# Worst successful writers and authors

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-successful-writers-and-authors/717077>\
**Category:** Cafe Society\
**Created:** [April 7, 2015, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-successful-writers-and-authors/717077 "2015-04-07T22:13:08Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 20\
**Page:** 5

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**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\
**Post date:** [April 9, 2015, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-successful-writers-and-authors/717077/81 "2015-04-09T00:00:19Z")

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> [@BrainGlutton](#):
>
> 😕 What is QX? Something from “Doc” Smith? I’ve only read a couple of his books.

If you didn’t get it, you have little place to stand on his works.

Smith gets a pass from me because I actually _like_ the style. I remember what era he wrote them in, and revel in the sheer creativeness of his universe.

If you disagree, may Worsel shit in your cornflakes!

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**Author:** ![erysichthon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d07c76/32.png) [@erysichthon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/erysichthon)\
**Post date:** [April 9, 2015, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-successful-writers-and-authors/717077/82 "2015-04-09T00:16:19Z")

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> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#):
>
> Also, y’all are setting the bar really low for WORST successful authors. I mean, forget the Shakespeare name-drop, which is beyond ridiculous.

To be fair, **racepug** _did_ provide a cite: his 10th-grade English teacher. 😃

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**Author:** ![Battle\_Pope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4bbf92/32.png) [@Battle\_Pope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Battle_Pope)\
**Post date:** [April 9, 2015, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-successful-writers-and-authors/717077/83 "2015-04-09T00:24:48Z")

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> [@silenus](#):
>
> If you disagree, may Worsel shit in your cornflakes!

The very quintessece of excretion!

I do love Smith, his purple prose is part of what makes reading his stuff fun - that and the fact he apparently never heard of the term ‘overkill’.

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**Author:** ![Knorf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/58956e/32.png) [@Knorf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knorf)\
**Post date:** [April 9, 2015, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-successful-writers-and-authors/717077/84 "2015-04-09T01:01:29Z")

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> [@racepug](#):
>
> Okay - it’s not like I’ve read (or seen acted out) EVERY single Shakespearian play, but even my 10th grade English teacher (whom I didn’t really like) conceded that there “are many people who feel that Shakespeare didn’t do endings very well.” Ernest Hemingway? I dunno - I was never a big fan. The fact that he eventually committed suicide doesn’t help ameliorate the way I feel about him.

Ridiculous, especially citing your 10th grade English teacher as an authority.

Utterly absurd suggestions for this thread, regardless.

> [@bup](#):
>
> Stephen King? One of the worst?

His work has been defended a number of times in this thread.

I note that no one is stepping up to defend E. L. James…

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**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\
**Post date:** [April 9, 2015, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-successful-writers-and-authors/717077/85 "2015-04-09T01:02:51Z")

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As promised/threatened, I present more Fanthorpe.

To prevent your being blinded by his awesome awfulness, I have spoilerboxed these entries. Don’t look at them, all at once, or it may burn out your retinas.

1.) From _Orbit One_, published as by John R. Muller

When he awoke it was pitch dark, dark as the pit, dark as the tomb, dark as the grave. A thick, black velvet darkness that seemed almost tangible in its intensity. The kind of darkness that got into the pores of your nose…

2.) In a similar vein, from _The Room with the Broken Floor_, written by “Pel Torro”

The grey voice of the grey Seaforth glided greyly on to their ears, like a tide of putrescent grey molasses.

3.) Again, something similar, from _A 1,000 Years On_ (sic) by “John E. Muller”

Everywhere was dark, dark darkness. Blackness. Black. Black blackness.

4.) Now for a change of pace, from _Orbit One_ again, by “John E. Muller”

After all the natural perils that he had already overcome, the mountains circumnavigated, here was something new. Here was Terror with a capital “T”; Fear with a capital “F”; Horror with a capital “H”.

5.) From _Space Fury_, published (for once) under his own name:

Somebody has to land on Vorgal. Somebody…Somebody…SOMEBODY! It looked like being somebody called Brian Blake.

This is followed sometime later by

Somebody has got to land on Vorgal, somebody has got to find out what the Vorgalians were like. Somebody…Somebody…SOMEBODY. And now it wasn’t one “somebody”, and there were Brian Blake and Murphy O’Brand.

