# Worthless Super Powers
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010
**Category:** Cafe Society
**Created:** [August 24, 2006, 7:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010 "2006-08-24T07:52:36Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)
#### Post date: [August 24, 2006, 7:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/1 "2006-08-24T07:52:36Z")
[ul]
[li] **Captain of the Moon** : He can live on that God-forsaken rock for eternity, but he cannot leave.[/li][li] **Spoiler** : He knows how every movie, TV show, and other work of fiction will end.[/li][li] **The Human Loogie** : I just threw up a little in my mouth.[/li][li] **Achromatic Lantern** : He can do anything whatever with his magic ring, but nothing he does can impact anything that has any color whatsoever. Not even clear things.[/li][li] **Super Confident Guy** : His inflated sense of self-worth can be punctured by nothing, not even his overwhelming mediocrity in all measurable skills.[/li][/ul]
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### Author:  [@MEBuckner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MEBuckner)
#### Post date: [August 24, 2006, 8:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/2 "2006-08-24T08:19:41Z")
**Leap Man!:** Every February 29th, he can leap over tall buildings in a single bound.
**The Phantom Eye:** Has Neutrino Vision–Can see through a cube of lead a light-year thick!
(Cannot actually see human beings, walls, trees, Doomsday Devices, or the planet Earth, as they are all completely transparent to Neutrino Vision.)
**WildCat:** Was bitten by a radioactive cat; can now jump from a third-story building and land on her feet. Also now sleeps for 20 hours a day; has an intense interest in chasing mice, bugs, those little rings from plastic milk containers, and other small moving objects or objects that can be made to move; and coughs up hairballs on a regular basis. _Secret weakness: Catnip addiction._
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### Author:  [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)
#### Post date: [August 24, 2006, 8:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/3 "2006-08-24T08:52:28Z")
Clumsy Boy : Has the power to inflict extreme clumsyness upon himself at will.
Nam Drawkcab : Has the ability to speak backwards at will.
Shadowshot : Can phase projectiles out of normal reality, so that they can “ghost” through any form of armor or force field. Unfortunately, they **also** “ghost” right through the target.
Mythbane : Has the power to destroy any creature, as long as it doesn’t actually exist.
Yucky Lass : Can inflict the worst known taste and smell on any substance, merely by eating it.
The Eye Inside : Can instantly grow any number of eyes inside his own body.
Backlash Man : Has the mutant power to make his opponents more powerful and better looking.
The Immolator : Can exude burning napalm from his pores at will. Note : He is NOT fireproof.
Frustrated Man : Produces a psychic field that makes people sexually attracted to him in inverse proportion to how attractive he finds them. As a straight man, he is followed with puppylike devotion by a horde of ugly men, while beautiful women projectile vomit upon seeing him. He can’t even get the men to do anything for him; they’re too busy gazing longingly into his eyes to listen to him.
Balloonhead : By holding his breath, he can make his head expand to twice it’s size.
Mousemouth : Can spit mice at will.
Pauperman : Has the mystic ability to disintegrate his own money.
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### Author:  [@Lord\_Il\_Palazzo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Il_Palazzo)
#### Post date: [August 24, 2006, 1:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/4 "2006-08-24T13:06:33Z")
Captain Cornflake - Can keep cereal crispy in milk with the power of his mind.
Jingler - A complete and infallible knowledge of all advertising jingles in the known universe.
Sodamonger - Can transmute Coca-Cola into Pepsi and visa versa.
Toxifier - Can convert any material in his mouth into deadly poison by simply swallowing it.
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### Author:  [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)
#### Post date: [August 24, 2006, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/5 "2006-08-24T13:36:55Z")
Turkey Volume Guessing Man can guess the number of turkeys it would take to fill any given space. [Satellite News -- Ward E -- Bit814](http://www.mst3kinfo.com/ward_e/Bit814a.html)
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### Author:  [@Menocchio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Menocchio)
#### Post date: [August 24, 2006, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/6 "2006-08-24T13:52:43Z")
Man-Man: Bitten by a radioactive man, Man-Man gained the proportional strength, agility, and stamina of a human being!
Woman-Man: “Criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot. But what is it that men fear? Yes father, I shall become a woman.” Joined by his sidekick, Girl, the Boy Wonder.
Likeable Guy: Is kind of charming. I mean, not that he could talk you into doing anything something you didn’t want to do anyway, but most people agree that he’s okay, I guess.
Night Terror: Has the power to cause physically enter nightmares. Only his own, but still, that’s kind of cool.
Tinnitus: Can cause ringing in his ears at will.
The Hypochondriac: Can give himself any disease or medical disorder.
The Carny: Can guess your age or weight with a startling degree of accuracy.
Hans, the Vampire Slayer: Hans is the fabled slayer that is immune to the powers of the undead and has a sixth sense that can determine vampires from ordinary humans. Unfortunately, vampires don’t actually exist.
