# Would a mod please address the line separating IRL vs board relationships on the SDMB **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [May 18, 2003, 6:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-mod-please-address-the-line-separating-irl-vs-board-relationships-on-the-sdmb/176029 "2003-05-18T06:49:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![obfusciatrist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/4af34b/32.png) [@obfusciatrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/obfusciatrist)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2003, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-mod-please-address-the-line-separating-irl-vs-board-relationships-on-the-sdmb/176029/21 "2003-05-18T17:15:39Z")
I would point out that when Tony criticized Zenster’s posts, the recourse of many people was not to defend his posts, but to pull out a series of real life testimonials about the man. So, if his real life postivies can be used to counter a claim of posting badness, I don’t really see why real life negatives can’t be used to bolster a claim of posting badness. And as far as libel/slander goes, at least in my case I’ve cited no specific event nor made any specific claims. I’ve just stated that I’ve met the man, found him to be pretty much as he presents himself here, and that I don’t like him in either incarnation. ---
**Author:** ![Waverly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/57b2e6/32.png) [@Waverly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waverly)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2003, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-mod-please-address-the-line-separating-irl-vs-board-relationships-on-the-sdmb/176029/22 "2003-05-18T17:17:33Z")
Damn. I really must apologize to both **astro** and **andros**. In my first post in this thread I mistakenly named andros as the OP. Again, sorry for the confusion. If a mod would like to fix the error, it would be appreciated. ---
**Author:** ![moi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@moi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moi)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2003, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-mod-please-address-the-line-separating-irl-vs-board-relationships-on-the-sdmb/176029/23 "2003-05-18T17:17:51Z")
I don’t need to see a Mod ruling on this issue, but I wish we as a community could just agree it’s in poor form. I’ve been stewing on this since a poster used an IRL meeting to be rude to Eve; it’s also true of the recent Zenster thread. I certainly acknowledge that I give up some anonymity in going to Dopefests, etc. I even expect that certain events (funny comments, what I was drinking) will make it back to the board. I do not, however, expect to read posts bashing my physical appearance or fashion sense (e.g. “It sure was great to meet **moi** , but who knew she’d be such a cow?”). Maybe I’m naive in this? Then again, I often think posters go too far in their “Pittings” of anyone, on board or IRL. I understand the Pit is a place of uncontrolled rage, whathaveyou, but I think people too often run for tasteless murder/rape descriptions over piddly offenses. (Yes, I don’t play in the Pit often :)). ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2003, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-mod-please-address-the-line-separating-irl-vs-board-relationships-on-the-sdmb/176029/24 "2003-05-18T17:28:54Z")
I don’t know about Mods enforcing anything but IMO there are lines that can be crossed. If someone is pitted for something said in a thread on the board, IRL stuff shouldn’t be added to the pile-on. Generally, a Mod would put a stop to that. Now when I read the **Zenster** thread that was linked earlier in this thread (I only got through Page 1), I thought that the comments from people who met him IRL were joking with him. It looked to me like they really liked him and were giving him a hard time about being pitted. If they were really bagging on him then it did show a lack of class. This sort of thing is exactly why I don’t ever intend to meet anyone from the board IRL. I am sure that it would be 99% good but I don’t want to take any chance of blowback. Haj ---
**Author:** ![light\_strand](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a6a055/32.png) [@light\_strand](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/light_strand)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2003, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-mod-please-address-the-line-separating-irl-vs-board-relationships-on-the-sdmb/176029/25 "2003-05-18T17:42:21Z")
obfusciatrist, goddamn you’re a prick. Read the fucking thread again, asshole. _You_ were the _first person_ in that thread to post a real-life anecdote, and it was nasty and uncalled for. Stop being such a disingenuous jackass, and back off. ---
