# Worthless Super Powers **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [August 24, 2006, 7:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010 "2006-08-24T07:52:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2006, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/41 "2006-08-25T21:37:47Z")
**Sergeant Rock:** The two-fisted veteran NCO who can turn himself into a rock! For up to 24 hours! During that time he is mindless, helpless, and defenseless against any superbaddie with a cold chisel. Still has the scars on his back from the time the Joker sold him to a tombstone carver. **Doctor Mayjaluk:** Has the power, by staring intently at the back of a person’s neck, to cause the victim to look around briefly! Power works at cocktail parties, on subways, and most especially when he’s trying **not** to be notices by the goon-guards patrolling the grounds of the Fortress of Evil. **Antibiotiko:** Has the power to kill microorganisms! Any supervillain he zaps is utterly **doomed** to suffer a mild, temporary vitamin deficiency for lack of symbiotic intestinal flora! He should’ve listened to his mother and become a doctor . . . **The Scream:** Can endure near-limitless amounts of pain without passing out or dying of shock! The worse it gets, the more fiercely he writhes on the ground and whimpers for mercy! The mightiest anesthetics are powerless against his agony! **D’Oh! Boy:** Homer Simpson’s crimefighting alter ego! Powers include stupidity, sloth, gluttony, and a kind of dumb luck that somehow gets him through every episode without getting killed. ---
**Author:** ![Bobotheoptimist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/919ad9/32.png) [@Bobotheoptimist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bobotheoptimist)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2006, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/42 "2006-08-25T22:15:40Z")
[QUOTE=Menocchio] Hans, the Vampire Slayer: Hans is the fabled slayer that is immune to the powers of the undead and has a sixth sense that can determine vampires from ordinary humans. Unfortunately, vampires don’t actually exist. [/QUOTE] So, of all the semi-hero names in this thread, the only one chosen that’s real happens to be one of my IRL names. Oddly coincidental name boy - causes people to use his name when they’re telling a story but trying not to offend anyone. First name, of course, is “Bob”. Freakin’ Enzyte commercials. ---
**Author:** ![Arien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Arien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arien)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2006, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/43 "2006-08-25T22:18:19Z")
[QUOTE=kunilou] **Deja Vu** Gifted with “second sight” she has the uncanny knowledge to think she’s “seen something like this, somewhere, sometime.” [/QUOTE] She can team up with **L’esprit D’escalier** , who has the uncanny ability to always think of the perfect comeback thirty minutes too late! **The Wonky Cart Kid** : without fail, he chooses the grocery cart with the wheel that turns off to the right or the left, making steering a bitch. The real question: does he somehow break the cart by touching it or does he affect probability fields to somehow always get the wonky cart? ---
**Author:** ![Arien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Arien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arien)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2006, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/44 "2006-08-25T22:22:25Z")
[QUOTE=Arien] **The Wonky Cart Kid** : without fail, he chooses the grocery cart with the wheel that turns off to the right or the left, making steering a bitch. The real question: does he somehow break the cart by touching it or does he affect probability fields to somehow always get the wonky cart? [/QUOTE] Oh and of course the Wonky Cart Kid discovered his abilities while retrieving carts from the parking lot when he worked as a bagger. Hey, you didn’t want your car dinged, then you should’ve returned your car to designated areas! ---
**Author:** ![chrisk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6de8d8/32.png) [@chrisk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chrisk)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2006, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/45 "2006-08-25T22:57:46Z")
[QUOTE=Captain Amazing] The Postcognator: Can predict the past [/QUOTE] I know I’m spoilsporting a little, but… Can he predict (remember) ANYTHING about the past, any time, anywhere? Or can he only predict stuff that happened near him (and, that, y’know, he remembers anyway?) Maybe he gets odd visions predicting the past and can’t control them?? There might be a story in this one. ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2006, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/46 "2006-08-25T23:02:33Z")