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### Author:  [@ArrMatey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArrMatey)
#### Post date: [August 24, 2006, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/7 "2006-08-24T14:12:34Z")
I just came in to mention my all-time favorite useless super-power.
Magnetic colon.
It’s worse when you realize it’s not one you can turn on and off at will.
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### Author:  [@Cluricaun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cluricaun)
#### Post date: [August 24, 2006, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/8 "2006-08-24T14:57:48Z")
Runs Screaming in Horror Man: Looks good in his hero outfit, but runs away like a little girl at the first sign of trouble.
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### Author:  [@SuaSponte](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuaSponte)
#### Post date: [August 24, 2006, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/9 "2006-08-24T15:51:03Z")
Aqua Sinus Man - has the ability to telepathically communicate with lanternfish, tube worms, and other creatures of the deepest oceans. Also can breathe underwater. However, due to a congenital sinus defect, he cannot handle water pressure and is unable to reach even the bottom of a pool.
Sua
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### Author:  [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)
#### Post date: [August 24, 2006, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/10 "2006-08-24T16:34:09Z")
**Breathe like a fish** : Doesn’t work underwater.
**Speak with Protozoa** : Useful, except that Protozoa have no brain, so are very boring conversationalists.
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### Author:  [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)
#### Post date: [August 24, 2006, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/11 "2006-08-24T16:41:33Z")
Baked Boy: Has the power to stretch time. However it only applies to himself and all he does when he stretches time is eats potato chips.
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### Author:  [@Alistair\_McCello](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alistair_McCello)
#### Post date: [August 24, 2006, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/12 "2006-08-24T17:06:45Z")
**Token Man** : Has the amazing ability to become the lone minority in any group he joins.
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### Author:  [@JustAnotherGeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JustAnotherGeek)
#### Post date: [August 24, 2006, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/13 "2006-08-24T17:19:09Z")
**Radio-Active Man!** - Has the amazing ability to turn on even unpowered radios as he passes. Unforetunately, they all quietly play muzak from an unknown sorce.
**Marsupial Woman!** - Just don’t ask where her side-kick **Roo-Boy** hides.
**Killer-Watt?** - Causes otherwise unexplaned fluctuations of power in and disintegration of small scale aurally-emplaced electronic devices.
**Smilie-Boy** - Can actually speak in Smilies!
–and–
**Thread-Killer-Man** - Has the uncanny ability to always make the last post to threads. not my alter-ego, I swear!
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### Author:  [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)
#### Post date: [August 24, 2006, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/14 "2006-08-24T17:48:57Z")
[Cinnabon Gut](http://www.partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1128)!
Daniel
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### Author:  [@GargoyleWB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GargoyleWB)
#### Post date: [August 24, 2006, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/15 "2006-08-24T18:23:51Z")
**Doctor Slushee** , diabolical supervillain feared because of his immunity to the “brain freeze”.
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### Author:  [@shamrock227](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shamrock227)
#### Post date: [August 24, 2006, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/16 "2006-08-24T18:41:49Z")
Broken Record Girl - has the ability to get \*Horse with no Name \* stuck playing in your head for days at a time.
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### Author:  [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)
#### Post date: [August 24, 2006, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/17 "2006-08-24T19:38:23Z")
Math Man-- able to add and/or subtract up to 2 double digit numbers without the aid of a calculator.
VendorWoman-- able to get any dollar into a vending machine no matter how tatty it is.
Also my favorite “real” useless superpower from Mystery Men. Invisible Boy-- able to turn invisible but only if no one is looking at him.
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### Author:  [@Alistair\_McCello](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alistair_McCello)
#### Post date: [August 24, 2006, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/18 "2006-08-24T19:59:17Z")
> [@Menocchio](#):
>
> Joined by his sidekick, Girl, the Boy Wonder.
On a side note I think that this is officially the best thing I have read today.
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### Author:  [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)
#### Post date: [August 24, 2006, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/19 "2006-08-24T20:43:55Z")
**The Velocitator** - Has the power to drive at _exactly the speed limit_ at all times.
**Ovulatrix** - Can ovulate at will.
**Flatwerewolf** - Can change any item of flatware into a spoon during the full moon. Not actually a wolf, but very helpful at some parties.
**The Human Answering Machine** - Can tell you who called while you were out, as long as he was there to pick up the phone. Remembers up to 99 calls.
And a bonus that was my favorite post from the last time we did this (not mine, but I’m too lazy to search. Whoever’s it was will hopefully be flattered.):
**Doctor Dosage** - Has the power to shake exactly two pills out of any bottle containing two or more pills.
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### Author:  [@Zakalwe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zakalwe)
#### Post date: [August 24, 2006, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/20 "2006-08-24T20:50:12Z")
> [@Biggirl](#):
>
> VendorWoman-- able to get any dollar into a vending machine no matter how tatty it is.
This is not even remotely a worthless super power. Have you ever dealt with those damn things?
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