09:53Z")
“I’m very proud of my watch. My grandfather…on his deathbed…sold me this watch.” ---
**Author:** ![HPL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3da27b/32.png) [@HPL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HPL)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2003, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/46 "2003-06-10T22:16:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Rocketeer \* > \*\*_Jade Scorpion_: > > Woman: “There’s a word for someone who thinks the entire world is out to get him.” > > Woody: “Yeah. Perceptive.” \*\* In \*\*Deconstructing Harry \*\*, talking about (I think) Billy Cystal’s character: Woody: he’s the very opposite of paranoid. He goes around thinking that everybody likes him. ---
**Author:** ![bonzer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/45deac/32.png) [@bonzer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bonzer)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2003, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/47 "2003-06-10T23:16:32Z")
“The moose scores.” Naturally, from the same routine already mentioned by **Robot Arm** , **dantheman** and **Cliffy**. It’s an almost throwaway line in the context of the whole story, but he delivers it so perfectly that it completely cracks me up every time I hear the recording. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2003, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/48 "2003-06-11T00:14:37Z")
> [@](#): > > So I drive up to the party and I knock on the door and the moose is next to me. My host comes to the door. I say, “Hello, you know the Solomons.” We enter. The moose mingles. Did very well. Scored. And in the finest SDMB tradition, my [cite](http://www.snopes2.com/critters/malice/kangaroo.htm) for this is on Snopes. There really is a right way to tell a joke, a phrasing and delivery that just works. (And it would be different for different people, too, but this is a Woody Allen thread.) It’s a pity you can’t hear it, but it should at least be read in the original text. ---
**Author:** ![dantheman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dantheman/32/9421_2.png) [@dantheman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dantheman)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2003, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/49 "2003-06-11T01:21:39Z")
Some guy was trying to sell him insurance for an hour and a half … ---
**Author:** ![jackelope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a6a055/32.png) [@jackelope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jackelope)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2003, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/50 "2003-06-11T01:22:43Z")
In _Annie Hall_. Annie, a terrifyingly bad driver, is attempting to parallel park. Woody (or rather his character, Alvy Singer) is in the passenger’s seat. Alvy: This is good; we can walk to the curb from here. I’ve used that line SO many times in real life. In fact it’s probably time to stop or I’ll start repeating myself to friends who’ve already heard it. (A wit becomes a half-wit pretty quickly.) ---
**Author:** ![Llama\_Llogophile](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@Llama\_Llogophile](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Llama_Llogophile)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2003, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/51 "2003-06-11T02:56:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ukulele Ike \* > \*\*“I’m very proud of my watch. My grandfather…on his deathbed…sold me this watch.” \*\* Victor Borge used to do almost exactly the same line in his act. I wonder he and Woody borrowed it from? ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2003, 7:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/52 "2003-06-11T07:15:15Z")
If it’s not original, it could be a vaudeville joke. ---
**Author:** ![Leechboy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9fc348/32.png) [@Leechboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leechboy)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2003, 8:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/53 "2003-06-11T08:04:04Z")
“The wicked at heart probably know something” ---
**Author:** ![The\_Scrivener](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@The\_Scrivener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Scrivener)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2003, 11:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/54 "2003-06-11T11:21:39Z")
“First I’ll dismember him… then I’ll _sue_ him!” ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2003, 12:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/55 "2003-06-11T12:18:26Z")
It took me years to like Woody, but his delivery, timing and one liners are so perfect, so subtle, that you miss it the first time around. I’m quite glad I’ve gotten over my dislike of him to enjoy his wit. My all time favorite movie of his, and in my all time top 5 films is: Radio Days. The scene where as a boy he was using the money from the donation tins to try to buy a Masked Adventure Ring and his parents and his Rabbi fighting over who gets to hit him is just priceless. [hijack] I know he eschews the Oscars. But after 9/11, he gave a speech. I missed that speech (and the first hour of the show) and I’ve heard it was excellent. By chance, does anyone have the transcribes of the 2002 Oscars for this? ---
**Author:** ![E.Thorp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/898d66/32.png) [@E.Thorp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/E.Thorp)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2003, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/56 "2003-06-20T06:47:25Z")
“How should I know why there were Nazis? I don’t even know how the can opener works!” –the Woody Allen character’s father in **Hannah and Her Sisters** ---
**Author:** ![leander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/bcef8e/32.png) [@leander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leander)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2003, 10:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/57 "2003-06-20T10:15:41Z")
From _Love and Death_ Sonja: Oh don’t, Boris, please. Sex without love is an empty experience. Boris: Yes, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best. ---
**Author:** ![moonchilde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3e96dc/32.png) [@moonchilde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moonchilde)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2003, 8:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/58 "2003-06-22T08:17:15Z")
From “Play It Again, Sam” he has a routine where Diane Keaton gets the good line. (Set up and first couple lines not exact, but the punch line is dead on.) Diane and Woody in bed after having had sex with each other for the first time. There’s a little of the “Wow” and “That was good” banter, with both looking very Woody and Diane like, uncomfortable as hell. Woody talk about how to hold off his orgasm he thinks about baseball. Diane comes back with “I was wondering why you kept yelling ‘Slide! Slide!’” ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2003, 10:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/59 "2003-06-28T10:15:49Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Cliffy \* > \*\*It wasn’t Lasser, but Allen’s first wife, Harlene – aka, “The Dread Mrs. Allen,” and it was about her sexual assault. Funny line, but the fact that he not only said such a horrible thing but then proceeded to incorporate it into his act should have clued us in early that he isn’t completely the loveable nebbish he’s pretended to be. > > –Cliffy \*\* I don’t get it, though. How is getting a ticket related to being assaulted? ---
**Author:** ![jimmmy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/73ab20/32.png) [@jimmmy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jimmmy)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2003, 12:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/60 "2003-06-28T12:33:01Z")
Funny stuff. The funniest line not mentioned yet, to me, is from Radio Days. The parents talk about robbed by an african american and the father tells the mother not to complain : “Who are those people going to steal from if not from us” It is very making fun of jewish-liberal-guilt in the movie, not semi-racist as it seems here completely out of context. Was this Annie Hall? Woody : What are you doing Saturday night? Girl: Committing suicide. Woody: What about Friday night? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701.md?page=4)