# WORST fictional captains?
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-fictional-captains/228742
**Category:** Cafe Society
**Created:** [February 11, 2004, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-fictional-captains/228742 "2004-02-11T23:21:54Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)
#### Post date: [February 11, 2004, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-fictional-captains/228742/1 "2004-02-11T23:21:54Z")
…or other commanding officers? Non-Naval commanders count, too, but _only_ commissioned officers.
My picks?
Note: Possible SPOILERS to follow.
•Capt. Zaff Brannigan from _Futurama._
Built an amazing military record mostly by attacking completely defenseless planets. Obviously a body-proud narcissist (and unjustifiably so). Egomaniac. Abusive towards his yeoman.
•Lt. Cmdr. Queeg from _The Caine Mutiny_
Incompetant, paranoid. Known to play with his balls in public. ( 😉 )
•Lt. Gorman from _Aliens_
If not an outright _bad_ leader, he was still as green as a sapling…and a lot of Marines got killed because of it.
So…any other nominees for this proud list?
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### Author:  [@Gala\_Matrix\_Fire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gala_Matrix_Fire)
#### Post date: [February 11, 2004, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-fictional-captains/228742/2 "2004-02-11T23:27:33Z")
Michael Jackson as _Captain Eo_.
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### Author:  [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)
#### Post date: [February 11, 2004, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-fictional-captains/228742/3 "2004-02-11T23:37:48Z")
Snap, Crackle and Pop have routinely made Cap’n Crunch their bitch.
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### Author:  [@JDeMobray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JDeMobray)
#### Post date: [February 11, 2004, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-fictional-captains/228742/4 "2004-02-11T23:47:01Z")
Capt. Kathryn Janeway - The worst Starfleet Captain ever to survive the episode that indroduced her. I suppose the fact that she couldn’t even spell her own name right should have been a clue. (No, it isn’t. Shut up.)
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### Author:  [@Sam\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sam_Stone)
#### Post date: [February 12, 2004, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-fictional-captains/228742/5 "2004-02-12T01:47:06Z")
All the _Star Trek_ captains that ran their ships by committee.
“Full speed ahead!”
“Captain, are you sure that’s wise?”
“Captain, I’m sensing conflicting emotions about our direction!”
“Captain, I have to go to the bathroom first!”
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### Author:  [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)
#### Post date: [February 12, 2004, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-fictional-captains/228742/6 "2004-02-12T01:51:40Z")
[Kaptain Kool](http://www.bradyhour.com/sc1fff.JPG) (w/a Kong).
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### Author:  [@Fern\_Forest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fern_Forest)
#### Post date: [February 12, 2004, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-fictional-captains/228742/7 "2004-02-12T02:23:52Z")
> [@Ranchoth](#):
>
> •Capt. Zaff Brannigan from _Futurama._
Zapp Brannigan.
From the same show youcan nominate Bender. When made Captin of the Planet Express ship it went right to his head, right Squishy? He alienated his first mate, refused to drink and undrunkenly crashed the the tanker he was towing onto the penguin preserve on Pluto. Those poor, poor penguins.
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### Author:  [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)
#### Post date: [February 12, 2004, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-fictional-captains/228742/8 "2004-02-12T02:28:44Z")
The worst captain of all time? I got two words for ya: [Muskrat Love](http://captainandtennille.net/)
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### Author:  [@Laughing\_Lagomorph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Laughing_Lagomorph)
#### Post date: [February 12, 2004, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-fictional-captains/228742/9 "2004-02-12T02:44:01Z")
The Captain in _The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy_ who was commanding the ship that carried all the hairdressers and telephone sanitizers. You know, the guy in the bathtub. (Don’t have a copy handy but I don’t think he was even given a name. What planet were they from, though?).
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### Author:  [@Darkhold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darkhold)
#### Post date: [February 12, 2004, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-fictional-captains/228742/10 "2004-02-12T02:44:58Z")
Janeway. I wasn’t really digging on voyager anyway but then I watched a show where they stole some guys lungs (Neelix?) they chase down the bad guys only to find the lungs are implanted in an alien and they can’t take them out without killing the alien. Her reply? Some b.s. about not dropping to their level. WTF! It was done in a really sappy morality play but it couldn’t be clearer. They stole a guys lungs and left him to die. Take them back. Heh and Neelix was in this huge thing that if he moved an inch either way he would die. And here’s Janeway dooming him to a life of that. Good thing the ship never gets tossed around.
The first Captain on B5 (yes I know he has supporters) seemed like a hound dog not the man of action he was supposed to be. I totally didn’t buy him in the action scenes.
The Captain of the Titanic. Ok I never saw the movie but I think it’s pretty obvious why he sucked.
Any Non-Cherek captain of any book in that David Eddings series. I know race XXX or YYY wasn’t supposed to be as good but they seem to lack even basic sea going knowledge. One would think they would have sunk early in their careers if they were that stupid.
