# Worst Possible First Contact Message From An Alien Race **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 20, 2016, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690 "2016-03-20T20:39:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![campp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@campp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/campp)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2016, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/41 "2016-03-21T00:14:47Z")
Solve all your FTL problems with this one weird trick! ---
**Author:** ![OttoDaFe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ottodafe/32/356_2.png) [@OttoDaFe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OttoDaFe)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2016, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/42 "2016-03-21T00:24:48Z")
“We’d like to talk to you about Amway.” ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2016, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/43 "2016-03-21T00:28:15Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > “I am Lrrr of the planet Omicron-Perseii VIII.” Bravo. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2016, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/44 "2016-03-21T00:32:18Z")
[Welll…THIS couldn’t be good news.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORSvf8eVa0g) ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2016, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/45 "2016-03-21T00:46:06Z")
“We have been receiving your marvelous messages since 1965, encoded in Jerry Garcia’s guitar solos, and we can’t wait to meet him!” ---
**Author:** ![mbh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a6a055/32.png) [@mbh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mbh)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2016, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/46 "2016-03-21T01:11:51Z")
originally posted by Berke Breathed: “Are humans white meat or dark meat?” ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2016, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/47 "2016-03-21T02:38:19Z")
“Hi, um, Earthlings? We seem to have misplaced a few dozen Kaiju. If you’ve seen them, please let us know. If they come by here later, please send a message to [location] and we should be back this way in about 500 of your years.” ---
**Author:** ![blue\_infinity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blue_infinity/32/2817_2.png) [@blue\_infinity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blue_infinity)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2016, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/48 "2016-03-21T02:55:24Z")
Dear Occupant The Galactic Local Council 54789 has re-zoned this planetary body as a toxic industrial waste disposal area. Please vacate planet at your earliest convenience. Dumping will begin within 7 glargooks. ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2016, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/49 "2016-03-21T02:59:17Z")
We come to #MakeEarthGreatAgain. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2016, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/50 "2016-03-21T03:01:32Z")
And if you call within the next 15 minutes, you’ll get TWO… ---
**Author:** ![Dale\_Sams](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/779978/32.png) [@Dale\_Sams](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dale_Sams)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2016, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/51 "2016-03-21T03:02:46Z")
“Houston you have a problem.” ---
**Author:** ![Pantastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3bc359/32.png) [@Pantastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pantastic)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2016, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/52 "2016-03-21T03:49:32Z")
> [@Ravenman](#): > > “We come in peace to any society that is our moral equals. Planets that embrace progress and justice will benefit from our incredible technology. Worlds that embrace anger and oppression will be eliminated. Now take us to your leader, President Trump, and your fate will be decided.” “We come in peace to any society that is our moral equals. Worlds that embrace progress and justice will benefit from our incredible technology. Worlds that coddle the weak and sick will be eliminated. Now take us to your finest arena so we can see your gladiators in action, and show us how you use genetic engineering to create better fighters”. ---
**Author:** ![Try2B\_Comprehensive](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/try2b_comprehensive/32/65_2.png) [@Try2B\_Comprehensive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Try2B_Comprehensive)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2016, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/53 "2016-03-21T04:47:54Z")
Kneel before Zod. ---
**Author:** ![Senegoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/senegoid/32/6606_2.png) [@Senegoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Senegoid)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2016, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/54 "2016-03-21T05:00:32Z")
Message from Tralfamadore to whoever might find it: > [@](#): > > • [indent]— Kurt Vonnegut, _Sirens of Titan_[/indent] ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2016, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/55 "2016-03-21T05:03:19Z")
Earthlings: Does your meat go with fava beans and a nice chianti? ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2016, 5:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/56 "2016-03-21T05:12:15Z")
Greetings, from the good ship \*Borgy McBorgface. \* ---
**Author:** ![bibliophage](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bibliophage/32/7615_2.png) [@bibliophage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bibliophage)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2016, 5:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/57 "2016-03-21T05:26:17Z")
> [@MindsEye\_Watering](#): > > People of Earth your attention please. This is Prostectic Vogon Jeltz of the Galactic Hyperspace Planet Council. > As you no doubt will be aware, the plans for the development of the outlying regions of the western spiral arm of the galaxy require the building of a hyperspace express route through your star system and, regrettably, your planet is one of those scheduled for demolition. > The process will take slightly less than two of your Earth minutes. > Thank you very much. There’s no point in acting all surprised about it. All the planning charts and demolition orders have been on display in your local planning department in Alpha Centuri for fifty of your Earth years, so you’ve had plenty of time to lodge any formal complaint and it’s far too late to start making a fuss about it now. ---
**Author:** ![watchwolf49](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e9c0ed/32.png) [@watchwolf49](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/watchwolf49)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2016, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/58 "2016-03-21T16:11:46Z")
“Which way do your proteins twist?” ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2016, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/59 "2016-03-21T16:28:09Z")
Heck, with that we’ve at least got a 50/50 shot at being spared. Which is much better than most folks’ suggestions. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2016, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/60 "2016-03-21T16:30:50Z")
How about: “A GRB went off about 12 light years away from here about 10 years ago. We’re warping the heck outta here but decided to stop by for a minute to warn you just in case you hadn’t detected the subspace quatloo emanations. Bye! Gotta go! No time to waste!!” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690.md?page=4)