# Works on Contingency? No, Money Down! The Lionel Hutz Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [May 29, 2002, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/works-on-contingency-no-money-down-the-lionel-hutz-thread/111465 "2002-05-29T23:48:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/works-on-contingency-no-money-down-the-lionel-hutz-thread/111465/1 "2002-05-29T23:48:36Z")
Since Troy McClure is getting a thread of his own with good results, I thought that the late Phil Hartman’s other major character from _The Simpsons_, Lionel Hutz, should get one too. “Uh, Your Honor, I call for a bad…court thingy.” “A mistrial?” “Yeah! That’s why you’re the judge and I’m the law…talking…guy.” (burning his papers) “Lionel Hutz no longer exists. Say hello to Miguel Sanchez!” ---
**Author:** ![pldennison](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/9fc29f/32.png) [@pldennison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pldennison)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/works-on-contingency-no-money-down-the-lionel-hutz-thread/111465/2 "2002-05-29T23:53:35Z")
Hutz: Mrs Simpson, your sexual harassment case is just what I need to rebuild my shattered career! Care to join me in a belt of Scotch? Marge: But it’s 9:30 in the morning! Hutz: Yeah, but I haven’t slept in three days! ---
**Author:** ![K364](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/k364/32/5_2.png) [@K364](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/K364)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/works-on-contingency-no-money-down-the-lionel-hutz-thread/111465/3 "2002-05-30T00:05:46Z")
Now Apu, Mrs. Simpsons claims she forgot she was carrying that bottle of… delicious bourbon. Brownest of the brown liquors. What’s that? You want me to drink you? I’m in the middle of a trial. ---
**Author:** ![World\_Eater](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@World\_Eater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/World_Eater)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/works-on-contingency-no-money-down-the-lionel-hutz-thread/111465/4 "2002-05-30T00:22:13Z")
Thats Ok the box is empty. I still laugh everytime I see that episode. ---
**Author:** ![Katisha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bcef8e/32.png) [@Katisha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Katisha)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/works-on-contingency-no-money-down-the-lionel-hutz-thread/111465/5 "2002-05-30T01:17:09Z")
Great idea – I think Lionel Hutz is even funnier than Troy McClure, personally… “I’ve argued in front of every judge in this county – often as a lawyer!” ---
**Author:** ![Jello](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f05b48/32.png) [@Jello](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jello)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/works-on-contingency-no-money-down-the-lionel-hutz-thread/111465/6 "2002-05-30T01:22:02Z")
“It’s okay, Marge, we’re…uh-oh. We’ve drawn Judge Snyder.” “What’s wrong with Judge Snyder?” “Well, he’s had it in for me after I kinda ran over his dog.” “You ran over his dog!?!” “Well, replace the word ‘kinda’ with ‘repeatedly’ and ‘dog’ with ‘son.’” ---
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/works-on-contingency-no-money-down-the-lionel-hutz-thread/111465/7 "2002-05-30T01:43:09Z")
Homer, this is the worst case of false advertising since my suit against the film _The Neverending Story_. ---
**Author:** ![Neidhart](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Neidhart](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neidhart)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/works-on-contingency-no-money-down-the-lionel-hutz-thread/111465/8 "2002-05-30T01:44:04Z")
“Hey, his briefcase is full of shredded newspapers!” ---
**Author:** ![Ripple](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b2d939/32.png) [@Ripple](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ripple)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/works-on-contingency-no-money-down-the-lionel-hutz-thread/111465/9 "2002-05-30T01:52:18Z")
That was a right-pretty speech, sir. But I ask you, what is a contract? Webster’s defines it as “an agreement under the law which is unbreakable.” Which is unbreakable! Excuse me, I must use the restroom. ---
**Author:** ![ResIpsaLoquitor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b3f665/32.png) [@ResIpsaLoquitor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ResIpsaLoquitor)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/works-on-contingency-no-money-down-the-lionel-hutz-thread/111465/10 "2002-05-30T01:59:00Z")
Hutz: “Sideshow Bob, did you rig the election?” Bob: “Why no, I most certainly did not.” Hutz: :::awkward pause::: “Kids, help.” ---
**Author:** ![ElwoodCuse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/edb3f5/32.png) [@ElwoodCuse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElwoodCuse)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/works-on-contingency-no-money-down-the-lionel-hutz-thread/111465/11 "2002-05-30T19:37:19Z")
The best proof that Lionel Hutz rules is that in this season’s finally, Gil as the Simpsons attorney made me want to blow up my TV. Skinner: Is there an Orange Julius stand on this level? Hutz: I’ll sell you mine, it’s almost full. Skinner: I’d rather drink out of a toilet! Hutz: He’ll be back. “I’ve got plenty of hearsay and conjecture, those are _kinds_ of evidence…” ---
**Author:** ![Protesilaus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Protesilaus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Protesilaus)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/works-on-contingency-no-money-down-the-lionel-hutz-thread/111465/12 "2002-05-30T20:10:34Z")
Hutz: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m going to prove to you not only that Freddy Quimby is guilty, but that he is also innocent of _not_ being guilty. I refer you to my expert witness, Dr. Hibbert. Hibbert: Well, only one in two million people has what we call the “evil gene”. Hitler had it, Walt Disney had it, and Freddy Quimby has it. Hutz: Thank you, Dr. Hibbert. I rest my case. Judge: You rest your case? Hutz: What? Oh no, I thought that was just a figure of speech. Case closed.