# Worst Possible First Contact Message From An Alien Race **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 20, 2016, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690 "2016-03-20T20:39:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Tibby](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tibby/32/17030_2.png) [@Tibby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tibby)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2016, 10:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/81 "2016-03-22T10:44:52Z")
We love your Adam Sandler movies. We’re here to coerce Earthlings to make many more of those. We want more Paulie Shore movies, too. ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2016, 11:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/82 "2016-03-22T11:14:19Z")
> [@Tibby or Not Tibby](#): > > We love your Adam Sandler movies. We’re here to coerce Earthlings to make many more of those. . As long as they don’t couch their request in the form of a 1980’s video game. Aliens might want more Jerry Lewis movies, too. And Billy Jack. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2016, 11:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/83 "2016-03-22T11:19:38Z")
Nanu, Nanu! Shazbot! ---
**Author:** ![DrFidelius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drfidelius/32/3447_2.png) [@DrFidelius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrFidelius)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2016, 11:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/84 "2016-03-22T11:34:24Z")
No message, they just begin fumigating. or… “We apologize but we don’t have the time or capacity to save your pets or domestic animals, or any of the other non-silicon-based life forms on your planet.” ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2016, 11:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/85 "2016-03-22T11:49:42Z")
“This is a Test. It is Only a Test of the Galactic Warning System. If this had been an actual emergency, you would have been directed to contact your Galactic Overlords.” “The following systems are closed today due to ion storms.” “Don’t worry. The fire’s out!” ---
**Author:** ![Smapti](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smapti/32/17938_2.png) [@Smapti](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smapti)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2016, 12:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/86 "2016-03-22T12:33:08Z")
“You’re gonna love this invasion. I’ve always had a great relationship with the humans.” ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2016, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/87 "2016-03-22T12:52:46Z")
“I am Dyslexia of Borg. Your ass will be laminated.” ---
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2016, 12:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/88 "2016-03-22T12:53:37Z")
> [@CalMeacham](#): > > Aliens might want more Jerry Lewis movies, too. > And Billy Jack. Yahoo Serious. ---
**Author:** ![G0sp3l](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c68b51/32.png) [@G0sp3l](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/G0sp3l)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2016, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/89 "2016-03-22T14:52:00Z")
Galactus hungers! ---
**Author:** ![dba\_Fred](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c37758/32.png) [@dba\_Fred](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dba_Fred)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2016, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/90 "2016-03-22T15:53:49Z")
People of Earth, answer these questions: Which one of you said “Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape!" to my Mama??? Who is this **Willis** and _what’s he talkin’ bout_? By the way, which one’s Pink? You all look alike to us. Paging Mr Green, Mr Soylent Green. We wish to study your reproduction methods. Prepare to transport to us this **Hal Briston** and his sheep - _oh ewe, we kid_ 😃 In a voice eerily similar to _The Big Bang Theory’s_ Penny, the audio message is “We have been monitoring your **Cecil Adams** from the 23rd Century, and we have determined that he is now ready to join us. His unique genius is our best hope for bringing peace to a vast and troubled galaxy. Plus we need somebody to write our _The Universal Straight Dope_ column.” First Contact will take the form of an indecipherable post in **MPSIMS** from ZRPAMT23, a newly-joined member. Thinking it’s one of those bizarre relationship initial posts, the usual subjects savage ZRPAMT23. Just as the Mods are ready to drop the ban hammer for trolling and lock the thread, a message appears: This is my final communication. Don’t make ZRPAMT23 angry … you wouldn’t like ZRPAMT23 when I’m angry. If you’d been nice, ZRPAMT23 was going to fix that 120 second delay between searches **AND** tell you what _14 k of g in a f p d_ really means. Instead, ZRPAMT23 is going to put all your planes on treadmills, declaw your cats and circumcise or uncircumcise you, depending. And 42 is **NOT** the answer to life, the universe and everything. ---
**Author:** ![JustinC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justinc/32/8083_2.png) [@JustinC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JustinC)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2016, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/91 "2016-03-22T17:38:10Z")
“Greetings, Earth dwellers. We’ve noticed your planet will be dead in 1,500 days and so have made preparations for your eternity. On close and thorough inspection we’ve seen you worship your chosen God every year and, so, have plans for you to spend eternity in shopping malls, listening to Christmas Carols. Congratulations!” ---
**Author:** ![stillownedbysetters](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/41988e/32.png) [@stillownedbysetters](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stillownedbysetters)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2016, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/92 "2016-03-22T17:49:58Z")
“We are your feline overloads… Take us to their palace where your fate will be decided depending upon how our Earth cousins have thrived.” ---
**Author:** ![MacTech](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MacTech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacTech)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2016, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/93 "2016-03-22T21:15:45Z")
"Greetings Earth Creatures, you are about to enjoy that which is known as “The Invasion of Earth!”, Kraang has need of this planet for Kraang to live on. All inferior Earth life forms will be mutated into superior Kraang life forms by Kraang! ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2016, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/94 "2016-03-22T21:40:01Z")
“We’ve figured out a solution to your longevity problem; the treatment has been dispersed into your atmosphere and should enable you to complete your lives in a quarter of the customary time.” ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2016, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/95 "2016-03-22T21:51:27Z")
“Where da white women at??” apologies to Mel Brooks… ---
**Author:** ![Finnie\_the\_Pooh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/aca169/32.png) [@Finnie\_the\_Pooh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Finnie_the_Pooh)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2016, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/96 "2016-03-23T00:02:55Z")
“Just turn your head to the left and cough…” ---
**Author:** ![adaher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dec6dc/32.png) [@adaher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/adaher)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2016, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/97 "2016-03-23T00:32:46Z")
Most of those are frightening, but I suspect that there is one reply, that if it was all there was, that scientists would probably start jumping out of buildings due to the crushing disappointment: “We received your golden record. LOL.” ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2016, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/98 "2016-03-23T01:45:17Z")
“Pawn to second queen’s third rook two.” ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2016, 11:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/99 "2016-03-24T11:21:22Z")
It’s true, we are aliens! But what are you going to do about it? It’s a two-party system. You have to vote for one of us! ---
**Author:** ![MikeF](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@MikeF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MikeF)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2016, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690/100 "2016-03-24T16:13:15Z")
Well, THAT was the last straw! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-possible-first-contact-message-from-an-alien-race/749690.md?page=6)