**The Python** can (and does) repeat any Monty Python sketch or movie quote - _verbatim!_ **The Testiculator** is fully conversant in American sign language - _with his testicles!_ **The Testatrix** is capable of transferring legal title of her property and estate to anyone she desires - _even from beyond the grave!_ **Mr. Spacey** has the power convince any viewer to willingly suspend their disbelief and choose instead to view him as anything he wishes: a shadowy gangster, a police detective, an evil genius, or _even an alien from another galaxy!_ **The Italicizer** has the ability to mimic vocal expressions of importance or urgency - _in a print medium!_ ---
**Author:** ![E.Thorp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/898d66/32.png) [@E.Thorp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/E.Thorp)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2006, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/47 "2006-08-25T23:03:06Z")
**Aqua Velva Man** - There’s just something about him. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2006, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/48 "2006-08-25T23:26:33Z")
The Cerebrator: Able to use 100% of his brain capacity. Well, that’s what we _think_ is happening—when he uses his power, he has about two seconds of useful consciousness before he lapses into a grand mal seizure. But for those two seconds, he sounds pretty brilliant—from what we can understand, anyway. He’s been kind of hard to understand since he bit off his own tongue in a spasm (that was before he ruined his teeth, of course). ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/49 "2006-08-26T00:30:50Z")
**Mediocrity Man** : can do anything whatsover at the 50 percentile level of skill for the entire human race. That’s currently possessed skill, not potential skill. For example, he can perform open heart surgery better than 50% of a randomly selected sample of people, and not as well as the other 50%. ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/50 "2006-08-26T00:33:46Z")
[QUOTE=E. Thorp] **Aqua Velva Man** - There’s just something about him. [/QUOTE] Okay, that’s just funny! **Googlethorp** : Has the ability to refer anyone to any information they want, after they tell him, generlly, what they want to know. NOTE: Only works at cyber cafes. **Catmandoo** : Can clean himself with his tongue. NOTE: Must lick wrists to get hard to reach places, like behind the ears. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/51 "2006-08-26T01:44:50Z")
**Doctor Mood:** Like Doctor Doom, only bipolar. You do **not** want to be around him during the downswing! ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/52 "2006-08-26T01:56:51Z")
**Homo flatulens:** Farts like you wouldn’t believe! Professor X considers him the next stage in human evolution! His distant descendants will fly through the air, stun their enemies with noxious gas, and project deadly jets of flame! Unfortunately, at this stage of his evolution, all he can do is make embarrassing noises and stink up the room. ---
**Author:** ![Meeko](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e495f1/32.png) [@Meeko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meeko)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/53 "2006-08-26T01:59:12Z")
Derleth-man; Has the abillity to take a rather mediocre “Whose Line is it Anyway” ‘game’ and turn it into a rather funny thread. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/54 "2006-08-26T02:13:09Z")
**Agnostico:** A living God, mightier than Thor or Hercules – so long as he maintains his devout atheism. Omnipotent on the condition that he do nothing. ---
**Author:** ![Wilson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/96bed5/32.png) [@Wilson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wilson)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/55 "2006-08-26T02:34:23Z")
**The Human Staple-Remover** - has the ability to remove staples with his mind! The staple is restored to its original, pre-stapled, condition! Whatever was stapled is ripped and mangled beyond recognition. ---
**Author:** ![Wilson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/96bed5/32.png) [@Wilson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wilson)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010/56 "2006-08-26T02:46:00Z")
**Hasta-la-vista Baby** - ten month old was the ability to speak in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s voice! Note: has the actual vocabulary of a ten-month old. **Preview Boy** - Both the “Submit Reply” and “Preview Post” buttons always preview his post! Has never made a single typographical error in any post! **Radio Wave Man** - can hear anything transmitted by radio wave, anywhere on the planet Earth! One of the greatest super heros of Ancient Greece. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/worthless-super-powers/370010.md?page=2)