# Would it bother you if someone asked your spouse out to lunch in front of you? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 4, 2006, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-someone-asked-your-spouse-out-to-lunch-in-front-of-you/338419 "2006-01-04T17:16:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Emilio\_Lizardo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/898d66/32.png) [@Emilio\_Lizardo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emilio_Lizardo)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-someone-asked-your-spouse-out-to-lunch-in-front-of-you/338419/1 "2006-01-04T17:16:56Z")
Imagine this scenario. You and your spouse are with another couple, whom you know only casually. Perhaps you are at a party, or having dinner. Your spouse and the member of the other couple the same sex as you discover that they have something in common, say they work very near each other. This person then asks your spouse out to lunch. Would this bug you? Is it rude? ---
**Author:** ![Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troy_mcclure_sf/32/4150_2.png) [@Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troy_McClure_SF)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-someone-asked-your-spouse-out-to-lunch-in-front-of-you/338419/2 "2006-01-04T17:29:16Z")
> [@Emilio Lizardo](#): > > Imagine this scenario. You and your spouse are with another couple, whom you know only casually. Perhaps you are at a party, or having dinner. Your spouse and the member of the other couple the same sex as you discover that they have something in common, say they work very near each other. This person then asks your spouse out to lunch. Would this bug you? Is it rude? Nope. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-someone-asked-your-spouse-out-to-lunch-in-front-of-you/338419/3 "2006-01-04T17:32:23Z")
I think it depends on the tone of the conversation previous to the invitation. If it’s been flirty, then of course I’m going to be wary. If not, I don’t think it’s a big deal. ---
**Author:** ![Anastasaeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Anastasaeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anastasaeon)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-someone-asked-your-spouse-out-to-lunch-in-front-of-you/338419/4 "2006-01-04T17:35:19Z")
It doesn’t bug me, and I don’t think it’s rude. I trust my husband, and sometimes he will meet people he hits it off with better than I do. The sex of the person doesn’t matter. If she actively tries to _pursue_ him, he cuts things off quickly, and only then would I find the person rude-ish. (Since they would have known he was married, met me, and would have been showing a certain amount of disrespect toward me by pursuing my husband. He hates that kind of crap, too - one of the reasons we got married is because neither of us care for that sexual mind game garbage people play, and he has a deep respect for our wedding vows, as do I. I’ve seen pretty girls cross that line with him, and he just gets disgusted with them.) But lunch? Bah. It’s just lunch with someone who could turn out to be a great friend. I have guy friends my husband doesn’t necessarily hang out with; he can certainly have girl friends I don’t hang out with. Until they show they’re out to do anything other than be friends, she’s just a friend of my husband’s. The same applies to men. And it works in reverse, too, a guy crosses the line with me, and I get pretty disgusted. I don’t suffer narrow minded people who think the only reason to be friends with someone of the opposite sex is to get laid. That just disgusts me. Most of my best friends are men, have been for over fifteen years, some got married, some are still looking, but we still call each other daily, and hang out when we get the chance. I go out to lunch with them all the time, alone. My husband is free to do the same. He’s a great guy. I wouldn’t have married him if he wasn’t. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-someone-asked-your-spouse-out-to-lunch-in-front-of-you/338419/5 "2006-01-04T17:36:50Z")
Not at all, for several reasons. 1. I trust my spouse, whatever the other party’s intentions may or may not be. If I didn’t trust her, there’d be no point in me being in the relationship, IMO. 2. The fact that he asked her in front of me would give me far less pause than if he took her aside later when I wasn’t around to ask her. Seems like a good way to ensure that everyone’s on the same page. 3. My wife and I both tend to get along better with the opposite sex in terms of friends, so her finding a guy that she had something in common with and got along with wouldn’t really register with me that way to begin with. I recognize, of course, that not everyone’s relationship is like ours, so YMMV. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-someone-asked-your-spouse-out-to-lunch-in-front-of-you/338419/6 "2006-01-04T17:39:16Z")
Blast, **Anastasaeon**! If I’d just previewed first, I could have plagiarized your entire post. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Anastasaeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Anastasaeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anastasaeon)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-someone-asked-your-spouse-out-to-lunch-in-front-of-you/338419/7 "2006-01-04T17:52:12Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > Blast, **Anastasaeon**! If I’d just previewed first, I could have plagiarized your entire post. 😃 Actually, I like yours better. Less rambling. Succinct. I have a severe lack of talent for succinctness. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-someone-asked-your-spouse-out-to-lunch-in-front-of-you/338419/8 "2006-01-04T17:57:11Z")
