I submit a little known 1984 TV movie called Velvet.
It was about … and I kid you not … a team of hot female secret government agents who work through a worldwide chain of aerobics studios called “Velvet.”
Spandex? To the max!
Leg Warmers? Out the wazoo!
80s hair? You betcha! Shari Belafonte in her trademark headband and Sheree Wilson in her pre-Walker Texas Ranger days sporting a full bush of bouffed up 80s hair.
Aerobics? Only a TON of it!
Bad Charlie’s Angels imitations? Everywhere!
The plotline alone tells you how bad it is, but this one telling detail will give you an idea where it’s at. The “Velvet” studios were all designed in the same way: a roundish building with pie-shaped aerobics studios radiating from the main office at the central core, which of course doubles as spy headquarters. All the studios have mirrored walls facing the central office – which of course are one-way mirrors so the people in the central office can see what’s going on in the studios, while unseen by the students. And that’s the 80s-era GENIUS of the design: each and every dull headquarters briefing could and did have hotties in spandex doing suggestive exercises in the background while the exposition rolled. Eye candy in every episode. Brilliant.
I think “Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid” is brilliant, and considering that it is a parody of 40’s film noir (using actual clips from movies of that period) I don’t see how this movie has any relevance to the current thread other than it was made in the 80s. No leg warmers, no Brat Pack, no Flock of Seagulls haircuts, no MTV montage sequence… you get the idea.
It is not. Half od these movies are actually still pretty good - Weird Science, Red Dawn, Johnny Dangerously. They might seem outdated or played out since they are over 20 years old. But there are certainly worse movies, given the OPs criteria. I mean what is someone going to come along and say that The Breakfast Club, Young Guns sucked?
If we are to take the OP literally, let’s start with movies staring the Brat Pack:
Emilio Estevez
Anthony Michael Hall
Rob Lowe
Andrew McCarthy
Demi Moore
Judd Nelson
Molly Ringwald
Ally Sheedy
Add a few other 80s favorites:
Kevin Bacon
Robert Downy Jr
Michael J Fox
John Cusack
C. Thomas Howell
Patrick Swayze
Jami Gertz
Keifer Sutherland
Just picking out their worst most popped-collar preppy jock New Wave synth soundtrack oversexed coked up lameass movies:
About Last Night
Bright Lights, Big City
Class
Hot Pursuit
Johnny Be Good
Less Than Zero
Making the Grade
Manniquin
One Crazy Summer
Oxford Blues
Quicksilver
She’s having A Baby
Short Circuit
Soul Man
Stakeout
St. Elmo’s Fire
Tank
That Was Then… This Is Now
The Pick-up Artist
The Secret of My Succe$s
Uncommon Valor
Youngblood
Yeah, I linked to that in my post; I loves me some Agony Booth: “Pain don’t hurt.”
Just be prepared to spend a lot of time there wondering why at 2am you’re reading a 12 page recap of Eragon, a crap fantasy movie you have no intention of ever seeing. And then you think, “Because this is fucking hilarious”.
Actually being an Oingo Boingo fan I must state that they actually use real drums. Jonny Vatos being there drummer who has also worked with Tito and Trantula who did several songs for movies like Desperado and From Dusk to Dawn.
Liquid Sky: Now, I’m sure, considered unwatchable by all but cult-film enthusiasts (like me). No leg warmers or political themes, IIRC, but plenty big hair, rhythm-box “music” (like drum machine only more so!), early-'80s punkangst, 70’s-holdover drug themes (smack, not crack).
Dr. Caligari: Equally cultish, highly surreal, late-'80s ironic detachment, postmodernism, and recursive pop-cult referentiality. Have a sheep trotter?
I don’t remember leotards but this movie could only have been made during the coke haze of the early 80’s.
Another runner-up is Angel Heart which is notable as the first sign of decline in De Niro’s resume. Before that moment, seeing De Niro listed made the movie a must-see for me, even if I didn’t know anything about it. From that point on, up to Analyze This in '99, it seems every second movie was a stinker. After '00 the rolling ball of turds is gaining weight and momentum. That’s what you get for agreeing to play the devil under the clever moniker Louis Cyphre.
BTW, I see that De Niro’s gonna be 65 in August. Brando was 48 when he played Vito Corleone…
Electric Dreams
Typical 1980’s computer with AI forming from a early 1980’s desktop. This one composes music. The movie seems to have the sole purpose of showing people what a synthesizer could do. Look people we have electronic produced music. Be awed by the newest tech available today. Geeky guy gets virgin hot chick thanks to the computer.
Xanadu
Roller skating and crappy dancing in a musical. The only good part is hearing Olivia Newton John sing Xanadu, while not watching anybody in it during the song.
The Secret Of My Success. Michael J. Fox vehicle, starring Helen Slater as the sexy girl he can’t get b/c he works in the mailroom. But then for reasons I can’t recall, he fakes being an executive, and hilarity ensues while he moves between the boardroom and the mailroom, complete with Peter Brady-esque wardrobe changes.
Oh, and his potential relationship with Slater is tested when the bosses’ hot trophy wife tries to seduce him. How? By looking sexy with her shopping while Michael drives her in the boss’ Limo…
…while this song plays. Yes, I had forgotten about it too.
MAN. . .I really wanted to submit my vote for The Black Hole! I hated it and to this day feel I lost valuable time and money to see it! BUT, it came out in 1979. Rats!