6.) From _The Day the World Ended_, by “John E. Muller” again

The train rattled on and his mind threw up Captain Ogorski’s harsh, strident voice, “we will make you valuable … valuable… valuable.” On and on and on, it went.  
,  
…  
The train rattled on, and over the noise of the wheels he heard Captain Ogorski saying “valuable … valuable… valuable… valuable… valuable… valuable… valuable… valuable…VALUABLE… VALUABLE… VALUABLE…

7.) And from his _Magnum Opus_, _Galaxy 666_ by Pel Torro, comes this:

“I get the feeling,” said Bronet, “that there are nooks and crannies, holes, niches, corners, secret passages and underground rooms here that house things I would rather not see.”  
“There is also the feeling,” said Oski, “that there are things in concealment here. It’s like walking on the edge of an ambush all the time. It’s as though the whole place were strangely camouflaged, as though it were a mask, a visor, or a veil drawn down over a face that it was better one did not see. Somewhere, something is hiding, lurking, skulking. This planet is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Under the wool, or behind the masquerade, there is an imposter. Who or what it is I do not know. It’s an obfuscating planet; it’s a disguised planet. This whole galaxy is a strange mystery, a mystery to which we seem to be no nearer a solution than when we were back in the happier parts of the empire. It’s a furtive planet, it’s reticent. I get the feeling that it’s screening, that it’s hiding something.”  
“It’s a very taciturn place,” said Korzaak. “There are things ensconced here that are best left concealed. It’s a planet lying in wait, a whole galaxy lying in wait.”  
“My main thought is one of discord,” said Bronet, “as I was saying a little earlier.”

Amazingly, the next line is:

“Tell us more exactly what you mean,” said Ischklah.

And then, dammit, it continues:

“I mean something like this. This is only an embryo thought at the back of my mind; it’s – it hasn’t had time to formulate.” He bit his lip, at a loss for words.

Obviously a lie.

“This planet seems to me a part of a galaxy of conflict. This is the sort of place where everything is discord and dissonance. It’s a planet of disharmony in a galaxy of disharmony. It’s a disagreeable sort of world. There’s something harsh about it. It’s a cacophony; it’s a world of Babel; it has confused sounds, but they are more than sounds. There is pandemonium, tumult, or racket here, but it’s not just in your ears; it’s everywhere. The whole place is somehow out of tune. It jangles. It’s discordant.”  
“I think I’m beginning to see how you feel,” said Oski. “It jars and jangles on me.”  
“You’re right,” said Bronet. “It scrapes and it rasps on the nerves, on the ears, on the mind…”  
“It’s a harsh, raucous world,” said Ischklah. “There is something inharmonious and unharmonius about it. The very air, although it is sweet and clean, carries with it something unmelodius and unmusical. There is something untunable and untuneful here.”

…and there’s _PLENTY_ more where that came from.

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**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\
**Post date:** [April 9, 2015, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-successful-writers-and-authors/717077/86 "2015-04-09T01:12:09Z")

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> [@bup](#):
>
> Stephen King? One of the worst?

Among popular authors, Stephen King is one of the BEST. He is a legitimately great author. Not all his books are his best, but his best are amazing.

EL James wins this in a walk, really. Nobody else named so far is even close. Her success is one of the biggest literary flukes of all time, and she’s admitted as such.

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**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\
**Post date:** [April 9, 2015, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-successful-writers-and-authors/717077/87 "2015-04-09T02:14:18Z")

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Paul Doherty. He’s a guy who writes historical mysteries under several pseudonyms. I keep getting suckered in, not knowing it’s him again, and keep ending up not finishing the books. Often, a little voice starts piping up in the back of my head that says “He’s BAACK.”

According to Goodreads: “He has been published under several pseudonyms: P.C. Doherty, C.L. Grace, Paul Harding, Ann Dukthas, Vanessa Alexander, Michael Clynes and Anna Apostolou but now writes only under his own name.”

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**Author:** ![Becky2844](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Becky2844](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Becky2844)\
**Post date:** [April 9, 2015, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-successful-writers-and-authors/717077/88 "2015-04-09T02:41:40Z")

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> [@nearwildheaven](#):
>
> I’ve read that Michael Crichton’s medical school classmates were relieved when he left medicine to pursue fiction writing, because even though he was smart enough to get into Harvard Medical School, he was on a trajectory towards not being a very good doctor. His books always had plot holes you could drive a truck through.
> 
> Haven’t gotten to the second page yet, but has anyone heard of Zane? This is a pseudonym for a middle-aged black woman who writes erotic fiction aimed at black women. It’s quite awful too.
> 
> ETA: Haven’t seen Danielle Steel or Jacqueline Susann on here either.

