# World's funniest joke **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [June 9, 2006, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke/360131 "2006-06-09T22:33:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![Chanteuse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de053/32.png) [@Chanteuse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chanteuse)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2006, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke/360131/161 "2006-07-01T03:23:10Z")
[QUOTE=The New and Improved Superman] Jesus is walking through Jerusalem one day and sees an angry mob, all with stones in hand, chasing down a wanton woman. Jesus quickly intervenes. “But Jesus, can’t you see this woman is a prostitute and deserves to be stoned to death!” shouts out one angry man. “May the sinless person cast the first stone.” Jesus calmly replies. One by one, all the people in the mob become shame-faced, and guiltily drop their rocks to the ground…all except one old woman, who throws the rock with such force that it instantly strikes the wanton woman dead. Jesus looked at the lifeless woman, and then at the elderly woman, and said in exasperation: “Mom!” [/QUOTE] The way I heard it was this (punch line only): A huge boulder dropped from the sky on the woman, crushing her instantly, and Jesus looked up and said, “Aw, come on, Dad–I’m trying to make a point here!” ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2006, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke/360131/162 "2006-07-01T17:50:24Z")
[QUOTE=The Sonoran Lizard King] Two Irishmen are sitting next to each other in the pub, when one strikes up a conversation. [/QUOTE] This joke is much funnier if they buy each other a round after each exchange, IMO :). Daniel ---
**Author:** ![Khampelf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Khampelf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khampelf)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2006, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke/360131/163 "2006-07-01T20:44:18Z")
[QUOTE=Left Hand of Dorkness] This joke is much funnier if they buy each other a round after each exchange, IMO :). Daniel [/QUOTE] I’ll remember that, thanks. I tell a good joke in person, translated to text, not so much. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Othersider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/cab0a1/32.png) [@Othersider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Othersider)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2006, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke/360131/164 "2006-07-01T22:10:39Z")
[QUOTE=Left Hand of Dorkness] This joke is much funnier if they buy each other a round after each exchange, IMO :). [/QUOTE] Also (and please forgive me for nitpicking, **Lizard King** ), the name McLeary sounds like they’d be from Scotland, not Ireland. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![picunurse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7bcc69/32.png) [@picunurse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/picunurse)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2006, 5:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke/360131/165 "2006-07-02T05:17:12Z")
[QUOTE=Sage Rat] Not the worlds funniest, but rather the longest joke: [Read it here](http://twistedforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=8681) And yes, it really is long. [/QUOTE] You didn’t have to go so far to find[that one](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=314287&highlight=Shaggy+stories) ---
**Author:** ![DfrntBreign](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f6c823/32.png) [@DfrntBreign](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DfrntBreign)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2006, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke/360131/166 "2006-07-02T05:46:20Z")
A father was at the zoo with his daughter when they saw two tigers mating. “What are those kitties doing, Daddy?” the little girl asked. Not totally unprepared, the father explained, “They’re mating, honey. That’s how they make baby tigers. The one on the bottom is the mommy tiger and the one on the top is the daddy.” The little girl thought about it, but said no more. A few days later, they were in the park and saw two dogs going at it. The little girl said, “Daddy, look. Those dogs are making baby dogs like the tigers were, hunh?” That’s right, honey," said the father, proud that his daughter was so smart. “And the one on top is the daddy dog, and the one on bottom is the mommy dog?” asked the little girl. “That’s very good! Look how smart you are,” said Dad. Another couple of days and they are in the garden where they spy two spiders. “Look, Daddy, spiders!” says the girl. “That’s right, Honey. Those are called Grandaddy Long-Legs,” says the proud Papa. “So is the one on the bottom called Grandma Long-legs and the one on top called Grandaddy?” asked the little girl. “No, Sweetie,” says Dad, laughing. “They are both Grandaddy Long-Legs.” The little girl looks at the spiders, then looks at Dad, then looks back at the copulating spiders. Suddenly she stomps on them saying, “Well, we’re not havin’ any of that that shit in _this_ garden!” ---
**Author:** ![Gorsnak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gorsnak/32/7587_2.png) [@Gorsnak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gorsnak)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2006, 7:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke/360131/167 "2006-07-02T07:03:23Z")
What do you do with an elephant with three balls? Walk him and pitch to the rhino ---
**Author:** ![picunurse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7bcc69/32.png) [@picunurse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/picunurse)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2006, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke/360131/168 "2006-07-02T13:57:10Z")
[QUOTE=Raguleader] “…and I remember thinking… the joke just wasn’t that funny.” – Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: (in a mournful Yiddish accent) “Don’t worry about it. I’ll just sit in the dark.” * * * One that never fails to amuse us here at Texas A&M: Q: How many Aggies does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one, AND THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT WE’RE GONNA DO TO 'EM, AGS! As you can tell, some of us are pretty economically amused 😃 [/QUOTE] Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Don’ mind me, Marvin, I’ll just go blind. Did you hear the the Aggies didn’t go to Padre Island for spring break this year? They heard there was a war in the Gulf. ---
**Author:** ![M.Meursault](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b487fb/32.png) [@M.Meursault](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/M.Meursault)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2006, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke/360131/169 "2006-07-02T14:00:35Z")
Q: Do you know what George W. Bush got on his SATS? A: Drool. ---
**Author:** ![Durkasaurus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/898d66/32.png) [@Durkasaurus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Durkasaurus)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2006, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke/360131/170 "2006-07-02T23:10:15Z")
Why did the plane crash? Because the pilot was a loaf of bread! Yeah, it takes a certain kind of sense of humour to appreciate that. ---