**Author:** ![obfusciatrist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/4af34b/32.png) [@obfusciatrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/obfusciatrist)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2003, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-mod-please-address-the-line-separating-irl-vs-board-relationships-on-the-sdmb/176029/26 "2003-05-18T18:20:11Z")
And you are probably very something. Here is what I said, point out the anecdote for me: > [@](#): > > Tony, unless he’s changed over the last couple years, he isn’t that great in person, either. Tony and wring both mention his real life personality before I did (Tony to speculate, wring to offer it as a defense). No anecodotes were given. (In the other thread, I said lieu did as well, I was wrong.) Arden Ranger was the first with an anecdote (much later), followed by DocCathode. Then masonite checked in with the opinion that personal interaction was more important than online interaction in judging a person (in favor of Zenster). Then Ruby had a non-board anecdote (though related to a board thing), then Kyla gave some examples of why she isn’t fond of the man, then Snooooopy, then Tuckerfan stands up for Zenster with what may be a reference to board or non-board stuff, then Jack Batty expressed his ambivelence, then TVeblen mentioned some private emails that make Zenster ok in her book. Then I’m back, reiterating, without anecdote, or explanation, that I don’t like him (though I do mention that I’ve seen his underwear, so that is an anecdote, I guess). Then I posted that the things said were not mean simply because they were about a Doper. And that’s pretty much the conversation I’ve been having since. So, kindly, you fuck, point out the anecdotes I’ve been telling about Zenster. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2003, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-mod-please-address-the-line-separating-irl-vs-board-relationships-on-the-sdmb/176029/27 "2003-05-18T18:21:00Z")
OK, now I did read the entire thread. That was a dispicable display. Well pitted, **astro**. Now I’m even more resolved never to attend a Dopefest (not that I’m expecting anyone to be all that upset over my decision.) Haj ---
**Author:** ![Hairy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/22d042/32.png) [@Hairy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hairy)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2003, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-mod-please-address-the-line-separating-irl-vs-board-relationships-on-the-sdmb/176029/28 "2003-05-18T18:31:36Z")
Jeez I thought it was for ranting and raving here. If you don’t want anyone to know who you are don’t tell them. If you do meet them and later get involved in a slanging match on the board with them don’t come over all hurt because they use IRL info to stick it to you. After all what’s the point in abusing some dickhead if you can’t use all your ammo. This is the pit afterall not IRL ---
**Author:** ![istara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/e79b87/32.png) [@istara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/istara)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2003, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-mod-please-address-the-line-separating-irl-vs-board-relationships-on-the-sdmb/176029/29 "2003-05-18T18:41:58Z")
I agree. If you want to slag someone off, or bitch about their IRL stuff, do it in your LJ. Then DON’T link to it here. Or do it in the irc channel #straightdope Posting potentially libellous stuff up here, an open noticeboard where it gets archived, is just asking for trouble. People can be slagged off for their opinions and posts here, fine. But dragging up IRL stuff about them is not appropriate, IMO. ---
**Author:** ![Francesca](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9fc348/32.png) [@Francesca](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Francesca)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2003, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-mod-please-address-the-line-separating-irl-vs-board-relationships-on-the-sdmb/176029/30 "2003-05-18T19:08:13Z")
“Potentially libellous”? Who has said anything potentially libellous? ---
**Author:** ![istara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/e79b87/32.png) [@istara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/istara)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2003, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-mod-please-address-the-line-separating-irl-vs-board-relationships-on-the-sdmb/176029/31 "2003-05-18T19:20:58Z")
I was referring to **astro** and others’ mention of libel above. It gets sticky legally when someone can be identified. Posting as **squig** on a messageboard may be anonymous, when people start bringing up your IRL behaviour in such a way it identifies you, there could be a problem. ---
