# Would a same sex affair bother you as much as a hetero affair? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 10, 2009, 12:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-same-sex-affair-bother-you-as-much-as-a-hetero-affair/505923 "2009-08-10T12:56:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![MaddyStrut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/dbc845/32.png) [@MaddyStrut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MaddyStrut)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2009, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-same-sex-affair-bother-you-as-much-as-a-hetero-affair/505923/21 "2009-08-10T23:24:52Z")
It would bother me just as much if not more. If he were bi sexual and I knew about it, an affair would still be cheating. If I didn’t know, there’d be the additional lies on top of the infidelity. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2009, 11:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-same-sex-affair-bother-you-as-much-as-a-hetero-affair/505923/22 "2009-08-11T11:08:48Z")
> [@Angel\_of\_the\_Lord](#): > > If I knew the person was bisexual beforehand, then it would be about the same. If I didn’t know, then it would be a little worse–mostly because it would mean that the guy wasn’t even comfortable enough with me to tell me that he was. That’s what I used to think. But when it came up, what pissed me off was that he’d been having sex with any hole that stayed still long enough _without using rubbers, without informing me beforehand, without ever getting an AIDS test…_ and he wanted us to stop using condoms; I did find out that our relationship wasn’t so much open as open wide when he came up with “but the others don’t mind!” as an argument to stop using condoms, actually. It was the mismatch between “I want you to be the mother of my children” and “I’m not going to do the bare minimum to help those children be born in good health.” The fact that those holes had been of both genders turned out to be completely irrelevant. ---
**Author:** ![Richard\_Pearse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/richard_pearse/32/13144_2.png) [@Richard\_Pearse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Richard_Pearse)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2009, 11:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-same-sex-affair-bother-you-as-much-as-a-hetero-affair/505923/23 "2009-08-11T11:19:48Z")
> [@Claire\_Beauchamp](#): > > Yes, we know, we know, WE KNOW that the average modern American hetero male thinks two women getting it on is hot and giggle-worthy, even when – sometimes especially when – one of the women in question is his SO. This attitude has permeated every aspect of hetero relationships, erotica, porn, and sex. It is constantly flung at us as something we should be willing to do or at least fantasize about because our man finds it so hott. It is a constant source of innuendo and cajoling and if we express our desire to NOT make out with the hot divorcee next door, we are party-poopers. Yeah, we get it. If that’s actually a problem for you, you need better man friends. To the OP, I can’t get as worked up over the scenario for some reason. I’d be hurt and disappointed but I think I’d view it as something I can’t compete with and is therefore out of my control. It then gets pegged into my “if you can change it, change it. If you can’t change it, move on” philosophy, and I’d move on. Note that it would still be unforgivable and the relationship would be over, but I wouldn’t be as worked up over it. ---
**Author:** ![chowder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/977dab/32.png) [@chowder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chowder)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2009, 12:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-same-sex-affair-bother-you-as-much-as-a-hetero-affair/505923/24 "2009-08-11T12:04:58Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > KRM has a valid point. > > Scenario 1: You’re a man. You and your wife go to a party. Your wife has a few too many drinks and then starts drunkenly dancing and making out with another woman. > > Scenario 2: You’re a man. You and your wife go to a party. Your wife has a few too many drinks and then starts drunkenly dancing and making out with another man. > > Obviously reactions will vary by individuals. But face facts. A lot of men are going to react to the first scenario be saying “heh heh heh” and to the second scenario by saying “We’re going home! NOW!” You forgot to add to scenario 1…" bring your friend, we’re going home NOW!" ---
**Author:** ![Carmady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f04885/32.png) [@Carmady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carmady)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2009, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-same-sex-affair-bother-you-as-much-as-a-hetero-affair/505923/25 "2009-08-11T17:33:54Z")
A same sex affair would be worse. I can’t imagine ever getting past that, but I can imagine getting past a heterosexual affair. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2009, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-same-sex-affair-bother-you-as-much-as-a-hetero-affair/505923/26 "2009-08-11T17:36:38Z")
