# Worst Possible First Contact Message From An Alien Race **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 20, 2016, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690 "2016-03-20T20:39:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2016, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/1 "2016-03-20T20:39:40Z")
“Greetings, Earthmen. We come in yo momma.” “We are occupants of interplanetary craft, returning your greeting.” “We are the Majority for Morality in Golden Plaques, and you are in violation!” “Greetings. We are the Great Filter.” ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2016, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/2 "2016-03-20T20:40:47Z")
We come to honor and serve your 700 Club. ---
**Author:** ![Tim\_R.Mortiss](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tim_r.mortiss/32/142_2.png) [@Tim\_R.Mortiss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tim_R.Mortiss)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2016, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/3 "2016-03-20T20:42:44Z")
We come “To Serve Man.” ---
**Author:** ![Jack\_Batty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jack_batty/32/3201_2.png) [@Jack\_Batty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Batty)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2016, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/4 "2016-03-20T20:44:39Z")
“Thanks for taking care of our Woolly Mammoths and Sabre Tooth Tigers. We’ll just take them back now … or do we have to get rough?” ---
**Author:** ![MindsEye\_Watering](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindseye_watering/32/3619_2.png) [@MindsEye\_Watering](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MindsEye_Watering)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2016, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/5 "2016-03-20T20:47:58Z")
Ack…ack…ack ack!! ---
**Author:** ![RivkahChaya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rivkahchaya/32/8919_2.png) [@RivkahChaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RivkahChaya)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2016, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/6 "2016-03-20T20:49:20Z")
> [@Jack\_Batty](#): > > “Thanks for taking care of our Woolly Mammoths and Sabre Tooth Tigers. We’ll just take them back now … or do we have to get rough?” And our Dodo birds. Even though we only need a few of them every three or four hundred years, they are absolutely vital to our economy. The only substitute for a Dodo would be 100 human babies. ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2016, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/7 "2016-03-20T20:50:15Z")
Whalesong that sounds suspiciously like George Burns saying “Say ‘goodnight’, Gracie.” Birdsong that couldn’t have been produced by anything smaller than a _T rex_, and the oceans are boiling… "We are detecting dangerous levels of oxygen in your atmosphere. To prevent catastrophe, decontamination will proceed in five… four… three… " ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2016, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/8 "2016-03-20T20:50:29Z")
Resistance is futile! ---
**Author:** ![Ravenman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ravenman/32/2929_2.png) [@Ravenman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ravenman)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2016, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/9 "2016-03-20T20:55:48Z")
“We come in peace to any society that is our moral equals. Planets that embrace progress and justice will benefit from our incredible technology. Worlds that embrace anger and oppression will be eliminated. Now take us to your leader, President Trump, and your fate will be decided.” ---
**Author:** ![MindsEye\_Watering](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindseye_watering/32/3619_2.png) [@MindsEye\_Watering](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MindsEye_Watering)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2016, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/10 "2016-03-20T21:02:34Z")
People of Earth your attention please. This is Prostectic Vogon Jeltz of the Galactic Hyperspace Planet Council. As you no doubt will be aware, the plans for the development of the outlying regions of the western spiral arm of the galaxy require the building of a hyperspace express route through your star system and, regrettably, your planet is one of those scheduled for demolition. The process will take slightly less than two of your Earth minutes. Thank you very much. ---
**Author:** ![The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a87d85/32.png) [@The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_King_of_Soup)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2016, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/11 "2016-03-20T21:08:03Z")
“We come with an exclusive, limited-term offer!” ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2016, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/12 "2016-03-20T21:12:42Z")
> [@MindsEye\_Watering](#): > > People of Earth your attention please. This is Prostectic Vogon Jeltz of the Galactic Hyperspace Planet Council. > As you no doubt will be aware, the plans for the development of the outlying regions of the western spiral arm of the galaxy require the building of a hyperspace express route through your star system and, regrettably, your planet is one of those scheduled for demolition. > The process will take slightly less than two of your Earth minutes. > Thank you very much. But first, some poetry. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2016, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/13 "2016-03-20T21:20:53Z")
Surrender Dorothy ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2016, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/14 "2016-03-20T21:21:26Z")
We are the Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is Futile. ---
**Author:** ![jasg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f0a364/32.png) [@jasg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jasg)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2016, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/15 "2016-03-20T21:24:58Z")
"Be quiet or they will hear you”. ---
**Author:** ![Lsura](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7993a0/32.png) [@Lsura](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lsura)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2016, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/16 "2016-03-20T21:48:42Z")
“Our healers say we’re no longer contagious and our traditional greeting of strangers involves the exchange of body fluids” ---
**Author:** ![Trinopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/2bfe46/32.png) [@Trinopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trinopus)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2016, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/17 "2016-03-20T21:49:59Z")
> [@Derleth](#): > > . . . “We are occupants of interplanetary craft, returning your greeting.” . . . I love that song… (And the story it’s based on…) “Gort: Barada. Nik Nikto. Barada!” ---
**Author:** ![Frodo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/frodo/32/302_2.png) [@Frodo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frodo)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2016, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/18 "2016-03-20T22:10:12Z")
Extremely large mass at relativistic speed collides with the western hemisphere, 12 hours later another collides with the eastern hemisphere. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2016, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/19 "2016-03-20T22:15:02Z")
‘What’s for dessert?’ ---
**Author:** ![Manduck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/manduck/32/256_2.png) [@Manduck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Manduck)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2016, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/20 "2016-03-20T22:16:21Z")
“Hey guys, just thought you should know, there’s an asteroid heading for you, so you might want to move your planet over a bit. You know how to do that, right?” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690.md?page=2)