**Author:** ![Hostile\_Dialect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e495f1/32.png) [@Hostile\_Dialect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hostile_Dialect)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2006, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke/360131/171 "2006-07-02T23:36:57Z")
No soap, radio! ---
**Author:** ![Kozmik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8dc957/32.png) [@Kozmik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kozmik)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2006, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke/360131/172 "2006-07-06T02:30:29Z")
A philosopher, a psychiatrist, and a priest stare down at the utter carnage of a plane wreck. The philosopher muses “_this_ can’t be ‘the best of all possible worlds’”. The psychiatrist concludes “the pilot must have been insane”. The priest affirms that “this proves God is always in control”. All three were looking at the bumper sticker at the end of the plane: God is my co-pilot. ---
**Author:** ![Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e47c2d/32.png) [@Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biffy_the_Elephant_Shrew)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2006, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke/360131/173 "2006-07-06T03:15:50Z")
A five-year-old girl accompanied her father to the barber shop. To keep her happy while he was getting his hair cut, her father had bought her a pack of Twinkies. As the barber snipped away, the little girl hung around right beside him, Twinkie in hand, fascinated by the process. Wishing she’d get out from underfoot, the barber warned, “Honey, you’re going to get hair on your Twinkie!” The little girl replied, “I know. I’m going to get boobs, too, but not till I’m twelve.” ---
**Author:** ![Danalan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/76d3ee/32.png) [@Danalan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Danalan)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2006, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke/360131/174 "2006-07-06T03:37:14Z")
How many Surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to fill the bathtub with brightly painted machine parts, and one to hold the giraffe. ---
**Author:** ![Khampelf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Khampelf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khampelf)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2006, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke/360131/175 "2006-07-06T04:29:38Z")
[QUOTE=Othersider] Also (and please forgive me for nitpicking, **Lizard King** ), the name McLeary sounds like they’d be from Scotland, not Ireland. 😉 [/QUOTE] Yeah, but If I did the joke with two drunken Scotsmen, people might think I was talking about the Proclaimers [http://www.proclaimers.co.uk/2003/the\_music.html](http://www.proclaimers.co.uk/2003/the_music.html) ---
**Author:** ![Moe\_Szyslak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ba0ec/32.png) [@Moe\_Szyslak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moe_Szyslak)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2006, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke/360131/176 "2006-07-06T16:55:35Z")
A travelling salesman walks up to a farmer’s home and knocks. While he is waiting for the farmer to open the door, he notices a pig on the front porch with only three legs. When the farmer does come out of the house, the salesman says “What’s the story on the three-legged pig?” The farmer says “Well that’s a very special pig. One night our house was on fire and this pig came in and dragged me, my wife and our three children out before we were harmed”. The salesman says “That sounds like a very special pig, but why does he only have three legs?” The farmer says “Well sir, with a pig that special, you don’t eat him all at once”. ---
**Author:** ![bbs2k](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e495f1/32.png) [@bbs2k](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bbs2k)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2006, 10:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke/360131/177 "2006-07-22T10:08:34Z")
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender go’s “Why the long face?” ---
**Author:** ![TastesLikeBurning](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/839c29/32.png) [@TastesLikeBurning](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TastesLikeBurning)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2006, 11:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke/360131/178 "2006-07-22T11:21:59Z")
Not the exact one I tell, but for the sake of brevity… \*A young man is walking down by the docks one day and decides to stop by a bar and have a beer. He walks into a bar, and sees a grizzled old fisherman, crying into his beer. Curious, the young man sits down and says, “Hey old timer, why the long face?” The old man looks at him and points out the window, “See that dock out there? I built that dock with my own two hands, plank by plank, nail by nail, but do they call me Simon the dockbuilder? No,no.” The old man continued, "And see that ship out there? I’ve been fishing these waters for going on thirty-five years! but do they call me Simon the fisherman? No,no. " The old man starts to cry again, "But you fuck one goat …\* ---
**Author:** ![Critical\_Mass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f1d935/32.png) [@Critical\_Mass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Critical_Mass)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2006, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke/360131/179 "2006-07-22T22:20:27Z")
[QUOTE=bigbabysweets2000] A horse walks into a bar, the bartender go’s “Why the long face?” [/QUOTE] A variation that works just as well… Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says “Celine, why the long face?” … How do you stop bacon from curling in the pan? Take away the brooms. ---
**Author:** ![freckafree](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freckafree/32/3050_2.png) [@freckafree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/freckafree)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2006, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke/360131/180 "2006-07-22T23:07:23Z")
As a native of West-by-God-Virginia, I am shocked, shocked by the demeaning WV/hillbilly jokes I have read in this thread. So I offer these: Two guys were interviewing for a high powered, high salary position at a pretigious company. One was a Harvard graduate. The other guy was from West Virginia. The Harvard grad goes in first, and the CEO says, “It’s important for me to know that you have the ability to think on your feet, so I am going to ask only one thing of you. Right now, on the spot, I want you to compose a poem that ends in the word Timbuktu.” The Harvard man thinks for 30 seconds or so and says, “Across the burning desert sands Came an Arab caravan, Horses and camels two by two On their way to Timbuktu.” The CEO thanks him and ushers the West Virginian into his office. The CEO poses the same question and the West Viriginian quickly responds, “Me and Tim a huntin’ went And we found three whores in a tent. They was three, but we was two So I bucked one and Tim bucked two.” OK, just one more. How many West Virginians does it take to eat a possum? Two, because one has to watch for cars. Hmmm. I guess I haven’t helped the cause much, have I? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke/360131.md?page=8) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worlds-funniest-joke/360131.md?page=10)