It wouldn’t bother me at all. Why would it? It’s lunch, not a date. Someone trying to be friends with my wife is not a threat to me, even if they have a penis. ---
**Author:** ![NurseCarmen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5daacb/32.png) [@NurseCarmen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NurseCarmen)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-someone-asked-your-spouse-out-to-lunch-in-front-of-you/338419/9 "2006-01-04T17:59:15Z")
When he said lunch, did he use those little “air quotes” and gyrate his hips? ---
**Author:** ![RancidYakButterTeaParty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/53a042/32.png) [@RancidYakButterTeaParty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RancidYakButterTeaParty)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-someone-asked-your-spouse-out-to-lunch-in-front-of-you/338419/10 "2006-01-04T18:02:56Z")
It wouldn’t bother me if I knew the person somewhat, but my wife would certainly not put up with it. She is the extremely jealous type (for good reason obviously.) ---
**Author:** ![YaWanna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/bbce88/32.png) [@YaWanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YaWanna)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-someone-asked-your-spouse-out-to-lunch-in-front-of-you/338419/11 "2006-01-04T18:20:19Z")
Wow, I feel like the oddball here. Yet again. If it happened to me (i.e., I was the one asked to lunch), I’d be obliged to decline immediately, or else Mr. Wanna would accuse me of having (or planning) a sexual affair with the person, and would proceed to make my life a living hell for the next 3 months, and occasionally bring it up out of nowhere at any random time in our future thereafter. For this reason only, if it happened the way the OP posits the question (i.e., a woman we just met asks Mr. Wanna out to lunch, etc.), he knows he’d best decline, because I have insisted that there be no double-standard applied in these situations. In other words, I will not put up with him acting hypocritically if he is going to be insanely jealous & possessive & suspicious - he must therefore keep his behavior as much above-board as he expects mine to be. Sucks that it has to be this way, but I had not known it would before we got married, and it’s not worth throwing the whole thing out. Now, if he started getting abusive, I’d have to change my mind. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-someone-asked-your-spouse-out-to-lunch-in-front-of-you/338419/12 "2006-01-04T18:21:46Z")
> [@Anastasaeon](#): > > Actually, I like yours better. Less rambling. Succinct. I have a severe lack of talent for succinctness. 😃 I prefer to think that you have a wealth of talent for exposition! ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-someone-asked-your-spouse-out-to-lunch-in-front-of-you/338419/13 "2006-01-04T19:00:38Z")
I agree with everyone who says that they trust their spouse and friends come in all genders, so lunch is no big deal, but that’s not how I interpreted the question. I thought it was asking, not so much whether I’d be okay with my boyfriend going to lunch with this person, as whether this person’s invitation implied any sort of disrespect toward me. Hence my previous focus on tone. I could be wrong about the OP’s intent, of course, but I just thought it was interesting that everyone was focused on whether it’s appropriate for these two people to have lunch together, rather than whether it’s appropriate to issue an invitation excluding one of the spouses. ---
**Author:** ![jlzania](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/67e7ee/32.png) [@jlzania](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jlzania)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-someone-asked-your-spouse-out-to-lunch-in-front-of-you/338419/14 "2006-01-04T19:02:43Z")
Not at all and for exactly the reasons stated by **Anastasaeon** and **Asimovian**. However, I’m not really sure what this means: > [@](#): > > **RancidYakButterTeaParty** It wouldn’t bother me if I knew the person somewhat, but my wife would certainly not put up with it. She is the extremely jealous type (for good reason obviously.) What would your wife do-throw a hissy fit in public ? And while I admit I have no idea of what sort of relationship you have, I don’t unbderstand her having a “good reason” for being jealous. I’m not trying to be rude but do you have a habit of cheating on her with people you meet for a burger and fries? ---