**Author:** ![wring](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/838e76/32.png) [@wring](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wring)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2003, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-mod-please-address-the-line-separating-irl-vs-board-relationships-on-the-sdmb/176029/32 "2003-05-18T21:04:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by obfusciatrist \* > \*\* > Tony and wring both mention his real life personality before I did (Tony to speculate, wring to offer it as a defense). No anecodotes were given. (In the other thread, I said lieu did as well, I was wrong.) > \*\* excuse the fuck out of me, but I did **what**? I’ve never met **Zenster** , the only off the board interactions I had w/him regarded some specific advice he wished to have WRT a situation that was happening to friends of his, that he felt I may have some expertise w/. I posted what I did soley based on his posts here. WRT the OP - I also find it distasetful for interactions IRL to be brought up as ammunition in a Pit Thread. I recall more than one relationship breaking up around here where the threads w/both of those involved devolved quickly into “yea, well, you never picked up your dirty underwear” kind of crap. In at least one of these cases, one of the couple no longer posts here. ---
**Author:** ![hyperjes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/df705f/32.png) [@hyperjes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hyperjes)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2003, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-mod-please-address-the-line-separating-irl-vs-board-relationships-on-the-sdmb/176029/33 "2003-05-18T21:11:25Z")
So, **astro** , am I not to mention anything about **d\_redguy** ’s daily activities? (We are married.) Should I refrain from mentioning any incident involving IRL friends who are also Dopers? **gmarkstephens** is a good IRL friend. If we do something together-and the incident is negative- do I not post about it? If **d\_redguy** pisses me off, and I want to rant about it in The Pit, do I simply refer to him as my husband? I assume that, considering the number of times we’ve posted about each other, many Dopers know that we are married. What would be the point in suddenly invoking annonimity? I can understand why it would be unkind/in bad taste to mention certain things about someone you know IRL on the SDMB. But wouldn’t simple common sense and manners dictate that? And if I “step out of line” isn’t the conflict really between myself and the individual I’m refering to? ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2003, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-mod-please-address-the-line-separating-irl-vs-board-relationships-on-the-sdmb/176029/34 "2003-05-18T21:24:29Z")
What we are talking about here, **hyperjes** , is bringing real life issues about a person into a rant/pitting about something that that person posted, not ranting about someone in real life in the first place. Haj ---
**Author:** ![dantheman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dantheman/32/9421_2.png) [@dantheman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dantheman)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2003, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-mod-please-address-the-line-separating-irl-vs-board-relationships-on-the-sdmb/176029/35 "2003-05-18T22:46:25Z")
The Pit should just be banned. It’s a shame more people just don’t see that. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2003, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-mod-please-address-the-line-separating-irl-vs-board-relationships-on-the-sdmb/176029/36 "2003-05-18T23:45:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by dantheman \* > \*\*The Pit should just be banned. It’s a shame more people just don’t see that. \*\* **dantheman** , that’s ridiculous. The Pit was **created** to prevent discussion from going to the ground in other fora. If there were no Pit, MPSIMS would be ablaze in a week. ---
**Author:** ![Super\_Gnat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@Super\_Gnat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Super_Gnat)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2003, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-mod-please-address-the-line-separating-irl-vs-board-relationships-on-the-sdmb/176029/37 "2003-05-18T23:46:10Z")
It’s just a sticky situation all around. I mean, of course we like seeing wedding/baby birth/Dopefest/other nice stuff threads. But at the same time, it seems wrong somehow to defend or roast people based on their real life personalities in the Pit. It makes me shudder to think what would happen if a Doper couple had a messy, morally grey divorce and felt the need to talk about it here. Regarding IRL stuff being brought on here, when it is good it is very very good, but when it is bad it is horrid. I don’t have a solution, and I suspect the mods don’t have one either (yet). But it bothers me. ---
**Author:** ![dantheman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dantheman/32/9421_2.png) [@dantheman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dantheman)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2003, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-mod-please-address-the-line-separating-irl-vs-board-relationships-on-the-sdmb/176029/38 "2003-05-18T23:48:43Z")
Would it? Why? We have moderators who don’t allow it now. Are you saying they’d allow it then? It’s not ridiculous at all. You can’t tell me that the board would be worse if there were no Pit for people to devolve into mudslingers. ---
