# World's Funniest Joke -- Update **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 3, 2010, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke-update/559350 "2010-11-03T17:43:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Mahaloth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mahaloth/32/1079_2.png) [@Mahaloth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mahaloth)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2010, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke-update/559350/81 "2010-11-08T01:33:07Z")
And I’ll add one. An older, retired couple is driving along the road. The husband is driving and is busy texting on his new cell phone. He’s not so great at it since it is a new technology for him and he’s doing his best. Suddenly, they hear a siren behind them and, sure enough, they can see a police car pulling them over. As they pull over, the husband says, “Honey, don’t say anything. Texting while driving is illegal now. I’ll do all the talking.” The officer reaches the card, leans in, and say, “Excuse me, sir. Any idea why I pulled you over?” “No, none at all,” replies the husband. “Well, it looked like you were texting. That’s illegal while driving,” said the officer. “Oh, no…no way. I don’t know anything about that ‘texting’ thing. I swear.” The officer says, “Well, I know what I saw. I’m gonnna have to issue a citation…” Suddenly and impulsively, the wife leans over the husband and says, “Listen, officer, I’ve been married to this man for 50 years and I have learned one thing for sure about him.” “What’s that?” says the officer. “Never argue with him when he’s drunk,” she replies. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![gonzomax](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e8c25b/32.png) [@gonzomax](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gonzomax)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2010, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke-update/559350/82 "2010-11-08T01:49:55Z")
Guy goes to doctor and tells him he has a small growth on his forehead. Doc checks it out and says, I have heard of this. In about 6 weeks It will grow into a penis. Patient say" doc cut it of". Doc says I can’t it is connected to your brain. Patient says"you mean in 6 weeks I will get up every morning and look in the mirror and see a penis’. Doc says "hell no, the balls will cover up your eyes’. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2010, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke-update/559350/83 "2010-11-08T02:23:25Z")
Salesman knocks at a door. An eight year old boy dressed in lacy black lingerie answers the door, holding a cigar in one hand and a glass of brandy in the other. Salesman stammers, “Err…are your parents home?” Boy takes a drink, looks at the salesman. “What do you think?” ---
**Author:** ![Nobody](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/94ad74/32.png) [@Nobody](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nobody)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2010, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke-update/559350/84 "2010-11-08T02:33:36Z")
Guy getting an eye exam Doctor: You really should stop masturbating. Guy: Why? Because it really can make you go blind? Doctor: No, because you’re making me uncomfortable. ---
**Author:** ![Suil\_Dubh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/85f322/32.png) [@Suil\_Dubh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Suil_Dubh)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2010, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke-update/559350/85 "2010-11-08T13:22:04Z")
Did you know? Somewhere in the world, every three minutes, a woman gives birth. She must be found and stopped. ---
**Author:** ![Wallenstein](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/b5a626/32.png) [@Wallenstein](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wallenstein)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2010, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke-update/559350/86 "2010-11-08T13:38:26Z")
> [@Suil\_Dubh](#): > > Did you know? Somewhere in the world, every three minutes, a woman gives birth. > > She must be found and stopped. Reminds me of this one… Bob Geldof was touring after the Live Aid concerts to promote action on poverty. At one gig in Glasgow he stood on stage and asked for silence; once the crowd was quiet he started clapping slowly. “Did you know that every time I clap my hands a child in Africa dies” Came the reply: “Well stop f\*cking clapping then” ---
**Author:** ![Nobody](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/94ad74/32.png) [@Nobody](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nobody)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2010, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke-update/559350/87 "2010-11-08T20:37:16Z")
A little boy opens his parents bedroom door while they’re making love with the mother bouncing up and down on the father. Later on the boy asks about what he saw. The mother explains, “I’m deflating daddy. I bounce up and down on his stomach to push the air out.” The little boy replies, “That’s OK. Every morning after you go to work the neighbor lady comes over and blows him back up again.” ---
**Author:** ![Zeldar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b77776/32.png) [@Zeldar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeldar)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2010, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke-update/559350/88 "2010-11-08T20:51:14Z")
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, “Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!” Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, “It reminded me of a peanut.” Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally’s Mom asked, “Really small, was it?” Sally replied, “No… Salty.” Mom fainted. ---
**Author:** ![Sister\_Vigilante](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9de0a6/32.png) [@Sister\_Vigilante](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sister_Vigilante)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2010, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke-update/559350/89 "2010-11-08T21:07:33Z")
> [@Wallenstein](#): > > Reminds me of this one… > > Bob Geldof was touring after the Live Aid concerts to promote action on poverty. > > At one gig in Glasgow he stood on stage and asked for silence; once the crowd was quiet he started clapping slowly. > > “Did you know that every time I clap my hands a child in Africa dies” > > Came the reply: “Well stop f\*cking clapping then” This is told about Bono as well. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2010, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke-update/559350/90 "2010-11-08T22:31:02Z")