Post #26.

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**Author:** ![TonySinclair](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/49beb7/32.png) [@TonySinclair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TonySinclair)\
**Post date:** [April 9, 2015, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-successful-writers-and-authors/717077/89 "2015-04-09T04:47:21Z")

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> [@BrainGlutton](#):
>
> 😕 What is QX? Something from “Doc” Smith? I’ve only read a couple of his books.

From _Second Stage Lensman_:

[QUOTE=Doc Smith]  
“Oh, Kim! They can’t do that to us…”  
“I’ll say they can’t!” Kinnison flared. “By Klono’s tungsten teeth, I won’t do it! We have a right to happiness, you and I, and we’ll…”  
“We’ll what?” she asked, quietly. She knew what they had to face; and, strong-souled woman that she was, she was quicker to face it squarely than was he. “You were just blasting off, Kim, and so was I.”  
“I suppose so,” glumly. “Why in all the nine hells of Valeria did I have to be a Lensman? Why couldn’t I have stayed a…?”  
“Because you are you,” the girl interrupted, gently. “Kimball Kinnison, the man I love. You couldn’t do anything else.” Chin up, she was fighting gamely. “And if I rate Lensman’s Mate I can’t be a sissy, either. It won’t last forever, Kim. Just a little longer to wait, that’s all.”  
Eyes, steel-gray now, stared down into eyes of tawny, gold-flecked bronze. “QX, Cris? _Really_ QX?” What a world of meaning there was in that cryptic question!  
“Really, Kim.” She met his stare unfalteringly. If not entirely unafraid, at least with whole-hearted determination. “On the beam and on the green, Gray Lensman, all the way. Every long, last millimeter. There, wherever it is—to the very end of whatever road it has to be—and back again. Until it’s over. I’ll be here. Or somewhere, Kim. Waiting.”  
[/QUOTE]

ETA: Absolutely no truth to the rumor that she did her waiting in the Lakers’ locker room.

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**Author:** ![DWMarch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dwmarch/32/1010_2.png) [@DWMarch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DWMarch)\
**Post date:** [April 9, 2015, 8:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-successful-writers-and-authors/717077/90 "2015-04-09T08:21:15Z")

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Tom Clancy’s books have improved greatly since he died. He had long since become a brand name and he had co-authors for all the “new” Jack Ryan books. The co-authors are now “Tom Clancy” and they’re doing a much better job.

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**Author:** ![Busy\_Scissors](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/d78d45/32.png) [@Busy\_Scissors](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Busy_Scissors)\
**Post date:** [April 9, 2015, 9:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-successful-writers-and-authors/717077/91 "2015-04-09T09:00:19Z")

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Let me say I really enjoyed Stephen Donaldson’s \*Thomas Covenant \*books (I was 14/15), but Stephen Donaldson’s _Thomas Covenant_ books.

Phenomenally successful unit-shifters in the late 70s / early 80s, egregiously bad prose (with hindsight, didn’t notice it so much at the time. Just a vague awareness that this wasn’t how other people wrote). Not sure how they became so successful given the premise of a rapey leper - his publisher worked some magic there.

He for sure isn’t in the same league as some of the names mentioned so far - there’s some impressive imagination at work in these books. I also recall him writing at a very heightened emotional pitch - risible melodrama perhaps, but they weren’t boring.

Not read too much of his later stuff, but I hear the writing is far better. So maybe another writer who’s learnt his craft on the job.

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**Author:** ![Catamount](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/catamount/32/2840_2.png) [@Catamount](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catamount)\
**Post date:** [April 9, 2015, 10:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-successful-writers-and-authors/717077/92 "2015-04-09T10:20:31Z")

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> [@CalMeacham](#):
>
> As promised/threatened, I present more Fanthorpe.

I needed a good laugh this morning. Thank you.