**Author:** ![Eutychus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Eutychus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eutychus)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2003, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-mod-please-address-the-line-separating-irl-vs-board-relationships-on-the-sdmb/176029/39 "2003-05-19T00:08:28Z")
Well, I have an answer but I don’t think it’s one that many people are going to like. How about restraint and discretion? I think we have some of the most intelligent people on the internet here in our little corner of heaven. Given that level of intelligence, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for them to have a certain level of understanding when they’re bringing too much of off-board activities to the board. And I really think people know when it happens and tend to turn a blind eye to their own indiscretions. Guys, listen … we had something we used to live by here that you would attack ideas, not people. I know we’ve let that go when we have someone outside of the tribe that did something especially heinous. But when we start turning on our own I very much think that we know when we’ve stepped over the line. I don’t think we need to make an official policy on this because I think most of you are smart enough to know discretion. But if I can suggest a few guidelines: if someone brings their own issues to the board, then it’s fair game. But someone else’s personal issues do not need to be brought to the board by someone else. I know an exception can be made in the case of DopeFests where there is public activity, but private opinions of people brought about by private meetings should not be brought into a public forum. It’s all about respect, people. try to remember that. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2003, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-mod-please-address-the-line-separating-irl-vs-board-relationships-on-the-sdmb/176029/40 "2003-05-19T00:17:17Z")
It’s like this, **dan**. MPSIMS threads are most often about “This is what happened to me today.” Poster A: “I was at the grocery store, and I got some Mayfield Turtle Tracks ice cream! Hallelujah!” Poster B: “Woohoo! Do you live in [region]? I’m gonna see if I can get some!” Poster C: “I don’t live anywhere near there! Waah, I wish I could get Mayfield Turtle Tracks ice cream! Oh, well, I can console myself at the Ben & Jerry’s store near my house!” Poster A: “Don’t sweat! Maybe you can come to the next Dopefest in my area: I’ll get enough MTT for everyone!” Poster C: “Poster A, you rock! {{{{{{{{Poster A}}}}}}}” Many (not all, but pritnear 50%) Pit threads are about, “This is what happened to me today, **and I am PISSED**!” Poster A: “So I was at the grocery store today, trying to forget about the shitty thing that happened to me at work [anecdote], and to my blessed relief, I found some Mayfield Turtle Tracks ice cream. Then I got in line, and this fat welfare bitch and her three snot-nosed brats were holding up the line, and my ice cream started to melt. Then I got home and my slut of a neighbor was blocking my driveway again. Life sucks.” Poster B: “What does the other customer’s weight have to do with anything, you fucking fat basher?” Poster C: "Yeah, you should talk, Poster A. Do you think all that MTT is going to make you skinny? Poster C again: “Oh, I hear you about [work anecdote]. My boss/cow-orker is driving me to homicide as I speak [anecdote]” Poster A: “Look, I was just **describing** the customer, okay? The fact that she was a fat ugly heifer with rolls of flab pooling out from beneath her dirty tank top has **nothing** to do with her being an inconsiderate, lazy bitch who can’t keep her legs closed and caused my MTT to melt. Get off my dick.” Poster B: :wally Poster E: “Well, I used to work in a grocery store, and [anecdote] [anecdote] [anecdote].” Poster C: “But you weren’t there, Poster E, so stay out of it.” Poster B: "Oh, and Poster D, why don’t you change jobs if you hate your boss/cow-orker so much? Poster D: “You don’t know anything about my life, Poster C! I’m a chronic-fatigue suffering single dad of four with a degree in folklore and mythology! Do you think job opportunities grow on trees for me?” Poster F: [quotes Poster A’s second post] :rolleyes: Poster G: “Just blow up your neighbor’s car next time she blocks you.” See what I mean? The mods have enough to do without having to put out those kinds of fires in MPSIMS. People are going to post stuff like the above OP anyway; the Pit is a place where they can do so, and others can reply unreservedly. **Please note: I am not casting aspersions on any of the posters who go mad for Mayfield Turtle Tracks ice cream. I just think it’s a cool phrase. Plus, I wish I had a chance to sample some, if it’s as good as y’all say.** [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-mod-please-address-the-line-separating-irl-vs-board-relationships-on-the-sdmb/176029.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-mod-please-address-the-line-separating-irl-vs-board-relationships-on-the-sdmb/176029.md?page=3)