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### Author:  [@racinchikki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/racinchikki)
#### Post date: [February 12, 2004, 4:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-fictional-captains/228742/11 "2004-02-12T04:51:39Z")
I don’t think the captain of the Titanic counts as fictional, even if somebody did play him in a movie.
Horatio Hornblower’s first lieutenancy was served under a paranoid schizophrenic. He made for a pretty poor captain.
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### Author:  [@Darkhold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darkhold)
#### Post date: [February 12, 2004, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-fictional-captains/228742/12 "2004-02-12T04:55:51Z")
racinchikki,
you do know I was kidding about the Titanic captain right? 😃
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### Author:  [@Fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fish)
#### Post date: [February 12, 2004, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-fictional-captains/228742/13 "2004-02-12T05:02:27Z")
Golgafrincham, wasn’t it, **LL**?
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### Author:  [@Manduck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Manduck)
#### Post date: [February 12, 2004, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-fictional-captains/228742/14 "2004-02-12T05:03:00Z")
Captain Peachfuzz from the Bullwinkle show. Needed his navigational errors corrected by a squirrel.
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### Author:  [@Hunter\_Hawk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hunter_Hawk)
#### Post date: [February 12, 2004, 5:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-fictional-captains/228742/15 "2004-02-12T05:52:05Z")
Colonel Harkening didn’t even bring his ship back with him.
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### Author:  [@spiralscratch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/spiralscratch)
#### Post date: [February 12, 2004, 7:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-fictional-captains/228742/16 "2004-02-12T07:09:12Z")
I never much cared for [Captain Caveman](http://www.internationalhero.co.uk/caveman.jpg)
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### Author:  [@Honesty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Honesty)
#### Post date: [February 12, 2004, 7:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-fictional-captains/228742/17 "2004-02-12T07:42:59Z")
> [@Darkhold](#):
>
> Janeway. I wasn’t really digging on voyager anyway but then I watched a show where they stole some guys lungs (Neelix?) they chase down the bad guys only to find the lungs are implanted in an alien and they can’t take them out without killing the alien. Her reply? Some b.s. about not dropping to their level. WTF! It was done in a really sappy morality play but it couldn’t be clearer. They stole a guys lungs and left him to die. Take them back. Heh and Neelix was in this huge thing that if he moved an inch either way he would die. And here’s Janeway dooming him to a life of that. Good thing the ship never gets tossed around.
Oh c’mon, I liked Janeway. ☹
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### Author:  [@Odinoneeye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odinoneeye)
#### Post date: [February 12, 2004, 7:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-fictional-captains/228742/18 "2004-02-12T07:49:07Z")
Odysseus
It took him 10 years just to get around the Mediterranian and lost everybody in the process.
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### Author:  [@Starguard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Starguard)
#### Post date: [February 12, 2004, 10:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-fictional-captains/228742/19 "2004-02-12T10:52:09Z")
My worst (but funniest) captain is “Captain Stern” from the first Heavy Metal Animated Movie
STERNNN…
He’s nothin but a…
Low Down
Double Dealin
Back Stabbin
Larcenous
Perverted Worm
Hangin’s too good for em
Burnin’s too good for em
He should be torn into itsy bitsy pieces
and buried aliiiive
I’ll kill him
KILL STERNNN
ROFL - Man that guy was wild 😃
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### Author:  [@SkeptiJess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkeptiJess)
#### Post date: [February 12, 2004, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-fictional-captains/228742/20 "2004-02-12T12:50:31Z")
Captain Morton from Mister Roberts by Thomas Heggen. From the introduction:
“Captain Morton is a tall bulging middle-aged man with a weak chin and a ragged moustache. He is bow-legged and broad-beamed (for which the crew would substitute ‘lard-assed’), and he walks with the absurd roll of an animated Popeye. If you ask, any crew member will give you the bill of particulars against the Captain, but he will be surprised that you find it necessary to ask. He will tell you that the man is stupid, incompetent, petty, vicious, treacherous. The signalmen or yeomen will insist that he is unable to understand the simplest message or letter. Anyone in the deck divisions will tell you he is far more concerned with keeping the decks clear of cigarette butts than with discharging cargo, his nominal mission. All of the crew will tell you of the petty persecution he directs against them: the preposterous insistence (for an auxiliary operating in the rear areas) that men topside wear hats and shirts at all times; the shouting and grumbling and name-calling; the stubborn refusal to permit recreation parties ashore; the absurd and constantly increasing prohibitions against leaning on the rail, sleeping on deck, gum-chewing, heavy-soled shoes, that and this and that. And you will be told with damning finality that the man is vulgar, foul-mouthed. In an indelicate community this charge may appear surprising, but of all it is clearly the most strongly laid.”
And the officers didn’t like him either.
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