# Word For Male Mistress? **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [April 28, 2024, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/word-for-male-mistress/1000882 "2024-04-28T21:34:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Roderick\_Femm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/roderick_femm/32/14875_2.png) [@Roderick\_Femm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roderick_Femm)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2024, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/word-for-male-mistress/1000882/21 "2024-04-28T23:37:29Z")
If there is no question of the woman even partially supporting the man, then it’s just a lover. “She’s always had lovers, I knew about them but didn’t care.” That sort of thing. If an older woman is at least partially supporting a younger man, he might euphemistically be a “protégé,” especially if he has pretensions in the arts (c.f. Carlo in My Man Godfrey). It doesn’t have to be sexual, it may be just aspirational. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2024, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/word-for-male-mistress/1000882/22 "2024-04-28T23:41:03Z")
The pool guy? ---
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2024, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/word-for-male-mistress/1000882/23 "2024-04-28T23:41:14Z")
Toyboy. [Himbo](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Himbo). ---
**Author:** ![bibliophage](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bibliophage/32/7615_2.png) [@bibliophage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bibliophage)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2024, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/word-for-male-mistress/1000882/24 "2024-04-28T23:41:20Z")
I’m surprised the term “back-door man” isn’t better known than it seems to be from reading the posts here. Besides the Howlin’ Wolf song (written by Willie Dixon and later covered by the Doors), the term appears in other song lyrics, notably Led Zeppelin’s [Whole Lotta Love.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HibBnC6SVk8&t=285s) (the link is teed up to the lyrics “Shake for me girl, I wanna be your backdoor man”). ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2024, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/word-for-male-mistress/1000882/25 "2024-04-28T23:43:40Z")
I thought it was Boy-toy. Someone else said _friends with benefits_. I was sure that meant the benefits were of a sexual nature. 🤔 ---
**Author:** ![markn\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f9ae1b/32.png) [@markn\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/markn_1)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2024, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/word-for-male-mistress/1000882/26 "2024-04-29T01:04:37Z")
I’m also surprised that “back door man” isn’t universally known. I was introduced to it by _Whole Lotta Love_ in my youth, but I thought it was well known as a term for a man who sneaks in the back door while the woman’s husband is away. It also has another meaning, a man who practices anal intercourse, and even (according to the Historical Dictionary of American Slang), a proctologist, but I think those meanings are used less often. ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2024, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/word-for-male-mistress/1000882/27 "2024-04-29T01:13:39Z")
I heard the phrase in a few blues songs. But I thought it meant something different. While lessened stigmata may be more recent, given class was a thing and given human nature, I would _guess_ the use of a specific word was rarer than the need. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2024, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/word-for-male-mistress/1000882/28 "2024-04-29T01:42:31Z")
For lots of us, songs are not a place to gather msinstream vocabulary. I don’t recognize _any_ of the mentioned song titles. Nor most of the mentioned artists. I _might_ recognize some of the tunes if I played them. ---
**Author:** ![Si\_Amigo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/si_amigo/32/2877_2.png) [@Si\_Amigo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Si_Amigo)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2024, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/word-for-male-mistress/1000882/29 "2024-04-29T01:45:39Z")
It’s not that the backdoor man expression isn’t known, I just never hear it used. ---
**Author:** ![Monty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/monty/32/47_2.png) [@Monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monty)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2024, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/word-for-male-mistress/1000882/30 "2024-04-29T01:50:11Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > Sugar Daddy Or, to use a term I saw used in Hong Kong some years ago: _Weekend husband_. ---
**Author:** ![chela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chela/32/21582_2.png) [@chela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chela)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2024, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/word-for-male-mistress/1000882/31 "2024-04-29T01:51:24Z")
A goombah or escort. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2024, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/word-for-male-mistress/1000882/32 "2024-04-29T02:38:23Z")
I would understand “back door man” if it was used, but it strikes me as a bit too poetic for everyday use. “He’s her back door man” isn’t something that you’d hear used in everyday conversation. Now “He’s her side piece” fits the bill nicely, and is a phrase I’ve actually heard in a conversation. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2024, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/word-for-male-mistress/1000882/33 "2024-04-29T02:42:35Z")