> [@sandra\_nz](#): > > It’s infidelity, regardless of the genders involved. > > I’m a female. Ditto. And I’m male. ---
**Author:** ![Knorf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/58956e/32.png) [@Knorf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knorf)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2009, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-same-sex-affair-bother-you-as-much-as-a-hetero-affair/505923/27 "2009-08-11T21:08:29Z")
I don’t see how it would make any difference. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2009, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-same-sex-affair-bother-you-as-much-as-a-hetero-affair/505923/28 "2009-08-11T21:12:04Z")
> [@Carmady](#): > > A same sex affair would be worse. Yep. Not only do you have the infidelity to deal with, you have the fact that he hid something from me because apparently he didn’t trust me enough to reveal he’s bi. ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2009, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-same-sex-affair-bother-you-as-much-as-a-hetero-affair/505923/29 "2009-08-11T22:48:20Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > KRM has a valid point. > > Scenario 1: You’re a man. You and your wife go to a party. Your wife has a few too many drinks and then starts drunkenly dancing and making out with another woman. > > Scenario 2: You’re a man. You and your wife go to a party. Your wife has a few too many drinks and then starts drunkenly dancing and making out with another man. > > Obviously reactions will vary by individuals. But face facts. A lot of men are going to react to the first scenario be saying “heh heh heh” and to the second scenario by saying “We’re going home! NOW!” Both these scenarios are pretty different from the OP, because the OP specifies that sex – not just dancing and kissing – is involved. If the husband knows or suspects that his wife is bisexual he might be concerned that the wife kissing another woman is going to lead to a sexual affair, but if the man is confident that his wife is heterosexual then this would seem improbable. Your Scenario 1 is more likely to seem like the wife trying to get attention or put on some kind of a show for the husband than something she is doing for her own enjoyment. If the wife is straight she’s not going to suddenly be overcome with lust for another woman at a party, no matter how drunk she is, and if she’s secretly not straight then this would be a pretty odd way to come out of the closet. In Scenario 2 a heterosexual wife is more likely to be making out with the other man for its own sake (unless the husband has a cuckold fetish or something), and may indeed be intending to go have sex with him. ---
**Author:** ![wolfman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a8b319/32.png) [@wolfman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfman)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2009, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-same-sex-affair-bother-you-as-much-as-a-hetero-affair/505923/30 "2009-08-11T23:05:13Z")
I think men are programmed to see a hetero affair as worse. Men have always had evolutionarily uncertainty if any child is really theirs. And if she cheats with a man it triggers that primal instinctual fear of a being a cuckold. Even if the exact situation can’t result in pregnancy, it still hits the fear and anger zone harder instinctively. ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2009, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-same-sex-affair-bother-you-as-much-as-a-hetero-affair/505923/31 "2009-08-11T23:14:32Z")
> [@panache45](#): > > Although you are right statistically (I had my first same-sex fantasy at the age of 5), there are many, many, many exceptions. I’ve know quite a few men and women who had no idea they were gay until way into their 40s, 50s, or later. A whole lot of the over-50 gays I know were in traditional marriages, and are now grandparents. I have no way of proving this but I doubt someone reaches the age of 40 and suddenly realizes they’re gay. It sounds more like a Brokeback Mountain scenario where they tried to conform to a normal lifestyle. ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2009, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-same-sex-affair-bother-you-as-much-as-a-hetero-affair/505923/32 "2009-08-12T01:29:08Z")
I agree with folks who say gender is irrelevant. It’s the infidelity that would hurt, not what sex it was with. ---
**Author:** ![Grumman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/43a26b/32.png) [@Grumman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grumman)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2009, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-same-sex-affair-bother-you-as-much-as-a-hetero-affair/505923/33 "2009-08-12T03:27:15Z")
> [@Telperien](#): > > Treating a same-sex affair as less serious than an opposite-sex one means that you think that heterosexuality is the only valid sexuality. Or it just means the question “What did she offer you that I can’t?” is less insulting when the answer is “Breasts and a vagina.” It means you _weren’t_ beaten at your own game. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-a-same-sex-affair-bother-you-as-much-as-a-hetero-affair/505923.md?page=1)