Mrs. Brown is in the kitchen, doing dishes, when her husband, Farmer Brown, walks in, carrying a sheep under his arm. “This is the disgusting pig I’ve been sleeping with every night for the last five years,” announces Farmer Brown. “John, you daft old fool,” replies his wife, “That’s not a pig. That’s a sheep.” “I was talking to the sheep.” ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2010, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke-update/559350/91 "2010-11-08T22:49:59Z")
> [@Mahaloth](#): > > I just got “smell mop who”. I had to say it over and over in my mind. > > Glad I didn’t say it out loud. Knock knock Who’s there? I’m a pile-up ---
**Author:** ![palindromemordnilap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/db5fbb/32.png) [@palindromemordnilap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/palindromemordnilap)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2010, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke-update/559350/92 "2010-11-08T22:55:43Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Thank you. Now that it’s been explained, I find it totally unfunny. Had I known a little more about medieval English history, I probably would have lol’d. Same experience here–don’t get it, oh I see, not funny–but for some reason I got a chuckle from your comment. ---
**Author:** ![palindromemordnilap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/db5fbb/32.png) [@palindromemordnilap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/palindromemordnilap)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2010, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke-update/559350/93 "2010-11-08T23:01:58Z")
Originally Posted by Wallenstein Reminds me of this one… Bob Geldof was touring after the Live Aid concerts to promote action on poverty. At one gig in Glasgow he stood on stage and asked for silence; once the crowd was quiet he started clapping slowly. “Did you know that every time I clap my hands a child in Africa dies” Came the reply: “Well stop f\*cking clapping then” > [@Sister\_Vigilante](#): > > This is told about Bono as well. Geldof: “Did you know that every time I clap my hands Bono dies?” Yeah, that is funnier. ---
**Author:** ![Zeldar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b77776/32.png) [@Zeldar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeldar)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2013, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke-update/559350/94 "2013-10-15T14:45:07Z")
How can a joke thread be a zombie? ---
**Author:** ![BrickaBracka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c5a1d2/32.png) [@BrickaBracka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrickaBracka)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2013, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke-update/559350/95 "2013-10-15T16:30:46Z")
> [@Zeldar](#): > > If we’ve had one of these threads in recent times, just post a link to it and don’t worry about responding here. > > [World's funniest joke - Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World%27s_funniest_joke) > > What’s funnier? From your cite: > [@](#): > > Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?” That’s HILARIOUS! Alas I have no contribution. I’m sure I’ve heard of good ones, but I can’t immediately recall them. I just felt the need to put this joke directly in the thread for the benefit of anyone who may be disinclined to click on links for fear of spam/malware/overacting webfilters. ---
**Author:** ![MaxTheVool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9fc29f/32.png) [@MaxTheVool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MaxTheVool)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2013, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke-update/559350/96 "2013-10-15T17:50:20Z")
> [@AnalogSignal](#): > > Two elephants are sitting in the bathtub. One elephant says to the other, “Pass the soap”. The second elephant replies, “No soap, radio!” I don’t get it. ---
**Author:** ![MadTheSwine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9fc29f/32.png) [@MadTheSwine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MadTheSwine)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2013, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke-update/559350/97 "2013-10-15T18:09:43Z")
> [@MaxTheVool](#): > > I don’t get it. I don’t either. What did the fish say when he ran into a wall? Dam! What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh. ---
**Author:** ![Zeldar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b77776/32.png) [@Zeldar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeldar)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2013, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke-update/559350/98 "2013-10-15T18:22:21Z")
> [@AnalogSignal](#): > > Two elephants are sitting in the bathtub. One elephant says to the other, “Pass the soap”. The second elephant replies, “No soap, radio!” > [@MaxTheVool](#): > > I don’t get it. > [@MadTheSwine](#): > > I don’t either. > > What did the fish say when he ran into a wall? > > Dam! > > What do you call a fish with no eyes? > > Fsh. This may help, may not: [No soap radio](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No_soap_radio) You might even try [no soap…radio](http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=no%20soap...radio) ---
**Author:** ![Dendarii\_Dame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bbce88/32.png) [@Dendarii\_Dame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dendarii_Dame)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2013, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke-update/559350/99 "2013-10-15T18:38:25Z")
[http://www.funny.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects/Funny.woa/wa/funny?fn=CAAP](http://www.funny.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects/Funny.woa/wa/funny?fn=CAAP) The cite tells it a lot better than I do. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2013, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke-update/559350/100 "2013-10-15T18:56:16Z")
> [@MadTheSwine](#): > > What do you call a fish with no eyes? > > Fsh. What do I have if I have a deer with no eyes? I got no-eye deer. What if the deer’s dead? Still no-eye deer. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke-update/559350.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke-update/559350.md?page=6)