# Woody Allen's best single line ever! **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [June 9, 2003, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701 "2003-06-09T19:46:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Wendell\_Wagner](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/8491ac/32.png) [@Wendell\_Wagner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wendell_Wagner)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2003, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/61 "2003-06-29T04:25:42Z")
jimmmy writes: \> Funny stuff. The funniest line not mentioned yet, to me, is from \> Radio Days. The parents talk about robbed by an african \> american and the father tells the mother not to \> complain : “Who are those people going to steal from if not \> from us” No, that’s from _Annie Hall_. \> Was this Annie Hall? \> Woody : What are you doing Saturday night? \> Girl: Committing suicide. \> Woody: What about Friday night? That’s from _Play It Again, Sam_ ---
**Author:** ![Cliffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/59ef9b/32.png) [@Cliffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cliffy)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2003, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/62 "2003-06-30T17:05:50Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Rilchiam \* > \*\*I don’t get it, though. How is getting a ticket related to being assaulted? \*\* IIRC the circumstances, Harlene had been assaulted. (I don’t know the details.) A reporter asked Allen about it and in asking the question said that Harlene had been “violated.” Allen replied “Well I’m sure it wasn’t a moving violation.” That is, Harlene was such a cold fish sexually, that the perpatrator wouldn’t have gotten any gratification out of the experience. It doesn’t have anything to do with speeding tickets except that Allen made a bit of wordplay with the common phrase “moving violation,” using it in a way other than its standard meaning. –Cliffy ---
**Author:** ![X\_Slayer\_ALE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/bbe5ce/32.png) [@X\_Slayer\_ALE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/X_Slayer_ALE)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2003, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/63 "2003-06-30T18:13:38Z")
I dont remember from what interview this was from and I may be paraphrasing this a bit, WA: “With regards to sex, quality is always better than quantity, however if quantity goes below once a month I would definitely look into it.” ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2003, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/64 "2003-06-30T22:19:42Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Cliffy \* > \*\*IIRC the circumstances, Harlene had been assaulted. (I don’t know the details.) A reporter asked Allen about it and in asking the question said that Harlene had been “violated.” Allen replied “Well I’m sure it wasn’t a moving violation.” That is, Harlene was such a cold fish sexually, that the perpatrator wouldn’t have gotten any gratification out of the experience. It doesn’t have anything to do with speeding tickets except that Allen made a bit of wordplay with the common phrase “moving violation,” using it in a way other than its standard meaning. > > –Cliffy \*\* I see. :wally ---
**Author:** ![YellowTail](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/b5ac83/32.png) [@YellowTail](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YellowTail)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2003, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/65 "2003-06-30T23:13:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jackelope \* > \*\*In _Annie Hall_. Annie, a terrifyingly bad driver, is attempting to parallel park. Woody (or rather his character, Alvy Singer) is in the passenger’s seat. > > Alvy: This is good; we can walk to the curb from here.\*\* And his other great line from that scene: “You’re driving a tad rapidly.” ---
**Author:** ![Earl\_of\_Sandwhich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/91b2a8/32.png) [@Earl\_of\_Sandwhich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Earl_of_Sandwhich)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2003, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/66 "2003-06-30T23:51:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by E. Thorp \* > \*\*“How should I know why there were Nazis? I don’t even know how the can opener works!” > > –the Woody Allen character’s father in **Hannah and Her Sisters** \*\* Another gem, from the same movie: “Then there’s Nietchze with his Theory of Eternal Recurrence- he said that the life we live we’re going to live over and over again the exact same way. Great, I’ll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.” ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/67 "2003-07-01T02:34:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by doctordoowop \* > \*\*Regarding ex wife Louise Lasser who got a driving ticket, “Well I know it wasn’t a moving yiolation.” \*\* Argh, no, you’ve missed the whole joke. She had been sexually assaulted in some way, and complained to the police and publically that she had been “violated”. Woody then says “But, knowing my wife, it wasn’t a moving violation”. ---
**Author:** ![Journeyman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/779978/32.png) [@Journeyman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Journeyman)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/68 "2003-07-01T04:16:42Z")
From Love and Death, as he’s being led away by the grim reaper. Sonya: “What happened?” WA: “I got screwed!” ---