**Author:** ![Anastasaeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Anastasaeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anastasaeon)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-someone-asked-your-spouse-out-to-lunch-in-front-of-you/338419/15 "2006-01-04T19:08:25Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > I could be wrong about the OP’s intent, of course, but I just thought it was interesting that everyone was focused on whether it’s appropriate for these two people to have lunch together, rather than whether it’s appropriate to issue an invitation excluding one of the spouses. My answer remains the same. Maybe she likes my husband more? It’s no big deal, to me. _However_, I wouldn’t do that to someone else. Make of that what you will. But if/when it is done to me, I don’t find it rude. But I recognise that some people could. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-someone-asked-your-spouse-out-to-lunch-in-front-of-you/338419/16 "2006-01-04T19:27:00Z")
> [@jlzania](#): > > However, I’m not really sure what this means: > > > [@RancidYakButterTeaParty](#): > > > > It wouldn’t bother me if I knew the person somewhat, but my wife would certainly not put up with it. She is the extremely jealous type (for good reason obviously.) I could be mistaken, but I took Rancid’s commentary to be a humorous self-compliment. Maybe it just went over my head, though… ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-someone-asked-your-spouse-out-to-lunch-in-front-of-you/338419/17 "2006-01-04T19:34:10Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > I could be wrong about the OP’s intent, of course, but I just thought it was interesting that everyone was focused on whether it’s appropriate for these two people to have lunch together, rather than whether it’s appropriate to issue an invitation excluding one of the spouses. Viewed from this perspective, I’d have to say, “It depends.” For example, my wife and I work about 50 miles away from each other. If the gentleman in question happened to work near my wife and wanted to have lunch with her, I certainly wouldn’t expect him to issue an invitation to me at the same time. The OP established that the bond between my wife and the guy have to do with them discovering something in common, so there’s no need for the guy to go out of his way to try to include me, as far as I’m concerned. I suppose I could see a scenario where it might seem rude for me to be excluded, particularly if, say, whatever the two of them had in common was also something _I_ enjoyed, or if it seemed like he was going out of his way to exclude me. At that point, I’d just leave it to my wife’s sound judgment. But without those specific circumstances, I see no reason to be bothered by it. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-someone-asked-your-spouse-out-to-lunch-in-front-of-you/338419/18 "2006-01-04T19:44:11Z")
I’m obviously in the minority here, but I’d be a bit miffed. I’d rather they (as a couple) invited us (as a couple) to dinner or something, so we could all get to know each other. The jealousy thing isn’t an issue, but feeling left out is! ---
**Author:** ![YaWanna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/bbce88/32.png) [@YaWanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YaWanna)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-someone-asked-your-spouse-out-to-lunch-in-front-of-you/338419/19 "2006-01-04T19:51:06Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > I agree with everyone who says that they trust their spouse and friends come in all genders, so lunch is no big deal, but that’s not how I interpreted the question. > > I thought it was asking, not so much whether I’d be okay with my boyfriend going to lunch with this person, as whether this person’s invitation implied any sort of disrespect toward me. Hence my previous focus on tone. > > I could be wrong about the OP’s intent, of course, but I just thought it was interesting that everyone was focused on whether it’s appropriate for these two people to have lunch together, rather than whether it’s appropriate to issue an invitation excluding one of the spouses. I thought about that, too. If I got a “feeling” from the invitor’s manner that her intention was to treat my husband as potential lover material, I certainly would be insulted at her lack of respect for me. However, if I felt fairly comfortable that she had legitimate common business interests with my husband that made a lunch to discuss such matters seem reasonable, I would not. And I would have no problem with him going to said lunch, provided it truly was business-related and they didn’t go anywhere “private” together. If it was not business - say she wanted to discuss photography or scuba-diving or whatnot - then I’d feel obliged to insist that a “just the two of them” lunch was not necessary or appropriate, due to the lack of reciprocation my husband would grant me in the same situation. And I’d assume that she meant no disrespect until it was overtly shown - like giving me a hard time when I made my assertion. ---
**Author:** ![Batsinma\_Belfry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ea5d25/32.png) [@Batsinma\_Belfry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Batsinma_Belfry)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2006, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-someone-asked-your-spouse-out-to-lunch-in-front-of-you/338419/20 "2006-01-04T19:57:26Z")
It wouldn’t bother me. But I find it rude. If the other person asked if it was okay with me, it would be fine. But to just make plans that didn’t include me or the other spouse, as if we weren’t sitting right there, is in bad taste. It has nothing to do with not trusting him, it’s more about making the other two people feel left out. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/would-it-bother-you-if-someone-asked-your-spouse-out-to-lunch-in-front-of-you/338419.md?page=2)