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**Author:** ![Enright3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/enright3/32/2897_2.png) [@Enright3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enright3)\
**Post date:** [April 9, 2015, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-successful-writers-and-authors/717077/93 "2015-04-09T16:02:34Z")

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> [@nearwildheaven](#):
>
> 11 posts and nobody’s mentioned Dan Brown or those people who wrote the “Left Behind” series?

LOL that’s what i came in here to say too. How is Dan Brown not first on this list?!

However, after seeing some of the other examples, especially CalMeacham’s examples from Fanthorpe. Wow, that was really bad.

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**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\
**Post date:** [April 9, 2015, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-successful-writers-and-authors/717077/94 "2015-04-09T16:28:12Z")

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> [@BrainGlutton](#):
>
> 😕 What is QX? Something from “Doc” Smith? I’ve only read a couple of his books.

QX=OK. Dunno why.

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**Author:** ![funky\_little\_lee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e95f7d/32.png) [@funky\_little\_lee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/funky_little_lee)\
**Post date:** [April 9, 2015, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-successful-writers-and-authors/717077/95 "2015-04-09T17:42:50Z")

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William P. Young. He wrote _The Shack_ – the worst-written, most hackneyed, most pathetic bunch of drivel I’ve ever read. (Well, part of it: I had to stop before I became comatose.)

While he may not be “famous,” he does qualify as successful, because millions of people have bought and apparently love the book.

I am not religious, but I pray that no one on this board ever has to read it.

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**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\
**Post date:** [April 9, 2015, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-successful-writers-and-authors/717077/96 "2015-04-09T18:09:24Z")

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In that vein, I’ve never read any of the _Executioner_ books by Don Pendleton, but I have read some of his science fiction. It’s bad. It’s almost Fanthorpe bad. I’ll give you some samples tonight.

I don’t know how bad his Executioner books were, but they sold extremely well, so he qualifies for this thread.

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**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\
**Post date:** [April 9, 2015, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-successful-writers-and-authors/717077/97 "2015-04-09T18:16:33Z")

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> [@CalMeacham](#):
>
> In that vein, I’ve never read any of the _Executioner_ books by Don Pendleton, but I have read some of his science fiction. It’s bad. It’s almost Fanthorpe bad. I’ll give you some samples tonight.
> 
> I don’t know how bad his Executioner books were, but they sold extremely well, so he qualifies for this thread.

Yes, I read bunches of them as a kid. But if the books are meant for a bloodthirsty 12 year olds, should they be considered against these others.

Oh never mond, it’s arguable that Tom Clancy was writing for bloodthirsty 12 year olds.

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**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\
**Post date:** [April 9, 2015, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-successful-writers-and-authors/717077/98 "2015-04-09T18:44:32Z")

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> [@DWMarch](#):
>
> Tom Clancy’s books have improved greatly since he died.

😃 Lol! 😃

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**Author:** ![typoink](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecb155/32.png) [@typoink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/typoink)\
**Post date:** [April 9, 2015, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-successful-writers-and-authors/717077/99 "2015-04-09T19:46:19Z")

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I’m surprised at all the mentions of Dan Brown; it’s been a while since I schlepped through The Da Vinci Code but my recollection is that it’s a dumb story decently well-told. It’s dumbed-down and simple, but it struck me as fitting for the type of yarn he was trying to spin. He lost me instead with the eye-rolling plot and the absolute bullshit he tried to pass of as true backstory. I knew I disliked the book ten pages in, but was never tempted to not finish it. I think that counts for something.

Stephen King is sometimes a terrible writer, but he definitely also shows brilliance in his writing sometimes. I’d say he’s simply inconsistent.

Having not actually fully read her books, my vote is Stephanie Meyer. The snatches I’ve seen are just awful prose. The turgid plots and questionable morals definitely don’t help.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\
**Post date:** [April 9, 2015, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worst-successful-writers-and-authors/717077/100 "2015-04-09T19:58:57Z")

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> [@CalMeacham](#):
>
> In that vein, I’ve never read any of the _Executioner_ books by Don Pendleton, but I have read some of his science fiction. It’s bad. It’s almost Fanthorpe bad. I’ll give you some samples tonight.
> 
> I don’t know how bad his Executioner books were, but they sold extremely well, so he qualifies for this thread.

For pulp stories they weren’t that bad, Neither were the _Destroyer_ books that were written by Richard Sapir and Warren Murphy. After they stopped the quality went down considerably.

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