# Words that strike terror into your secretary's heart **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [June 6, 2003, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/words-that-strike-terror-into-your-secretarys-heart/180020 "2003-06-06T05:23:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![AnnaLucretia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e95f7d/32.png) [@AnnaLucretia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnnaLucretia)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2003, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/words-that-strike-terror-into-your-secretarys-heart/180020/21 "2003-06-06T15:26:18Z")
> [@](#): > > [B/]It’s not rocket science people \*\* In my case, it actually is! I made them change my title to “engineering assistant” the day I had to do a 28 page PowerPoint presentation on the scientific history of the satellite industry. Secretary, my ass! The worst thing I’ve heard yet today: “The CEO of [a major huge company] just locked kis keys in his rental car _while it was running_ - can you take care of that?” 20 minutes and a good relationship with someone who carries a slim jim in his truck, and he had his keys back. I think that falls under “other duties as assigned”. Anna ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2003, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/words-that-strike-terror-into-your-secretarys-heart/180020/22 "2003-06-06T16:00:42Z")
Such an easy mental leap from “My Admin Assistant is here to support me” to “Why isn’t the world set up to take care of me?” Ah Yuppies; all the _noblesse_ money can buy, and all the _oblige_ it can afford them to avoid. ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Tiger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/6de8d8/32.png) [@Mama\_Tiger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Tiger)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2003, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/words-that-strike-terror-into-your-secretarys-heart/180020/23 "2003-06-06T16:17:28Z")
I had a boss who knew better than to ever, EVER file anything herself. Which was a blessing. The curse was that she had created her filing system at least ten years before I arrived. It was based on a logical system that, to be honest, was logical ONLY in the dimmest recesses of her (otherwise intelligent) mind. She also keeps EVERYTHING. So while she’s the firm’s corporate memory in many respects, the words that used to strike true terror in my heart were: “Hey, Boss it out today. Can you find me X in her files?” (We won’t even discuss the fact that she went without a secretary prior to my arrival, meaning she didn’t file ANYTHING for a WHOLE YEAR…not to mention trying to do her own travel reimbursement requests. Took me TWO YEARS to get that one straight. Sigh.) ---
**Author:** ![teela\_brown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d9b06d/32.png) [@teela\_brown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/teela_brown)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2003, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/words-that-strike-terror-into-your-secretarys-heart/180020/24 "2003-06-06T16:41:50Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Duck Duck Goose \* > \*\*[Boss stops by desk on way to lunch]: > “I just found out that I need to fly to Singapore this afternoon and be there maybe three four days and I want to stay at the Regency Hilton and I need to meet Bob Smith-Jones for lunch there tomorrow so can you make those reservations and get me some tickets to whatever’s hot in the theater district in case I have to take him out somewhere and his wife will want to come so better make it 6 tickets in case anybody else wants to come along and I’ll need to have the hotel send up someone with a laptop I can use because my laptop isn’t working right and the last time they sent an IBM but I want a Dell this time and call Bud, Fred, Jeff, Mac, and Stan at Industries Unlimited and tell them I won’t be able to be there tomorrow because I’m in Singapore and call my wife and tell her I won’t be able to make the kid’s soccer game and send Lisa a dozen roses and include a card that says sorry sorry sorry I can’t make your birthday party tons of love from your big pink snugglebunny.” > > [leaves] \*\* I’m one of those secretaries who is proud of and relies EXTENSIVELY on her old-fashioned shorthand skills. My former boss wouldn’t think twice about rattling off all of the above without even taking a breath, and I took it all down in shorthand without batting an eye. Then I’d type it up, prioritize the tasks and have it all done in an hour. He still calls occasionally asking if I want my old job back. My current boss is a youngster who doesn’t even know what shorthand is. But shortly after I started working for him, he discovered he could _dictate a letter to me while passing by my desk!_ and I would have it ready for signature in about five minutes. What a concept! The other young boss is also catching on to this idea. I’ll get him trained. BTW, I have also mastered Word, Outlook, Excel, and any number of other office applications, so I’m not still living in 1973. ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2003, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/words-that-strike-terror-into-your-secretarys-heart/180020/25 "2003-06-06T16:45:49Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jarbabyj \* > \*\*In my particular office, with my particular boss, the greatest fear I could possibly experience is when I come in to the office and he says: > > “I was doing some work on your computer last night and _SOMETHING HAPPENED_” > > I don’t know what the hell he does on this thing, but it usually requires at least an hour or two of reinstallations and finding corrupt files. > > Once I walked into work and there was a yellow sticky note on my monitor that said: > > “OOPS” with a little frowny face. \*\* He’s probably surfing for porn. You should make sure your keyboard is cleaned with alcohol every day. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Tiger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/6de8d8/32.png) [@Mama\_Tiger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Tiger)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2003, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/words-that-strike-terror-into-your-secretarys-heart/180020/26 "2003-06-06T16:51:55Z")
One other fun one: Our firm picked up a Senior Member of the local bar, who tried to retire, dissolved his own firm, but had a few clients who wouldn’t let him stop practicing. So he came to us. A delightful gentleman, with many wonderful stories to tell, pushing 90 but still hale and hearty. So one day his secretary was out, and I was asked to help him out for the day. Great, no problem. I go in, he gives me a list of tasks to do, and then says, “And I need to dictate a letter.” I could only be honest with him: “I’m sorry, sir, I haven’t taken shorthand for at _least_ 20 years.” And his reply? “That’s okay, I’ll talk slowly!” 😃😃😃 (To my complete shock, I actually managed to not only take the shorthand, but another friend who still uses it regularly could actually READ it!) ---
**Author:** ![AnnaLucretia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e95f7d/32.png) [@AnnaLucretia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnnaLucretia)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2003, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/words-that-strike-terror-into-your-secretarys-heart/180020/27 "2003-06-06T16:55:47Z")
**Pugluvr** , no offense was intended by my shorthand comment, and I apologize if it came off as a slight. What I _should_ have made clear is that people who _only_ posess the “old-fashioned” skills are often not suited to the modern workplace. People who have both the old and the new are tremendous assistants, and should be feted and flowered on a regular basis. Anna (who can’t take shorthand but once had to take dictation from a boss who was taking a bath) ---
**Author:** ![NicePete](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ee7513/32.png) [@NicePete](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NicePete)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2003, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/words-that-strike-terror-into-your-secretarys-heart/180020/28 "2003-06-06T16:57:36Z")
Two come to mind… “Bend over and grab your ankes!” and “Does this look infected to you?” ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2003, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/words-that-strike-terror-into-your-secretarys-heart/180020/29 "2003-06-06T17:02:54Z")
My solution is to never file anything. No one else needs my data, and as long as they can’t have it, it’s more job security. If I actually do have data worth finding, I keep it at home. I don’t understand our filing system anyhow. My secretary does, but she thinks it’s just as silly and illogical as I do. But since it’s been in use since President Garfield was in office, it’s here to stay. Plus, the huge, towering piles of data around my office serve as neutron shielding. ---
**Author:** ![AnnaLucretia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e95f7d/32.png) [@AnnaLucretia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnnaLucretia)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2003, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/words-that-strike-terror-into-your-secretarys-heart/180020/30 "2003-06-06T17:21:43Z")
**Pugluvr** , no offense was intended by my shorthand comment, and I apologize if it came off as a slight. What I _should_ have made clear is that people who _only_ posess the “old-fashioned” skills are often not suited to the modern workplace. People who have both the old and the new are tremendous assistants, and should be feted and flowered on a regular basis. Anna (who can’t take shorthand but once had to take dictation from a boss who was taking a bath) ---
**Author:** ![teela\_brown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d9b06d/32.png) [@teela\_brown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/teela_brown)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2003, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/words-that-strike-terror-into-your-secretarys-heart/180020/31 "2003-06-06T17:43:02Z")
**AnnaLucretia** , no offense taken. I saw an opportunity to tout my shorthand abilities, and grabbed it with both hands. You took dictation from a boss who was taking a bath? Do tell. ---