**Author:** ![Cliffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/59ef9b/32.png) [@Cliffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cliffy)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/69 "2003-07-01T14:00:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by AndrewT \* > \*\*Argh, no, you’ve missed the whole joke. \*\* I coulda sworn I’ve posted about this somewhere in this thread. 😕 –Cliffy ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/70 "2003-07-01T17:30:33Z")
In addition to those already mentioned, the scene in ALL YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX (BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK)\* in which Allen, as the court jester, becomes trapped under the queen’s skirts while trying to pry open her chastity belt. The king pulls back the skirts, see’s Allen with his face to Her Majesty’s crotch, and demands to know what he’s doing: “Well…uh…remember sire… you once said if I was ever in the palace, be sure to look up your queen.” \*Probably the most hated bestseller ever published among gays/lesbians, but the scenes with Gene Wilder and his sheep make the movie worth watching. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/71 "2003-07-01T17:46:12Z")
And the beginning of Annie Hall: There’s an old joke. Uh, two elderly women are at a Catskills mountain resort, and one of 'em says, “Boy, the food at this place is really terrible.” The other one says, “Yeah, I know, and such small portions.” Well, that’s essentially how I feel about life. Full of loneliness and misery and suffering and unhappiness, and it’s all over much too quickly. Also from Annie Hall: I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final, you know. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/72 "2003-07-01T17:50:12Z")
I can’t find the line online, but I loved his explanation of why he didn’t go through with his suicide in CRIMES AND MISDEMEANORS. I’m paraphrasing badly, but it’s to the effect of: “So I started to do it, but then I thought, if I kill myself my mother will be devastated beyond belief, so it occurred to me, then I have to kill her too, but that would devastate my father, so I decided to add him, but then who’d watch after Nana and her last years would be miserable so I’d have to add her, and before you know it it all just turned into a hypothetical bloodbath, so I decided to live.” ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/73 "2003-07-01T21:11:41Z")
**Sampiro** , that was Hannah and Her Sisters. IIRC, first it was going to be his parents as a unit, then “and I have an aunt and an uncle…you know, it would have been a bloodbath.” But he kept sitting there with the gun at his temple, undecided, until he was sweating so much that the gun slipped off, causing his finger to tighten and pull the trigger. Then he ran out of the apartment and kept walking until he got to a revival theater, where he went in and sat down to watch the Marx Brothers. That really completes the scene: his catatonic expression while Julius & Co. are doing their thing. ---
**Author:** ![japatlgt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df705f/32.png) [@japatlgt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/japatlgt)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/74 "2003-07-01T21:26:47Z")
From **Broadway Danny Rose** Mia Farrow is explaining how some mob types had rubbed out someone who fell into their disfavor - Mia Farrow: Yeah, they shot him in both eyes. Danny Rose: (incredulously) YOU MEAN HE’S BLIND!! ---
**Author:** ![Cliffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/59ef9b/32.png) [@Cliffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cliffy)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/75 "2003-07-01T21:42:08Z")
“No, he’s dead!” “Oh, of course! 'Cuz they’d go right through.” ---
**Author:** ![YellowTail](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/b5ac83/32.png) [@YellowTail](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YellowTail)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/76 "2003-07-01T23:48:13Z")
Farrow: “He was a juice man for the mob.” Allen: “He made juice for the mob???” Same move: “They’d rip the tongue out of a beard?!?!” ---
**Author:** ![YellowTail](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/b5ac83/32.png) [@YellowTail](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YellowTail)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2003, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/77 "2003-07-01T23:50:22Z")
Farrow: “He was a juice man for the mob.” Allen: “He made juice for the mob???” Same movie: “They’d rip the tongue out of a beard?!?!” Farrow: “We can take him. There’s two of us and only one of him.” Allen: “Yeah, but sweetheart, he has an ax. There’s two of us … there’ll be four of us!” ---
**Author:** ![koeeoaddi](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/koeeoaddi/32/408_2.png) [@koeeoaddi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/koeeoaddi)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2003, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701/78 "2003-07-02T01:23:10Z")
I love the scene in **Annie Hall** where the some loud mouthed guy in front of them in a movie line is pontificating about Marshall Mcluen. Woody Allen challenges him and the guy defends himself saying he teaches a class called “Media and Culture” (or something) at Columbia. Woody Allen the steps out of line and produces Mr. McLuen who castigates the guy, saying the man knew nothing about his work and how he came to be a teacher was a mystery. Woody Allen looks straight into the camera and says “Boy, if life were only like this.” 😃 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/woody-allens-best-single-line-ever/180701.md?page=3)