What about “mister”? > [@Kent\_Clark](#): > > We can also fall back on the 30’s term which applied to both men and women, “long-time companion.” This is the kind of euphemism that I despise. It obscures instances of actual long-term companionship or friendship for the sake of trying to disguise an illicit lover’s relationship. It makes things less clear. “Woman of a certain age” is another one. _What_ age? I’ve never even been sure what the expression is trying to get across. ---
**Author:** ![Zyada](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zyada/32/3028_2.png) [@Zyada](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zyada)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2024, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/word-for-male-mistress/1000882/34 "2024-04-29T03:20:02Z")
> [@bibliophage](#): > > Led Zeppelin’s [Whole Lotta Love.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HibBnC6SVk8&t=285s) (the link is teed up to the lyrics “Shake for me girl, I wanna be your backdoor man”). I have never heard it outside of this song. I had a more sexually explicit interpretation of that phrase 😲 ---
**Author:** ![bordelond](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bordelond/32/150_2.png) [@bordelond](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bordelond)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2024, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/word-for-male-mistress/1000882/35 "2024-04-29T03:22:27Z")
> [@chela](#): > > A goombah or escort. Italian _cicisbeo_ is pretty much it, unless the financial-support angle must be implicit in the word. _Cicisbeo_ is supposedly borrowed into English, but its use seems to be exceedingly rare. ---
**Author:** ![Whack-a-Mole](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/whack-a-mole/32/141_2.png) [@Whack-a-Mole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whack-a-Mole)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2024, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/word-for-male-mistress/1000882/36 "2024-04-29T03:35:37Z")
> [@bibliophage](#): > > Besides the Howlin’ Wolf song (written by Willie Dixon and later covered by the Doors), the term appears in other song lyrics, notably Led Zeppelin’s [Whole Lotta Love.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HibBnC6SVk8&t=285s) > [@LSLGuy](#): > > I don’t recognize _any_ of the mentioned song titles. Nor most of the mentioned artists. I _might_ recognize some of the tunes if I played them. You do not recognize _The Doors_ or _Led Zeppelin_? Heck, my 22 year-old nephew knows them. To be fair though, I never paid very close attention to the lyrics enough that I wondered what a “backdoor man” was. Most rock lyrics don’t make much sense to me so I tend to give them little attention (usually). ---
**Author:** ![Zyada](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zyada/32/3028_2.png) [@Zyada](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zyada)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2024, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/word-for-male-mistress/1000882/37 "2024-04-29T03:50:41Z")
I’ve only seen it in Regency era romances. It’s used about a guy who escorts a married or widowed woman to social events, where the husband, if alive, is not interested in that type of event, but there is a strong implication that the cicisbeo performs other husbandly duties. The monetary aspect is mostly absent, except for the woman possibly paying for minutiae. ---
**Author:** ![Whack-a-Mole](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/whack-a-mole/32/141_2.png) [@Whack-a-Mole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whack-a-Mole)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2024, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/word-for-male-mistress/1000882/38 "2024-04-29T03:53:03Z")
> [@Zyada](#): > > cicisbeo What does that mean? (I Googled it and it was still unclear…kinda sorta got a sense of it but maybe not.) ---
**Author:** ![Elmer\_J.Fudd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/elmer_j.fudd/32/1211_2.png) [@Elmer\_J.Fudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elmer_J.Fudd)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2024, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/word-for-male-mistress/1000882/39 "2024-04-29T03:57:26Z")
It shows up in widely recognized songs, but the usage of “back door man” outside of those lyrics is pretty much confined to early 20th Century Southern Black culture. ---
**Author:** ![ParallelLines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/parallellines/32/3575_2.png) [@ParallelLines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ParallelLines)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2024, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/word-for-male-mistress/1000882/40 "2024-04-29T03:58:41Z")
Boytoy is the one I’ve heard the most, although it _almost_ always applies to a younger man, “kept” by a successful older woman, who may or may not be married. IE it isn’t exclusive to a married woman’s lover. And isn’t always full financial support in the way mistress often implies. I have seen kept man used, with more or less the specific meaning of a fully supported lover, who was expected to be exclusive to the woman, who didn’t have to be exclusive at all. And yeah, it overlapped with the trope-ish young, tan, blonde pool boy that lived on site. 🙂 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/word-for-male-mistress/1000882.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/word-for-male-mistress/1000882.md?page=3)