**Author:** ![Wolfgrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e19b73/32.png) [@Wolfgrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wolfgrrl)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2003, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/words-that-strike-terror-into-your-secretarys-heart/180020/32 "2003-06-06T17:55:51Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by whistlepig \* > \*\*Um, a little off the OP, but: > > I once had a secretary change the word, “optimum” to “optional”. > > As in, “This client needs the OPTIMUM level of services” to “This client needs the OPTIONAL level of services.” > > She thought I made a typo, because she had never seen the word, “optimum” before. \*\* I once worked for a company where I was the shipping manager and the receptionist, who handled secretarial duties for everyone except the CEO, was the blonde who gives all others a bad name. One day I walked by her desk and she was typing a letter that had been handwritten by one of the sales staff. It contained a sentence to the effect that he was hoping to establish a “repore” with the prospective customer to whom it was addressed. I suggested that perhaps the word should have been “rapport.” She refused to even check the dictionary, because Mike wrote it so that’s what Mike meant. Never mind that Mike was an utter moron. Don’t know if that had anything to do with it but we didn’t get the account. Fortunately, the executive secretary was wonderful, although the CEO eventually let her go for not being snobby enough. He once called her from a payphone in the lobby of a hotel because he’d missed a connecting flight and had to stay wherever he was overnight. He needed her to call the hotel that he was in the lobby of to make him a reservation, so he could walk ten feet and check in. He was one of those rich brats who had everything taken care of for him from the moment of conception, so it never occurred to him to just walk over and ask if they had any rooms. ---
**Author:** ![elf6c](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c57346/32.png) [@elf6c](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elf6c)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2003, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/words-that-strike-terror-into-your-secretarys-heart/180020/33 "2003-06-06T17:57:48Z")
At my last firm it was “I hope you do not have plans for the night (weekend or holiday)” a favorite of partners. Even better is that they often would not be there themselves. Gee, I miss that place. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Wolfgrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e19b73/32.png) [@Wolfgrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wolfgrrl)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2003, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/words-that-strike-terror-into-your-secretarys-heart/180020/34 "2003-06-06T17:59:57Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by whistlepig \* > \*\*Um, a little off the OP, but: > > I once had a secretary change the word, “optimum” to “optional”. > > As in, “This client needs the OPTIMUM level of services” to “This client needs the OPTIONAL level of services.” > > She thought I made a typo, because she had never seen the word, “optimum” before. \*\* I once worked for a company where I was the shipping manager and the receptionist, who handled secretarial duties for everyone except the CEO, was the blonde who gives all others a bad name. One day I walked by her desk and she was typing a letter that had been handwritten by one of the sales staff. It contained a sentence to the effect that he was hoping to establish a “repore” with the prospective customer to whom it was addressed. I suggested that perhaps the word should have been “rapport.” She refused to even check the dictionary, because Mike wrote it so that’s what Mike meant. Never mind that Mike was an utter moron. Don’t know if that had anything to do with it but we didn’t get the account. Fortunately, the executive secretary was wonderful, although the CEO eventually let her go for not being snobby enough. He once called her from a payphone in the lobby of a hotel because he’d missed a connecting flight and had to stay wherever he was overnight. He needed her to call the hotel that he was in the lobby of to make him a reservation, so he could walk ten feet and check in. He was one of those rich brats who had everything taken care of for him from the moment of conception, so it never occurred to him to just walk over and ask if they had any rooms. My mom’s boss once lost his license for OUI and called his secretary, who lived 20 miles away, to bring him a box of Kleenex at 10 PM because he just realized he was out. She was glad that at least he was in the office a lot less, because otherwise she would have to repeat the daily ritual of showing him yet again how to look up stock quotes online. ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2003, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/words-that-strike-terror-into-your-secretarys-heart/180020/35 "2003-06-06T23:11:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Frankd6 \* > \*\*SNIP > “Bend over and grab your ankes!” > SNIP \*\* In other words, “E. Edward Gray is your new boss.” :eek: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/words-that-strike-terror-into-your-secretarys-heart/180020.md?page=1)